Women hurt by church leaders (part 2) …

OK. It’s happened again.

I post a blog entry and there are no public comments. But before you know it, personal emails start to trickle in one on top of another.

(I mentioned this pattern to Fred last night before I even wrote yesterday’s entry simply because I MARVEL at how many comments are left on some websites/blogs … and I know we have thousands of hits on PeaceGals and here on my blog, but not many comments. I mentioned to Fred how, perhaps, these topics are just too personal, too intimate, leaving people too vulnerable to actually dialogue about “publicly.” I wonder …)

ANYWAY …

Trying to honor the time constraints of my duties re: domestic diva Tara/consultant Tara/getting ready to be out of state every weekend until October 13 Tara … I think I’d better not try to email responses to every person individually. (I hope you understand!)

(Oh, and THANKS for writing! It is always an honor to hear from people.)

I just wanted to make a few more observations/share a few thoughts on this whole topic of “women being hurt by their leaders in the church”:

1. Our leaders are in process too. Demanding perfection (or even functionality in ALL areas of life) from them is just as unloving and graceless as they often are to US. Hey ladies–let’s give them some GRACE shall we? Yes, it hurts. Yes, we suffer. Yes, this is a horribly AWFUL part of picking up our cross and suffering well. But I truly believe that it is our duty–not so much as women, but simply as CHRISTIANS–to lay down our lives and love our neighbor and love our enemy (especially when that neighbor or enemy is our church leader).

Please remember that as our leaders bump into us and cut us accidentally (because of their fallenness and weaknesses) AND/OR as they lash out at us and wound us DEEPLY (because of their sin!) … they are just as desperate for Christ as we are.

2. Many leaders are NOT good at both doctrine and relationships. Not to imply any sort of scientific study here or anything–but just based on my Christian life and on mediations, consulting gigs, conflicted church interventions, and speaking events at which I’ve served … It seems to me that the leaders who are usually the most theologically accurate / careful thinking / guarding of doctrine can often be the ones who are just AWFUL at relationships. Seriously. Many of the church leaders I know (across the nation) and trust to never lead me astray doctrinally I also have a hard time trusting relationally–simply because they are either immature, unskilled, ignorant, in need of further sanctification, or just AWFUL at relating with people.

Yes, of course there are some who excel in both areas–doctrinal/intellectual carefulness AND relationships … but they are few and far between. So what does that mean for the practicality of daily living? Well, I don’t know about you, but I would MUCH rather have biblical, gospel-infused, Christ-centered, Cross-centered preaching and teaching and shepherding done by men who are GROWING in how to relate with people … than HERESY or LEGALISM taught/preached/encouraged by loving, easy-to-relate-to, great at discipleship and feedback and friendship leaders. (And so we stay. Suffer? Yes. Become stoics/bitter/cynical? NO NO NO. Persevere in LOVE and in FAITH? YES YES YES!)

3. It is faithless and loveless and SINFUL for us to DEMAND that our leaders lead us better; embrace and promote biblical peacemaking; suddenly become GREAT as shepherding and encouraging; WHATEVER. Seriously–this propensity in women to tell ANYONE (man, woman, child) how they “OUGHT TO” be and “SHOULD BE” and “NEED TO BE” is such a horrible part of so many relational conflicts (especially in marriage and relating to church leaders). Oh, friends! Even if we are shrewd, insightful, brilliant, discerning–WHATEVER–we are NOT the Holy Spirit. We are not! And it is SIN for us to make an IDOL–sinful demand–out of PEACEMAKING (or anything else we “know” our leaders “should be” doing).

Does this mean that we just sit back and STEW? Stay silent and POUT? Of course not! We use all of our intellect and gifts and LOVE to serve and help and encourage. And if our leaders say, “No. We’re not implementing that idea.” or “No. We’re not going to give that ministry at encouragement or money or time.” … We remember that have only INFLUENCE in this situation, not authority. We remember that our leaders have the right to be wrong. We make every respectful appeal. We persevere in love! But if it reaches the point where our conscience is seared or they are commanding us to sin … then, of course, we have to GET OUT. But most situations are not like this! Seriously. Most situations involve wisdom issues (not sin issues). So please be careful!

4. Our propensity is to treat them in the exact way they are treating us. They criticize us (and we criticize them for being so critical). They judge us and write us off without ever giving us a chance to grow. (And we are so hurt by this! So we respond by saying, “He’ll NEVER change.”) They ignore us or even avoid us (so we pull back / run away / hide / escape … maybe we actually leave physically, but for sure we flee emotionally by putting up a huge wall in our hearts that says, “I will NEVER trust you!”).

They TRY to do the “peacemaking thing” and actually give us feedback/counsel–but their “help” has some room for improvement. Maybe they mean it loving, but it comes across as critical, unloving, with no encouragement or hope whatsoever. (So we judge them (“He’s a leader! He should KNOW better!”). We replay the memories OVER AND OVER AND OVER again in our minds (and feed our anger and bitterness). We re-tell the stories to our “friends” and gather up all of the evidence we need to make our case as to their (many!) failures. We “know” EXACTLY what THEIR problems are and what THEIR sins are because we have rehearsed them so many times in our hearts and minds. And then we wonder why our leaders are SO reticent to ever try to counsel/shepherd/get involved again.

It’s no mystery! They give us no grace so we give them no grace RIGHT BACK.

Oh ladies! It takes FAITH to respond to graceless, gospel-less criticism with anything other than graceless, gospel-less criticism. But I am praying that we will be women of FAITH! And of course, faith leads to ACTION. And the action is LOVE.

Faith is the root. Love is the fruit. This is a WORK OF GOD. It is counter-cultural. It is the OPPOSITE of our instinctual reaction. It is SO STRANGE that people would look at it and say, “WHAT is going ON?!?” “WHY would you EVER stay and keep trying to work through this?” “Didn’t you call them that one time? Didn’t you meet TWO WHOLE TIMES?!? I thought you wrote that letter! Surely that is enough!! Get out! Get away! YOU DON’T DESERVE THIS.”

And we respond:

This is so hard. It is.
My heart is breaking. Truly.
I’m crushed! I’m crushed! I can’t even breathe.

But yay tho He slay me, I will yet trust in Him. My Savior and my God.

Will I be wise and shrewd? Yes.
Am I called as a full disciple to use all of the resources at my disposal to promote that which is GOOD in this situation? Yes.

 

Can I FIX this church leader? No.
Can I fix this situation? No.

Will there ever be complete JUSTICE in this life? NO WAY.
Am I going to be VINDICATED? Maybe. Maybe not.
Will my reputation, livelihood, financial security, NAME be RESTORED? Maybe. Maybe not.
Is God still in control? YES.

Does God give me everything I need for life and godliness? Even in this HORRIBLE situation? Yes.
Is it more important to be RIGHT or LOVING? Loving.

Can I leave? Maybe. Leaving may be of faith OR it may be of sin. Be careful. Get help–especially from someone who has NO STAKE in the situation.

But I don’t WANT to persevere!! I know. I know. Who would?
Who would choose this?
Who would choose to suffer?

Only someone who is aware of the brevity of life and the length of eternity; someone who is staking her claim on the redemptive plan of God to save His children and make all things new in Christ; someone who knows that every breath, every step, every moment of life is NOT for HER but for the ONE Who made her … this one suffers.

She loves–which involves risk. She forgives–which involves dying to self. She doesn’t give up–even when other people give up on her. Because God, in Christ, never gives up on her and she treats people they way GOD treats her, NOT the way PEOPLE treat her.

Oh! Oh! Oh!
My heart is just BREAKING for each one of you. Of us.

Please trust that I’m praying for each situation that I hear about …
And please, PLEASE remember this: Every day will not feel this bad.

Samara always tells me, “This too shall pass.“
And it will. It truly will.

OK. Back to “real” (i.e., non-blog) life …

Yours,
Tara B.