So what can the men do to HELP the situation? (Women hurt by church leaders part 3 …)

Wow! I am a blessed woman to get to hear from so many wise people. (Men and women alike!) Thanks for the emails and for the encouragement/wisdom/gentle confrontations too. I really do appreciate you all.

A recent email got me thinking along the lines of, “So, OK. You keep calling the women to remember the gospel and love well–but what about the MEN? What would you say to these leaders if you were given a chance?”

Oooooh … what a good question!

(As an aside, I’ve actually thought about this topic for a future book too–but I would want to co-author it with a pastor so that both “sides” (perspectives) would be represented.)

Here are my initial/just brainstorming thoughts:

1. Ask for feedback on as to how you are coming across relationally–especially to women. This would take courage, of course. Your identity would need to be rooted in Christ and you would have to NOT be a people-pleasing, bound by the Fear of Man, have to always “look good” kind of leader. But assuming that you truly want to love God and love your neighbor–and your sheep!–well, get some feedback. Don’t be defensive. Listen carefully–and see how God might be calling you to even greater faith and conformity to His Son.

2. Consider how you might compensate for your weaknesses relationally–especially concerning women. For example, if you know you are an introvert/brainiac/scholar or engineer/task-oriented/linear-thinker, consider if there are any easy-to-get-along-with/extrovert/happy-relational (and spiritually mature!) men that you might partner with as you counsel/disciple. Or even (gasp!) consider bringing along one of those non-Y-chromosomed disciples (women!) to help you as you lead and serve.

(Having been invited into such meetings by both the church leaders and the person needing help, I can tell you that especially when there is a HURT WOMAN INVOLVED, having a “neutral” (i.e., “NOT currently involved in this specific conflict/situation, NOT currently hurt by this church leader”-type woman) involved can be a REAL asset. It’s almost like we are translators or something. (Tara: “I think that what she is trying to say is …” Hurt woman: “That’s RIGHT! That’s how I feel!” Pastor: “I had NO idea!” Ahhhhhhhhh … now let’s all run to the Cross, shall we?)

3. Encourage your church to bring in pastoral staff that is different from you. For example, in our church, our leaders knew that as our senior pastor continued to preach Christ and we continued to grow, we would HAVE TO develop our ability to function/live/minister in our small groups. (Church leaders simply cannot disciple/counsel/keep tabs on hundreds of people no matter how hard they try.) So they hired in our associate pastor who is brilliant, to be sure, and able to preach (no problem). But he is particularly gifted at relationships and building community in the Body. Our two pastors are so different from each other! But that was clearly by design by our leaders and our members.

4. If you REALLY hate the “people part” of your ministry … please consider asking yourself whether you should really even BE a pastor/church leader. Because what IS the Church? People. Who did Christ die for? People. Why do you preach? God’s glory! Yes! But also for the edification of His … people. So while there is room for much grace when it comes to propensities and giftings and even growth in relational skills … AND we all go through seasons of “ups & downs” (especially regarding our relationships) … It seems to me that if you really hate being around people; if sinners bug you and you have a complete lack of love for your sheep; if you’d love your ministry as a pastor if it weren’t for all of these needy, pesky people! … maybe you’re in the wrong line of ministry. Just a thought.

I’m shaking in my Keds as I continue to post on this topic!
 So much hurt. So much pain.

We are fearful–and where there is fear, there is not love.
We are sick of being hurt–but not wanting to live only for our own comfort.

We know there are evil people in the world (and the church!) doing evil things … so we need to be wise! (But we are mindful of our own depravity with every breath we take.)

May God have mercy on us all!
Oh! To quote a friend who just emailed me … “this makes me long for Heaven.”
(Me too. Me too.)

God bless you all and good night!

Your friend,
Tara B.