(Comment on) “Good Point!”
I recently heard from Emily in a comment on my previous post (“Good Point!”) and thought that you all might enjoy reading our exchange too.
From Emily:
“It’s me again! This entry hit home for me this morning. I am struggling with a person in exactly the same way–and this person is NOT someone whom I can avoid. Argh. It is a daily battle for me to think kind thoughts toward this person, and to pray blessings on this person. I actually find myself wanting God to mete out justice, and punish this person! My heart is so deceitful. Right now, I keep asking God, “Do I have to enjoy this person? Is it okay for me to just peacefully co-exist?” I know the answer is, “Emily, I want you to love her. Not with your love, but with mine.” And right now, the part of my heart that could house HIS love for this person is too full of MY bitterness and anger. There’s no room for His love because my big, fat idols are crowding it up! I want to see her as God sees her. But if I do that, I will have to let go of my anger toward her–which is her punishment. I feel like continuing to forgive her (over and over and over…) is like “letting her off the hook.” Extending mercy and grace to her seems so unfair in my twisted, sinful heart. Oh, to be like Jesus…..
And my reply …
Hi Emily! Great to hear from you as always.
SO sorry to hear that you are struggling in this relationship. Obviously, I really can relate.
🙂
I was encouraged and helped by your reminder about the “daily battle to think kind thoughts toward this person.” And also by your struggle with wanting justice.
I know what it’s like to actually have such (horribly wicked!) thoughts as wishing ill on a person–even a brother in Christ!!–and wanting them to SUFFER. O, God, have mercy on my faithless, graceless, and proud heart!
One thing I’ve been thinking about since I read your comment is how if God gave ME what I deserve (for all of my sins, but in particular for my vindictive meanness toward this person), I would be lost. Damned. Forever.
But instead He gives me mercy and grace.
You know, when I look at the person who WRONGED ME, I want JUSTICE.
But when I look at MY sins, I want MERCY.
It’s so clear … I am the unmerciful servant in Matthew 18! I forget that I have been forgiven a debt that 10,000 lifetimes of work could NEVER repay. And yet I am still sorely tempted to hold this person’s sins against him.
UGH!!!!
Who will rescue me from this body of death?
Thanks be to God–for CHRIST.
For this all leads us to your other (insightful) comment about whether we can just coexist and “survive” or whether we REALLY have to actually LOVE this person.
Honestly? We ARE called to LOVE. But isn’t that really, really hard. Actually impossible?
That’s why it drives us to Christ.
The “health & wealth” false prophets would never call us to persevere in doing good to people who wrong us, would they? “God wants you to be HAPPY” they would say. “Set boundaries that take care of YOU.” “Don’t let that dysfunctional person drag you down.”
BUT … Jesus says … lay down your life. Die to self. Pick up your cross. BE LIKE ME.
Oh–and I will give you the grace to do so.
In fact, I am the One Who SANCTIFIES YOU and CONFORMS YOU TO ME.
Why?
For My glory. And your (ultimate!) good.
Dear Emily, God must really love you to give you such a painful relationship to winnow your heart and bring You to Him.
(And He must love me too–for I’m dreading some relationships even as I type this and try to remember the gospel.)
Boy it sure is HARD!
But God is SO good.
Remember–you are not alone!
God is with you and He loves you–even when you (just like me!) are at your most bitter, most vindictive, most prideful WORST.
God loves you because of JESUS.
And lots of others love you too. 🙂
I prayed for you today and I am sending you my love–
Your friend,
Tara B.