Skepticism Cynicism Fatalism — Or Hope
The other day, I was listening to a piece of music that I truly enjoy when suddenly it hit me:
“I don’t think I’ve been really happy ever since the first time I heard this music, years ago.”
What a horrible thought! I have such an easy and blessed life. I was terribly ashamed to even admit such a thought to Fred when he got home that night. But of course I did.
Something visceral, deep, shocking, painful, and confusing was activated in my heart and mind when I heard that music. (Smells do the same thing at times, don’t they? Bring us back to something, someone, somewhere in our past and flood us with strong emotions we hadn’t anticipated in that moment.)
I don’t have any answers for you as I share about this experience. But it has been a good (painful, but real) process of thinking, praying, talking, and crying as I’ve tried to understand better what the Lord is revealing to me and how He is calling me to respond in faith.
One aspect of my struggle, I believe, has to do simply with the fact that I was hurt by people I trusted. Christians I trusted. Ostensibly mature, trustworthy, godly Christians, to whom I opened my heart and my life, and was hurt.
In my youth, I simply wasn’t prepared for that.
Up until that time, I had been tremendously hurt by family members, friends, and people I didn’t know very well. I had failed in pretty much every arena of life (educationally, professionally, relationally). I had made every mistake in the book and was extremely immature (spiritually, emotionally, socially).
But still. I simply wasn’t prepared for the life-altering, crushing shock of being so tremendously hurt by the very people I trusted and loved the most.
And how did I respond?
Survival. A lot of my initial response was barely trying to scratch and crawl myself to the surface of my despair to even take a gasp of a breath and stay alive. This season went on for a LONG time.
Anger. Some was legitimate; but most was self-centered and graceless.
Bitterness. When anger turns that ugly corner into sinful, lasting resentment, jealousy, judgment … bitterness.
Terror. How would I live? How would I survive? Everything is ruined. There is no place to go. There is no safe place for me.
Self-protection. I will never be able to risk again. Trust again. Love again. (“Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me …”)
Repentance. Oh yeah! God is still God. I am called to turn away from myself, my circumstance, the other people. I am called to repent, confess, and trust that I am forgiven. And then? I worship the One True and Living God.
Grief (with Hope). It is appropriate (and necessary!) to grieve both for MY sins and the sins done to me. Weep, wail, mourn. Cry and cry and then cry some more. Don’t stuff it down! Don’t pretend it’s not there. Christianity doesn’t call us to be stoics and “fake it.” Grieve! With hope. One day, it’s not going to feel like this any more. It’s not going to BE like this any more. One Good Day, there will be no more pain and suffering. And even in this life, more than likely, we will have seasons that don’t feel this horrible too.
Growth. Ah! Nothing like abject failure, complete rejection and abandonment, extreme loneliness, and a paralyzing inability to change our circumstance to help us to grow, eh? Might sound extreme, but even the lesser foundation is true, don’t you think? I know that I still have so far to go in sanctification, but oh! There is nothing like growth through failure and suffering. I’m 39 years old now and I’m beginning to wonder if we ever really grow at all in any other circumstances?
I could keep going, but Ella is stirring on my chest and I think we’re about to be greeted by our Big Sissy Sophia and I want to give her my attention and snuggles (in another room so Fred can keep sleeping).
But first, let me share a link with you to the RZIM “Slice of Infinity” from this morning that inspired me to think about these things (again) and also was the inspiration for the title. You’ll have to read the devotional to find out why:
Let me tempt you with just a snippet:
“When hope fades, cynicism is often waiting in the wings. And this is indeed one of the great challenges of our time. Skepticism (there is nothing good and I know it) and cynicism (I can’t trust anybody or anything and I know this) seem reasonable choices. But is this a necessary outcome or orientation for us? I think not …
The Scriptures open up for us a view of the world that is very different. There is a God. This God is the creator, and He is personal, loving, willful, and particular. We see that despite being a good creation, a disruption and disorder has occurred and the drama of redemption unfolds. But the central character here is God! It is what God does, whom God appoints, and what God decides that makes the difference. Now please don’t go rushing to theological dictionaries or well-entrenched beliefs to determine “whose” side I’m on in terms of God’s purpose and human will. I’ll tell you. I believe in both.
I have seen too much, experienced too much, read too much, and pondered too much to believe that my choices are determined, socially conditioned, or illusory. I believe they are real. However, I have also seen too much, experienced too much, read too much, and pondered too much to believe that they are, as Lewis would say, “the whole show.” History is not a fatalist’s game. Humans do act, and often with serious and sad outcomes. The good news is that we are not alone! Writing to the Romans, the apostle Paul reminded them that hope is real because it is anchored in one who is able to carry it, sustain it, and fulfill it (Romans 8:24-25; 28-30). History is moving to an end, and the Bible offers a good end. Thus, the difference between optimism (short term and easily overcome) and hope (eternal and anchored) is where they are rooted. One leans on human effort; the other rests in God and God’s promises.”
Amen & Amen!
My tears are flowing as I type this. Apparently, God is graciously helping me to grieve a little more so that I can experience His wonderfulness a little more.
It hurts! But I’m hopeful.
(And, yes, of course, I have much to be grateful for and be HAPPY about too. I am well aware. I hope it doesn’t offend too many of you when I share of my regular struggles … I know that I “should” be different. But here is my hope! God IS making me different. It’s just quite a process for ol’ Tara.)
Soph’s climbing onto my lap, so I need to scoot now—
Sending my love,
Tara B.