PAUSE Principle of Negotiation in Real Life

Today I had the joy of spending time with a friend who is working hard to prepare for a hard conversation she needs to have with someone she loves.

My friend is praying. She is seeking wise counsel. And as our conversation developed, I encouraged her to remember the Peacemaker Ministries’ PAUSE Principle of Negotiation because it is so on-point to her efforts to listen well, communicate care and respect, and also effectively communicate her thoughts and concerns.

One nuance I did suggest that she might want to consider was the idea of waiting a bit, allowing some time to pass, taking a step back BEFORE communicating her response to whatever the other person says. Specifically, we discussed ways that she can draw the other person out and really listen to her. And then STOP. Even if she is feeling all sorts of emotions or having all sorts of ideas/disagreements, it might be very wise for her to PAUSE. Say something like:

“I really appreciate you sharing with me your convictions on these matters. And I want to take some time to pray and really think about all that you have shared before I try to respond. May I please have a little bit of time to think and pray and then, may we continue this conversation at another time?”

I suggested this because a) she is likely to feel a lot of feelings and be a bit hyper-adrenalated by what the other person says, and we don’t usually communicate at our best when we are “worked up” like that; and b) if she steps back a bit and really considers what the other person has to say, she will likely see many areas of AGREEMENT. And it would be very wise for her to AFFIRM those things on which they AGREE before tackling the difficult areas. For example, their second conversation might start out something like this:

“I really appreciate you taking the time to talk with me again. I care about you so much! And I am eager for our relationship to be the strongest that it can be.

The last time we met, you shared your strong convictions on eight general areas and having prayed and reflected on all you said, I can honestly say that we are really lock-step in agreement on six of them. Our hearts are united and we really believe the same things. There are, however, two general areas that I am wondering if you would bear with me and talk with me about because there seems to be a little bit of a gap in our convictions about these things. And I’d like to try to come to some agreement or understanding that honors you and also communicates my heart. Would you be willing to talk with me about those things? I would be so grateful because I really want our relationship to be sincere and our hearts to be open towards one another …”

Ah! The PAUSE Principle of Negotiation. Helpful in multi-million dollar contract negotiations and in discussions among friends too.

Thank you, Ken Sande and Peacemaker Ministries, for this wonderful tool!

Blessings to you all—

Your friend,
Tara B.