Never Say “If you need anything, call me.”

Ed Welch taught me (and convicted me) AGAIN with his recent article over on the CCEF website:

In it, he makes many great points, but let me just tempt you with a few:

” … Here is something that I have heard a number of times on the ‘Not Helpful’ list. I have heard it often enough that it deserves to become part of our body of pastoral wisdom.

‘If you need anything, please call me—anytime.’

… Those who mentioned it didn’t say that the comment was meaningless to them, though it was. They said that it was actually unhelpful. Why? …

– If ‘comforters’ knew anything about real hardship, they would know that sufferers usually don’t know what they want or need.

– If comforters knew anything about the sufferer, they would know what the sufferer wants or needs.

– If comforters really knew the sufferer, they would know that he or she would never make the call. Never.

The comment is the equivalent of ‘ta ta, see you later,’ ‘luv ya, call me sometime,’ or some other mindless goodbye. The speaker is not giving any real thought to the comforter’s needs and circumstances, and the suffering person knows it …”

Hmmmm. This is a bummer for me because, in ADDITION to saying other things, I have said those very words in many a card to people in need. And yet, I’ve always written those words with a tiny, nagging voice in my mind saying, “Is this the right thing to say?”

I guess I feel this nagging sense because, while I always try to think through the (brilliant!) list that Ruth M. gave us as to How to Help (Really Help!) When a Family is in Crisis, the truth is—I haven’t done that great a job of LIVING IT OUT. And Dr. Welch’s article really lays my heart bare (just like his writing so often does! that’s why I’m such an Ed Welch junkie).

I’ll close with just one more paragraph from the article and then encourage you again to click on through and read it for yourself:

“First, they listen and understand the suffering person. They pick up on to-do lists that are growing and impossible. They identify tasks that are especially important. They don’t barge in and do trivial work or serve in ways that leave more disarray. For example, I could imagine that someone would look at my chaotic arrangement of books and attempt to serve me by organizing them in a way that would make a librarian proud – and I wouldn’t be able to find a book for the next year (which actually happened, but it wasn’t because I was suffering. My wife could tell you the story. A small home office renovation project that was supposed to be a surprise, and it was, but . . .).

A good friend can identify what would be truly helpful.

Next, they do it. They get the dog groomed, do the dishes, drop off a meal, cut the grass, baby sit the kids, bring a meal over and eat it together, clean the house, give a ride to small group, drop off a note of encouragement and then another and another, arrange for a hair cut, and so on.

Any of these acts of love and service make life easier for the suffering person. That certainly helps. But a meal is never just a meal; maid-service is never merely maid-service. These say to the suffering person, ‘I remember you,’ ‘I think about you often,’ ‘you are not forgotten, you are on my heart,’ ‘I love you.’ That, as they say, is priceless.”

Amen. And thanks. Dr. Welch.

Happy Friday to you all!

Yours,
Tara B.