Moving Quickly (but Honestly) through a Tremendously Hurtful Conflict (Part 2)

I hate conflict. I really do. I just hate it when I am defensive or when I attack someone. I hate being around defensive people who attack me. It’s all so frustrating and adrenaline-filled and unpleasant.

But yet again, only days after my exchange with Fred (see Part 1 if you’re interested), I was in yet another conflict. Grrrrr.

The cause of this one was really easy to spot because it was SO completely, 100% ME. My words. My thoughtless, careless, wish-I-hadn’t-said-’em, Oh!-a-tiny-spark-really-CAN-start-a-whole-forest-on-fire, words. It was unintentional. I really didn’t mean to cause what I caused! But that really doesn’t matter because I am responsible for my words and in this instance, I just blew it. I lived out Proverbs 29:20:

“Do you see a man who speaks in haste? There is more hope for a fool than for him.”

More hope for a fool. Yup. That was me.

But God is so gracious to give me REAL friends. And one of them could quickly overlook. The other had a gentle clarifying question (that I then so immaturely got defensive in response to that I REALLY escalated the whole thing into a full-blown conflict …. double grrrrrr … O, Tara!). But even then, she was faithful to persevere, even to her own hurt schedule-wise because she really had someplace she had to be. She stayed the course and didn’t give up, even when I hurt her. She helped me to make a full confession so that she could lavishly forgive me. And she faithfully pressed on re: the actual, substantive issue that started the whole thing anyway.

Mostly, as I reflect back on that conversation, I am just extremely grateful for her persevering friendship. When I think about my stupidity and failures and sin related to our conversation, I’m tempted to CRINGE. But I don’t—because I know she has forgiven me. AND I know that even though she’s forgiven me, if she has any struggles regarding our conversation (if she remembers something I did that I didn’t fully confess or if there’s a hurt that I just need to spend a little more time on), she knows that she can come to me at any time. Because I know she’s forgiven me, but she also knows that I understand that sometimes, even after we’ve forgiven someone, something might still be between our hearts. So forgiveness sometimes takes time and follow-up conversations too.

All of that is a mark of a real friendship.

I still wish I had been more careful in my speech! But even as this friend would say, sometimes we let our guard down a little more around friends and reveal just a little more quickly those areas of our hearts that are clearly in need of further sanctification. Sometimes friends confront. Sometimes they just let it go on the surface, but pray for us and keep an eye out for patterns that might need confrontation. (For example, am I whining about my neighbor just this one time? Or have I gotten into a graceless pattern of complaining about her ALL the time?) Friends listen with a grace-filled ear. And they love us enough to work through the hard stuff when necessary.

I’m grateful for my friend. And I’m super grateful that we could work through this in the (relatively) short time period of “ONLY” an hour of tear-filled, trying not to raise voices, feeling defensive and then feeling humble, feeling hurt and then feeling loving, peacemaking. I don’t deserve her! But I’m oh so very grateful for this friend.

I hope your conflicts get resolved honestly and, when appropriate, quickly this day!
And I REALLY hope that I don’t have a “Part 3” example for you tomorrow … 😉

Sending my love,
Tara B.