Mourning the Loss of Relationships …

Carolyn McCulley has recommended a book that I really want to read. (But oh! I’m trying SO hard to not indulge in my book lovin’ habit in 2011. Our budget simply cannot allow it. I must must must get used to libraries and lists and waiting!):

The Undistracted Widow — Living for God after Losing Your Husband

While directed, obviously, at widows, Carolyn has a recent blog post up that explains how really, the biblical truths are applicable to any person who has felt deep loss re: relationships (friendships, romantic relationships, parent/child relationships). I am thinking of it in particular for one dear friend who is facing debilitating, degenerative struggles related to aging (and is tempted to pull back from church relationships because of them); another dear friend who is at a crossroads in her life and wondering where her next season of life will take her; yet another beloved friend who has been wronged, terribly wronged, and is yet trying to move forward with faith and grace; single men and women who long for a godly spouse and yet are striving to be content in their current circumstances; and of course my friends who have lost loved ones in 2010 …

I encourage you to read Carolyn’s entire post, but here is a brief excerpt to hopefully encourage you and point you to this apparently excellent book:

“One piece of advice I flagged early on was Carol’s advice about identity. She writes:

According to the Scriptures, our identity as Christians flows primarily from the fact that we are children of God, adopted into his family and saved from an eternity in hell because his Son, Jesus, died in our place to pay the penalty for our sin. … The Scriptures direct us to think of ourselves in this way. God’s Word uses other metaphors to describe those who belong to God, but “child” or “son” is the principal description and the most endearing. You may have a more difficult time adjusting to life without your spouse if in the past you primarily thought of yourself as a wife. Please don’t misunderstand–being a wife is a wonderful gift from God and a significant privilege. But if your understanding of yourself was largely attached to that role, then when you lose that role you lose a strong sense of who you are.

As expected, Carol has a well-written chapter on trusting God, reminding widows of the explicit verses about caring for widows that are found in the Bible, as well as practical chapters about how to think of and speak about a deceased husband, grieving in a godly way, managing fears, etc. But I found her closing chapters were broadly helpful to those who are feeling stuck in their circumstances. She writes:
 

What has God called us to now that our former call as godly wives is (at the present moment and perhaps for this life) no longer our calling? Do we have anything to stretch toward? Any goals to reach? Or are we simply going to squander the time we have? It’s tempting to do nothing because doing anything takes energy, something which you may have very little of now. To counter the temptation, let’s turn to the Scriptures and find direction for the future.

She then unpacks Philippians and applies what Paul wrote from that Roman prison as a pattern for living in widowhood. And she adds this helpful perspective:

On the gearshift of life, there is no reverse. The only choice is to go forward. The good thing about this road trip is that God is in the driver’s seat. He knows the way to where we are going, so we cannot get lost. But sometimes we feel like we’re sitting on the side of the road in a disabled vehicle. It looks like life is passing us by. We see people around us speeding by with their lives. We wonder how they can do it when our lives have been brought to a screeching halt. We feel abandoned and alone. Living intentionally with biblically-based resolutions to guide us like a road map can be a useful way to counter spiritual inertia. We can enter into the future confident of reaching our destination …

Geoff Thomas, in his sermon on Philippians 3:13-14 entitled “The Marks of a Mature Christian,” encourages us to pray this way: “Lord here is a new day given to me by you. Your mercies are new this morning. There are new things to be done, and new lessons to be learned. Help me to use this day properly as I head for home.”

I starred and underlined that passage. No matter our season of life or emotional state, we cannot afford to lose sight of our destination. This is not home. We are on our way to an eternal city that is illuminated by the glory of the Lamb.”