We can’t talk about forgiveness without acknowledging the reality of pain …
I was trying to find the desk in my office the other day (I assume that if I can unearth the desk, there might even be a FLOOR in there somewhere) … and I came across my notes from a Conference I attended years ago.
The speakers were wonderfully challenging and comforting (a good combination):
– Tim Laniak drew a frighteningly accurate portrait of what happens when shepherding is corrupted and becomes only heavy/crushing accountability or namby-pamby bedside pastoral care. Having spent years living among and studying the Bedouin shepherds, Dr. Laniak has no ‘precious moments’ ceramic figurine portrait of what it means to be a shepherd. Instead, he explained that the work is so hard and so comprehensive that shepherds must have both backbone AND heart. They care for their sheep to such an extent that they will not even sleep at night—because they are scouring the landscape for wolves.
– Pastor Thabiti Anyabwile reminded us that the end of unforgiveness isn’t power—it’s destruction. And as Christians, we must always be ready to repeatedly forgive.
– Pastor John Stumbo challenged us to forgive because if we don’t, our world becomes very small. But he also reminded us that there are some things that only we can do (confess to our brother); and some things only God can do (soften his heart to forgive us).
I was also repeatedly convicted and encouraged on that trip because I was reading Nancy Leigh DeMoss’s book, Choosing Forgiveness: Your Journey to Freedom.
Friends, this is a profound book on forgiveness and I highly recommend it to you. In fact, if I can find a way to get it at a discount, I think I may try to carry it at my future events—it’s that good.
I could easily transcribe entire paragraphs for you, but instead I’ll just grab a few thoughts with the hope that they will motivate you to keep this book in mind for a future reference. If you or someone you know struggles with bitterness or unforgiveness, remember what Nancy Leigh DeMoss teaches us:
– ‘When we choose to hold on to our grudges … we trade the freshness of the new day and all its possibilities for the pain of the past.’
– ‘The prevailing mind-set in our culture today (and far too often, in the evangelical world as well) leaves us with permission to be coddled, even empowered, in our resentment, our broken relationships, and our unresolved conflicts. Well-meaning friends sometimes come alongside us, supporting our stubborn determination to exact payment from those who have sinned against us, sympathizing with our self-pity. But the Word of God is clear that the cost of unforgiveness is great. We cannot expect to live at peace with God or to experience His blessing in our lives if we refused to forgive our debtors.’
– ‘The wounds that have been inflicted upon you will not be made one ounce lighter by being stored up and left to fester.’
– (Recalling ‘Great Expectations’) ‘Has the clock stopped in your life? Was there a moment when someone or something hurt you—and everything changed?’
– ‘Forgiveness at its best requires that you face how badly you’ve been hurt.’ ‘We can’t talk about forgiveness without acknowledging the reality of pain.’
– ‘In our therapeutic culture, it’s widely acceptable to acknowledge that we’ve been ‘hurt’ or ‘wounded’—words that focus on the wrong that has been done to us. But it’s a lot harder to admit that we’ve let that hurt escalate (or descend, to use a better word) into unforgiveness or bitterness—which puts responsibility on our shoulders.’
And then she gave some of the best questions I’ve ever heard to help uncover where we might be struggling with bitterness—even if we don’t know it! She asks, ‘Can you relate to any of these statements?’
– I often replay in my mind the incident(s) that hurt me.
– When I think of a particular person or situation, I still feel angry.
– I try hard not to think about the person, event, or circumstance that caused me so much pain.
– I have a subtle, secret desire to see this person pay for what he or she did to me.
– Deep in my heart, I wouldn’t mind if something had happened to the person(s) who hurt me.
– I often find myself telling others how this person has hurt me.
– A lot of my conversations revolve around this situation.
– Whenever his or her name comes up, I am more likely to say something negative than something positive about him or her.
‘These kinds of thoughts reveal pockets of resentment and unforgiveness in our hearts.’
Don’t you want to run right out and get this book?! I know you won’t be disappointed. The quotes she puts at the beginning of each chapter are alone worth the price of the book. I’ll close with just one:
‘I say to the glory of God and in utter humility that whenever I see myself before God and realize even something of what my blessed Lord has done for me, I am ready to forgive anybody anything.’ D. Martyn Lloyd-Jones
Amen! And THANKS for this great book, Nancy Leigh DeMoss Wolgemuth—
In Christ Our Hope,
Tara B.