When to be silent? When to counsel?

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about how I interact with friends and acquaintances. Specifically, when might it be the most God-honoring and loving thing to do to remain silent (supportive, encouraging, loving–but “non-confrontational”), and when it is that I might be called to gently speak Truth (counsel the Word).

Let me give you an example … I’m having lunch with a friend and it is obvious that she is bitter. I mean really angry, grouchy, judgmental, complaining–mad. As she shares her story, there is no mention of God, other than in disdainful and complaining ways. (“God is sure great to you and everyone else, but look at my horrible life!” “Why should I care what God thinks–look at how He treats me!”) She holds grudges against people who hurt her–even decades ago! And she lives as a miserable, morose, grace-less person.

(So sad!! I care about her so much — it’s hard for me to even write those words.)

Now, over the years, I have tried to build relationship with her. I’ve tried to be an encouraging and loving friend who doesn’t give up on her. (Almost all of her relationships end in conflict. People let her down. She gets angry and frustrated. They pull back. She judges them and blames them entirely for the breakdown of relationship. Bam–end of relationship.) I’ve tried to own up to my failings and be real with her. At times, over the years, I have tried to steer her to Christ, remind her of the lavish love of God, and encourage her to attend church.

(“Bunch of hypocrites! Nobody really lives out what they claim to believe. Can’t stand the people.”–her view; “Sinners saved by grace! The Body of Christ!” I encourage her. Nope. No interest on her part.)

At times, I have sought to “gently restore” her (third “G” of The Peacemaker’s Pledge) by lovingly helping her to see her heart and her great need for Christ. “Our hearts are all desperate!” I say. “Not mine,” she replies.

So then I sit and wonder …

Am I being too confrontational? Do I have a “pedestal & pit” mentality towards her? (David Powlison’s wonderful analogy.) Am I on a pedestal in my heart (“I get grace! She doesn’t!”)? Do I put her in a pit? (“She is the most bitter, unforgiving, miserable person I have ever known. And I’ve known a bunch!”) Am I failing to love her well?

Or … am I bound by the fear of Man such that I ought to be bringing her truth and counsel, but really I am just “being nice”? Am I afraid to bear her wrath and rejection? Do I not want to be just another “person who lets her down”? So do I couch my words, remain silent when I ought to speak, and just placate her sin and unbelief?

I just don’t know. I’d love to hear your counsel and thoughts!

This morning I’m initially thinking that if I don’t want to speak truth, perhaps I am called to gently do so in love? And if I am eager to confront her (“What’s wrong with you!!??”), then perhaps I am acting out of my own sin and unbelief?

If my temperament is to be a busy-body and go around telling people all the things they are doing wrong, then perhaps I am called to repent and grow in grace and love? But if I am a people-pleaser who never risks losing any relationship, then perhaps I ought to consider gently counseling the Word and stepping out in faith to bring Truth to bear?

Grace and truth. Truth and grace.

Truth without grace = legalism and condemnation.
Grace without truth = licentiousness and permissiveness.

Dear God, please grant me wisdom from Heaven (James 3!) as I seek to believe Your grace and Truth myself–and gently be an instrument of your grace and Truth in the lives of others. Thank You, God, that You are gracious and loving to me. I am prone to wander! Seal my heart, I pray. I am false and full of sin! You are full of Truth and grace.

‘The Word became flesh and made his dwelling among us. We have seen his glory, the glory of the One and Only, who came from the Father, full of grace and truth. John testifies concerning him. He cries out, saying, “This was he of whom I said, ‘He who comes after me has surpassed me because he was before me.'” From the fullness of his grace we have all received one blessing after another. For the law was given through Moses; grace and truth came through Jesus Christ.’ John 1:14-17