What if my husband were unrepentant?

(From 2006)

What would I do if my husband were unrepentant?

I was looking for an old email this morning and I came across this letter that I had written in response to a dear, precious, godly, wise woman who was struggling in an unhappy Christian marriage.

Since I’ve already posted some blogs on ‘Miserable Christian Marriages’, I thought it might be helpful to share this letter with you. Hope so!

(Please note that OF COURSE, all identifying information has been changed to protect her confidentiality. I’ve also deleted some of the letter because it was not directly relevant to this topic and I’ve also taken the editorial liberty of adding some clarifying details.)

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Dear Patricia,

Thank you for sharing your thoughts with me again. I am continually humbled that you would choose to express such important and heart-wrenching issues and feelings to me. And of course I am terribly saddened by the brokenness in your marriage and family. It grieves me to hear of your suffering! And I continue to wish that I could simply will it all away with a wave of my hands. Please know that I would do so in a heartbeat if I could.

Instead, all I can do is continue to pray for you and do my best to love you well. So in that light, here are my thoughts on your letter from earlier today …

Concerning my comments on idolatry and no man ever satisfying you … please know that I mean exactly what I mean towards myself every day too … that is, it is an evidence of grace that God loves us far too much to allow us to be satisfied with anyone or anything other than Himself. And there is simply no thing or no person that will ultimately bring us peace. Joy. Satisfaction. That in this life, we will continually be disappointed, betrayed, rejected, attacked. Those we love and who love us will fail us. We will try and fail. We will run away and become even more hardened. We will repent and try again and may experience seasons of joy, moments of justice, glimmers of shalom … but ultimately, it’s all through a glass dimly. Our hearts are restless until one day when we ultimately find our rest in Him in Heaven to come.

About your thoughts on how I would respond if my confessing Christian husband acted the way that your husband (John Robert) does … I really don’t know for sure how I would respond. My closest analogy is when I was gracelessly misjudged, cruelly rejected, publicly shamed, and personally and professionally devastated at the hands of a confessing Christian man who had an authority role over me.

Of course, my sin played a huge role in our conflict too. But as my focus was on his contribution and my ‘hopeless’ situation, I know that every single day for years I was tempted to hatred, judgment, and bitterness. I know that I wept for hundreds and hundreds of hours and wanted to run away (and even made ‘plans’ to do so).

I know that my heart and life were poisoned by my legitimate grief turning an ugly corner into vengeance and demands for vindication and even daydreams of his demise/suffering/public embarrassment and my vindication as the ‘poor victim suffering so terribly’. I know that I was disgusted by how he was so charming and ‘godly’ in front of others … how he professed ‘love’ for me and ‘care’ – but then his actions said otherwise time and time again. (I could go on & on …)

BUT, I also know that we were all members of a local church. We had taken vows of accountability and submission to oversight. And for YEARS we got help. Individual meetings. Mediations. More meetings, prayer, confrontation. More mediations. I know that my pastors prayed for me and loved me enough to rebuke, counsel, encourage—RESCUE me. I know that a small number of women knew of the situation (the four women in my prayer group) and they were regularly praying for me and confronting me and comforting me too.

These friends wept with me, but they did NOT tolerate my sin. And I know that although, to this day, I do not have the joy of a fully restored relationship with this man (it still seems like he sees only my WORST and my FAILURES and that he continues to keep me at arm’s length ‘because I’m not good enough’), I have great hope and I can say that we ARE reconciled as brother and sister in Christ. We have confessed our sins to one another and forgiven one another. And when I am tempted to bitterness. Again. God is gracious to lead me in repentance! So this man and I can take communion together and worship together and persevere in fellowship together—even as we seek to rebuild trust, strengthen our relationship, and glorify God together.

Is our relationship perfect? Nope. Do I feel safe around him? Well—not too safe. But yes, I trust GOD and seek to love this man. Does he feel safe around me? Hmmmm … I wonder what I can do to serve him and help him in this regard. (Maybe it’s time for another follow-up call, eh?)

Is he perfect? No way. Am I? NOT BY A LONG SHOT.

Are we both growing in grace? Yes.
Why? Because it is GOD who is at work in our hearts conforming us to Christ.
And yes, lots of people help me.
Just as I trust lots of people are helping this man too. (Probably much more effectively than me!)

And SO … in this horribly painful situation involving this horribly broken relationship … my sin, though wicked and devastating of course, did not overwhelm me.

NOT because of ME—but because of the Body. Without the discipline of the Church? Well, I’d probably be dead (by suicide). Or maybe just dead inside because of my bitterness and rage. But either way it would not be good.

So, all that to say … I think you’re right. I don’t think I would ‘take it and say nothing’ if my husband were caught in besetting sins. Instead, I hope and pray that I would draw closer to him, share the gospel with him, make respectful appeals and gentle confrontations, enlist help from friends, our small group, our church leaders … in short, do my best to effectuate change in the situation.

But if he did not repent; if he continued to treat me cruelly; if my daily lot was painful and lonely and horribly hard, I truly hope and pray that by God’s grace, His grace would constrain my sin through His Spirit, His Word, and His Body. So that, though my life would be in many ways a body of death in miserable marriage, I would pick up my cross and love God and neighbor and my nearest enemy—my husband.

Maybe things would change. Maybe not. At least not in this life. But one day? Ah, one day. I would KNOW that every wrong would be righted FOREVER. That would be my hope. It’s my only hope even this very day.

And of course I can’t do it.
I can’t remember God’s great and precious promises–more or less lay hold them and apply them to my life.
I for sure can’t love the people who viciously attack, accuse, misjudge, betray, and hurt me. Over and over again. And again.
I can’t keep doing good and blessing the very ones who say, ‘I love you, Tara’ and then ignore and disdain me.

I can’t. I fail. Over and over again.

 

And so here is my hope …
God is a gracious and merciful God
Who loves even messed-up, wretched, horrible people like ME.
At my most selfish
idolatrous
bitter
HIS grace is GREATEST
toward ol’ sinner me.

And that is my confidence for you, Patricia –
God’s grace is toward YOU!
Not because of who you are, what you do, how you succeed, how you fail –
But because of Jesus Christ.

When the kindness and love of God our Savior appeared, He saved us. Not because of righteous things we had done, but because of His mercy. (Titus 3!)

And one way that God ministers his grace is through His Body.
His imperfect, oft-messed-up, regularly failing Church.

And so – though He slay me – I trust Him.
And though (for a season) I weep through every Sunday service and I feel CRUSHED by the pain … yet, in obedience, I run to the Church.

And when I am too beat down to even lift my eyes to the cross
And no one seems to notice or care or even give a rip about me
My only comfort in life and in death
Is that I am not my own
But belong with all my body and soul
To my Savior Jesus Christ.

I hope that your life will not be filled with daily, chronic, overwhelming pain, Patricia!
How I pray that you will have peace even in the midst of the storm
That one day, your wounds will not bleed and ache so terribly, so viciously
And I am comforted in knowing that ONE DAY in Heaven to come, all of this suffering will be over. What a good day that will be.

Please know that I will continue to keep you and your precious family in my prayers!

With love from your sister in Christ,
Tara Barthel