VERY difficult family situation …

This morning I posted a reply on the Peacemaker Ministries discussion board and I was wondering what you guys would add to improve it.

Here is the original question:

Anyone out there attempting to deal with biological family issues after a lifetime of avoidance? The issues are so many and so tangled that it seems overwhelming to even get started. After years of division, it appears that there are incompatible belief systems, ineffective coping styles cemented in place, insecure identities with hundreds of “buttons” to push, lack of understanding the differences in personalities and giftings so celebrating diversity is out of the question and offensive styles of relating are the interpretation instead, on top of a cluelessness to the benefits of “cleaning house” and unifying. Put all that together with chosen spiritual families replacing their Christian family of origin which necessitates their time, energy and resources since they have become their priority… Any thoughts or experiences to share?

And here is my reply:

Dear Betsy,

I can very much relate to what you shared about the challenges in our family relationships. (I have my family’s permission to share our story now — or else I would not do so — but I came out of a difficult family of origin involving addictions, mental illnesses, divorce, and numerous remarriages/step-parents.)

So what does it look like for us, as Believers, to “pursue peace” with our families?

I guess I would start by encouraging you that your situation, though painful and difficult, is not “unique.” What I mean is that, on different levels, EVERYONE struggles with broken relationships, mis-matched levels of maturity, conflicting personalities, and boy! It takes a family to push all of our “buttons,” right?

Striving to avoid the “myth of chronic uniqueness” gives us great hope as we remember that A) God is with us and He is sovereign, good, and trustworthy; and B) He promises in His Word to give us everything we need for life and godliness in His Son Jesus! (And that means even concerning our families–praise the Lord.); and C) Others have gone before us in these difficult, painful, horrible situations and they can help us. We encourage one another and we learn together–and when we forget the great and precious promises of God, the Body, the Church, helps us to remember–even through our tears and frustrations.

The second thing I would encourage you to consider is how you can frame all of your questions/issues in terms of BIBLICAL terms. Remember–there is nothing new under the sun, and God’s grace really is sufficient! So what does it look like for the gospel of Jesus Christ to be lived out in the very (difficult!) situations you described.

I HIGHLY recommend that you check out the Christian Counseling and Education Foundation (CCEF) “Journal of Biblical Counseling” (www.ccef.org) to better learn how to frame out all of life from a biblical perspective and respond accordingly. This Peacemaker website also has a bunch of CCEF materials for sale and they are all fantastic. I’d start with their latest book, “How People Change” by Lane and Tripp. It’s biblical AND practical and truly a delight to read.

If it would help you at all, I’d be happy to send you a copy of my testimony tape too. Please just stop by my website and drop me an email. (I don’t check this site very often so if you responded here it might take me awhile to see it.)

Be encouraged, Betsy! It is possible to breathe in grace and breathe out grace–even in these hard family relationships.

(I’m convicted even as I type this! Convicted, but encouraged too.)

Sending you love–

In Christ our Joy,
Tara Barthel
www.tarabarthel.com

Thanks for letting me know what else we can do/say to bless this dear woman!

Sending you lots of love,
Tara B.