considerable grace

Really appreciated Challies' links to this today:

Brian Croft: Ten Practical Ways to Love and Serve Your Wife

It encouraged me to appreciate all that Fred does to love and serve me, and also challenged me to think:

What are the ten most practical ways that I can love and serve my husband?

The oldest living couple on Earth (married for 85 years!) gives sage advice in this interview. Plus, aren’t they just the cutest couple you’ve ever seen?

Oldest Living Couple on Earth Gives Great Relationship Advice



(HT: Heidi O! I just love my FaceBook friends. Especially when I’m on the road—I still get to share a peek into their lives and they into mine.)

One of my all-time favorite things to do is spend time with couples who are considering marriage. I love to hear their stories, honestly answer their questions, encourage them, ask them hard questions, pray with them, enjoy them.

With these dear friends in mind, I am definitely going to bookmark this article for future reference. It’s a keeper!

How Do I Know If I’m Ready to Marry?

I enjoy occasionally checking in on Michael Hyatt’s blog and today he had a brief article that is worth reading—for married people, sure, but also just for relationships in general. I wish I knew HALF of the things he mentions in this article when I was in my twenties. Roommate relationships in college and grad school, organizational relationships (Christian Law Students, church friendships, handbell choir), and especially my familial relationships all would have been much improved if I understood then what I understand now about personalities and temperaments.

Of course, we never ought to use our personality as an excuse. ("I’m an INTJ. That’s just the way that I am. You have to deal with it.") No. To paraphrase Patsy Clairmont, “Jesus came to SAVE US from that ‘just the way that we are’!” She’s right.

But it is extremely helpful to understand how personalities affect us and others too. It helps us to pray for wisdom and develop patience. It helps us to communicate better and love better. If you don’t know your Myers-Brigg type (and your spouse’s / best friend’s) too, I encourage you to take the test and learn. I really am a true INTJ, just like C.S. Lewis and 2% of the rest of the population.

Oh, and it was very helpful parenting-wise when I figured out that Sophie was a true introvert too. She really does need her down-time / quiet-time / away-from-people-time to recharge. This has been true since she was 18 months old! (And probably earlier but I hadn’t figured that out yet.)

How about you? If you don’t already know, maybe this article will encourage you to find out:

How Differences with Your Spouse Can Make You Stronger

I’m off to walk the dog now and indulge in a Tim Keller sermon. It was a lovely morning yesterday, but I just checked and it says Billings is 14 degrees with wind that makes it feel like 7 degrees. So I’m kind of dreading it and procrastinating. (Can you tell?)

Hope your Wednesday is a blessed one! Sophie’s first musical, "The Little Mermaid", opens tonight, so we’re all a little TIRED and a little EXCITED around here.

Your friend,
Tara B.

Surprised to see that title for a post on my blog? Be sure to read this brief, but important, article by Rev. Dr. Russell Moore:

Women — Stop Submitting to Men

(HT: Challies)

Fred’s kindness and mercy towards me last week was revved up to a particularly potent ministry of grace.

It all started when:

1) I did something foolish and irresponsible; and even though Fred took it seriously and we both needed to have hard, deep conversations about it, Fred was kind to me. He didn’t shame me. He didn’t put himself above me (on the proverbial “pedestal” image coined by David Powlison) and put me in the PIT. I sure FELT like I was in the pit, but that was my legitimate and appropriate GUILT; godly conviction that leads to true repentance and LIFE; and

2) I went to try on my “appropriate to wear at a speaking event” clothing and clothes that fit fine at the beginning of the summer but now I could not even BUTTON. And I weighed myself for the first time in months and OH MY STARS, but I just could NOT believe it. The entire 40 lbs I had worked so hard to lose WAS ALL BACK. All of it. I was morbidly obese—again. (The rationale me calculated the number of calories I imbibed throughout the summer—it was a particularly ice-cream-filled three months AND the very, very little exercise I did—poor Lilikoi was just LONGING for our morning walks. And I could easily see how it happened.)

3) PLUS, I was on a new medicine which, supposedly, “EVERYONE” gains 40 lbs but I (at the beginning of the summer) so smugly and proudly said to myself, “Hah! But NOT ME!” Yeah, right. I didn’t gain 40 lbs, I gained 45 lbs (!).

What to do in this situation? First things first: I repented before God—for my laziness, gluttony, taking for granted my health, not being a good model for Ella and Sophie (I could go on and on). I had one of those hard conversations with Fred. Again. Wherein I laid out a deep layer of conviction and guilt for my truly foolish and sinful choices and actions. (He was quick to forgive; but also, appropriately, wanting to help me to change.) AND I went directly to my elder to confess and ask for his prayer because I know he cares for his flock; even ol' messed-up, prone-to-wander, bleating-ol'-me.

And now everything is PERFECT? Of course not. But the last few weeks have been so good to even tip-toe into the way of life where Jesus is SWEETER than anything else; where I am moving my body and thus, my muscles and moods are both cheering an encouraging, “Thank you!” (As is my Golden Retriever who ADORES walks.)

AND, yet again, my sister is generously FedEx'ing a box of clothing in the size that I’m wearing (again) now. I tried to do the whole “ship off that larger size when you’re out of it” thing (so you don’t have any choice but to maintain or go down in weight). BUT. I have to teach in Washington this week and Ohio the next and Atlanta the next AND I CANNOT BUTTON ANY PAIRS OF PANTS. Not a one. This is SO not good. (Oh, and as a quick aside, I really think black stretch pants should be ILLEGAL because MAN! Did I pack on the pounds without ever really having to face it.) So, again, I am grateful for my sister’s care and her generous help because I certainly could never go out and BUY a bunch of clothes; that is simply not within our financial grasp at this time.

So what does all of this have to do with the title of this blog post? ("How to Love Your Wife When She is Struggling with her Weight")

1. I hope to encourage each husband who reads this blog and is facing this particular struggle to NOT judge, criticize harshly, or reject his wife. Statements such as, “You’re really getting fat. You need to lose weight.” Or, “You look terrible in that dress; your fat is showing too much.” Or, “Wow. Your friend Marcy is looking SO GOOD. Didn’t she work with that trainer? Maybe it’s time for YOU to start putting down the Skittles and hitting the gym.”

All of those statements may be true—but if she is like any other woman facing this struggle she already KNOWS that she is fat. She already FEELS terrible in ANY dress. And yes, she may be surrounded by (dear, godly, wonderful) friends who are size 0’s and 2’s before their pregnancies and then leave the hospital IN their 0’s and 2’s JEANS with the baby in their arms. (How is that even possible??? I have no idea! But I’ve seen it far too many times to doubt it.) But COMPARING your wife to other, more “fit”, more “beautiful,” more THIN women is really just hurtful. You ought to be the safest place in the WORLD for your wife! Please don’t make her pass some test of body size and looks before you love and accept her.

2. That’s really my second point: I truly hope that each husband would, instead, affirm and accept his wife. Not in a fake way, but with truth and understanding. You know, some people are SO anti-fat-people that they just write them off as unworthy of any consideration. But, for example, even when my own legs and arms were grossing me out in their out-of-shapeness, Fred would still hold me and hug me and tell me how attractive I was to him. At my highest, most unhealthy weight, he still called me his “sweetheart” and looked at me, not with disgust, but love. Accepting, real love. Oh! How this helps me to repent—not FOR Fred’s love, but FROM Fred’s love. (After all, even for the Lord, it is His KINDNESS that leads us to repentance, right?)

3. Within the context of a non-judgmental, accepting and purposefully “seeking out” in love and romantic relationship; yes. Yes. Fred is helping me to change. He is gently encouraging me to not miss friend-prayer group. He inconveniences himself in the morning so that I have time to take Liikoi on our 45 minute walk. He’s helping me to keep chocolate out of the house because it’s just so tempting to both of us. And when I make even ONE wise decision re: self-control / health / self-discipline, he is not there saying, “Well. You know. All of that ab work won’t make a bit of difference if you don’t add in some cardio too.” No. He says, “GREAT JOB doing some abs! Wow! That’s really going to help your back too. Way to go!”

No, of course, Fred is not perfect. Sometimes his “accountability helps” embarrasses me just because of MY pride and MY feeling stupid and bad. But he is pressing on and I am too.

And hopefully I’ll have something appropriate to wear to Washington, Ohio & Atlanta over the course of the next three weeks.

Thank God for gracious husbands!
Thank God for His sanctifying work in our lives!

Your chubby but loved friend,
Tara B.

“The glances over cocktails that seemed to be so sweet, do not seem quite so amorous over shredded wheat.” Benny Fields

What a drag.

This morning went from happy family unity to ticked-off-Momma-Tara and (rightfully) confused Fred in just moments.

Grrrrr.

Some days I am just particularly sick of this Old Man sin nature (!). But I also want to give myself grace for the areas of my life that are in fact not sin, just painful, needy areas of fallenness in me. A fallen creature living in a fallen world. Not every hurt or fear or negative emotion is sin.

Take this morning. Fred wanted to get out the door on time (a novel idea these days) and I was in the zone to help him to do so. Yessssireeee bobby. I was doing domestic stuff he usually does in his morning routine with the girls. I was even trying to put in a crockpot meal and bread machine recipe so that we would have some sort of dinner tonight (again, a novel idea lately).

Everything was going OK until it wasn’t.

Isn’t that just the way life is? Again, grrrrr. And again, double drat!

So what was happening inside of me, Lord? Where were my idolatrous demands ruling my heart? What was scaring me so much?

1. Rather than REALLY trying to JUST serve Fred, I also had some sort of internal element of, “Look at me go! Domestic Diva Tara! I can do this! I really can!” So whenever Fred did something that I interpreted as a challenge to ME (ME ME ME!) taking care of domestic things—like when he helped with the clean up (how dare he!) and took out the recyclables (the gall!), I took it as an offense. A challenge. Him saying that I COULDN’T actually do even the most menial of domestic tasks. Which is, of course, in no way what he meant. But my heart was not resting in Christ; I was not 1 Corinthians 13-thick-skinned.

2. Plus, I was scared. I was. I have felt like such a failure lately regarding so many areas of my life that I was really doubting myself as to whether I could actually pull off what my friends do every single day without blinking. (Unload the dishwasher from the night before. Feed my family breakfast. Make and execute a plan for dinner.) It all sounds so easy! Such a dumb thing to be intimidated by! But honestly? I was having a little bit of PTSD flashback especially regarding the bread machine because the ONE time I tried to make a loaf of bread WITHOUT Fred’s help, I apparently didn’t attach the little mixer-thingy to the bottom of the machine, so of course we ended up with a bubbling pot of MUSH at the end of the day rather than a nice loaf of bread. I mean seriously. What kind of a full-grown adult woman can’t make a loaf of bread IN A MACHINE?!?

Oh, I’m sure there was much more going on in my heart, but the bottomline is SELF. I was thinking about ME and feeling the weight of my failures. I was focused on ME and not on the God Who loves me or the family who loves me too. I was afraid because of ME. I was mad because of ME. And now? I’m repentant because of God.

Want to know one way he helped to reach my oft' stony, self-focused heart? It was through the piece of symphonic music that Sophie chose for our breakfast enjoyment. I had actually played it a hundred years ago under the baton of Dr. James Lambrecht at Augustana College: Holst’s The Planets. There is a brief lyric section in “Jupiter” to which we sing the hymn, “O God Beyond All Praising” in our church:

"O God beyond all praising,
we worship you today
and sing the love amazing
that songs cannot repay;
for we can only wonder
at every gift you send,
at blessings without number
and mercies without end:
we lift our hearts before you
and wait upon your word,
we honor and adore you,
our great and mighty Lord.

Then hear, O gracious Savior,
accept the love we bring,
that we who know your favor
may serve you as our king;
and whether our tomorrows
be filled with good or ill,
we'II triumph through our sorrows
and rise to bless you still:
to marvel at your beauty
and glory in your ways,
and make a joyful duty
our sacrifice of praise."

Amen & Amen!

(And sorry, Fred, for being such a scared grouch toward the end of breakfast. Thanks for forgiving me again and again.)

Blessed Wednesday to you—

Yours,
Tara B.

Fred did something to me that was thoughtless and even a little mean. This was so out of character for him that, if it hadn’t been so extremely hurtful, I really think I could have and would have just overlooked it. But I was very hurt; so hurt that I was tempted to go downstairs and sleep in our guest room as a sort of pity-pot-poor-me-tantrum to externally demonstrate the internal, emotional pulling away (flight!) that I was engaging in.

Thankfully, God intervened and my conscience was quickly seared. I knew that to run away from this hurt would only numb me off and “protect” me temporarily, the long-term fruit would be evil and destructive. Not only would I be failing to honor my marriage vows, I would be failing to love my best friend well. I would be giving a terrible model to Sophia and Ella of how Christian marriage is to operate. I would be violating the very biblical peacemaking principles I claim to believe. And on top of all of that, at the heart of what really matters the most, I would be sinning against God. I would. It would be sin for me to pull back from Fred rather than move toward him in love.

So I asked him if I could get us some juice (him) or tea (me) so we could both really wake up and talk about what had happened. Early morning is not his best time, and I was aware of that. But I also knew that both of our days would be ruined and our relationship would be severely harmed by not at least trying to work through this as quickly as possible.

And so we talked. (Pesky ol' reconciliation section of the Peacemaker Slippery Slope). He was hurt and angry. I was hurt and angry. He was partially in the right. I was partially in the right. Interestingly (in hindsight—at the time, there really isn’t a whole lot of “Oh! Ah-hah! Cool!” insightful feelings going on) ... at the heart of Fred’s experience there was a lot of fear tied to something that had happened months ago, but that he had not fully talked over with me. So good ol' 7 a’s of confession to the rescue, I really could (and did) make a whole confession and (thankfully!) Fred really could (and did) forgive me.

Another thing that came out at that deep, dark, icky, “am I REALLY still dealing with THIS?!” level of my sanctification had to do with, of course, FEAR; but also ungodly shame and condemnation. So apparently we’ll be working on that one for awhile yet ...

But at least we’ll be doing so as a team. Friends. One flesh. Husband and wife.

Were we both a little raw after that conversation? Of course. Is it fun to have such hard conversations? No, no way. Do I heartily recommend and even commend them? Absolutely. Otherwise, when hurts come (when, not if), we will naturally slip right on off the side of the slippery slope of conflict into flight (run away! protect myself!) or attack (I’m going to make you pay ...). It takes faith and effort and prayer and honestly, the Holy Spirit’s help to stay up on top. But it’s worth it.

I’m grateful that we got through it. But I’m just bummed that two days later I had to work through ANOTHER conflict with ANOTHER person I care so much about ... grrrrrr .... can’t I just get sanctified and wiser a LITTLE BIT faster?

Part 2 to follow ...

Hmmmm ... this sounds really great and really wise. Wish I had read this before I said goodnight to Fred last night:

The Six-Second Kisss (by Jani Ortlund)

What can six seconds do for you? Woman to woman, let me encourage you that just six seconds a day can help safeguard your marriage.

How you say goodbye as you and your husband begin your day can help you build a lifelong romance. Ray and I say send each other off each morning with a six-second kiss, and after 39 years of marriage, I highly recommend it!

After years of a quick shout from somewhere near the back door, it started with “Goodbye, honey. See you tonight . . .” which left us both wanting more. It stopped when we decided that before we went out to face our day we would scout the other out, wrap each other up in a warm embrace, and begin our day with an intimate, very married, six-second kiss.

Try it. Tomorrow when you say goodbye, take your husband’s face in your hands. Look deeply into his eyes. Ask him to hold you for just six seconds. Tell him you love him. Admire him. Tell him you can’t wait until the day is done and you’ll have time together again, and then kiss him like you mean it.

Go ahead. Try it! Your young children will grow up feeling secure in the love between their parents. Your adolescents will blush, groan, and hope their friends don’t see you. Your teens will hope that someday they can build a marriage like their parents. And if there are no children around? Hmmmm, now there’s an interesting situation!

“Scarcely had I passed them when I found him whom my soul loves. I held him and would not let him go . . .” Song of Solomon 3:4

I can’t stop reading old Carolyn McCulley posts! Talk about being great with words. Plus the content is so—enjoyable, challenging, helpful, encouraging, practical, God-centered. (I could go on and on.)

Here’s a post I just LOVE:

Crush Catalyst

My favorite line? “It’s only an introduction, people!”

As Fred and I read through all of Ephesians last night (to prepare for the general sessions on Ephesians at the CCEF Conference: ONE For Better and Worse, I was reminded of just how grateful we were for the excellent pre-engagement counseling that Fred and I received 16 years ago from Pastor Bill Meier. (We encourage pre-engagement counseling rather than pre-marital counseling because while we think it’s devastatingly hard to NOT marry the person you think you should after an extended time of pastoral counseling leads you both to realize that marriage would not be wise—but it’s even HARDER to do so after you have announced to the world that you are going to be married.)

So in keeping with that topic, I thought I’d put up a few links re: preparing for marriage to go along with Pastor Jason’s excellent CCEF Pre-Conference session that you can still enjoy in Replay Mode:

Questions to Ask When Preparing for Marriage (by John Piper)

When Sinners Say I Do (by Dave Harvey)

Psychological Tests: Are You For or Against (by Ed Welch)

Premarital Counseling, Pornography, and Marriage (by Winston Smith)

Sexual Detox (by Tim Challies) – This is a very helpful resource for pre-marital counseling when you find out that one of the people is regularly viewing pornography or has been seriously and systematically exposed to pornography. Yes, this is usually the man, but more and more, we women are being affected by pornography—so please don’t presume that the woman before you for pre-marital counseling does not need help with this area too.

The Issue of Pre-Marital Sex (by Lee Gatiss)

Many thanks to Justin Taylor for posting these great links. I’ve only listened to one of them, but I’m looking forward streaming them all just as soon as I have the time:

The Rykens on Men, Women and Marriage

The one I listened to is entitled, “The first twenty years are the hardest.” Apparently, Dr. Ryken’s mother used to tell them as they were newlyweds, “The first year is the hardest.” Then, the next year, she told them, “The second year is the hardest.” And at their twentieth anniversary celebration, she told them, “The first twenty years are the hardest.” What she meant was, "Relationships are hard work. Marriage takes effort. God’s grace must be worked out day by day, moment by moment."

Some great insights and encouragement here. Enjoy!

Worth the read:

Avoiding Old Flames on FaceBook

And brings more to the forefront various concerns I’ve had about how some people I really care about, especially young people, interact on FaceBook. I SO don’t want to be the overly-concerned critical adult ... but at the same time, I cringe at how much personal information is being revealed and stored PERMANENTLY about these pre-teens and teenagers. I’m not sure they (and their parents) understand the permanence of the internet—college, jobs, ministries, future relationships. I wonder if they understand that the zillion things they “heart” on FaceBook and the zillion groups / causes / fan pages they “like” might affect them in the future?

(Says the woman with the self-revelatory blog with a steady stream of 1,000+ readers every week. Yes. True. But I am AWARE that what I am sharing is staying around forever. And believe it or not, I don’t actually tell you a BUNCH o' stuff—some things are only for my husband, best friend, pastor and elder. The rest? Yes. I do share openly because I hope and pray that somehow my authenticity will encourage Christians to a) stop FAKING it and pretending that they have it all together; b) run to the SAVIOR to find grace and mercy in their time of need (not to articles/podcasts/whatever to just try to DO better and BE better); and c) seek out the protection and blessings of sound doctrine taught and applied under ecclesiastical authority (i.e., the LOCAL CHURCH) because the Christian life is not some sort of Lone Ranger / act like a good person phenomenon. Or, at least, it’s not supposed to be.)

ANYWAY ... the article on old flames and FB is worth the read, especially for those of us with the sad history of having old flames. (HT: Challies.com—for the article, not my sad history.) And please, yes, do think and talk and act with care and forethought re: internet / FaceBook use. I’m looking forward to Challies' book next year on such things.

I’m still cookin' along with a high fever and other, unmentionable, flu stuff, so I won’t be as accessible today. But I hope you have a wonderful Friday and head into your weekend blessed, blessed, blessed!

Your friend,
Tara B.

Fred and I have had a rough couple of days. It has to do with us connecting (or not connecting) on some important conversational topics related to our marriage, parenting, the school year, my upcoming (intense!) season of travel to serve at out of state events, Fred’s pressures and stresses at work, etc. etc.

What makes it all particularly painful is that I was really excited about us connecting about these topics. And if I had to guess, I would say that, on some deep level, he probably felt good about it all too. God has been so gracious and kind to our family! Foundationally, we are extremely grateful. But when we tried to talk about things, everything “went south in a fast direction” to quote a favorite WW malapropism of mine.

He was hurt. I was hurt. He was afraid. I was afraid. The more we tried, the worse things got. He tried hard to persevere. (Good job, Fred.) I just felt like giving up and pulling back emotionally. I tried a little bit to persevere. (Good job, Tara.) But that only seemed to make things worse.

It’s one of those relational situations that just sucks the joy right out of you. It takes time and effort and it’s so stinkin' unpleasant that it sours the morning / afternoon / evening and splashes emotional gunk onto precious little ones who are gracious and kind (Sophia) or thankfully pretty clueless but still affected by tone (Ella).

But this is real life. Real relationships. Not all finishing each other’s sentences and snuggling under a blanket at a football game while holding hands and feeling all lovey-dovey. Nope. A lot of the time our closest relationships are just extremely accurate idolatry-revealers. And where’s the fun in that?

To try to re-orient my heart this morning, I’m really praying for a Kingdom-sized picture of my Real Life (that has a few momentary years in this world and an eternity in the next). I’m praying that I will remember that Fred is not only my husband, he is my neighbor and my brother and even if at times he feels as though he is my “enemy,” he is not. (But I can preach some good truths to my messed up heart even if I FEEL like he is my enemy—truths like loving him, praying for him, doing good to him, blessing him and never cursing, etc. etc. Pesky ol' Luke 6:27-28 and Romans 12.)

Plus, I am really crying out to God for HELP. Not for Fred to change but for MY HEART to change. I don’t need a good idea or a mixture of psychobabble and ethos-laden drivel. I need a Savior! I need rescue.

So I sat down and read an old, long, classic David Powlison article:

Idols of the Heart and Vanity Fair

It’s really long and might feel academic to some of you. (I’m fairly certain it was first published in CCEF’s old scholarly-level Journal of Biblical Counseling.) But it was just the right combination of insight, conviction and encouragement for me this morning when I woke up in Day 2 of my funk.

I think it was this quote that got me:

"We fail to love people because we are idolaters who love neither God nor neighbor. We become objectively insecure because we abide under God’s curse and because other people are just as self-centered as we are. We create and experience estrangement from both God and other people. The love of God teaches us to repent of our “need for love,” seeing it as a lust, receiving merciful real love, and beginning to learn how to love rather than being consumed with getting love."

And this quote that encouraged me, but only because I took the time to read the footnote, weirdo that I am:

"Christ powerfully meets people who are aware of their real need for help." ("29 Hebrews 4:12-16; Matthew 5:3-6; Luke 11:1-13; Matthew 11:28-30; 2 Corinthians 12:9-10; indeed, the entire Bible! Christ’s forte is our acknowledged need in the face of compulsions from within and pressures from without." Footnote 29)

So here I sit, trying to will myself to get out of bed, acknowledging my need in the face of “compulsions from within and pressures from without.” Please help me, Lord.

Striving to remember Christ’s forte—

Your friend,
Tara B.

Some good ideas here:

Date Night Tips from Pastor Mark Driscoll

I’m convicted. Maybe this will help Fred and me to get back into a better pattern ourselves:

Scraps of Thoughts on Daily Prayer

It’s all great. But this paragraph caught me:

"The last form of prayer that I do daily is prayer with my wife, Kathy. About nine years ago Kathy and I were contemplating the fact that we had largely failed to pray together over the years. Then Kathy exhorted me like this ...

... I realized she was right. And for some reason, the penny dropped for us both, and we can’t remember missing a night since."

(Thought I was going to give the punchline away? Nope. I really hope you will click on over and read the entire article.)

Do you find any irony in the fact that I found this article on the IX Marks blog yesterday:

Save Your Marriage — TALK (Seriously!)

Gave myself a task for today to put the link up for you ...

And then Fred and I spent pretty much every minute of last night and thus far this morning fighting? You know. “Talking”—to be sure. But also really REALLY not wanting to keep talking. (Fred and I are both prone to flight. Big time.)

But we kept trying until late in the night. Slept fitfully. Woke up and kept trying some more. Until finally our need to take care of little girls and little creatures overtook our ability to keep, well, talking. So now I’m blogging (quickly) and he’s starting our breakfast routine and we’re all about to head out the door to Ella’s well-child-1-year-old doctor appointment / work / etc. etc.

And what fodder do I find in my “blog this” task? Save Your Marriage. Talk.

Classic. I mean seriously—you just can’t make this stuff up.

So off I go to RE-read this article that I am commending to you as well because obviously I didn’t read it carefully enough yesterday.

God is still the same. My life still have buckets of pastels even though the broad brushstroke of my palate this morning feels very, very dark.

Fred did a great job persevering. He did! I think I even did, well, fair-to-middlin' in trying too.

There is grace for the day. I’m typing it to help me to believe it. Somewhere deep down inside of the truest me, I do believe it. BUT OH! Sometimes life is just a drag.

Hope this blog entry doesn’t depress you. I just don’t ever want you to think, “Wow. Those Barthels. Aren’t they great!” NOPE.

I hope that in this blog I am (appropriately) honest such that you say, “Wow. That God! He sure is GREAT. And glorious. Faithful. True. Present. Involved. Active. Caring. Those Barthels are a WRECK! But they are loved by a Great God. They’re going to be OK, no matter what. God is with them and He is with me ... so ... back into the day I go.”

That’s my earnest desire! And with that, I have to run—

Blessings to you!
– Tara B.

Fred showed me this video after our date last night and while I enjoyed it (and enjoyed having a tear go down my cheek as I looked up into my dear husband’s wobbly tear-stained eyes too), I don’t know if I would’ve necessarily blogged it.

But two very specific details that the singer/songwriter referenced about his own marriage just struck me as so serendipitously delightful that I wanted to share it with you. The two details are his own “$40 wedding rings” (the exact price of our wedding bands) and their “fifteen years” of marriage—the exact length of marriage we will celebrate, Lord willing, this coming August 5th.

So, with that said, enjoy!

I’m pretty sure I’ve posted this link before—but the series is so good that I may end up posting it every summer:

Leadership and Family Vacations

Though directed at husbands, there are helpful and wise insights for every member of a family that has ever ended up fighting, “miserable,” and anything-BUT-the-happy-Disney-brochure-family on a vacation.

We’re actually doing pretty well around here (praise the Lord!)—but we’re in the home stretch now ... a little fried, a little out-of-sorts from not being in our own home, etc. etc. But mostly happy and grateful, so that’s good. And VERY aware of our need for the grace of God in Christ, so that’s great.

Hope you all enjoy a lovely day too! And if you’re headed out of town on any family vacations this summer, be sure to check out those articles. I think you’ll be glad you did.

Blessings,
Tara B.

Randy Alcorn titled this article about sexual purity, but I think it’s just a great read filled with great reminders for strengthening all areas of the marriage relationship:

Pursuing Sexual Purity in Your Marriage

Fred and I are really working on the second point—last week he actually CALLED ME UP and ASKED ME OUT ON A DATE. And even though (REAL LIFE!), it was only an hour or so after we had a big fight (!!), it STILL felt so edifying for him to ask me out. Just like a man who is interested in a woman would do.

Yes, yes. Fifteen years into our marriage, we are listening to all of that wise counsel everyone and every book says: “Date your spouse!” We’re slow learners, obviously, but teachable. By God’s grace!

Hope you enjoy the article—

Blessings,
Tara B.

Sophia blessed me with yet another great peacemaking lesson this morning. It came in response to my question:

"Honey? How did you feel last night when Mommy and Daddy were working through their conflict?"

(Fred and I had a doozy of a fight last night. All over something fun we might get to do during our trip to California—a special celebration for our 40th birthdays and our 15th wedding anniversary. Nothing like marital efforts to do something NICE for each other to bring out a BIG OL' CONFLICT, eh? Erggggghhhhh.)

Anyway ... Sophie replied this way:

"Well. I kind of wish you guys had just said something like, “OK. Let’s get the symphony tickets and have a good time and then be DONE with it. Let it go. Forgive and move on.”

So I explained that actually our conflict had very LITTLE to do with the tickets. It had to do with long-standing heart issues that both Fred and I have (and were aware of even during our pre-engagement counseling 16 years ago!) ... about romance and spending money and initiating things and being content and showing gratitude, etc. etc. The potential tickets were just the presenting issue. The problem was in our HEARTS. And as much as I’m sure we both would’ve LOVED to have just swept all that aside with some simple comment, it just wasn’t possible.

As soon as I said the word “swept,” Sophie’s little peacemaking brain started clicking along:

"Oh. I see.

SO ... if you just swept it under the rug, that would’ve been like going to bed without even trying to talk about it and work through it. It would still be there and you’d keep thinking about it.

But you were trying to take it out to the garbage can so you could forgive and have a FRESH START."

Yes. Right. Exactly.

Oh oh oh! That God will help us to forgive and have a fresh start. I think the underside of my heart’s rug is still a little dirty as of this morning. Which is no good of course.

Life in a fallen world. The Old Man. Marriage of two redeemed sinners living in a fallen world. Good thing we have a Savior!

Hope your Friday is a blessed one—

Yours,
Tara B.

Fred and I continue to muddle our way through that exhausting and challenging-for-marriages season of life called “parenting small children.”

Of course we love our girls! And deep down, we know that we love one another. But lately, it’s sure been hard to FEEL very loving toward each other. We’re sort of in some communication ruts that lend themselves to misunderstandings, hurts, and the easy-to-fall-into fight or flight responses to conflict.

No fun.

So this week, I said to Fred:

"I have an idea. How about if we just FAKE IT for one week. You know. Act toward each other like we USED to act toward each other—all lovey-dovey, best-friendy, in-lovey. Maybe that will help us to get out of these ruts and FEEL those things again?"

To which Fred replied something along the lines of, “Sounds good. Sounds like FAITH. Let’s just act in faith, in a loving manner, towards one another.”

(I thought to myself, “Potato. Pah-tah-to. Tomato. To-mah-toh. You say faith. I’ll say FAKIN' IT. But OK. Sounds good. Let’s give it a shot.”)

And it has helped. I think my suggestion was based on some CCEF author who said in some brilliant CCEF book/article (nice cite, eh?) something along the lines of:

"The fastest way to BE more loving is to ACT in a loving manner."

So that’s what we’re trying to do.

No. Things haven’t been easy or perfect. But we’re trying! In faith. (In fake? Nah. In faith.)

Here’s to a more loving Friday!

Yours,
Tara B.

BrittleCrazyGlass (aka Soon-to-be-MOMMA-MOLLY! Hooray!) posted a thoughtful list that I hope you’ll not only read, but share with others (especially people who are considering marriage—she directs it to women as they think about future husbands, but it could just as readily apply to men as they think about future wives too):

What I Should Have Wanted in a Husband

Fred and I just registered for the 2010 CCEF Conference – Mariage: One for Better and Worse and I hope to get to see you there too!

If you’re not familiar with CCEF (the Christian Counseling and Educational Foundation), I hope you’ll get to know them. Their materials are the finest practical theology (counseling the heart) resources that I know of. They are biblical, Christ-centered, and yet imminently practical and readable. (I’m obviously a big fan.)

See you in November?

Gratefully,
Tara B.

If you take the time to read just one thing today, read this article by Justin Hyde:

How I Pastor My Family

Single, married, male, female—you can learn from this article. I did.

Yes, it’s directed at husbands and fathers. But really? It’s about “living a life of love, just as Christ loved you and gave himself up for you as a fragrance and offering to God” (Ephesians 5:2).

When I read it, I thought about:

- Walking into a women’s study after a sad and discouraging morning. Where is my focus? What am I thinking about? Myself? My troubles? Or purposefully serving and giving and loving well?

- Whether I am intentional in my use of technology. Do I hold my six year-old as much as I hold my laptop during my day? What about my husband? My baby? If I were to touch THEM as I much as I touch my LAPTOP, how would our relationships change?

- My strong, burdensome conviction these past few weeks that our family life is not where it should be, in part because I am not being diligent about ROUTINES. I’m just not. After the “five surgeries in six months” year last year + newborn baby in the house, I’ve just let so many things slide that we’re currently in a bit of a free for all regarding some things. (Not all things, by God’s grace! But some things. Important things.) I’ve been convicted for awhile. But change isn’t change until change takes place. This article encourages me by reminding me of that which is GOOD. I’m attracted to it. Like a bowl of freshly washed raspberries after too much cookie dough—the excellent really is better than the mediocre.

- The importance of PLAY. Laughter. FUN. Yes, I’m a melancholy person by nature. That’s my bent. So it takes FAITH and OBEDIENCE to get up out of the rut of my temperament and laugh at the hysterically fun adventures Sophie and I can make with Thomas the Tank Engine circus cars (etc. etc.).

- How grateful I am that even with all of our many (many!) areas in need of improvement, we really do have a sweet family routine of Bible and catechism and reading and snuggles. Every day. Yes, we’re lazy. And sure—if we had the choice of flipping through channels on a television, maybe we would do it. But by God’s grace, we don’t. (The two channels our old, old television MIGHT get here in Montana just don’t tempt us.) The grating noise of Newsac is not present in our lives. Like the author of this article, we too loved the Catechism for Young Children when Sophia was little and we’re lovin' the Shorter Catechism now. (I just can’t imagine going through life and reading Scripture, poetry, literature with my children without the catechisms. They give us a shared vocabulary for what truly matters in life in a way that nothing else I know does. I just LOVE the catechisms!)

And, yes, of course, I read this and thought, "I hope Fred reads this article!" Because it really is helpful and wise.

But whether he does or doesn’t, I’m convicted and encouraged. (NOT guilted into working harder to measure up and be better and somehow force my family into some fake performance of a “perfect Christian family.” No!)

Just helped a little bit along the way.

So thanks, Pastor Hyde. And HT: Challies.com (yet again).

Blessings to you,
Tara B.

Owen Strachan just summarized and linked to an insightful message by Bruce Ware that I commend to you:

An Essential Talk by Bruce Ware on Godly Manhood

As I read his points, I was struck by two thoughts:

1. I hope women (including me!) don’t warp these excellent points into LAW to thrust on our husbands and criticize them, even just silently to ourselves.

2. I wonder how I could be an encourager and helper to Fred in regards to such things?

(Oh, and I also thought to myself: “What an excellent grid for a woman to think through what she is praying for and looking for in a potential husband.” And, “If I had a son, I would surely be encouraging such things in his heart, especially as he prayerfully strives to prepare to be a husband and father one day.”)

Hope you enjoy! Off to school now—

Yours,
Tara B.

(HT: Challies.com)

I just snatched Paul Tripp’s latest book (What Did You Expect? Redeeming the Realities of Marriage) from WTS for practically FREE by redeeming my Challies Friends of the Blog WTS credit before their huge sale ends (a hardcover book that I wanted to buy anyway for only $8.99!).

Combine that sale with my $10 Challies credit so I’m just covering like $2 in media mail shipping?! Hooray! What a deal.

Just wanted to be sure you knew about it too ...

On a busy morning, while Sophie did a puzzle on our kitchen floor, Fred knelt down to see if a piece went under the oven.

Seeing, well, things that shouldn’t be on a kitchen floor under an oven (I’m embarrassed to even say it) ... Golden Retriever hair, Oatios, etc. etc. ...

Does he criticize my poor housekeeping?
Ask me to take care of it?

No. He simply went downstairs. Grabbed a broom. And quietly cleaned it up.

Grace in a marriage really helps. And in parenting. Friendship. Being a member of a church. At work. (And on and on ...)

Praying to be a more gracious person even this very day,
Tara B.

Yup. “It’s Almost Naptime” is SPOT ON in this great post:

The Marriage Bed

Enjoy, dear soon-to-be Mr & Mrs Adams!

Enjoy, dear friends who are married 15+ years (like us)!

And thanks, mis. Great post.

Fred and I are hoping to attend the 2010 CCEF Conference this November:

One For Better and Worse

Three great men from our own little church in Billings will be serving during the pre-conference sessions. And I’m so hoping that CCEF might grant me the joy of live blogging the event for them again. That was such a blast!

(My LiveBlogs from their 2008 conference on Addictions continue to receive consistent replays. You can read them here if you are interested. I also LiveBlogged Jerram Barrs' Plenary Sessions at this year’s PCA Women’s Leadership Conference if you’d like to check them out too.)

Off to get the grandparents now! Hope to see you in November at the CCEF Conference—

Yours,
Tara B.

HT to TakeYourVitaminZ for linking over to this JD Greear article:

What Advice Do You Have for a Newlywed Husband?

It’s strongly written—I would have said some of the things differently. Still, it’s worth the read—and not just for newlyweds.

My friend and I were just talking about the 2010 CCEF Conference: Marriage—One for Better and Worse. Her husband will be a speaker there and boy! I sure do wish we had the funds to attend.

If there is any chance you can make it, I strongly urge you to start saving now and GO.

Here is a little conference preview video to further tempt you:

Here’s a little Happy Valentine’s Day Barthel family conversation for you:

"Sophie?" Momma Tara inquired, “Do you think mommy and daddy love each other?”

“Of course!”

“Well, then, why do we FIGHT with each other?”

"Because you’re sinners."

“Yes. So what HOPE is there for us?”

“Jesus died for your sins and He continues to pray for you.”

Amen.

Fred and I recently had a helpful and relatively profound epiphany—at least it’s been profound for our friendship and marriage.

We realized that at the heart of many of our recent quarrels and fights, we were presuming that the other person was upset, unhappy, or frustrated. With us.

And usually? We were presuming that the other person was extremely upset, unhappy, or frustrated.

So then we either backtracked into some sort of “make it all better” over-reactive mode OR we became quickly (and disproportionately) defensive or even attack-y, so before you could say the word IRONIC, the other person WAS upset, unhappy, or frustrated.

Needless to say, this was not a pleasant rut to get stuck in relationally. But it was a rut—a well-established habit, routine, or pattern. So it sure hasn’t been that easy to change.

But now that we’re aware of the problem and able to name it, we can see it a little faster, pull out of it a little quicker—and sometimes (O! Glorious Sometimes!), we even avoid it entirely and laugh at ourselves together. As friends.

Grace for the moment, eh?
Grace for our ruts. Grace to get on up OUT of our ruts.

I’m a grateful gal.

G'nite!
– Tara B.

I’ve enjoyed many aspects of this family vacation:

- Sufficient length to really settle in and find an unhurried pace for visiting with family

- Some “normal” days of Fred working and me taking the girls through our standard routine of Bible / catechism / poetry / logic / reading / math / violin / play play cuddle laugh play

- One delightful JUST FRED walk out by the ocean wherein he actually held my hand and we could talk without interruption

- Sophia’s laughter and glee playing with aunts and uncles and cousins

I could list a bunch more, but they all come back to one thing that has truly ministered to my weary soul: relationships.

On this trip, I have experienced firsthand the blessing of 2 Corinthians 1:3-4:

"Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God."

These verses beautifully summarize what is so powerful to experience in life.

In psychotherapy, the term “therapeutic moment” is sometimes used to describe it. In the church, we might call it empathy (entering into the feelings of another) combined with wisdom.

But I think another term for it is simply friendship—real friendship; the kind of friendship that can be easy and comfortable over a slice of pizza or a game of cards, or intensely revealing in a difficult conversation ... the kind of friendship that has sufficient knowledge and understanding to speak into one another’s lives at a level that casual acquaintances simply can’t have.

How grateful I am to have spent all 39 years of my life with my sister—she speaks to my heart (and especially my past hurts) in a way that no one else can because she was THERE. She knows. So we can laugh and cry, grieve and heal, and persevere in a way that is unique to us. What a grace.

How I thank God for my husband, Fred, and the sixteen years we have spent together. Truly, we are one flesh. I could no more imagine my life apart from him than I could imagine peeling off my skin and living apart from my own body. He knows me better than any person could ever know me—and yet he loves me still! What a taste of Heaven to come.

And oh! How I thank God for IN-LAWS. My sister’s Fred and my husband’s brothers are truly the best brothers-in-law in the world. And to gain sisters-in-law too? Well, I am a blessed woman.

And in particular on this trip? Both Kali and Fred and John and Penny have given to us a number of “therapeutic moments” of empathy / real friendship when they have responded to some of the struggles Fred and I are going through with knowing glances, deep chuckles (that you just KNOW have come from some seriously HARD conversations), and encouraging, wise counsel that has really helped us.

Because they’ve been there.
They know the affliction.
And they know US.

So they can comfort us in the way they’ve been comforted.

Ahhhhhh—
What a grace.

Hope you have a blessed and comfort-filled Monday!

Yours,
Tara B.

TakeYourVitaminZ continues to link to great articles and this one is a definite MUST READ if you enjoy the (occasional? frequent?) chick flick (including, btw, Jane Austen):

You’ve Got Lies: Chick Flicks and the World’s Approach to Men and Marriage

(It’s an interesting article. Well written. Not condemning. But it did make me at least pause re: the videos I was planning to bring for my four-days-in-the-hospital “getaway” (hah!) next week ...)

If you’ve been reading this blog for any length of time, you know that Fred and I went through a surprising and frighteningly isolated/lonely/despair-filled season of marriage last year.

(I say “surprising” because if you had asked me years ago if we would ever feel so distant from each other and struggle so much in our friendship and marriage, I would’ve said no. I don’t think I was naive enough to ever presume that we wouldn’t have some level of struggle and suffering as a couple, I just never thought it would get SO BAD. But it did.)

Thankfully, after running away/ignoring the problem for too long, and having reached pretty much rock-bottom in how we related (or, more accurately, DIDN’T relate) with one another, we started being more open about needing help. And God graciously brought us timely, faithful, grace-based love and counseling from our pastor and friends.

Over the course of the last year, things have slowly and gradually improved. So I was quite surprised when my heart was SO tempted to pull back again last night after we had a difficult, frustrating conversation over (of all the silly things!) a CAR SEAT.

But there I lay in the darkness, paralyzed by how much we were missing each other. A part of me wanting to work through it. A part of me wanting to just keep my back to Fred and go to sleep (or at least lie there until HE went to sleep and then get up and do more filing/organizing—my oft' drug of choice).

Thankfully, instead, I remembered one of the first things Pastor Jason said to us last summer after we had both unloaded a bit of our story re: just how AWFUL things were. He looked at us with love. He wrapped us in compassion. And then he said:

"I know this is extremely painful for both of you and you’re both feeling hopeless that it will ever change. But I want to encourage you that I KNOW it WILL change. Things will get better. But not in your own strength.

Neither of you has the resources to “fix” this. You can’t make these problems go away and return your marriage to a safe, loving, open relationship.

But there are resources beyond you! God is real. He is with you. He has and is everything you need for life and godliness. He has given you Himself. He promises to always be with you.

You’re forgetting Him right now. But He never forgets you.

You’re forgetting His promises and His help right now. But He never falters. He never wavers.

What are the resources you have that are beyond yourselves?"

As I lay there in the dark last night, so tempted to run away emotionally, so tempted to NOT TRY ... I did pray.

I prayed that God would please help us. That He would give me the faith and grace to remember Him and trust in His promises. That by relying on Him, on His resources, on His character (goodness, faithfulness, kindness, compassion, omnipotence, holiness), we would please FIND A WAY through this silly, but not-so-silly, fight.

And even though it necessitated a trip to the garage at 11PM, with lots of time looking for a car seat instruction booklet (that I’m FAIRLY certain our paper-eating-addict-of-a-Golden-Retriever ATE) and then rebuilding and reinstalling a car seat ... we did go to bed feeling a little bit connected, talking a touching a little bit, and NOT even dipping one toe into the dark, escapist waters of non-communication that truly drown marital friendship and love.

I am grateful. Still not all “lovey-dovey-feeling” inside. But grateful—mostly that God is real; He cares about little ol' Fred and Tara in Billings, Montana; and He truly is at work conforming us to Christ and building His Kingdom:

"The apostles said to the Lord, ‘Increase our faith!’" Luke 17:5

“For it is God who works in you to will and to act according to his good purposes.” Philippians 2:13

“Holy Father, protect them by the power of your name—the name you gave me.” John 17:11

He does. He truly does.

Hope you have a blessed Monday and a wonderful week.

Yours,
Tara B.

Fred and I sat with our calendars last night and tried to scope out a plan for the next seven (Pre-Ella Marie’s arrival!) weeks of our lives.

We were hoping to avoid some, ummm, difficult conversations (fights). And I was particularly hoping that I could come up with a plan that would help Sophia and me to be more flexible and supportive to Fred as he is in the final push on a HUGE project at work. (Peacemakers is creating a new leadership resource ("The Peacemaking Church Leadership Study") and Fred is coordinating pretty much all aspects associated with its creation, production, post-production, design, marketing, etc. Yeep!)

My hope is that he feels the freedom to stay late at the office, come home and work late, work Saturdays ... basically whatever he needs in order to accomplish his goals. But I’d also like him to have, you know, FOOD to eat (and you know how I’m not so good at the whole “making meals” thing even on a normal day).

So we came up with a list of three categories:

- Always have stocked in the house (fruit, vegis, cereal & milk, bread & lunchmeat, yogurt, cottage cheese, eggs, pastas)

- Quick meals (easy to whip together at the last minute / late at night)

- Real meals (on the rare occasions when we’ll get to eat together as a family)

Then I scoped out our week, went and shopped at 9PM, and tried to get us ready for this family push.

(I also woke up this morning and PRAYED that I would have a happy heart as I am already missing having Fred home. But I truly want to support him in this endeavor—and everything he does! So hopefully I’ll have a happy and grateful heart and we’ll get through these seven weeks as a team.)

All of this reminds me of the last push on Fred’s Master’s Thesis. He was SO motivated to get that thing DONE before our wedding. And he did. ONE WEEK before we were married, he submitted his final thesis and could STOP working all day and all night.

We’re shooting for a similar goal but this time it’s "before the baby comes and Tara has to recover from a c-section and knee surgery all while adjusting to life with a newborn."

Oh, that I will walk through the discomfort of the eighth and ninth months of pregnancy (and heat!) in such a gracious way, that Fred feels my friendship and support. (Because I am reminded of just how AWFUL my heart was the last time he disappeared all day and all night and Saturdays one summer to reach a big deadline for work at Peacemakers. I was not a godly wife or even a good friend! I am trusting in God’s help for a different summer for us this year.)

Last note on this marriage post ...

TakeYourVitaminZ linked to a great set of questions (and answers) by David Powlison over at Shepherd’s Scrapbook on How To Spark Substantive Conversation With Your Spouse:

1. What are your present burdens? The Bible tells us that we are born for trouble (Job 5:7). So what is the trouble? A sin? A responsibility? An issue at work? A particular conflict? What weighs you down? What was your lowlight of this day? These burdens are the “heat of life.”

2. What are your present joys? What were your highlights from the day? These joys are the “dew of blessing.”

3. What is your calling? This could include the mundane tasks, or broader life-purpose questions. What are your duties for this day? What do you need to do? What are your goals for this day? For example, a parent could say, “Today, I don’t want to lose my temper with the kids.” It could be as simple as this.

I encourage you to read the entire article and consider how it might also apply to other relationships too (parenting, friendship, church relationships).

Off into our day now!

Blessings and love,
Tara B.

Fred and I were reflecting on our (almost fourteen-year) marriage by remembering the counsel we received near our wedding.

(Due to a car accident that closed down a highway, the message ended up being given at our reception, not during our actual service because our dear friend, Dr. Paul Jensen, missed the service by just a few minutes. So, yes, we had the world’s shortest wedding. But hey! We left married–which is my only standard/goal for all weddings. Everything else is nice, sure, but if you leave married? Success!)

But I digress ...

I know it may be strange to actually remember anything from your wedding message, but we both do. In it, Dr. Jensen reminded us how CS Lewis explained love (in his book, “The Four Loves”) by using the four Greek words for love: affection (storge), friendship (philia), romantic/s*xual love (eros), and charity (agape).

He charged us that although we couldn’t even IMAGINE it at that moment (me in my white wedding gown, Fred in his suit; both of us glowing/grinning/so happy to finally be married; SO eager to take our introverted little selves OUT of that reception an ONTO our honeymoon ) ... that, like all married couples, we WOULD come to a point in our marriage when eros (that feeling of being “IN LOVE”) would fade/wax and wane.

Dr. Jensen charged us to enjoy eros love. Absolutely! Yes! But also to remember, ESPECIALLY in those moments when we don’t FEEL so “in love”, that our love truly goes WELL BEYOND eros love. By God’s grace, we also have:

- Friendship (philia, φιλία ). We are bonded together, strongly bonded together, by our friendship. We are companions through life. Our relationship was formed over time, lots of time, spent together. Talking and engaging, sure. But also just being. Fred and I have spent the last sixteen years of life together. We are inextricably intertwined. Neither of us is ever going away from the other. (Even when—especially when—we don’t FEEL all “lovey-dovey-IN LOVE”/eros.)

- Affection (storge, στοργή ). We genuinely care about each other. We have observed each other at our absolute highs and absolute lows. We have spent time with each other’s families (!!). We have traveled, cleaned, served, worked, eaten, studied, relaxed, LIVED side-by-side for sixteen years now and we really like each other. We are not fond of each other in a vague way. We know each other intimately. We are familiar with each other’s weaknesses to be sure, but we still are affectionate toward one another.

- Charity (agapē, ἀγάπη ). Because God first loved us, we love one another. Period. Because God is so rich in mercy toward us, we are rich in mercy toward one another. (Or, well, we try to be anyway!) We do not have to earn each other’s love. We are not at risk of losing each other’s love. We care about each other regardless of our circumstances. Unconditionally. Charitably. Because at its foundation, our love in marriage is NOT about us—it is all about God. And God never changes. He never wavers. He gives us the grace to love one another.

It is such an evidence of my pride and immaturity that I actually remember sitting at our wedding reception, listening to this message from Dr. Jensen, and quietly thinking to myself:

"Oh. OK, Dr. Jensen. Uh-yeah-sure-WHATEVER. All of that stuff about the four loves? Great. Great. But I just KNOW that WE are going to be DIFFERENT. Our love and friendship are SO STRONG that WE are ALWAYS going to FEEL “in love.” We’re going to have philia and agape and storge AND eros. All the time. Every day. For the rest of our lives."

Can you imagine? What a silly (foolish) girl I was!

Because of course, Dr. Jensen was right. Of course we have had our ups and downs in the FEELINGS/eros department.

But love goes way beyond feelings. Feelings are great! And we do need to keep working on growing the romantic/intimate nature of our marriage (because we often don’t value it ENOUGH–especially during this “raising young children” season of life).

So that’s what we were reflecting on in our (hard, tear-filled) conversation.

And now I am sitting here, thanking God for His grace. And thanking God for Fred.

Hope you have a blessed Sabbath tomorrow!

Much, much love—
Tara B.

Don’t miss two great posts by Jess over at Making Home:

Intimacy is a Step (on a One-Way Street)

Study Your Husband

Like Jess, I wish I had heard (and LISTENED TO!) advice like the first post when I was still single/in my teens and twenties.

And the second post? Well. Let’s just say that I’m a) convicted; and b) grateful for the Cross.

Hope your Friday is a great one!

Yours,
Tara B.

Do you ever find yourself tempted to FIGHT when you are on a family vacation that is supposed to be FUN?

Fred and I had a few minutes of that temptation this morning when, on his day off, we started to fall into this TRAP:

Tara: “Fred, how would you like to spend your day off?” (Wanting to bless him.)

Fred: “Oh. I don’t know. What would YOU like?” (Wanting to bless me.)

Tara: “Well, we could hang out at home after gymnastics and violin. Or we could go for a hike. We could be productive or totally relax and just veg out / play games / read. What would YOU like?”

Fred: “Hmmmm. Well. Maybe I’ll run some errands. Or work in the yard. Or I could take Soph to gymnastics. What would YOU like?”

Now, I know that to some of you, it might sound like a pretty lame fight. “Are they arguing about being nice to each other?” BUT, I have to tell you, IT’S NO FUN. And we could’ve gone into quite a little RUT of unpleasantness, but thankfully, we pulled out of it, communicated in a more productive manner, and ended up having a very nice family day.

(By the skin of our chinny chin chin.)

Thank God for grace!

I’m off to make some dinner now–

Yours,
Tara B.

Well ...

Our final schedule is set. Handouts are done and have been sent to the event coordinator. And in the morning, my pastor and I will leave for New Jersey to do our first marriage retreat.

I can’t wait.

Even just doing final prep with Pastor Jason this morning was such a thrill–his passion for Christ and his strong gifts in applying the gospel to REAL LIFE (especially in marriages) are simply off-the-chart. I LOVE that we are approaching a marriage retreat from a gospel perspective (instead of “10 Steps for Better Communication”, "3 Things to Improve Your Romantic Love," etc. etc. like all of the marriage conferences I’ve ever been to in the past).

I pray that God will help us! And that these dear men and women will be encouraged to believe the promises of God (which are all YES! in Christ).

If I have internet access, I’ll try to be in touch–but in addition to the retreat, we’re training the staff of this church on Friday (basic peacemaking) and then Jason is preaching two services on Sunday and I’m doing a women’s Sunday School Class ... so needless to say, time will be short.

If I don’t surface for air again before next week, hope you have a great weekend!

Yours exhaustedly but happily,
Tara B.

PS
In addition to finishing all of the event materials, Sophie and I had SO much fun today making a “worms in dirt” dessert. Sophie actually picked the recipe out herself, did all of the shopping (including self-checkout scanning), read all of the instructions, organized the ingredients, and put it together step-by-step. The only thing I did was plug in the electric mixer.



SO FUN! Grace grace grace.

Talk with you soon–tkb

Carolyn McCulley has a great post over at RadicalWomanhood and I encourage you to check it out:

Advice for the Set-Up

In it, she responds to a single woman who wrote this:

"Mandy said that her cousin invited her to dinner to meet Randy. This is where my question comes in...what do you think about being set up to meet a person of the opposite sex?

I am 23 and single, and have encountered a few instances where people have wanted to set me up with a guy. I tend to back away from these opportunities because I do not feel like I should play any part in trying to find “the one.” Rather, I desire to trust in the sovereignty of God and want to allow Him to work His will in my life."

Interesting question, don’t you think?

Especially for those of us who DO pray for our single friends and, as we believe is appropriate and wise and loving, DO introduce them one to another.

I really appreciate Carolyn’s thoughtful response and would love to know what you think too.

Hope you have a blessed Friday! We’re snowed in here–but hopefully we’ll be able to make it out and about this afternoon for group violin lessons.

Blessings!
– Tara B.

PS
Especially lately, I’ve had (silly, I know!) thoughts about doing a blog post on some of the wonderful singles in my life–with the hope that I might help them to connect with, well, wonderful spouses. But I don’t think that’s what Carolyn is talking about.

TakeYourVitaminZ posted a great link that I encourage you to check out:

This Floored Me Today

Fred and I had a rough conversation last night.

We were both trying hard to honor the Lord and each other. But it was still a tense exchange.

I left the room for a few minutes to pack up some orders and when I got back, Fred and I persevered and worked through the things we had to discuss.

Later on in the evening, Fred told me how Sophie coached him and helped him to have a more gracious and tender heart toward me. Apparently, after our tense exchange, when I was out of the room, Sophie asked Fred:

"Dad? How excited was Mom when you asked her to marry you?"

As he answered her, he said that his heart began to soften.

What a great reminder of Philippians 4!

"Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things." Philippians 4:8 (ESV)

(Oh, and by the way, when I got upstairs, Sophie confronted me about not using a gentle tone with Fred and she encouraged me to apologize to him. So I did. Guess I needed a little law and Fred needed a little grace, eh? )

Thank God for our children! Out of the mouths of babes ...

Happy, blessed Sabbath to you!

Yours,
Tara B.

Another thing I filed away for Fred and me to discuss and use personally (and to share at the marriage retreat weekend my pastor and I are leading this spring on the east coast) is from the wonderful men at IX Marks:

Rejoice in the Wife of Your Youth–A Do It Yourself Marriage Retreat

Great stuff in the attached .pdf file! I hope you’ll check it out.

It’s interesting to me that my attention would be drawn to both of these posts this morning because I was just remarking to Fred (on the drive home from the hospital last night) how I am beginning to catch even a glimpse of the stress that a sick child places on a marriage.

I’ve always heard about such things–how high the divorce rate is when a child faces a serious illness, disability, or even death. But I never understood just how taxing it all is: doctors and nurses and needles and huge medical machines and driving to and from and to and from the hospital (while watching your tired child sit limp in her car seat imploring you with her eyes and trusting you at the same time).

Thankfully, so far, Fred and I have been drawing closer together, so that’s a true grace and an answer to prayer I am sure. But I still would like us to go through this “do it yourself marriage retreat” one day. I am sure it would be a great blessing to our friendship and our eros love too.

Heading into our day now–

Hope you are well!

Yours,
Tara B.

Someone just put up a new comments on this discussion thread on PeaceGals and I was really blessed to re-read it.

Is Your Marriage in Danger?

(Honestly? I had forgotten about this discussion thread entirely, but I really would like to discuss it with Fred–Hi Fred!–when we get a chance.)

Hope it’s a blessing to you all too!

Happy Thursday–

Yours,
Tara B.

This morning, after a family appointment, Fred indulged my once-yearly-hankering for a Hardees cinnamon and raisin biscuit (yes, yes, I know that are like the WORST thing you can EVER eat) ... so we found ourselves reading the local paper in a booth downtown.

Feeling silly and playful, I said, “So tell me about yourself.” And he jumped right in, “Well, I’m a high school junior. Playing a big of hooky now to have this biscuit with a cute girl,” etc. etc.

I asked him if he’d ever played hooky. Hah. Of course not. Mr. 100% PERFECT ATTENDANCE year after year after year, that’s Fred. (I still find that remarkable. How could someone have PERFECT attendance? I remember him showing me his 50 or so plastic “perfect attendance” cups when we were courting, so I know it must be true.)

Then I told him a funny story from literally, 1987 ...

I was a high school senior and one of my dearest friends was a high school junior. He was super-cute and smart, musical, on the speech team (I was the co-captain) ... just a great guy. And I REALLY wanted him to ask me to the Homecoming dance.

Finally. One day. Sitting in the parking lot of the Morris, Illinois Hardees, he squirreled up the courage to ask me to the dance.

I asked Fred, “Why do you think it was so hard for him? It was SO obvious that I liked him and of course I would say yes. So why is it so hard for a guy to ask a girl out?”

Fred said, “Maybe it wasn’t that obvious to him.”

“Was it obvious to YOU when I liked you six years later when we were in grad school?”

“I THOUGHT you did.”

And of course he was right. I did. A lot.

I fell fast and hard for Fred–the kindest man I’ve ever known. Ever. Well, tied with my “Grandpa” Bernie. (Yup, if Bernie had been 50 years younger, he really MAY have given Fred a run for his money. )

In two days, it will have been fourteen years since Fred asked me to marry him. December 31, 1994. I replied, “Yes, yes, of course, yes!”

No squirreling of courage necessary for that one, I assume. He knew I was his–we were just making it official.

Now here we sit, living in Montana with our native-Montanan daughter and our Golden Retriever. God moves in mysterious (and good!) ways, eh?

Grace abounds. Every morning, mercies are new.
And Hardees continues to be a strangely romantic place for me.

Hope your Monday is going well!

With love,
Tara B.

PS
I’m still friends with my friend from high school and now he and his wife have a lovely daughter named Sophia Marie. Fun stuff, eh?

Dubbed “Fred the Valiant” by Andrew from Boston in a Christmas blog post last year, my sweet husband lived up to his title again yesterday ...

He left work early (even though he has huge deadlines this week and will have to work late tonight to get things done) in order to be at Sophie’s party in time for cake and ice cream.

The party was running a little late, so we were just finishing up a craft at the time I had originally told him we’d be doing the cake.

Was he grouchy in response? Did he make me feel bad because he sacrificed to leave work, etc. etc.? No no no. Not our Fred the Valiant. Instead, I heard him quietly unloading the dishwasher (which I hadn’t yet gotten to from the morning), loading the day’s dishes, and getting things ready for cake and ice cream distribution.

What a guy! I do not deserve him–but I thank God for him every day.

(Thanks, Fred! You do make me very, very happy.)

Yours,
Tara B.

I (unintentionally–she was talking very loudly) overheard a conversation on our way home Monday night. The woman’s tone was extremely condescending and biting. Her words were even worse.

It was hard to have to listen to–but I was in a situation where I really couldn’t move. I cringed for her and I cringed for the man to whom she was speaking.

But mostly I cringed for me. I am so ashamed to admit it! But I heard MY tone in her tone. I heard MY words in her words. Especially in certain conversations with Fred. Especially when I am tired and not feeling well

Oh oh oh! All I could do was cry out to God to forgive me and change me (and thank Him that He IS at work sanctifying me). And then I thanked Fred, again, for so faithfully forgiving me over and over again.

How I pray that I will NOT be a condescending, critical, harsh wife (mother, friend, church member, daughter, etc. etc. etc.)

Thank God for forgiveness!

Yours,
Tara B.

I still have this recording on an old audio cassette (although I did donate all of my old Walkmen and a bunch of old sermon tapes and unused Bibles–what a SHAME to even to say that phrase, eh?!?–to CRI last Christmas).

I remember when Dr. T.R. Harris (an organ professor of mine at Augustana College back when I was still a piano performance major) gave me the recording and said, "You have to listen to this." He was right and I did. Over and over again.

And now you can too!

Dr. E.V. While Preaching at His Wife’s Funeral

(HT: TakeYourVitaminZ for the link!)

IX Marks linked to a great (and short!) DesiringGod article that is directed at church leadership, but relevant for everyone:

How Can Pastors Guard Their Time with Their Families

Listen to just a snipppet of Pastor Piper’s wisdom on this important topic:

"A pastor needs to work with his leadership, either lay leadership or other pastors, to come up with some kind of plan like we did, so that you all have common expectations. You don’t want to feel guilty when somebody sees you out cutting your grass on Thursday afternoon at three o'clock or sees you at your kid’s soccer game at two and says, “Oh, I thought you worked.” Well you probably did work 60 or 70 hours that week, but you’re going to be at your kid’s soccer game."

Amen!

This “21 blocks of time” idea makes so much sense! Hope you enjoy.

(And maybe we can chat about this, darling Fred? )

Happy but tired in Southern California,
Tara B.

Yesterday when Sophie and I were trying to find our way back to the hotel from SeaWorld (which is, it must be noted, pretty much a STRAIGHT SHOT down ONE, maybe TWO roads max), I saw a sign for “Downtown Disney” (where we have to be this morning) and thought to myself:

"Hey! We have time. We’re not supposed to meet Fred for 40 minutes. This place is supposed to be five minutes away from our hotel. LET’S PRACTICE so that I can be more confident tomorrow morning and FOR SURE not miss Soph’s Bippity Boppity Boutique appointment."

(CUE SCARY MUSIC.)

Again, it’s supposed to be “1.5 miles” from our hotel to Downtown Disney. There are signs everywhere. And honestly? I found it without only one wrong turn. Not bad for me! We had a little news on, a little music; we were having fun and I was feeling a relatively functional adult who can possibly take care of her daughter. Possibly.

AND THEN.
Of course.

I started living one of those “no matter what you do, what you try, what direction you turn, whether you do everything that makes sense and you follow all of the directions, up is down and down is up and YOU CAN’T GET OUT OF (feel free to fill in your neurotic fear here ... your high school gymnasium, your childhood church basement, your college’s lunch hall) ... for me? DISNEYWORLD and the surrounding SUBURBS” dreams.

- All righty! There’s the road I need, I just have to go THAT direction ... WHOA! Oh no! Six lanes of rush hour traffic and I’m in the left lane (because THAT’s the direction I need to go, but to exit left, I have to be SIX LANES OVER in the one right turn lane).

- No biggie. No problem. I’ll just keep my sense of direction and exit at the first exit, turn around, and we’ll be ALL SET .... whoa!!! What’s THIS? I’m exiting but it’s not a real exit. It’s eight lanes of a HIGHWAY going to WHERE??? Is there an exit ahead, I’ll just turn around again and ...

- AHHHHHH?!?! What is going on?! Now I’m heading WHAT direction? I see no building, I just want to pull over and look at a map but there are NO shoulders. No pull offs. I’m on HIGHWAYS in HEAVY TRAFFIC I have to maintain speed. OK. Don’t panic. Call Fred, he can find me in any city with two cross streets and a direction. Call call call call call CALL. No Fred. Try Kali. Call call call call CALL. No Kali.

- Now I’m fighting a panic attack because I KNOW that the hotel is EIGHT MINUTES from where I WAS but that was 40 minutes ago. Where am I? How will we get back? I don’t want to be the kind of incompetent mother who scares her child about something so stupid! I would be HAPPY to pull over and ask for directions–but a) there is no way and no place to pull over; and b) I see NO PEOPLE!

I started seeing signs for the fake/created “Celebration Disney” CITY which to me just sounded like STEPFORD CITY (no offense if you live there–I’m sure it’s actually quite nice, but by this time I was really melting down) or someplace out of the TWILIGHT ZONE where, even if I found it, I would probably never make it out of without a trip in a flying saucer.

And yet ...
Here I am. About to get ready for our fun day, so I must’ve survived.
(Thank God that Fred finally picked up!)

And FURTHER ... thank God that I didn’t (immediately) SCREAM into the phone because I did have the (slight) presence of mind to PRAY because I realized that:

When I am THAT SCARED I can be VERY tempted to SIN by being ANGRY/RUDE.

And I didn’t want to do that.

Oh oh oh–adrenaline is a powerful drug.
Great for fighting a bear. Or running away from a bear.
Not so great for keeping your head about you, though, eh?

(Adrenaline KILLS short-term memory and mental-reasoning/functioning–that’s we you fritz out for speeches and/or piano recitals.)

But enough on that topic–
I must dash!

Happy Thursday!

Love,
Tara B.

Preach, preach, PREACH IT sister MakingHome!

The Intentional Marriage

I was having a pretty good day–and THEN. Fred said something that brought up all sorts of selfish and demanding thoughts in my head.

He basically (vulnerably!) shared how he was feeling a little sad and could use some encouragement and tender care.

My INSTINCTUAL response (oh! what a sinner I am!!) was to think, “Yeah! Me too! How about it, buddy? How about any of those date nights or love notes or flowers that Pastor Jason’s been encouraging you to pursue me with to further build back our friendship, love, and intimacy, HMMMMMMMM?”

But what I SAID–after a LONG pause, in which I:

a) Thought my selfish, completely unloving, even down-right MEAN it was so astoundingly PERFORMANCE-ORIENTED thought;

B) Literally HEARD MY OWN VOICE encouraging OTHERS to treat people with mercy, grace, and lavish love–just as they have received from God in Christ and to NOT get stuck in a performance-orientation where they treat others as they DESERVE (and saw a picture in my mind of Pastor Jason saying this same thing too–over and over again); and

C) Prayed

... was, “You bet, honey. Absolutely. I will make a special effort to be gentle with you and compassionate toward you. And you can trust that even if you don’t change, no matter how you treat me, I am always going to be here for you as your wife because I love you and I am committed to you. I’m not going anywhere. I know that we will get through this. God will help us.”

Faith is doing what doesn’t seem natural, eh?
Thank God for the gift of repentance and faith.
(And for such a precious, beloved husband too.)

Yours,
Tara B.

PS
I just received an email from a friend asking a question about this post and I thought that you might enjoy our exchange ... so here is an (edited) version:

Hi Tara,

This is a question for my personal clarification (and maybe what you typed isn’t exactly what you said to Fred). But I’m curious about the words you said in your blog post today:

"And you can trust that even if you don’t change, no matter how you treat me, I am always going to be here for you as your wife because I love you and I am committed to you."

I feel like I’ve made things worse with my husband in the past for saying things like “even if you don’t change,” and “no matter how you treat me,” because isn’t that putting blame on him in a back-handed kind of way? Doesn’t that imply that he’s the bad guy but I’m going to love him anyway? As though I am somehow superior to him?

I struggled a lot with this several years ago ... saying underhanded type comments while acting like I was the better one. And I then ARGUED VEHEMENTLY that I didn’t intend the comments to be mean and sound like that, but looking back, I now see that I was often wrong. The truth is that I did feel superior to him and I was attacking him in a back-handed kind of way.

Have you considered whether you might have actually insulted Fred yesterday? Were you feeling superior and blaming him?

Thanks for sharing your thoughts–
[name]

And here is my reply:

[name]—Thanks for being such a faithful, real-life FRIEND to me and for loving me enough to ask me the hard questions. [name], I WELCOME your comments, questions, and even your criticisms whenever you want to share them with me.

Re: your question on this specific matter … I could TOTALLY see how words COULD come across in the way you described and I absolutely think we need to be careful about that! But in this situation, no, I wasn’t feeling at ALL superior to Fred and my words came across to him as the loving and encouraging words that I meant them to be.

(I know this for sure because I asked him specifically about how he was feeling when he reviewed this blog this morning before I posted it.)

In our conversation yesterday, what I was actually feeling was that I had to die to self and love him NO MATTER WHAT because what really ministered to him in that specific moment was hearing words of commitment (which I meant) and NOT words of performance (“Well, sure, I’ll be here for you but you’d better get your act together to DO BETTER FIRST!”). That’s what I actually meant and that’s what he actually heard.

But context is key, eh? And in this context it just so happens that (GRACE GRACE GRACE!) God helped me to repent and be gracious rather than the selfish jerk I was tempted to be.

Hope this helps to clarify. I think I’ll put this little discussion (anonymously of course) in a P.S. because it might help some others too, if that’s OK with you of course.

Love from Montana!
– Tara B.

Pastor Anyabwile is continuing his study on marriage and family and we are all the blessed recipients of his work of humility, scholarship, faith, and love. Don’t miss this latest post:

What a Husband Must Be

In it, he lists five things that drive women to marry men who are not prepared to lead in marriage. (Oh oh oh! But I’ve heard all five of these reasons a lot too.)

He also lists five things that a husband must be. Consider number 4:

4. Must lead in selflessness. “...nourishes and cherishes....” The husband should be the first one in the family to go without, sacrifice, or lay it down for the family. “If he’s not, then he’s shortsighted. He doesn’t realize what you’re building for the future.”

Mmmmmmm. Good stuff here! Hope it’s a blessing to you too.

Yours,
Tara B.

Oh oh oh! Please don’t miss this amazing post by Pastor Anyabwile:

Husbandry and Parenting

In it, he ties back to some CJ Mahanney sermons that are definitely going onto my MP3 player.

Pastor Anyabwile also makes a series of humble (and insightful!) reflections on the sermons and I strongly encourage you to read them all (and consider discussing them with your spouse too). Let me tempt you with just a snippet:

"Ephesians 5 was the main text. There C.J. defined a husband’s love for his wife primarily as sacrifice. Sacrifice is the pattern of the husband’s love and the proof of the husband’s love. The sermon also drew on 1 John 3, pointing to the Savior’s sacrifice at Calvary as the model of sacrificial love. From there, C.J. offered this main application question:

"What am I doing each day to serve my wife that involves sacrifice, that costs me something?"

Personally, I was ashamed that for years my wife has nearly daily asked me, “How may I serve you today?” And I know that what she has in mind is helping me in a way that is only appropriate for a wife to help her husband.

In what manner uniquely suited to her calling as my wife, my helpmeet, can she give herself in service to me, the family, and the calling the Lord has placed on our lives? And yet, until I heard this question from C.J., I don’t think there has been one day where I’ve put the same question to her in terms of “sacrifice”? I’ve asked how I could help, etc., but I realized something of the greater depths of my selfishness once sacrifice as a daily inquiry was proposed.

And not to project my guilt and shame onto others, but it’s all the more shameful in my case because I think that I observe selfishness as the primary male sin in marriage. A significant number of irritations, problems, fights, and despairing moments for wives are traced to their husband’s selfishness. I see it all the time in conversations and counseling settings. And I see it more clearly in my own heart following this message.

Three things are suggested for creating an environment conducive for our wives' growth in godliness ..."

Oooooh! Doesn’t that make you want to read more? I hope you will!

I’m ensconced in my friend’s empty home today working on my series of books for preschoolers (and their mothers!) re: relationships/peacemaking. Thanks for any prayers you care to offer up on my behalf as I labor. Honestly? I’m assuming that–like the 500,000 OTHER book proposals submitted by Christian authors every year that are summarily REJECTED–this one won’t actually go anywhere. But it’s been burdening my heart and mind for THREE YEARS NOW–so I figure it’s easier to submit to God, do my best, write the books and the proposal, and then–once it’s rejected–I can have a clear heart and move on to the next thing.

Hope your Wednesday is going well!

Sending my love,
Tara B.

PS
OH! I just have to tell you one more quote from Pastor Anyabwile’s post. It’s just too good to not to share:

"Here C.J. meditates on the “cherishing” and “nourish” aspects of Ephesians 5. A beautiful line: "Our wives should daily live with the sounds of their husband pronouncing encouragements over them."

Ummmmmmmmmmmmmm! Preach it, Pastors Mahaney and Anyabwile!

Now I need to listen to the sermon for WIVES because I’m SURE I have much to learn therein.

It’s late and I’m “so tired I can’t even spell tired” (to quote a very old Baby Blues comic–a comic that Fred and I used to ADORE before we had Sophia Grace and could enjoy the show live).

But I just wanted to do a super-quick post because we just got home from a wedding and reception and I’ve been reminded (again!) of a God’s great grace and I wanted to capture my thoughts before my feeble and fickle heart forgets them in the “tyranny of the urgent”:

1. I don’t deserve Fred. It’s true. I can’t sit through a Christian wedding ceremony without being reminded over and over again what a supernatural GRACE it is that God gave me such a godly and loving husband–rather than the selfish cads I could’ve married in my twenties. GRACE GRACE GRACE. Second only to salvation! The gift of Fred is one of the greatest evidences of grace in my life.

2. The Christian walk is covenantal. It’s corporate. It’s a pilgrimage with other pilgrims who have been adopted into God’s family by His saving grace. And this is a good thing! Even for two introverts like Fred and me–who usually avoid wedding receptions because we’d rather just get HOME to our quiet aloneness as a family. Tonight, because Fred led worship in the ceremony and because the mother-of-the-bride specifically mentioned how much she was looking forward to seeing Sophia dancing at the wedding–we went. We dined and toasted and danced and danced. And it was a good thing to do. Another grace.

3. I do not respect Fred as I ought to. I mentioned this to Fred as he was opening my door for me after the ceremony en route to the reception and he said that I do respect him. But I just can’t hear that Ephesians 5 passage and listen to vows that were so similar to our own and not cringe when I think of the tone of voice I used with Fred only minutes before the ceremony began. OH! I am desperately in need of God’s mercy and grace. Fred said he is too–that he fails every day to love me as Christ loved the Church. But that’s why we need Christ! He succeeds when we fail. He fulfills every jot and tittle of the Law. And He is our Hope and Confidence and Assurance.

4. Weddings–like baptisms–are wonderful, precious reminders. Listening to the Word. Seeing two people so desperately and crazily in love. Hearing the vows. Praying the prayers. Remembering God’s sovereignty and goodness. Refreshing your gratitude to God and your spouse. Weddings are good reminders.

OK. We need to get some shuteye now.

Hope your Monday went well!

Yours happily and gratefully,
Tara B.

PS
Another sweet reminder from tonight? It’s great fun to watch your husband dance with your daughter–and it’s great fun to dance with them too.

Oh, Carolyn McCulley! You are such a great blogger and you totally crack me up. (Lilikoi and I will be listening for your “You never know when you are going to wake up and find yourself dead!” quote on our morning walk with Pilgrim radio!)

I just had to link over to your post on why our husbands don’t talk to us:

Speaking His Language

(Who me? Over-react when speaking with Fred? Ouch!)

Thanks for serving us, Carolyn, and for encouraging us in Radical Womanhood!

Happy Monday everyone–

Yours,
Tara B.

Don’t miss this sermon by Pastor Dave Harvey!

God’s Mercy and My Marriage

I listened to it this morning walking Lili and couldn’t wait to get home to save the link (so I could go through it again and be able to take notes) and share it with you, Fred, and Pastor Jason.

I can’t remember 1/100th of the sermon just from my walk (I really have to write everything down/process it before I remember anything!) ... but these were some of the particular keeper/take-a-ways:

- Marriage is ministry.
- If you only overlook in marriage, you are condemning your spouse to immaturity.
- We are called to crucify our “inner attorney” (ouch!).

Hooray for Friday!
And hooray for preachers who humbly and faithfully exegete Scripture for our benefit!

Off to the zoo–
Tara B.

This morning, Sophie asked me a question and it reminded me of something really stupid and sinful that I did last week. I answered her and that was that, but Fred could tell that I was troubled.

"Why are you cringing?" Fred asked.

“Because it was my stupidity and sin that even caused that!”

"Yes, but you are forgiven, Tara. Forgiven. No guilt in life! No fear in death." Fred responded.

He’s right theologically (of course).
And I now have “In Christ Alone” ringing in my ears (as I would imagine many of you do too).

But the thought that I can’t shake–and I’d imagine I am going to be thinking about, praying over, and probably doing a little Bible study and memory work over–is this:

I do believe that I am forgiven by God. If I were to die today, I would not suffer the punishment due for my sin because God poured out his wrath on Christ for me.

But I struggle in life to not have guilt over my sin!

I think this is one of the main reasons why I felt so much distance with Fred in the last few months. I trust that my past sins are forgiven–by God and Fred–but it is hard to trust in grace as I struggle with current/ongoing/besetting sins.

It’s not hard for me to understand why this is a struggle ... because what does grace even look like as someone is struggling with ongoing sin? In one moment, it might be to overlook. In another, to confront. We might be called to be forceful or gentle. We may be persevering and keeping things “as private as possible as long as possible.” But it might be time to get help.

And when you are on the receiving end of someone trying to walk in grace with you even as you continue to struggle with sin? Well, it can be very easy to feel betrayed, condemned, or unloved (even if the person is trying to do the exact opposite!).

So what biblical truth speaks into this struggle with besetting sin? Let’s learn again from Pastor John Piper.

This quote is just a small excerpt taken from his sermon, Who is This Divided Man? (Part 6), and I encourage you to read or listen to it in its entirety. But in the interim, enjoy this reminder of how the gospel is making you into the person you already are:

"Already (Decisively and Irrevocably Free) and Not Yet(Finally and Perfectly Free)

Two things should be deeply rooted in your mind as a Christian:

One is that when you believed in Christ, you were united to him and experienced a decisive deliverance from the dominion of sin. Paul says it again and again in Romans 6. Verse 6: “Our old self was crucified with Him, in order that our body of sin might be done away with, so that we would no longer be slaves to sin.” Verse 14: “Sin shall not be master over you, for you are not under law but under grace.” ... When you trusted Christ as your treasure there was a decisive and irrevocable event of deliverance.

The other thing that should be deeply rooted in your mind is that, even though a decisive deliverance from the dominion of sin has happened, a final and perfect deliverance from the effects of indwelling sin has not yet happened. That is what we have spent five messages unfolding in Romans 7:14-25. “Indwelling sin,” "flesh" “evil” are present with us still and threaten to take us captive at any moment.

So the question is: How are we to live in view of this double truth about ourselves? The answer comes from watching the amazing way that Paul speaks to us about our deliverance and our newness in Christ. What he does again and again is to say: This new man is who you decisively and irrevocably are in Christ. This free man is your deepest and truest identity. Now act on it. Look to Christ, trust his help, and by his Spirit become what you are.

If your besetting sin is anger, affirm that in Christ you have died to that identity and in Christ you have his patience and kindness. Look to him and trust in him and rejoice in him. And fight against anger as one who has the victory in him ...

Become What You Are
Let’s close by looking at how Paul says this, so that you can see it is really there in the Word of God. The way he does it is with a strong statement of fact that Christians are new, accompanied by an equally strong command that we become new. Here are some of the examples in the New Testament.

1. Statement of newness: Romans 6:14, “Sin shall not be master over you, for you are not under law but under grace.” Command to become new: Romans 6:12, “Do not let sin reign in your mortal body.”

2. Statement of newness: Romans 6:18, “Having been freed from sin, you became slaves of righteousness.” Command to become new: Romans 6:19, “Present your members as slaves to righteousness.”

3. Statement of newness: Romans 6:6, “Our old self was crucified with Him.” Command to become new: Romans 6:11, “Consider yourselves to be dead to sin.”

4. Statement of newness: Colossians 3:9, “You laid aside the old self with its evilpractices.” Command to become new: Ephesians 4:22 “Lay aside the old self, which is being corrupted in accordance with the lusts of deceit.”

... When Paul says in Romans 7:25b, “I myself with my mind am serving the law of God,” he means, By the transforming power of the Spirit I set my mind on the treasure of Jesus Christ and all that God is for me in him (2 Corinthians 5:19; 1 Corinthians 1:30; Colossians 2:3, 9); and all that I am in him (2 Corinthians 5:17) and all I will become through him (Philippians 1:11). And I believe him and trust in his help and power. And I act on that faith. And if I stumble, I do not yield to the temptation to deny Christ or my true life in him. I repent and I revel in his forgiveness and I fight on."

Reveling in forgiveness and fighting on–

Yours,
Tara B.

As Fred and I have continued to work through this (very!) difficult season in our friendship and marriage, we’ve spent a couple of (very!) hard conversations with our own virtual Pastor Jason.

Literally–we pretended that he was sitting right next to us and every time that the conversation got too difficult, it seemed impossible to make further progress, or we were just tempted to give up entirely, we’d say, “OK. Now Pastor Jason would say thus & such.” Or, “If Pastor Jason were here, he would ask you to describe a specific example of what that looked like.” etc. etc.

It might be hard to believe, but it did help. A little. But there’s nothing like the real thing!

And even with his house FLOOD this month (poor family!), his DMin courses at Westminster, his counseling load, and all of his other (intense!) duties, this past Thursday Fred wisely scheduled time for us to go and meet with the real thing. I’m so very glad he did.

There is just something profoundly important about the Body of Christ ministering to one another in person with compassion, wisdom, insight, confrontation, encouragement, exhortation, love.

Knowledge is important! But Fred and I didn’t need information–we needed a reminder of the Truth. And God provided that reminder for us in the form of our friend and shepherd overseer, Pastor Jason.

- He reminded us that God is with us. That we have resources beyond our own paltry, exhausted, feeling-hopeless abilities.

- He listened to our (oft' petty and self-centered) hurts and complaints without criticism and judgment. He listened to our sins without criticism and judgment. Rather, he acknowledged our suffering, acknowledged the wickedness of sins, and reminded us to remember our Savior Who died to save us from them all.

- Fred has been feeling like he can’t do enough as my husband. I have been feeling judged and rejected as his wife. Neither is true–but oh feelings can be SO strong! And when we responded to these feelings once, then twice ... then again and again ... before you know it, we had dug ourselves into faithless and graceless ruts in our relationship. Sure, we co-existed and we co-parented just fine. We’re actually a good little team that way. But the Great Wall of China was growing between us and we were sinking down further and further. (Not to overstate it, but it really has been a dark time for us.)

So there we sat with Pastor Jason as he said the words to us that Jason and I have said a hundred times to other couples in marriage mediations.

Was everything fixed? Of course not.
Did we leave with a more Godward focus? Yes!
Is there even a glimmer of hope for us? Way more than a glimmer, even for ol' melancholy me.

Why, oh why?! Because our friend loved God and loved us and reminded us that we are loved by God–and God will help us to love one another too.

"If then you have been raised with Christ, seek the things that are above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God. Set your minds on things that are above, not on things that are on earth. For you have died, and your life is hidden with Christ in God. When Christ who is your life appears, then you also will appear with him in glory." Colossians 3:1-4 (ESV)

Amen and amen!

And thanks, Fred, for not giving up on us!
And thanks, Pastor Jason, for loving your sheep well.

Gratefully,
Tara B.

Fred and I continue to make little steps of progress in working through this difficult season in our marriage. Yet again, I really appreciate how he has persevered when I have felt tired and pretty “dead” inside and didn’t really want to keep working on things. (I think I switch into a “survival” mentality when there is just so much to do.)

But yesterday’s baby steps of progress came after a pretty rip-roaring fight.

Church was great, but there was a long lunch afterwards and then an even longer missionary presentation–and while I would’ve loved to go to both, asking four year-old Sophia to sit still for three hours (9AM Sunday School and then an almost two-hour church service) and THEN sit with good manners for a lunch and presentation that went until after 3PM seemed a little extreme. So she and I came immediately home after church.

When Fred finally got home mid-afternoon, he (appropriately) wanted to relax for a few minutes. Check in with the Cubs. Read the paper. Very understandable, of course.

But here’s the thing ... we were already in the middle of talking about all of this marriage / hard stuff / what’s going on in our hearts / what does the gospel have to do with it / how can we both stop being so defensive and proud / etc. etc. etc., so when he came home and just relaxed without even acknowledging the 500 lb elephant in the room, it REALLY made it hard for me to trust him.

So after, you know, a LOOOOOONG conversation (really? FIGHT), we figured that out (along with a bunch of other stuff of course) and came to these conclusions:

1. It is completely understandable that there are certain times when someone is just not going to be ready to talk about hard/deep/painful stuff. (For Fred yesterday, it was right after getting home from six hours at church. For me, often, it’s late at night. By the dinner-put-the-kid-to-bed time of the day, I’m usually FRIED.)

2. However, acknowledging reality really helps to build trust. ("Honey, I know that there is something really important that we need to talk about / are right in the middle of talking about. But I am asking for your forbearance because I am FRIED. Would it be OK with you if we put that conversation off until [SPECIFIC TIME THAT WORKS WELL FOR BOTH OF YOU]? I would really appreciate it.")

I don’t know if these insights will help any of you who might be currently in the middle of an extended difficult season in a relationship, but just in case, I wanted to share them with you.

Ahhhhhh–relationships. It’s all peacemaking fun and rosy red flowers, eh?
Nope. It’s real life in a real world. But there IS grace for the day.

Hope your Monday is off to a good start! We stayed up too late watching family movies last night (hence the Choza movie I posted at like midnight)–so we’re a little slow on the start this morning, but it was worth it.

Much love,
Tara B.

Well ... for the next ten days, my dear Steady Freddy officially robs the cradle and enjoys being married to a “younger woman.”

Happy 38th Birthday, Fred!
You make me deliriously happy.

Your devoted wifey,
Tara

Fred did a great job of not giving up on me yesterday.

I was grouchy and hormonal. I felt tired, scared, and overwhelmed.

Pretty much the last thing I wanted to do was work hard to reconnect with my beloved husband, Fred. But he pursued me and didn’t give up.

We had a quiet family day. We ran errands together–donated blood, got haircuts, recycled cardboard. We cuddled at home, read books, played with the dog.

And then at the end of the day, when Sophia was happily sleeping in between us, we talked.

Good job, Fred. I don’t deserve you. I am grateful for you!

Your devoted wifey,
Tara B.

Pastor Jason did a fantastic job talking about S*X this morning in his Grace-Based Marriage Class.

(Did you know that some SPAM-BOTS troll for words like s*x on the internet so–who knows if this actually works?–I’ve been told to use an asterisk on certain words to try to avoid SPAM comments.)

ANYWAY ... I really encourage you to visit our church’s website in the next few days and once it’s posted, give a listen. It was a clear call to honor God and enjoy His good gift of the marital bed. Plus, he gave some good advice for when this area of life is not working “the way it’s supposed to,” when we get caught in s*xual sin, etc.

He asked me to share something at the end of class and I talked about the role of SHAME in all of this. How men can be ashamed if their bodies are not “rock hard” and if they are not the “ideal” lovers that they want to be. How women can be ashamed if their bodies do not conform to the societal ideal of perfectly smooth, airbrushed, eleven-year old boy’s bodies (too thin to even menstruate!) with bizarre, cosmetically-enhanced breasts.

I talked about what an opportunity we have to emphasize certain aspects of the gospel–especially by DELIGHTING IN and SEEKING OUT one another and NEVER REJECTING each other. I shared how Fred never rejected me even when I gained my 100 lbs and was SO ashamed! He never made me feel anything other than desirable, desired, and loved.

Oh, and I told them what I had heard a speaker say one day:

"The closer I get to age 40, the more confident I am that MOST husbands DON’T long for that “societal ideal” ... they just want their wives NAKED and SMILING."

'Course there are exceptions–especially if one or both have been affected by sexual abuse, sexual sin, and/or pornography (especially if it’s still happening!).

But many of us, I think, are in relatively happy marriages with spouses we love and who love us. We are DOING LIFE together. Our memories are not our own. We are companions and parents and lovers and friends. And being intimate physically is important and precious–but it’s not often the “Richter scale 10.0” of movies. It is, instead, an opportunity for us to come together and enjoy a pleasure that ONLY happens with this ONE other person. In all the world! Millions and millions and MILLIONS of people! But this ONE thing is only for the two of us.

A gift of grace. Imperfect. VERY awkward to talk (or blog!) about. But important in Christian marriage.

And that’s why I’m so grateful for Pastor Jason’s courage and love to help us all! Brave Pastor Jason. What a guy.

Hope your Mother’s Day is going well! We watched “The Great Debaters” and now we’re off for a bike ride.

With much love,
Tara B.

So if you’d like to read Fred’s take on our big fight this week, cruise on over to the Peacemaker blog:

Peacemaking 201

(He’s a good writer, isn’t he? Cute too. And forgiving. What a nice combination!)

Happily ensconced in Delaware after an uneventful day of travel–

Yours,
Tara B.

A GREAT READ over at New Attitude:

The Gospel and Relationships (for Guys)

Let me tempt you with just the tease:

"Sacrificial service in a relationship is not just a product of being a ‘nice guy’. It’s not motivated by sentimental chivalry. It’s tied to the very fabric of our faith – Christ’s death for us.

(This article intended specifically for single guys but helpful to all.)"

Tonight will be the first time that I carry a new book on my women’s retreat resource table:

When Sinners Say “I Do”–Discovering the Power of the Gospel for Marriage

This topic is always heavy on my heart at every event I do because whenever I teach on peacemaking, I have the privilege of interacting with women who are struggling in their marriages.

I am also thinking and praying and talking about this topic a lot because I am trying to serve and encourage my pastor, Jason Barrie, as he prepares and delivers his current Sunday School Series:

Grace-Based Marriage

In his studies for this class, Pastor Jason has read pretty much every book on the topics related to Christian marriage (growing a stronger marriage / learning to love/respect your spouse / how to build a divorce-proof marriage / being a good wife / being a good husband / etc. etc. etc. ETC.)

Some of these books have sold MILLIONS AND MILLIONS of copies. One, in particular, had us just CRINGING as he showed me how there were 22 chapters about how the wife should do THIS (with Scripture citation after Scripture citations) and how the husband should do THAT (with Bible verse after Bible verse); 22 chapters of really good IDEAS ... helpful things that will, you know, probably make a nice difference in their relationship (better communication, romantic ideas for keeping eros alive, wise recommendations regarding parenting/money/whatever).

BUT ...

The book closes with good ol' chapter 23. Probably the shortest chapter in the book. Mentioned at the end of the book as some sort of concluding thought:

And oh yeah ... WHY do we DO all this stuff? Right. There IS a God and He is the REASON why we DO all this stuff. The end.

If I hadn’t been gasping in air, I might’ve cried out loud.

All of the good ideas in the WORLD will never help my friend who is SUFFERING in her marriage to a rage-filled, selfish, emotionally distant, treats everyone in the world better than her, looks so good on the outside but is a consistent HORRIBLE JERK of a husband to her! You can tell her a ZILLION times “he needs your respect and care”; you need to honor and enjoy him. But it’s like asking a blind man to just wake up one morning and CHOOSE to SEE! It’s never going to happen. She doesn’t have it in her! She could no more love that man than she could jump to the moon.

And what about the husband? A Christian man can be REALLY committed to marriage and he can try and try and TRY to love his wife ... but if she habitually and repeatedly, publicly and privately disdains, shames, and rejects him; if everyone else in the entire WORLD is more pleasant for him to be around; if his hobbies (or even MINISTRY GOALS) are pleasant, fun, encouraging, affirming to him ... he is NEVER going to be able to “dig deep” and “find it within himself” to just CHOOSE to love his wife.

Like all of us, his selfish heart will choose to love HIMSELF. He will avoid the things that are uncomfortable for him (like interacting with his wife) and be drawn over and over again to the things that are affirming and pleasant for him (like watching sports, playing with his grandchildren, or serving at the church).

Of course he will!
Why wouldn’t he?

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh .... there it is. The $64,000 question (showing my age there aren’t, I?).

Why would anyone EVER choose to suffer? To lay down their life, pick up their cross, and love unloveable, unlovely, even HORRIBLE people?

There can be only one explanation: God.

But you see ... slapping this idea of “oh, yeah, there’s a God and we DO all this stuff for HIM” into the last chapter of our book means that we’ve missed it ALL.

Again, “The Gospel” is something “Out There” for non-Christians to hear and respond to and “Get Saved.” But then???? Here are a bunch of rules and good ideas and helpful tips for living a “good life”. Welcome to Christianity.

NO!
NO!!
NO!!!

The very Son of God, eternal before all ages, became incarnate so that He could live the life we can never live; suffer the suffering we deserve; die in our place; and be raised again to life FOR THE HOPE AND ASSURANCE OF OUR SALVATION.

As we begin to catch even the teeniest-tiniest GLIMMER of how wretched the blackness of our sin is? If we could glimpse even one millionth of an IOTA of the pure radiance of the glory of God? By grace ... if we could, in that moment that God is calling us to interact with that person who has HURT US FOR YEARS AND YEARS ... if we could remember even just ONE TRUE THING about how great God is and how lost we are apart from Him and how, really, we are just like the person standing before us (as she maligns, criticizes, is passively aggressive, judgmental, critical, MEAN. Again.).

And if there is ANYTHING good in us, it is merely CHRIST in us.

Oh, and by the way, all of this suffering WILL be over one day. One soon day, actually. Even if we live 80, 90, 110 years ... it’s a BLINK. Then it’s over. And we never again have the opportunity to show forbearance and grace toward another sinner, because sin will be gone. Forever.

In Heaven, we will never again have the opportunity to do good to someone who does evil to us–because evil will be done. Forever.

In Heaven, our opportunity to share in the sufferings of our Brother, Jesus, will come to a final, complete, CLOSE.

So, in this life? May we remember–how great is our God!
This life is not our own!
Yay, though He slay me–I will trust in Him.
If this relationship is my slaying, then please, God ... help me to suffer well. Love well. GET HELP from others within the Church. (The “abundant resources”, the “present means of grace”.)

(Of course I’m completely convicted even as I type this–not so much about my marriage, but just about a really, really difficult relationship in my life that I continue to struggle with.)

May God have mercy on us all! And help us.
(He does! He does!)

Happy Friday to you!
I’m going offline for a couple of days to serve at this retreat.

Sending you love,
Tara B.

Well ... thank the good Lord, I was able to drag my 101 degreed-body to church this morning and serve Pastor Jason in his Grace-Based Marriage Sunday School Class.

During the class, I role-played a very hurt, angry, bitter wife who was suffering greatly in marriage.

I was really a conglomeration of all of the women that Pastor Jason and I have ever served as Christian conciliators in marriage mediation cases. It wasn’t hard to relate to their suffering and anger! But I think that my intensity may have some people in my church scared for POOR FRED.

Ahhhhh ... how did I respond to the “we need to pray for FRED” comments that were made after I role-played an angry woman? I said, “It’s far worse than you could ever imagine.”

Of course, blessedly, Fred and I actually have a very happy, intimate marriage. But though we may not struggle in THAT area, our hearts are blacker than the blackest heart and we are truly desperate for grace.

So I’m trying not to take the “we need to pray for FRED” comments too personally. More of an affirmation that I should be on the stage or something, right?

(Yeah, right.)

ANYWAY ... the REAL reason I’m writing this is to tell you that this ENTIRE CLASS on GRACE-BASED MARRIAGE is being put up on our church’s website! I TRULY urge you to click on through and encourage others (especially people preparing for marriage, or wanting to grow a more intimate, God-centered marriage, or suffering in a horrible marriage) to click through too.

Rocky Mountain Community Church

Then just scroll down to the GRACE BASED MARRIAGE SUNDAY SCHOOL links on the right-hand side of the page.

Hope you are enjoying a wonderful Sabbath! I’m going back to bed.

Love ya,
Tara B.

My pastor, Jason Barrie, is teaching an AMAZING class on Christian marriage. Everyone is invited (single, married, divorced, widowed) and the principles are applicable to all relationships–but the focus is on marriage.

I wish I could transcribe the entire class for you! It’s that good. But let me give you just a few nuggets from this past Sunday:

- Relationships often come at a cost because we bump up against one another.

- So often the “fixes” for marriage are appealing because they focus on something outside of ourselves and they give us the affirmation that “we’re OK” and it’s the OTHER PERSON who needs to change/adjust TO US. Or sometimes we like the “solutions” because they promise a quick fix ("the silver bullet"): “Ten Steps to Having a Happy Marriage,” "30 Days to Being a Godly Husband," “Read this two page article in a women’s magazine and YOU can have a happy marriage.”

- Is there wisdom in understanding gender differences, personalities, temperaments, “love languages”? Sure! They help us to love and serve well. BUT they can also become tools for manipulation. We begin to say, “OK, dear. I’ll learn what you like and scratch your back and you learn what I like and scratch my back. And as long as we’re meeting each other’s ”needs," great!" But that only lasts for a couple of days MAX because everything we do begins to have a PRICE TAG to it. What happens when we let one another down? How do we respond when we don’t get what we want?

- You can count on me failing you! And I can count on you failing me! And so often, when we fail, there is NO MERCY. We say things like, “You’ll never change.” "You’ll always let me down." “You’re not capable of loving.” "You’ve made your bed, now lie in it! This is YOUR fault!"

- You cannot love someone and use them at the same time.

- The foundation for a miserable marriage is PERFORMANCE. The foundation of a God-glorifyingly happy ("blessed") marriage is GRACE. Grace gives us a new MOTIVE in our relationships and a new METHOD in our relationships. We begin to treat one another God in Christ treats us.

- We have abundant resources to help us when we are suffering in a miserable marriage; and we have abundant resources to help us in our happy marriages. God is alive and active and in Christ, there are present means of grace for us this very day!

Amen, Pastor Jason!
Preach it!

(Oh–and if you’d like to hear Pastor Jason actually teaching on biblical hope for miserable Christian marriages, we have a CD from a workshop we co-taught at last fall’s Peacemaker Conference available on the resources page of my website. Not trying to sell you anything! But if it’s helpful to you. )

Hope you have a great Tuesday!

With love,
Tara B.

PS
Soph’s fever is down a smidgen. She slept from 4:30PM until 8:30AM, poor love! But she’s keeping water down and even a few crackers now. AND (thankfully!) there is no evidence of chicken pox on her tiny little fevered body. (Chicken pox is apparently moving through the kids in our church–even the kids who have been vaccinated! I didn’t even know that was possible.)

Thanks for the prayers and encouraging notes (especially Rose & Sarah Joy)! I appreciate very much you taking the time to pray for and encourage me.

Much love! – t

Pastor Alfred preached another great sermon on Christian marriage last Sunday and his notes included some “discussion starter” questions.

I encourage you to consider setting aside some time to work through these with your spouse! And maybe encourage your small group or Sunday school class to do the same.

(Our church is going to do a three month long Sunday school class on Christian marriage and I know Pastor Jason wants to make it very interactive and REALLY helpful for the long-haul so he is including mediation / counseling / coaching components too.)

I think Fred and I will be processing these ...

God bless and Happy Wednesday!

Yours,
Tara B.

What is Christian Marriage?
Pastor Alfred Poirier (Rocky Mountain Community Church (PCA), Billings, Montana)

Definition of Marriage: Marriage is a God-ordained covenant of companionship, common life and conjugal love, between a man and a woman under the care, guidance and discipline of Christ’s church for the ultimate purpose of reflecting and restoring by word and deed the glory of Christ’s Lordship over all of life with its proximate end to that of raising godly (gospel) children all through the gospel of God’s sovereign grace and in the power of his indwelling Spirit.

Marriage is a God-ordained covenant of companionship, common life and conjugal love, between a man and a woman, Eph 5.31; Gen 2.18, 23-25; Heb 13.4; Mal 2.15-16; 1 Cor 7.3-5.

1. Give thanks to God for your spouse. “I thank God for you because . . .” Eph 1.16; 5.18-20

2. Complete the following: “Because of you, I am growing in likeness to Christ in the following ways . . .” Eph 5.1; 4.1-3; Col 3.12-17

3. What things would improve our companionship, common life and conjugal love? How could we spend time to enhance our understanding and appreciation for one another? What RBA’s – (relationship-building activities) would be good to engage in? Set a date. Eph 5.15-20; 22-33

4. What things hinder God’s goal for us to have “companionship, common life and conjugal love”? Eph 5.28-31; 4.17-31

5. How are we honoring the marriage bed and thereby upholding the sanctity of sex in marriage and counteract the sexual immorality of our culture? Eph 5.2-7; 5.31; Heb 13.4; 1 Cor 7.3-5; Prov 5.15-20

Under the care, guidance, and discipline of Christ’s church, Eph 1.1, 22; 2.11-22; 3.14-21; 4.11-16; Eph 5.22-33.

1. What does God say about his church? Eph 1.1, 22; 2.19-22; 3.10-12, 20-22; 4.11-16; 5.22-27
What gifts has the Lord given to us through his church? Eph 4.1-16

2. Discuss your relationship to your local church? Eph 4.11-13, 15-16
• Consumers (Phil 3.18-19)
• Part of the family (Eph 2.19-22)
• Builders of the Body of Christ (Eph 4.15-16)
• A People we can go to for counsel and support in tough times (Eph 4.2)
• Other . . .

3. How does or can our marriage promote Christ’s cause through his local church? How can we use our home as a basis for ministry? Acts 16.15; 18.24-26; Rom 16.3

4. In what ways do we see ourselves as “under the care, guidance, and discipline of Christ’s church?” In what ways not? How willing are we to take our marriage problems for counsel with our elders/pastors? Heb 13.17; Prov 15.22

5. Do we appeal to pastoral staff, elders, leaders, and deacons for help when we are having difficulties in our marriage? Matt 18.15ff; Heb 13.17

For the ultimate purpose of reflecting and restoring by word and deed the glory of Christ’s Lordship over all areas of life, Eph 3.10-13; Eph 4.17-6.9; Priscilla and Aquila, Acts 18.27; Rom 16.3-4; Gen 1.28; Matt 28.18-20.

1. What factors in our marriage blind us to the glorious purposes of God for our marriage? Eph 5.29-32

2. Discuss Past & Future: 1] “I married you because . . .” 2] “My original expectations for our marriage was...” “My desire for us as a couple (and believing God is calling us to) is . . .”

3. How is Christ’s Lordship becoming more evident (less evident) in our marriage?
• Speaking the truth in love vs. silence, superficial conversations, Eph 4.16, 25, 29
• The way we respond to conflict vs. fighting, Eph 4.26-27, 31-32; Jas 4.1-10
• The way we steward our finances, vs. stealing, Eph 4.28; Mal 3.8-13
• Wise use of our time for Christ’s kingdom, vs. my castle, not Christ’s, Eph 5.15-21
• Mutual support for each other’s tasks, work vs. self-centeredness, Eph 5.21–6.9
• The use of our time, Eph 5.15-21

4. What do I say that builds you up? Tears you down? In what ways could we improve our
conversation with each other to make them wise, apt and healing? Speaking and listening in order to respond wisely, Eph 4.29; Jas 1.19; Prov 18.13; Eph 4.16,25,29; Prov 12.18

5. What do you think I do that is displeasing to our Lord and upsetting to you? Eph 5.6-10

6. Jesus says that pagans, in their anxiety, seek first their needs, but we are to first seek God’s kingdom and his righteousness. In what ways do fear, anxiety, and worries hinder our service and love towards one another and our brothers and sisters in Christ in the church? Matt 6.25-34

With its proximate end to that of raising godly (gospel) children, Eph 6.1-4; Gen 1.28; 18.19; Deut 6.4-8, 20- 24; 2 Cor 6.14-7.1.

1. Do our children know the gospel? Ephesians 1-3; Romans 1-8

2. Have we told our children about our own marriage, God’s design and purpose for marriage? Gen 2.18-25; Matt 19.1-12; Eph 5.22-33

3. Do our children know that they ought not be unequally yoked with unbelievers in choosing a spouse? 2 Cor. 6.14-7.1; Mal. 2.15

4. Do our children think and act as if they are the ultimate reason for our marriage, or that they too are called to seek first God’s kingdom, Christ’s reign? Eph. 6.1-3; What might we be doing to hinder that vision? What can we do to improve their view of the purpose of their place in our family and in God’s Greater Family? Eph. 2.19-22

5. How would our child answer the following: "My parent’s greatest dream / hope for me is . . .” Would their answer fit God’s purpose? Ephesians 1.4, 4.17-24; 5.1-2; 5.27; Prov. 1.7; 3.1-12

All through the gospel of God’s sovereign grace and the power of his indwelling Spirit, Eph 1.1—5.21

1. Pick a “grace” and share with each other what it means for you both to be:

Chosen by God, Eph 1.4
Adopted as sons, Eph 1.5
Redeemed, Eph 1.7
Forgiven/Justified, Eph 1.7
Sealed with the Spirit, Eph 1.13-14
Made alive with Christ, Eph 2.1-5
Saved by grace through faith, Eph 2.8-9
God’s workmanship, Eph 2.10

2. How are we growing in confessing specific sins and granting forgiveness to each other? What offense right now could you confess and I to you? Eph 4.31-32; Matt 18.22-33; Col 3.12-17

3. How can we improve our reading of God’s word together? How can we show that our marriage is not lived on bread alone but on every word that comes from God’s mouth? What decisions do we as a couple not take to the Lord? Matt 4.4; Eph 2.20

4. In what areas of our marriage, is Satan slinging his “flaming arrows” against us? What weapons/armor do we need? Eph 6.10-18

5. What three things can I pray about in order for you to be the husband / wife Christ means for you to be? Eph 6.18-20; Luke 11.1-11

Oh my STARS! Do you want to hear a GREAT sermon on Christian marriage? One that will make you cringe with self-realization, LAUGH OUT LOUD because the pastor is SO REAL and TRANSPARENT about his own struggles in marriage, and WORSHIP GOD because you will be reminded of how great and lavish is the grace of God in Jesus Christ?!?

Check out the sermon from our church service two days ago:

"The Heart of Christian Marriage" by Pastor Jason Barrie

Fred and I went in for counseling with Pastor Jason yesterday and ... well ... all I can say is thank God that we have such a shepherd. Younger than us. Yup. Struggles too? Of course. Our friend? He is our friend ... but he is also our Pastor. He takes his ordination vows seriously and his wife and children sacrifice so that they are participating in his ministry too.

I’m always amazed at how much he puts up with in me. How he perseveres with me. How many times he has wept and laughed and struggled with me—all while Fred is there, persevering and weeping and crying and laughing and struggling too.

Thanks, Pastor Jason! For everything.
(Oh–and great sermon. )

Love to all,
Tara B.

PS
Just to tempt you with some of his sermon points ...

- Many say that conflicts in marriage come from “unmet needs.” But God says that they come from UNCONTROLLED WANTS.

- Our desires deceive us and distort our perspective. (A great indicator of when our desires are distorting our perspective is when we are really defensive when someone tries to talk with us about something.)

- Our desires de-throne God. ("I’m always RIGHT when we play by MY rules." “You don’t perform up to my standards? YOU LOSE. I win. I get to kill you with my words and my attitude.”)

- The gospel changes us. God is calling us to repent. Be convicted, yes. But be comforted! God does not give up on us–He always gives us more grace. Flee to your gracious Savior!

We had a GREAT two days in the city. Truly. Will post more when I can.

I think I’m ready to name another one of Fred’s and my fights. (Do you guys remember what our “FIGHT 37” is???)

This is the one where, hypothetically, I know we need either a) a big box OR b) a new rollaboard suitcase to get all of our “Chicago adventures” / borrowed clothing from my sister treasures home ...

And I ask Fred (at the hotel this morning) to either get a) packing tape OR b) a new rollaboard suitcase (because I eat through them with my travel schedule anyway, might as well get one now) ...

I KNOW that we have TIME in the morning of fun to do one of those two things ... but we WON’T have time in the afternoon of “Momma has to get us unpacked from the hotel, REPACKED for the trip home on two airlines, etc. etc.”

And, of course, we end up running a BIT late with a FEW unexpected timing problems and a) NO packing tape AND b) NO new suitcase.

So here is one of the worst feelings in the world (and one that brings out a LOT of James 4 “not gentle speech!!”:

1. Having the RESPONSIBILITY for something; and
2. Having neither the AUTHORITY nor the POWER to make it happen.

Ugh. Blugh. Blech. Ick.

Oh well.
Things are packed–hope they make it home.

Fred’s on his flight and we’re leaving for ours in about 20 minutes.
I’m all confessed up (for my grouchy attitude and disrespectful tone of voice) AND all forgiven.

So away we go!

I’ll try to post some more pics when I can ...
Here’s to hoping for uneventful flights.

Happy, blessed Saturday!

Love ya bunches,
Tara B.

After waking up in a REALLY grouchy, grouchy state of mind (I’d blame it on PMS, but I know that the problem is actually my HEART and that special time of the month just BRINGS IT OUT OF ME more easily!!!) ...

I had two really sweet things happen to me:

1. When I started to get a little cross with Sophie while we were doing this incredibly complex, SPHERE-SHAPED, 240 piece, 3-D jigsaw puzzle that would be hard for, you know, COLLEGE GRADUATES (and Sophie is still not quite four years old) ... I quickly apologized to her for having a grouchy spirit and not being very friendly and she replied:

"I forgive you, Mom, In fact, I already OVERLOOKED YOU."

(Ahhhhh–it’s good to be “overlooked” like this, isn’t it? Proverbs 19:11 ... “A man’s wisdom gives him patience it is to his glory to overlook at offense.” Good job unilaterally forgiving Momma, Soph!)

2. I was looking up shipping information on a recent Amazon.com order and I saw that someone named, “L. Lazier” had left a REALLY encouraging review of our book, Peacemaking Women. If you read this, L. Lazier–please know how much I appreciate that you took the time to write such a sweet and edifying review! Truly. If anyone ever wants to encourage me AND if you think our book is fair-to-middlin' OK, please do take thirty seconds and write a review.

But OK. That leads up to our BIG OL' FIGHT this morning, eh?

Yes, yes ... I always encourage parents to go ahead and have (APPROPRIATE) “difficult conversations/fights” in front of their children because that’s how kids see that grownups have conflicts too and God is faithful to help us to work through them (just like kids). I also truly believe that the only way kids will grow up prepared to face their own conflicts in marriage one day is if they have a realistic (and REDEMPTIVE) view of the fact that, even their best friend / deeply in love / covenantally committedly married parents FIGHT.

So there we were ... hurt, misunderstood, defensive ... even raised voices (and beleive me, getting Fred to raise his voice is neither an EASY nor a FREQUENT thing). Soph was watching and listening to us and when there was a pause, she said:

"I don’t like how you are talking to Mommy, Daddy. And I don’t like how you are talking to Daddy, Mommy. I don’t like this." (So then she prayed ...) "Please, God, help Daddy and Mommy to use a more RESPECTFUL tone of voice. Amen."

And so we did.

Still more to be discussed, of course, but Fred & Kali & Sophie are taking in the Children’s Museum while I try to get some writing done this afternoon.

I’m grateful for forgiveness!
And praying that you are experiencing both sweetness and forgiveness today too.

God bless!
– Tara B.

Wisdom, wisdom, wisdom! Grace, grace, grace! Man–I love meeting with four other women once a week for friendship and prayer.

We just have to be INTENTIONAL if we’re going to have real relationships, don’t you think?

(Intimate–"real"–sharing just does NOT happen in a 30 second drive-by conversation before or after church or even a five minute one once a year at a church luncheon or function.)

Of course–I’m saying this four hours after I literally turned my alarm off with a HUFF (at 5:30AM) when I was awake and EXHAUSTED and I thought, “There is NO WAY I am going to group this morning. Forget THIS!” And I rolled over to go back to sleep–only to be awake at 6:10AM (the time my alarm was GOING to go off), convicted, and–yes! it’s a miracle!–obedient to get up and go.

(I felt the same way when it was time to go to small group last night. “Yeah-yeah-covenantal relationships and unity and love and one Body and one family and all that. Sounds GREAT until I actually have to pack up my family and leave the house and actually BE in relationships.” The truth is that I’d rather stay home. But then ... I’m always so blessed when we are faithful to go. SO blessed.)

Just as I am always amazed that I have the joy of getting to know these women!

Given the impending violin lesson and my true need for a shower after getting back from the gym ("Mommy! You’re ODIFEROUS!" Sophie gently shared.) ... I couldn’t possibly share all of the wonder of all they shared this morning. But one point has stuck with me and I even mentioned it to Fred (we BlueTooth/Verizon his ten minute drive to and from work each day), so I thought you guys might agree too.

Would you agree that sometimes–especially as WOMEN–we are so encouraged and blessed (and we feel LOVED) when we know that people–especially MEN–in our lives are at least THINKING of us? Concerned about us? Maybe trying to figure out how to help us–but not really sure what “the answer” or “the plan” is? But that we’re on their radar screen and they care?

But isn’t it also true that sometimes people–especially MEN–are reticent to engage with us if they’re UNSURE or UNCLEAR as to how BEST to do so?

Fred and I agreed together that it’s a good reminder to just keep COMMUNICATING and especially letting people know when we love them, but we just don’t know what to say or do. But we’re TRYING and we CARE.

Anyway–lots to think about. But also lots to do.

Hope your Wednesday goes well!

Sending you love,
Tara B.

I thought that some of you might be interested in seeing the outline that Pastor Jason and I prepared for our workshop last week on Mediating the Miserable Christian Marriage.

I think I’ll have the CD of our talk available one of these days, but in the interim, here you are!

God bless!
And may we all grow to reflect more and more of the gospel of grace in all of our relationships–

Yours,
Tara B.

Mediating the Miserable Christian Marriage
by Pastor Jason Barrie (www.RMCCMontana.org) and
Tara Klena Barthel (www.tarabarthel.com)

A CYCLE OF DESPAIR

- From the initial contact on, we listen carefully for the details of the “cycle of despair” in which this couple is caught (Galatians 6:1). The miserably married Christian couple is in a “rut” of deeply engrained bitterness, gracelessness, and uncharitable presumption. “The Great Wall of China” exists between this couple. It was built one brick—one offense—at a time and it is immense.

- We are called to first preach the gospel to each other (as co-conciliators) and then call the parties to remember the gospel. We get to model the very things we are calling them to (Colossians 3).

- Christian conciliation is merely one step of the process of bringing this dead marriage to life again. Lasting change happens within the ongoing fellowship and accountability of the local church.

ISSUES AND IDOLS

- Pay particular attention during storytelling to how each spouse describes the same situation (and responds to the other person’s interpretation). Note how each person describes the “real problem” in the marriage. (“If only …” “Satan.” “A generational bondage of anger …” “I’m being emotionally abused.”) As mediators, we help them to understand what the Bible says the problem is (the heart) and what the biblical solutions are (repentance and faith).

-For both of them—but especially for the wives—listen for the issue of shame. (From Peacemaking Women: “Shame is often experienced as a vague but overwhelming sense that no matter how hard we try, we will never be good enough … we feel as though no matter how much we may desire relationships with others, no one will ever really want us.”)

- Especially for the husbands, listen for struggles with how to be a Christian leader. Often by the time the case comes to us, one of the main complaints of the wife is that the husband does “not want to lead.” But listen to the husband, draw him out: how has she responded when he has tried? Then listen for how this refers back to the wife’s shame.

- A huge issue for the miserably married Christian couple will be exhaustion—even to the point of indifference. This couple is weary and tired of trying. They don’t like each other. They are happier apart from each other. Why would anyone call them to stay together and persevere in this marriage? We help them to remember Who God is and all of the present means of grace in Christ. We point them to an eternal perspective—that their marriage exists to testify to the veracity of the gospel and show the world Jesus (John 17, Ephesians 5).

- There must always be a balance between listening and teaching during story-telling. In order to move the process along, we must call the parties to Christ, teach them basic biblical doctrines (God, Man, sin, justification, sanctification), and make sure they understand foundational peacemaking principles (functional idolatry, how to confess, and what it means to forgive).

SCRIPTURES AND STRATEGIES TO ENCOURAGE,
CONFRONT, REBUKE, AND COMFORT

- The fundamental issue is, “What is causing this conflict?” The temptation is to point the finger outside of ourselves. This is why thirty years of “marriage counseling” and seminars don’t help—but a two-day mediation sometimes does. We teach them about functional idolatry (James 4) and help them to lay hold of Christ as they repent of their idols and apply the gospel to their hearts.

- Help them to understand the difference between justification and sanctification (Philippians 2:12-13, “…for it is God …”). Patterns do not change overnight, but in one step and then the next step. Sin is no longer our master (1 Corinthians 10:13). Explain The Cross Chart. Remind them of the difference between conviction and condemnation. Use The Triangle.

- Help them to create safety in their relationship. Obviously, we can’t address 30 years of hurts—but go “deep” into one or two and then practice “gracing one another” (ministering Christ to one another) in each situation (avoid “zingers,” be specific, focus on own heart, gospel/law distinction). Not for love and acceptance—but from the place of love and acceptance (2 Peter 1:2-11).

- Be ready with specific brief summaries of the gospel (Ephesians 1, Titus 3) and guide them in their confessions (specificity) and as they grant forgiveness. (“Anything else?” “Let’s talk about that some more.” “That’s wonderful. Great progress. But let’s go a little deeper. Tell me about …” “Say more …”)

IN CONCLUSION

- A few miscellaneous things to mention: 1) Benefits of a co-conciliation team; 2) Importance of note-taking; 3) Ideas for homework; 4) Abuse situations; 5)S*x.

- Jason is always calling the husbands to be the “Chief Confessors.” Help them to see that we mediators struggle in the same ways in our married lives.

- The goal is not a happy marriage. The goal is God’s glory. (But the wonderful gift of grace is that God’s glory and our happiness intersect!) We do not want to merely help them to feed each other’s idols.

One of the benefits of preparing to teaching my "Mediating the Miserable Christian Marriage" workshop at the upcoming Peacemaker Conference is that I “had to” review all of the notes I’ve ever taken during the marital mediations I’ve co-conciliated with my pastor, Jason Barrie.

Pastor Jason is a brilliant and godly man–and a great counselor/conciliator. I was SO edified to re-read the counsel he shared with our clients:

- “When we forgive one another, we grace one another.”

- “Turn with me to Colossians 3 and let’s all remember together how the gospel is not just the doorway to salvation, it is the very air we breathe.”

- When one of the parties asked us why they had made so much progress in only two days of mediation–after spending 30 years going to “marriage counseling” and “marriage conferences,” etc. Jason replied, "Many of those things can be great, but often, we miss the most important element. It’s like a nerf ball. You can squish it and try to hold it in—but it pops out again. God cares about our HEARTS.”

- “Relationships are established on mutual trust and accountability. We have to deal with it. It’s not magic. Christ forgives me so I forgive you. These are not magic words—but they proclaim the truth that God HAS dealt with it and He IS dealing with it and He WILL deal with it. Then we promise to not bring it up again; use it against you; dwell on it; talk to others; allow it to hinder our personal relationship. This is grounded in the way the God forgives us. This is the gospel.”

- “As husbands, we are called to be the Chief Confessors. We should be leading our wives by being the FIRST one to repent. The first one to confess. The first one to admit our sin. The first one to ask for forgiveness.”

Oh! AND ... he’s perfectly comfortable talking about the s*x stuff too. (Which is important in marriage mediations, believe you me!)

One downside of co-conciliating with Pastor Jason? Like me, he has absolutely NO sense of direction, so we get lost a lot if we have to drive to any location. (This is particularly ironic since Jason was a navigation officer/West Point graduate.) Hah hah.

Anyway–thank God for Pastor Jason and his beautiful, brilliant, godly wife, Kristin.

Happy Wednesday, all!

Yours,
Tara B.

Twelve years ago today, God brought Fred and I together in Christian marriage.

My “spiritual father,” Dr. Paul Jensen, spoke near our wedding–he was SO close! (He ended up missing the ceremony by just a few minutes so he gave his message during our reception.)

My “spiritual Grandpa,” Bernard Vogelaar (Grandma Doris’s husband of over 53 years–"So he knows a thing or two about love!" as he explained to Fred during our courtship), prayed over us to close the ceremony.

Looking at my father and step-mother, mother and step-father, and my “Christian parents” (whom I lived with for my last two years of high school), how did my own dad, Joe Klena, respond when the pastor asked, “Who gives this bride away?” "We all do!" of course.

I remember being nervous and feeling stupid about how I looked, how much I weighed or didn’t weigh; my hair, my lipstick, whatever. But I never ONCE remember being nervous about marrying Fred. Never. Not once. Not during our courtship, our engagement, and never not one day since. I have only, EVER, been grateful. (And QUITE mindful of how I could never deserve such a man.)

On my wedding day, I remember that as much as I LOVED being with our friends and family at the celebration, a huge part of me couldn’t WAIT to get out of there and just BE WITH FRED and start our lives together. But as we stopped at our little grad-school apartment on the way out of town, and saw the HUGE MESS that had been left by our guests, my darling husband (of all of three hours) KNEW that I would enjoy our honeymoon MUCH BETTER if I didn’t have THAT picture in my mind (seriously–dirty dishes, milk and food left OUT, wet towels on hardwood floors ... it was BAD), so there he was ... in his wedding suit and his own FATHER’S TIE (Fred wore a simple navy suit and wore the same tie that HIS DAD had worn in HIS wedding back in 1959), sleeves rolled up, DOING DISHES and straightening pillows so that his bride would head off on their honeymoon happy.

(Am I the strangest person you’ve ever met or WHAT? And do I have the kindest husband or what?)

Twelve years.
One-third of my entire life.
Mrs. Frederick Steinus Barthel.

This is a grace I could never deserve.
But I am SO grateful for–every single day.

Eight months prior to our wedding day, when Fred asked me to be his wife (and I responded:"Yes! Yes! Of course, yes!"), Fred told me that he wanted to make me deliriously happy in life.

Can you imagine?
Melancholy ol' Tara?
Deliriously happy?

Well, dear ... you have done it.
And even on our “worst” days (days when I am at my worst and you continue on in your steadfast kindness and mercy toward me) ... You, Fred Barthel, make me deliriously happy.

And I am so grateful to God for you!

Happy 12th Anniversary, darling!
You are truly the best husband in the entire world and I love you.

Yours forever,
Tara B.

(I know. I know. I’m such a softie. I really am.)

But I really think you might enjoy this too! (And HT to Barbara Curtis at mommylife.net for posting the story and link too.)

"Herman Rosenblat survived the Holocaust thanks in part to a young girl who tossed him apples and bread from outside the concentration camp. Twelve years later, destiny brought them together again. . ."

Read the whole story here and enjoy the video too!

God bless,
Tara B.

(From 2006)

What would I do if my husband were unrepentant?

I was looking for an old email this morning and I came across this letter that I had written in response to a dear, precious, godly, wise woman who was struggling in an unhappy Christian marriage.

Since I’ve already posted some blogs on “Miserable Christian Marriages”, I thought it might be helpful to share this letter with you. Hope so!

(Please note that OF COURSE, all identifying information has been changed to protect her confidentiality. I’ve also deleted some of the letter because it was not directly relevant to this topic and I’ve also taken the editorial liberty of adding some clarifying details.)

–

Dear Patricia,

Thank you for sharing your thoughts with me again. I am continually humbled that you would choose to express such important and heart-wrenching issues and feelings to me. And of course I am terribly saddened by the brokenness in your marriage and family. It grieves me to hear of your suffering! And I continue to wish that I could simply will it all away with a wave of my hands. Please know that I would do so in a heartbeat if I could.

Instead, all I can do is continue to pray for you and do my best to love you well. So in that light, here are my thoughts on your letter from earlier today …

Concerning my comments on idolatry and no man ever satisfying you ... please know that I mean exactly what I mean towards myself every day too ... that is, it is an evidence of grace that God loves us far too much to allow us to be satisfied with anyone or anything other than Himself. And there is simply no thing or no person that will ultimately bring us peace. Joy. Satisfaction. That in this life, we will continually be disappointed, betrayed, rejected, attacked. Those we love and who love us will fail us. We will try and fail. We will run away and become even more hardened. We will repent and try again and may experience seasons of joy, moments of justice, glimmers of shalom ... but ultimately, it’s all through a glass dimly. Our hearts are restless until one day when we ultimately find our rest in Him in Heaven to come.

About your thoughts on how I would respond if my confessing Christian husband acted the way that your husband (John Robert) does ... I really don’t know for sure how I would respond. My closest analogy is when I was gracelessly misjudged, cruelly rejected, publicly shamed, and personally and professionally devastated at the hands of a confessing Christian man who had an authority role over me.

Of course, my sin played a huge role in our conflict too. But as my focus was on his contribution and my “hopeless” situation, I know that every single day for years I was tempted to hatred, judgment, and bitterness. I know that I wept for hundreds and hundreds of hours and wanted to run away (and even made “plans” to do so).

I know that my heart and life were poisoned by my legitimate grief turning an ugly corner into vengeance and demands for vindication and even daydreams of his demise/suffering/public embarrassment and my vindication as the “poor victim suffering so terribly”. I know that I was disgusted by how he was so charming and “godly” in front of others … how he professed “love” for me and “care” – but then his actions said otherwise time and time again. (I could go on & on ...)

BUT, I also know that we were all members of a local church. We had taken vows of accountability and submission to oversight. And for YEARS we got help. Individual meetings. Mediations. More meetings, prayer, confrontation. More mediations. I know that my pastors prayed for me and loved me enough to rebuke, counsel, encourage—RESCUE me. I know that a small number of women knew of the situation (the four women in my prayer group) and they were regularly praying for me and confronting me and comforting me too.

These friends wept with me, but they did NOT tolerate my sin. And I know that although, to this day, I do not have the joy of a fully restored relationship with this man (it still seems like he sees only my WORST and my FAILURES and that he continues to keep me at arm’s length “because I’m not good enough”), I have great hope and I can say that we ARE reconciled as brother and sister in Christ. We have confessed our sins to one another and forgiven one another. And when I am tempted to bitterness. Again. God is gracious to lead me in repentance! So this man and I can take communion together and worship together and persevere in fellowship together—even as we seek to rebuild trust, strengthen our relationship, and glorify God together.

Is our relationship perfect? Nope. Do I feel safe around him? Well—not too safe. But yes, I trust GOD and seek to love this man. Does he feel safe around me? Hmmmm … I wonder what I can do to serve him and help him in this regard. (Maybe it’s time for another follow-up call, eh?)

Is he perfect? No way. Am I? NOT BY A LONG SHOT.

Are we both growing in grace? Yes.
Why? Because it is GOD who is at work in our hearts conforming us to Christ.
And yes, lots of people help me.
Just as I trust lots of people are helping this man too. (Probably much more effectively than me!)

And SO … in this horribly painful situation involving this horribly broken relationship … my sin, though wicked and devastating of course, did not overwhelm me.

NOT because of ME—but because of the Body. Without the discipline of the Church? Well, I’d probably be dead (by suicide). Or maybe just dead inside because of my bitterness and rage. But either way it would not be good.

So, all that to say ... I think you’re right. I don’t think I would “take it and say nothing” if my husband were caught in besetting sins. Instead, I hope and pray that I would draw closer to him, share the gospel with him, make respectful appeals and gentle confrontations, enlist help from friends, our small group, our church leaders … in short, do my best to effectuate change in the situation.

But if he did not repent; if he continued to treat me cruelly; if my daily lot was painful and lonely and horribly hard, I truly hope and pray that by God’s grace, His grace would constrain my sin through His Spirit, His Word, and His Body. So that, though my life would be in many ways a body of death in miserable marriage, I would pick up my cross and love God and neighbor and my nearest enemy—my husband.

Maybe things would change. Maybe not. At least not in this life. But one day? Ah, one day. I would KNOW that every wrong would be righted FOREVER. That would be my hope. It’s my only hope even this very day.

And of course I can’t do it.
I can’t remember God’s great and precious promises–more or less lay hold them and apply them to my life.
I for sure can’t love the people who viciously attack, accuse, misjudge, betray, and hurt me. Over and over again. And again.
I can’t keep doing good and blessing the very ones who say, “I love you, Tara” and then ignore and disdain me.

I can’t. I fail. Over and over again.

And so here is my hope ...
God is a gracious and merciful God
Who loves even messed-up, wretched, horrible people like ME.
At my most selfish
idolatrous
bitter
HIS grace is GREATEST
toward ol' sinner me.

And that is my confidence for you, Patricia –
God’s grace is toward YOU!
Not because of who you are, what you do, how you succeed, how you fail –
But because of Jesus Christ.

When the kindness and love of God our Savior appeared, He saved us. Not because of righteous things we had done, but because of His mercy. (Titus 3!)

And one way that God ministers his grace is through His Body.
His imperfect, oft-messed-up, regularly failing Church.

And so – though He slay me – I trust Him.
And though (for a season) I weep through every Sunday service and I feel CRUSHED by the pain … yet, in obedience, I run to the Church.

And when I am too beat down to even lift my eyes to the cross
And no one seems to notice or care or even give a rip about me
My only comfort in life and in death
Is that I am not my own
But belong with all my body and soul
To my Savior Jesus Christ.

I hope that your life will not be filled with daily, chronic, overwhelming pain, Patricia!
How I pray that you will have peace even in the midst of the storm
That one day, your wounds will not bleed and ache so terribly, so viciously
And I am comforted in knowing that ONE DAY in Heaven to come, all of this suffering will be over. What a good day that will be.

Please know that I will continue to keep you and your precious family in my prayers!

With love from your sister in Christ,
Tara Barthel

(Originally posted in 2005)

Miserable Christian Marriages

Lately, my pastor and I have been mediating a number of conflicted marriages. It is heartbreaking too work with these couples. They love the Lord, love their children ... and cannot stand one another.

Instead of demonstrating to the world the relationship of Christ and the Church (Ephesians 5), their marital relationship is filled with bitterness, rage, and mutual disgust.

There is so much to say on this topic (I’ve even been thinking about writing a book on Miserable Christian Marriages) – but I only have a few minutes before I have to start getting our family ready for church, so I’ll bottomline the thoughts that were bouncing around in my head this morning when I woke up:

1. Ladies, dear ones, precious friends ... is there anything our husbands could do that would ever really be enough to satisfy us? Really? Could they be 100%, consistently, faithfully, day-and-night, kind, merciful, attentive, romantic, respectful, servant leaders? Would that satisfy us and then we would be loving and forbearing with them? Really?

I doubt it.

I happen to be married to one of the most lovely, loving, gentle, kind, patient, sweet, servant leader husbands I’ve ever met – and I can tell you, for sure, that we have plenty to argue about and be bitter over. There are times when we can’t stand to look at one another. We get incredibly frustrated in some conversations and Man! Can we push each other’s buttons.

One sinner incompatible with another sinner. That’s us. That’s marriage. That’s all relationships and that’s life.

So what will we do with it? Make an idol out of having a loving, perfect husband? And when our demands are not met, will we hold grudges? Keep lists of his offenses and wrongs? Withhold ourselves–physically, emotionally, spiritually? Avoid him entirely? Criticize, blame, attack, accuse?

And what will be the likely result? What will be our testimony to our children and to a watching world? That we are “good” and he is “bad” – deserving of our condemnation and scorn?

God have mercy on us all! Of course our husband is rotten! So are we. We are all desperate for a Savior and the moment we forget that is the moment we falsely give ourselves license to judge and attack–even the very man we pledged our life and our love to on our wedding day.

Friends, if you are struggling to respect and care for and serve your husbands with true grace, mercy, and selfless love ... please get help! Stop complaining to your friends – confess your need to them and ask for their accountability and prayers. Live by faith not by sight! Treat your husband as God treats you–with compassion and kindness. He doesn’t deserve it – of course he doesn’t! Neither do you.

Oh! There is so much more to say, but time is running short (I keep mentally calculating the time it takes us to feed & bathe Sophia and get ready ourselves), so I must move on ...

2. Beloved gentlemen–Christian husbands. You who are called to love your wives just as Christ loved the Church and gave Himself for her as an offering and sacrifice to God (Ephesians 5) ...

How do you live with the wife of your youth? Do you pray for her and with her? How often do you affirm (to her and to others) her gifts, beauty, and intellect? When she walks in the room, do you attend to her with kindness and respect? Do you listen to her–really listen to her? When she is working on a favorite project (of hers, not yours), do you enter into her world, come alongside of her, engage with her?

Or do you avoid her–physically, emotionally, and spiritually? Do you disdain her, yell at her, swear at her? Hit her? ("Only a slap–and she deserved it.") Do you spend time with everyone else–friends, coworkers, children–just to avoid spending time with her?

Gentlemen, if you are struggling to love your wives, please get help! If you raise your voice in anger, fail to seek her out with romantic and attentive love, never pray with her and for her ... please get help today! Run to the Church, seek out a biblical counselor (careful! not all “Christian counselors” are biblical), put yourself under the authority of other men for accountability and rebuke. This is serious! This is your ministry.

You may be the most effective Sunday school teacher, extremely profitable and acclaimed in your professional work, and adored by your children ... but your wife is your primary mission field. Don’t run away from this problem! Don’t run away from your wife. Run towards her and get help.

3. For both husbands and wives in miserable Christian marriages ... Run to Christ! You cannot “fix this” – you’re simply not strong enough, wise enough, or faithful enough. Your only hope is Christ. Run to Him! Worship Him! Rest in Him.

If we had only a glimpse, a glimmer of just how rotten we are and how beautiful and holy God is ... if we could understand even one iota of how radical it is that the Perfect, Holy God loves sinners like us ... we would not be so quick to judge, despise, hate, criticize, mock, and reject any other person–especially our spouses.

Friends, God is sovereign over your marriage. He is! Trust Him in it. Your struggles and misery are not a surprise to him. And you are definitely not alone. You are not the only (terribly) unhappily married Christian couple.

See that couple with the arms around each other in church today? You think they have a perfect marriage, right? But I had the privilege of spending two days with them last month in a mediation room because they were headed for divorce (the second divorce for both of them). Fred and I have one of the most intimate and loving marriages of any couple I know – but we regularly seek out the counsel and help of our pastor and our friends.

Don’t buy into the lie that “you’re the only one” who struggles in your marriage. We all do! We’re all in need of the help from the Body. Biblical counseling. Christian conciliation. Ongoing discipleship and accountability. We all need it. Thank God it’s there.

“Just as each of us has one body with many members, and these members do not all have the same function, so in Christ we who are many form one body, and each member belongs to all the others.” Romans 12:4

I had a strange but sweet dream last night ...

I dreamt that Fred and I had been together (courting?) for 17 years–but that we were not yet married.
And I was longing to be married to him–and he to me.
And we were just about to get engaged or married or something and I woke up.

It was strange because, of course, we’re happily married. (Twelve years this August.)
But sweet because the dream reminded me of just how much I love Fred and long to be married to him.
(So what a gift that I am!)

And then I went into our bathroom to start my day and I found this great representation of how blessed I am to be married to Fred ...

Our toothpaste tube had gotten to that “folded near the top into two tiny points and squeezed in the middle” stage that I really don’t like. And even though Fred didn’t get to bed until 11:30 or so (he’s doing some consulting work at night to help make up our family’s budget shortfall), he had re-rolled the tube so that it would be just the way I like it when I woke up in the morning.

Now THAT is love!

What a guy.
What a guy.

I hope that you have some evidence of grace and love in your life today too!

Your friend,
Tara B.

If you’ve been reading my blog this week you know that I’ve been really struggling.

I’ve felt tired. Overwhelmed. STRESSED OUT.

There’s a lot that can (and probably SHOULD) be said about this ... some of it is a result of my oft-prayerless life (and my failure to practice other disciplines of grace).

Some of it is physical–I haven’t been to the gym since we lost the baby. No excuses! I was cleared to exercise after just over two weeks–so, you know, I just have to get back into the groove and “do it.”

Some of it is just life in a fallen world; faith’s fight against sin; the battle of unbelief!

But you know what else? Wednesday night, Fred said to me:

"Tara, just put Lili at the vet’s and kennel her for the weekend. Don’t try to speak at an event Thursday night AND get us packed for this trip to Wyoming AND get ready to speak Friday night AND take care of Sophia and me AND take care of a sick little puppy that will probably need not only your time, attention, and love–but multiple baths too. Just take her in. Drop her off. They will love her and take care of her and it will be one less stressor on you for a few days."

And I did.

And he was right (of course).
Thursday was still a really, REALLY hard and stressful and busy day–but it was SO MUCH BETTER than if I had my sweet, but sick, little pup to take my effort and energy and time and emotion.

Did I need prayer? YES!
Was I called to believe the gospel? Absolutely!
But it was also so good to just have some help and a tiny, teeny, little smidgen of a BREAK.

I pray that we will all be looking around our lives, our churches, our neighborhoods and asking: Who could use a BREAK? How can I serve? Can I be a little relief valve for someone? Because MAN! It sure is good to be on the receiving end of it too.

I have to leave the hotel here in Wyoming in just a few minutes to go and speak at this ladies' dinner ... and I still feel sad. SO sad. (Is it hormones? Just me–good ol' oft' sad Tara? Sin? Unbelief? Probably a combination.)

Please pray for me if I flit through your heart this evening.
I do SO want to serve well and love well and encourage/help these dear women!

Oh–and thank God for Fred, eh?
I can’t believe I get so snippy and impatient with him.
I know I could never deserve such a graceful husband.

Thinking of you all!

With love,
Tara B.

Since we had pretty much this exact question at our Q&A today, I thought that I’d post the link to this PeaceGals post:

Peace After Losing an Unbelieving Husband

Hope it is an encouragement and blessing to you all!

Yours,
Tara B.

Well–Fred and I had a fight last night and we ended up sleeping in separate beds.

(Tell me–WHO is gasping right now? I assume that some of you are thinking, “WHAT?!?”)

Ok ... Ok ... I won’t keep you in suspense. The two things (our fight and the separate beds)–though true, are ENTIRELY unrelated.

The fact is, we had a big fight over the best way to train our new Golden Retriever, Lili, to walk on a leash.

And then, when Fred was downstairs working away and I was putting Sophia to bed ... apparently, I accidentally locked our bedroom door. (Actually, all I did was CLOSE the bedroom door but apparently, it was locked already.)

Poor Fred came upstairs to go to bed at like 1AM and, not knowing (I’d say REMEMBERING–since I told him in the past where they were) where the keys were, and (sweet man that he truly is!) ... not wanting to disturb Sophie and me ... he just went to bed in Sophia’s room.

The problem was, I was totally scared when I startled awake at 5:45AM and he wasn’t there!

But thankfully, I found him as soon as I opened the (unknown to me!) locked door and he came out of Sophie’s room.

I tucked him into bed with Sophia and went downstairs to get to work preparing and packing for my trip to California. (Please do pray for me! As always with my “non-standard-retreat” events, I’m feeling ill-prepared and ill-suited to serve well.)

ANYWAY ... I was thinking that this “dramatic” story might give you all a chuckle AND a little motivation to check out this article I found today at ReformedWomen.com: Directives for Avoiding Dissension in the Home, by Richard Baxter.

Oh, those Puritans. They knew what they were talking about, eh?

Happy, Blessed Thursday, all!

Yours,
Tara B.

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about my single friends. Some truly believe they are called to singleness and they serve with great joy in their position. Most long for a mate and pray accordingly (even as they strive to be content in all things).

I continue to whole-heartedly recommend Solo Femininity as the best (most gospel-infused, cross-centered, wise, winsome) blog out there for Christian singles (and for those of us who love them and long for them to experience all of the joys and blessings and responsibilities of the covenant family!).

And I pray that my single friends will avoid pitfalls and temptations like:

1. Making an idol out of marriage (i.e., valuing it too much; thinking it was “satisfy” and “complete” those inner longings within);

2. Giving in to sexual sin ("it’s just a kiss," “It feels so good, I don’t care that it’s sin,” "I know God will forgive me once we’re married").

3. Rejecting the counsel and oversight of friends and family. (If you “don’t even want to talk about” any concerns that your friends and family members have with your romantic life/interest, there is a BIG PROBLEM. This is a RED FLAG that something is seriously wrong.)

4. Being willing to COMPROMISE “because he’s such a great guy.” (Thinking he’ll “grow up” and “be a good Christian husband” once you’re married–even though there is very little if not NO fruit that would so indicate in his life currently.)

5. Sacrificing friendship on the altar of your romantic relationship. (Trust me–friendship is important. Don’t give up on lifelong friends just because the thrill of an eros relationship is taking so much of your time and energy and emotion. Work hard to maintain your friendships!)

OK. That’s off of my chest. Back to work now–

Well ... after I say this ...

You know, I have been with Fred (in a formal courtship) since December of 1993. If the Lord tarries and neither of us dies, we will have been married for 12 years this coming August. I love him more and more and MORE every single day. He is the kindest person I have ever known. He is a man of integrity, service, intelligence, mercy–and he’s super cute too!

Many times I SHUDDER when I think about “what could have been.” How I could have married a worldly, selfish man; or a rude and demeaning man; or a performance-oriented fraud. But instead, God graciously gave me a man who will never love me more than he loves God; and who will always love me more than he loves himself. A churchman–he loves the Bride! The world’s BEST papa. A better friend than I could have EVER imagined could even EXIST for me.

This is what I pray for my single friends.
And I PRAY that they will not compromise in their dating/courting years.
(Better to be lonely and single than lonely in marriage!)

Remember! God is for His children.
And He is mighty to save.
Compassionate.
Forgiving.
Holy. Just.
And Kind.

I’m off to the gym now.

Love ya, bunches!
– Tara B.

Another must read from Carolyn McCulley.

Don’t miss this amazing article on modesty!

Oh–and Happy Thursday to you all–

Love,
Tara B.

(Received an email question from a Christian woman who is in a difficult marriage and I thought my reply might enocurage others too. So here it is ...)

(All identifying information has been changed–of course.)

—————————————–

Dear Carla,

I was blessed to receive your email, but sad too, of course.

I am very sorry that you and your precious daughters are suffering so much in your home as a result of the unregeneration (or immaturity/sinful habit patterns) of your husband. I am so sorry! I wish I could will your pain away and give you all a safe, secure, Christ-exalting, happy, peaceful home. But of course—I cannot.

I can pray for you, however. And I have.

How I pray that God will continue to give you great faith in Him! That you will know that He is sovereign even over this horribly difficult marriage and family situation. That you will not give in to any temptation to shake your fist at God, doubt His goodness, or question His faithfulness. (Even when every emotion and thought and cell in your Old Man screams for you to turn from God!)

– I pray that you will remember Who God is: Good. Just. Holy. Above all (transcendent). With you (immanent/Emmanuel!). Caring. Faithful. True. Kind.

– I pray that you will remember Who you are: Beloved (even when—ESPECIALLY WHEN—it feels otherwise!). Sought after (though father/mother/husband reject you). Cherished with an eternal, saving, NOTHING-CAN-THWART-IT love; a love that sent Christ to the Cross and even to Hell on your behalf; a love that IS at work in your life even now (though you suffer).

– I pray that you will remember that this life is NOT your home: One day you WILL go Home. But right now, it has been appointed to you to suffer. And I’m sorry about that! But I have hope because I know that God is with you and ultimately—this world and even your husband—cannot ULTIMATELY harm you. Even though your heart is broken, you can have hope and peace and love and even joy through your tears.

I also truly pray that you will seek out HELP within the Body of Christ.

I know it’s hard! It’s humbling. It’s embarrassing even as we bring our weaknesses and sins and the struggles in our lives out in front of other people.
But it IS necessary.
(And ultimately it IS good.)

(Plus—just think—one day, maybe even today!—Your vulnerability may give another person the encouragement she needs to seek our YOUR help too. That’s what it’s all about, right? Glorifying God and loving neighbor.)

Well, neighbor … please get help.

Please get help from other Christian women in difficult marriages—women who don’t just complain, but who confess and confront and encourage and LOVE one another and HELP EACH OTHER to love God and neighbor/enemy (husband?).

Please get help from Christian men—I’m not sure how this might work, but I would seek the oversight and counsel of my elders. Who might be able to relate to your husband? Humbly help him see he is not alone? Stop whapping him over the head with the law and instead point him to CHRIST?

Who could help your daughters to see a different view of manhood—BUT NOT with the goal of being “better” than their dad. Rather, to demonstrate a different view of manhood and HELP THEM to honor, love, respect, and pray for their dad.

(I think about that one a lot as Sophie continues to age and observes things in the lives of unbelievers in our lives—VERY CLOSE FRIENDS AND FAMILY MEMBERS—and begins to ask questions. How do we encourage her to love them and not be a little judgmental, proud, Pharisee? Hmmmmmmmm ….)

And finally, please pray that God would break your heart toward your husband and you would not see yourself as ANY better than he is.

All of the faults and failures you listed of his? Dear, sweet sister in Christ … compared to God? We’re JUST LIKE YOUR HUSBAND.
You are. I am. We all are.

If there is any faithfulness or godliness in you? It is Christ in you. An evidence of grace.
If you are a loving, disciplined, godly mother? Again—it’s NOT YOU. It is Christ in you. Nothing to boast in yourself. Nothing that puts you over your husband.
As awful as he is—you are worse. So am I. So is my pastor and my husband.
Our sins are great!
Any beauty in us is simply the Lord.

If this helps at all, I remember a line from a recent sermon by my pastor wherein he said,

“Put their struggle in the context of your struggle.”

Boy is he right! We all struggle. We all sin. We are all, at times, faithless and selfish and proud.
(Remembering this helps to guard us from judging the people in our lives and having a haughty/proud heart towards them.)

OK—plane is landing, I’ll try to upload this from the second of three airports for me today.

Please know that you are not alone!
I send you my care and my prayers—

Your sister in Christ,
Tara B.

Carolyn McCulley has hit it out of the park again! (And I’m not just saying this because she quotes our book. Honestly? The phrase “expectation-experience gap” is ALL JUDY D. and totally not from me! )

Check out her article: "The Hindrance of a Hint" and let me know what you think.

(And please consider visiting her blog Solo Femininity too! She is a VERY wise and godly woman.)

Blessed Sabbath to you all!

Yours,
Tara B.

I woke up this morning SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO excited!

I’ve been planning a BIG SURPRISE for the Fredster for MONTHS now and today was a “big day” with my scheming and planning and totally seeking to bless his socks off.

It reminds me of our wedding rehearsal night ...

Yes, I was THRILLED to be marrying Fred the next day. (How GOOD it was to finally get to be together and not have to say goodbye at the end of the day.)

But I also remember being EXTRAORDINARILY excited to give Fred his wedding gift (a solid-top, beautiful, hand crafted guitar that was WAY beyond our means in grad school ... but that I was able to purchase for him because his groomsmen chipped in too).

I wept I was so excited!
And it was great to hear him play.

ANYWAY ... back to 2007 ...

I can give you more details on the surprise on Sunday.
But I just had to let you know!

It’s late.
I’m exhausted.
My back is killing me!
But I’m very, very happy.

Isn’t it fun to bless someone you love?
Don’t you just love surprises?

What a sweet reminder of that which is GOOD.
God-honoring.
Lovely.
True.
Real.
Fun!
Joyful.

Thank You, God, for this tender reminder of your sovereign care.
This life is so often full of suffering and sorrow–
I am grateful for this day of sweetness and anticipatory glee.

God bless you, my friends!
Remember–the Lord is with you.

Yours,
Tara B.

Our family has officially entered into our BUSY BUSY (VERY BUSY) season.

Beginning two weeks ago and lasting until my dvd project wraps mid-March, we are just going to be hopping.

We’re looking for solace and calm in the midst of the busy-ness ... but really? There is SUCH a temptation for conflict.

For example ... when Fred and I talked Sunday night about our upcoming week, I could FEEL how stressed we both were. He has so much to do at work and other projects besides ... plus he has a trip next weekend out of state AND a number of diaconal ministry needs weighing on him.

(Oh–and he’s teaching the teens in our church about finances and money management this month, so that takes time and prayer and prep. I’m his “Sunday School Sidekick” and I provide the color commentary case-study of a girl named, oh, let’s call me “Lara” ... so that the teens can listen for wise and foolish attitudes and actions I made as a teenager and college student and grad student. Funny. And humbling. And hopefully helpful to the youth.)

Anyway ... Fred is busy and has a lot of stress on him.

And me? Well, I’m breathing a sigh because the mediation wrapped and unless I’m called back to arbitrate the final decision, my responsibilities there should be over (other than prayer).

But I’m about to begin my whirlwind teaching travels AND I have a big weight on me with this dvd project. Plus, of course, my “REAL JOB” of taking care of Sophia and Fred.

So there we are: two busy people. Wanting to honor God and love each other. But also wanting HELP and a BREAK. And of course–neither feeling very good about our situation in that moment.

It hit me that I think that we are “fighting to NOT fight.”
I mean–working hard to work hard as a TEAM and not view each other in any way other than a cherished friend and beloved spouse. (Because it can be tempting to view each other as a “human ATM” – get me what I want/need when I want/need it!)

Thank God for His Spirit at work in our hearts!
(I do. I do.)

Love to all and Happy Monday to you!

Yours,
Tara B.

PS
Isn’t it ironic how quickly my heart can swing from “ooooooh, Fred! My knight in shining armor!” to “Oh, Fred. Really? You can’t help at ALL with the ... violin/swimming/whatever Monday morning?!”

I’m grateful that I have such a forgiving and gracious husband.

For years, Fred and I prayed for a friend of ours. He was single, content in Christ, but longing to be married and have a family.

We just KNEW that he would be the TREASURE of a husband and daddy that so many women pray for–godly, funny, smart, athletic, musical, sweet, thoughtful, faithful, kind–and so we prayed.

Last year (when he was over the age of 40), he was happily, blissfully married to a wonderful woman.
And last NIGHT, we heard the news that this precious couple welcomed their son, Samuel, into the world.

I know that a lot of you are single. I know that you pray for spouses and families of your own. And I just wanted to encourage you with the story of my dear, sweet friend.

I don’t know how God will move in your life–but don’t we all just smile a bit thinking of this man and how MUCH his life has changed in the last three years?

(As we were happily talking to last night, I asked him if he was tired and Fred whispered in my ear, “It only gets worse!” And we all laughed.)

Welcome, Samuel!
And take heart, my single friends who long for family!

(Oh–and here’s another shameless plug for what I think is the BEST blog out there for Christian singles: check out solo femininity by Carolyn McCulley. You’ll be glad you did.)

Happy Saturday to you!

Love,
Tara B.

We have been blessed to hear a personal testimony from someone regarding our previous posts/discussions on adultery. Since I know that not everyone reads all of the comments on every post, I thought I’d move her testimony up to a new blog (and to our discussion board) to make it more accessible for everyone.

Let me give you a recap of the discussion so far and then I’ll include her testimony ...

1. Original Question: “If two Christians are friends and commit adultery with each other and then repent of their sin of adultery can they still remain friends? Can they be restored to a chaste, pure relationship and reconciled with each other as brother and sister in Christ?”

2. First Reply (from Janice): “My short answer: Christians are commanded to be restored to fellowship upon confession, repentance and submission to the authority of the church. So in the sense that they can enjoy Christian fellowship and unity, yes. However, I find it hard to believe that someone who has truly been brought to understand the very depth of their sin (in this case adultery) and fully convicted and repentant of it would feel comfortable being in a close relationship with the other person, regardless of the outcome. And let’s not forget the spouses, children, families and friends who have been harmed by the adulterous relationship. Sin has consequences. Getting chummy again might indicate that they are either not quite to the end of their conviction or are grossly overestimating their ability to withstand temptation (remember Jesus connected the 7th commandment to the heart - with adultery in the history of 2 people’s relationship, closeness is foolish).”

3. Another comment (from Ruth): “This seems to be two different questions and I’d suspect there’s more than meets the eye in the inquiries. I agree with Janice. Remaining “friends” carries with it different connotations. A simple “yes or no” answer would be trite, but “flee youthful lusts”, “avoid all appearance of evil”, and “resist the devil” come to mind as fairly clear solutions. It seems a bit naive (dishonest?) to think that social association (”friendship") would be less than awkward at best if true repentance had been wrought. If marital restoration were to be achieved, steering clear of the other party to the adulterous relationship would be minimal in rebuilding any level of trust.

That is not to say God is not capable of healing such relationships, but wisdom would suggest that a long time and much spiritual growth would take place before the risk of temptation had passed. A recovering, repentant, gambling addict should probably avoid being chummy with his bookie, right?"

4. My first comment:"Ooooooooh ... very wise comments, I think. Thanks, ladies!

I really don’t have much to add – except to say that I wish that someone who had actually experienced this situation (or something similar) might be willing to share his or her thoughts–even anonymously–just to help us all to understand a different perspective.

(I’ve mediated situations like this ... but I don’t have first-hand knowledge and experience.)

This topic of sexual sin reminds me of an incredibly hard to believe testimony that Ken Sande gave at last week’s Peacemaker Conference …

Apparently, a pastor’s wife in South Africa had been RAPED; and then years later they moved to a new town and the RAPIST (now repentant) was actually an ELDER in the church. So the pastor and his wife had to face all of the ramifications of that HORROR and what does it mean to truly forgive, etc. etc.

(It reminded me of Corrine TenBoom’s testimony.)

In the South Africa situation, it did end up that the pastor and his wife were able to truly forgive this man and share fellowship with him. They even had him into their home; shared meals, etc.

(CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT???!!!??? Seriously – apart from the gospel–NO WAY. No no no no WAY.)

I remember as I listened to this testimony (with my JAW IN MY LAP), I thought to myself, "I wonder if it would’ve been easier for the pastor to forgive that man if he had MURDERED the pastor’s wife rather than raped her.” I mean–I’ve heard of LOTS of people forgiving their loved one’s murderer ... but rapist? Really? And then to share ongoing fellowship with him?)

It makes my head spin, but those are the facts.

Still—back to the topic at hand … it seems to me that a repentant rapist (a crime of violence and control!) is VERY different than consensual, obviously attracted to one another/aroused by one another LOVERS who claim to be repentant. So I don’t mean to draw a parallel AT ALL.

Except to say this ...
God is real.
And He is at work in the lives of His people.

May He be glorified and grant us all wisdom from Heaven!

Your friend,
Tara B."

5. A very honest comment from a husband: "this is an awesome question. i dont know. it is always awkward to be with a person(as a friend) after you have been intimate with them.

i think this is up to whoever was cheated on. is that person ok with it? do they trust him or her?

i would advise against it. better to learn from your mistakes and stay away from a tempting situation than to put yourself and your partner through that again.

personally, i would not let my wife be friends with her adulterer, partly because he would no longer be living ... "

6. And the personal testimony regarding adultery: "I can answer this question from experience. The best answer I can come up with is this: It IS possible to maintain a friendship with the person that you once committed adultery. However, I think that it should only be done when it is truly necessary. For instance, if your adultery involved a member of your spouse’s family, and if your spouse has forgiven his/her family member, it would become necessary to at least have some sort of friendship with that person.

Can it be done? Yes. I have two adulterous relationships in my past. One was with my husband’s brother.

My husband has forgiven us both and we have been able to continue on as friends without falling back into that sin. I think that the only way this can work is to have strict guidelines in place. God has done a wonderful thing in my life by restoring our brother/sister-in-law relationship and friendship. By bringing us back to a place where we consider each other our brother-in-law/sister-in-law, is what I mean.

It CAN work.

However! I would recommend that if there is not a true NEED for the two to maintain a friendship...don’t do it. In my case, the other person who I committed adultery with is not a part of my husband’s life and there is absolutely no need for me to maintain a friendship with him (no matter how badly I would like to), and so I don’t. First of all, it’s not an option, because my husband would never allow it. But even if he did, I am honest enough with myself to know that being in contact with that person would be way too much temptation for me."

I received this question via email and I am wondering how YOU would respond:

"If two Christians are friends and commit adultery with each other and then repent of their sin of adultery can they still remain friends?  Can they be restored to a chaste, pure relationship and reconciled with each other as brother and sister in Christ?"

What do you think?

Fred and I have been pushing (schedule-wise, energy-wise) for WEEKS now. I traveled out of state every week this summer. When that ended, we left on our vacation. We returned to home repairs in progress (mess!). Just when we were (sort of) getting on top of the known repairs, a pipe burst in our basement and we spent days trying to wrangle that under control (and things are STILL torn up down here).

On top of all that, we’ve been working incredibly hard to prep materials and resources for the ladies at our denomination’s women’s conference this week in Atlanta. (I can’t tell you how many thousands of coupons, letters, order forms, table tent signs, posters, notes, receipts, etc., that Fred has designed and printed and copied and cut for me and for these precious women.)

We’re happy to serve and SO grateful for the opportunity ... but boy are we tired.

So today we tried to take a little Sabbath rest. And we were even hoping for a little husband-wife cuddle time.
But then the baby woke up.
So we went back to folding brochures & testing displays & packing up resource boxes (while playing with Sophie in the sandbox & water table and practicing our violin, etc.).

And JUST when we were (finally!) relaxing – even CUDDLING – on the couch later tonight, I remembered that the printer wasn’t working. And since I still have to print out my speaker notes for my events this week and next, Fred said, “Let me go and take care of that. Should be a 15 minute job.”

An HOUR and 15 minutes later, I’m totally exhausted. And bummed. And I yell down to the basement that I’m going to bed.
But I try to stay up because I really wanted to connect with Fred.
But I must’ve fallen asleep–because I THOUGHT Fred had JUST gotten into bed ... so I rolled over to talk to him.

Turns out it’s the middle of the night.
He’s SOUND asleep. (Well, not anymore.)
And now he’s grouchy (rightfully so) because I’ve woken him up.
But now I’M awake.
And sad.

So that was like 3 hours ago.
Fun, huh?

(The best laid plans of mice and men ...)

I’m really hoping that I can wind down soon and get back to sleep.
And I’m hoping that Fred and I can connect as friends and lovers and husband and wife before I leave Wednesday morning for Georgia. (But with a deacon’s meeting tonight–Monday–and Bible study on Tuesday, I’m not really thinking that’ll be possible. Again–no complaints! All good stuff! I’m just feeling a little distant from my best friend.)

It’s good to know that our marriage is not based on how we feel day to day; moment to moment; even year to year.
But it has been established by God for God’s glory and HE is holding us together by His grace.

I love you, Fred!
Sorry I woke you up.
Thanks for serving these ladies so incredibly well. And for serving me too.

You make me deliriously happy!

Signing off from a very sleepy Tara–

Your friend,
Tara B.

For the first time in a LONG time, Fred and I had a real (i.e., “with babysitter taking Sophia”) date.

(I seriously debated having us simply drop Sophie off at the babysitter’s and then immediately return home for a two-hour NAP. (No euphemism intended.) Battling the water in our basement (that has created a wet/mildew smell that has overtaken the nice new carpet/fresh paint smell that we enjoyed for like two days) has been an exhausting and icky DRAG.)

STILL ... our pastor is working with us and trying to help us to make our ROMANTIC relationship a priority. (We do just fine on the friendship part. Can’t imagine life without each other. Good team. Excellent “coworkers.” Really like and enjoy each other. BUT OH YEAH ... we’re also husband and wife! You know, that, "once in a lifetime / totally unique / ROMANTIC EROS LOVE relationship that God has ordained to show forth His glory? Yes, yes. Right.)

AND SO ... I did my hair all up with lots of curls (just the way Fred likes it) and put on a romantic “date-night” blouse that he also likes (don’t think I’ve worn it since the cruise my sister took us on last YEAR) and off we went.

We started by stopping at a party hosted by a family from our church. This family is simply amazing. (Every time we get to interact with the parents or any of their six children, we ALWAYS leave commenting on how much we love, enjoy, respect, and simply thank God for this family.)

To encourage relationships in the Body, they host a party/dinner every couple of month and invite literally every single person in the church. Not everyone goes, of course, but it’s a sight to see the husband/dad out in their front lawn directing cars to maximize parking space. And once you walk into their home and smell the delicious food? Well, it’s just lovely.

(Even for an introvert like me, it’s easy to see the great value they are providing and even enjoy it!)

But here’s the thing ... after we were home, enjoying some cuddle time (yes, euphemism intended) before we picked up Sophia, I started to doubt myself. I thought:

- It’s Montana. Everyone else was in jeans. Why was I so stupid to dress up? (Fred says, “We don’t all have to be the same, Tara. We had a fun date. I thought you looked beautiful and I know you were dressing only for me – don’t worry about it. Let it go.”)

- OK. I talked with three people I didn’t know very well (which was great!) and also got to visit with friends (also great!), but I also saw people that I know don’t like or respect me very much. (Always awkward.) Am I doing everything I can do be a peacemaker in those relationships? Should I try to do more? Man! This relationship-thing is hard! Maybe we should just move. (Fred replies, “People are people. Some relationships are always going to be hard no matter where we live. Yes, maybe we’ll end up moving ... we’re praying for wisdom and seeking direction on our future. We’ll know when we need to know. Right now, let’s just concentrate on contentment where we are as we seek to serve and bless.”)

I could go on and on ... but thankfully, I think I came around to gospel thinking by the end of our conversation.

What do I mean?

Well – first of all – God’s grace helped me to stop thinking so much of myself. (Who cares what people think or say about ME? Was I seeking to bless and encourage THEM?)

Secondly, I do think it was good for Fred and I to have a little time together before 10:00 at night. And maybe this little effort will help us to establish a better pattern that way.

And lastly – I thought of a step that I could take on the whole, “Am I really doing all I can do to promote peace and reconciliation with these certain people.” (What else is 2:30AM for anyway? Sleep?) So I think I’ll sign off now and work on that a bit ...



Hope your Saturday is a good one!
That your basement is not flooded
your heart is encouraged to rest in God’s mercy
and if you are married–the eros aspects of your relationship are growing and thriving too.

Signing off at 3AM –
Your friend,
Tara B.

Earlier this week, we enjoyed a wonderful evening with friends.

The husband and wife were actually the first two people in Montana to really reach out to us to make us feel welcome (when we moved here from Chicago in December of '99). We hiked & camped together and just enjoyed each other’s company.

And then we had kids.

Now don’t get me wrong. Our children are BLESSINGS!! We thank God for them every single day. But it does cut down on the number of spontaneous dinners / outings / events. (That’s not a bad thing–just factually the way things go when you have toddlers and preschoolers.)

Anyway ... the other night we got to have dinner together and just visit for awhile.

I LOVE seeing Sophia interact with their children. The older girl is sweet, attentive, and helpful. She made Sophie feel welcome right away and was an absolute delight. The boy who is Sophie’s age is just SO CUTE ... what a nice, “all boy,” boy. We thank God for him! AND they have a baby.

(Man! Not being around babies can make you forget just how incredibly precious they are.)

This little muffin is absolutely adorable. I loved his GLEE as he played with his papa; how he wanted to be with the “big kids,” but how really? He lit up most around his beloved Mama.

He knows. He knows. Mama is Mama and there is no one in the world like her.
(You could literally SEE him relax and be most happy in her arms. My friend is a GREAT mom.)

One thing we discussed last night stuck with me and I wanted to share it with you all ...

As the kids were playing in the basement, the grown-ups were talking about parenting and discipline. And it turns out that we have a similar situation in both households:

Sometimes it can SEEM like Momma is kind of the “heavy” and the Papa often “giveth more grace.”

What do I mean?

Well, if I give Sophia a clear command that I know she has heard and she is capable of obeying, I expect her to obey first time. Without complaint and without delay. If she doesn’t? I discipline her.

But with Fred? Well .... so many times I’ll hear him ask her to do something. And then ask again. And then clarify. And then explain that if she doesn’t obey, he will have to discipline her. (Etc. etc.)

I’m thinkin, “Man! That kid is being defiant! She needs RESCUE! Please, Fred, please DISCIPLINE HER!” (And my friend could TOTALLY relate.)

But here’s the thing ... the men could relate to each other too.

What did they say?

"I wanted to be sure she understood."
“I wanted to make sure that it was actual disobedience/defiance.”
“I wasn’t sure she knew it was a command, so I was making sure.”

And you know what?

That totally made sense to me. And to my girlfriend.

You see ... even though my friend and I (who are INCREDIBLY BLESSED to be home with our children!) knew IN AN INSTANT that our kids were being defiant and disobedient ... not having spent those eight hours with our kids at home, our husbands were less confident.

Of course!
Made total sense to me.

Our husbands are PHENOMENAL.
Caring – attentive – disciplined – wise – godly – loving – self-sacrificing. CHRIST-LIKE.

BUT ... we (stay-at-home-moms) have a different view. A more (accurate?), clear, view of our kids. We can see it in their eyes and we hear it in their tone. We know they understand the command. We absolutely (100%!!) see the defiance. We know that they need rescue.

But our husbands need a little more time. Clarification. Surety.

They’re not being lenient or unwise. They just don’t have the insights we have.
(But they ARE growing!)

And it is our job (and joy!) to serve and encourage and help them.

What a blessing it was to gain this insight as we shared fellowship and friendship.
(And what an encouragement to know that we’re not the only ones who struggle with these parenting issues!)

I’m praying for you all this very day – and also for our children.
May our homes reflect the rescuing, redeeming love of the Living God!

(And remember ... you’re not the only one! You’re not alone! Whatever your struggle or suffering in life – though it so often feels otherwise, you are NOT alone.)

Sending you my love!
Your friend,
Tara B.

On two of our ten SCUBA dives last week, Fred’s depth gauge broke. (Bummer!) It wasn’t dangerous or anything, but it meant that our normal dive buddy pattern had to adjust even after we had descended.

(Usually, Fred checks his depth gauge and air level CONSTANTLY during our dives and I’m more of a “check it occasionally” person. It’s funny because I often think, “MAN, Fred checks his gauges a lot” and Fred says that he often thinks, “MAN, Tara should check her gauges more often.” Isn’t marriage a hoot?)



ANYWAY ... normally when we dive, I like to let Fred take the “lead” so that I’m responsible for adjusting my rate in the current to stay right with him. He keeps us at a nice depth and never goes too far away from the dive master or the reef/shelf and I can just relax and enjoy the dive. (Boy, I like being the girl!)

But when his equipment broke. Twice. I had to take the lead position and keep us at the right depth, etc. It was a lot of work! If I went too fast and he didn’t stay with me, I had to swim against the current to get back to him (MAJOR air consumption!) and that was exhausting. Plus, I had to give the majority of my focus to HIM rather than just enjoying the dive.

Of course I was happy to do it ... but on other dives (where I could just follow his lead and I had lots of brain-time and energy to look, think, pray, worship), I reflected on the headship and submission issues inherent in recreational SCUBA diving:

- Someone has to take the lead and someone has to follow. Like most of life, it just doesn’t work any other way.
- The position of follower/helper is NOT a bad place to be. In fact, following the right leader, it’s actually GREAT!
- In those weird times when I had to lead, we got along OK. But it wasn’t the best and it surely is not my favorite.

Last thought/observation ... my propensity to flow faster in the current than Fred reminded me of how my personality and gifting has a propensity to be “out there” and move faster than Fred. But just as my dive was better when I slowed down and followed Fred; my LIFE sure is better when I slow down and follow him too. But that takes effort on both of our parts–leading doesn’t just “happen” and neither does following.

Just some random thoughts from your SCUBA-diving pal,
Tara

PS
One of my favorite (!!) aspects of diving is getting to be IN schools of zillions of fishies. I love just hanging out and getting to watch them so close up. What a privilege!



PPS
OK, now I’m REALLY going to crawl back into bed and try to catch a nap before we all have to get up and start our day. I’m going to be TIRED today, eh?

Eleven years ago today Fred and I were married.

It was a great day and a stressful day all at the same time.
(Kind of like daily living for these eleven years, eh?)

Ironically, Fred and I haven’t been getting along very well for the last two weeks or so. It’s pretty much the longest we’ve ever gone not being able to “reconnect” and have those lovey-dovey feelings that we usually have for one another.

- We can chalk it up to the fact that I’ve been out of state for 7 of the last 14 days.
- And that we’re trying to get these “falling down house” home improvements done before we leave on vacation.
- Or that it’s that “special time of the month” for me; Fred is stressed and busy at work; Sophie is wonderful, but two and a half years old ('nuff said on the toddler topic); I’ve been discouraged by the failures that follow my “successes” with eating and exercise; ...
- or ... or ... or ...

But really? Is there ever any other “explanation” for why love and intimacy in marriage goes up and down, hot to cold and back again ... other than the fact that we are fallen people living in a fallen world? That sometimes, life gets busy, we get tired, and our Old Man, human, fallen natures are such that we are prone to be selfish and whiny and sinful.

("Why doesn’t he just put that DVD AWAY?!?! I know he’s tired but man! I’m tired too and I pick up my mess and CLOSE THE CLOSET DOORS before I go to bed.")

(Can you believe I even THOUGHT that thought after I got home from PA and Fred had stayed up until 2AM moving all of our furniture and books and wall hanging and ripping out all of our old skanky carpet and THEN had to take care of the baby AND go to work AND THEN pick me up at the airport? All without complaint. Man! What a jerk I can be sometimes. Glad I only THOUGHT it and didn’t say it out loud. BUT STILL ... oh my wretched heart.)

Isn’t it true that in marriage, like any relationship, there are times when we’re in “Vulcan mind meld” and we read each other’s thoughts and anticipate each other’s needs and just connect and bless and serve and make each other very, very happy. Deliriously happy, even.

And at other times we just coexist and survive another day and there are no warm and fuzzy feelings. At all.

Of course it’s true. And anyone married for more than a week knows it.

But what is also true is this … even in my tired, stressed state, THIS I KNOW … God gave me a huge gift when He gave me my beloved husband, Fred.

- Even without a bunch of warm fuzzy feelings right now
- even feeling tired and dizzy (I’ve been dizzy for like two days now–VERY annoying and hard to deal with)
- ‘though I’m a little scared over everything we have to get done in the next four days
- stressed by a big writing project
- wondering what the future holds ...

THIS IS KNOW ...
Eleven years ago my life changed for the better when God gave me the grace of my husband.

- Fred is wise, patient, kind, faithful, and loving.
- He is not easily angered. He forgives fully and keeps no record of my (horrible!) wrongs.
- Fred washes me with the Word and holds me when I’m scared in the night.
- He lays down his life for me. He sacrifices for my good.
- He puts me ahead of himself over and over (and over!) again.

- Fred is a funny, cheerful, phlegmatic man.
- Steady Freddy. Calm, happy, gentle.
- He looks GOOD in his Cubs hat and hiking boots–he’s all man.
- And he’s incredibly tender and goofy with Sophia and me–he’s all man.

If I had gotten what I deserved, I would’ve married a selfish, worldly, proud man who would point out my weaknesses and judge me relentlessly.

Instead, I daily submit with joy to a man who truly lives out the biblical model of servant leadership and headship.

Happy Eleventh Anniversary, my darling Fred!
(Oh, and hey! I’m starting to feel those mushy feelings again. Cool! Must be that ol' Philippians 4 thing again ... think about what is pure and lovely and good and admirable ...)

Hope you all enjoy a great Saturday!

Your friend,
Tara B.

I got home around midnight on Friday to find Sophia quite sick with a bad cold and some sort of fever-inducing virus having a little hey-day in her body. Poor love! It’s hard to be sick! And especially hard when you’re only two and a half.

Fred and I kidded this morning about how we both could use a break so maybe we should put her in the church nursery. (Hah hah. Yeah, right. Like we’d ever put a fevered, booger-dripping sick kid in a nursery. We’re TOTALLY wacko about germy kid places anyway ... so really, we were just kidding.)

Fred would’ve stayed home so that I could go to church (yeah rah for servant headship!) ... BUT, he was scheduled to lead worship, so that wasn’t an option.

Instead, Sophia and I have had a snuggly morning of coloring books, reading & reading & reading, and enjoying a few sermons on AM radio. (We have some great, small, biblical stations here in Billings.)

But now she’s asleep again (fevers take a lot out of you, don’t they!) And Fred’s not home yet ... so I’m doing some blogging with the television on but muted in the background. It’s the Lawrence Welk show on PBS (one of the three television stations we get) and I think it’s lovely.

What a time of life!

- GREAT big band music
- Feminine and modest dresses
- Super fun excerpts from musicals
- Wailing trumpets and jazzy clarinets
- And normal, everyday couples (survivors of the depression or raised by them? our heroes in the greatest generation?) dancing the night away

You know, Fred and I took ballroom dance lessons when we were courting and engaged. It was HARD and fun and a challenge to our relationship (if you’ve ever taken dance lessons with your spouse, you may know what I mean) ... and really just great.

We SO wanted to learn how to dance like one of those couples who have obviously been dancing together for 50 years. But we can only remember like 3 steps of a swing dance now.

Maybe one day if we move away from Billings we can take a class again? I’d buy a pair of dance shoes with a strap across the ankle and everything.

This past weekend, our family enjoyed a delightfully, deliciously, de-wonderfully restful break. Between work duties, tasks around the house, family worship, reading, long walks, and trips to parks and the zoo, we had that refreshing combination of work, rest, and simple pleasure that truly restores the soul (heart & mind) and body too.

What a blessing!

But I have to tell you one funny story about our weekend ...
(Well, it wasn’t so funny at the time ...)

Saturday morning, Sophie broke out her CD player/microphone combination that lets her sing “karaoke”-style with her little CDs. Her choice du jour was Barney and the next thing you know, we’re all belting out, “Let Me Call You Sweetheart” with the big purple dinosaur.

(Fun enough, right?)

But then ...
(If this were a movie, the scary music would start now!) ...

Fred decided to test out our new webcam. (Sophie’s blessing the socks off of a lot of our relatives by “hanging” with them over the internet as she goes throughout her day.)

Specifically, he found a “cool” new site that lets you record from your webcam and post the recordings to your website or blog.

(Might be fun, right? I could give you a chuckle or two with Sophie & the goldfish or whatever.)

HOWEVER ... instead of taking an innocuous movie of, say, our adorable daughter or even our fuzzily cute Golden Retriever, he made a movie of ME. In my “nobody alive other than Fred and Sophie will ever see me in this Saturday morning at home” outfit. (You know–comfy. Ugly. Not very modest even. NOT meant for public consumption-outfit.) Lying on my stomach SINGING KARAOKE WITH BARNEY.

And the next thing you know, he has a LINK to a WEBSITE where you can VIEW ME.
Me.
Tara.
Ickily, inappropriately-dressedly, awfully-singingly WITH BARNEY.
On the internet.

(It was quite a moment. Sure to go down in the annals of our family history.)

"Fred? Is that on the INTERNET?"
“Ummmm. Well. Yeah.”
“THAT MOVIE IS ON THE INTERNET??!!??!!”
“Ummmm. Well. I think so. But I think it’s not available to the public. Just to us.”
“But isn’t that a WEBSITE ADDRESS? A LINK? To the INTERNET?!?” (panic growing in my voice)
“Yes. But I think it’s just for us. Here–give me a minute. Let me read what the site says.”
“Good idea. Read what it says and let me know please.”

Now, I can honestly say that (thankfully!) we didn’t even fight about it.

Why?

I guess because it was so HUGELY AWFUL that I knew in an instant that:

a) OF COURSE, Fred would never intentionally do anything to embarrass or hurt me; and
b) If it really was “out there” in cyberland, there was probably nothing we could do about it; and
c) If the “ugly momma singing with Barney” video somehow made it into the “check this out!” weird realm of internet “fame” and suddenly I was the next “Star Wars Kid,” ... well ... somehow, I had to trust that God was still good. And sovereign. And my embarrassment is really not that big of a deal. And I didn’t want Fred to feel bad.

(Do you ever find that the really BIG stuff is in some ways easier to handle well than the piddly stuff?)

So ANYWAY ... that was that.

(Well–until I end up in your Inbox with some crazy email forward of, “You have to look at this!” or whatever. )

But I thought the story might give you a chuckle as you head into your day.

God is good! All the time.
Amen!
And lots of love,
Tara B.

The other day I was out in the living room reading and I asked Fred if he would please bring me some water when he came. He said sure. And that was pretty much that.

But then I got to thinking about the many “miserably married Christians” that my pastor and I have mediated over the years ... and I was struck yet again by how hard a simple exchange like that could have been.

- I could have been a nagging, critical wife for twenty years so that when I asked Fred for some water, it was just another DRIP on the metal roof of his misery in marriage
- Fred could have been a distant, angry husband who avoided me and disdained me for thirty years (and then responded rudely when I asked for something as simple as a glass of water)
- We could be living separate lives under the same roof; trapped in cycles of bitterness and gracelessness

Instead, by God’s grace alone, I felt safe and comfortable to say, “Hey, Fred, would you please bring me a water?” And he replied, “Sure.”

It’s a tiny moment of life.
And a sweet evidence of God’s precious grace.

Thank You, Lord!

(And thank you, Fred–for being such a precious husband and friend and lover! You make me deliriously happy.)

I was looking for an old email this morning and I came across this letter that I had written in response to a dear, precious, godly, wise woman who was struggling in an unhappy Christian marriage.

Since I’ve already posted some blogs on “Miserable Christian Marriages”, I thought it might be helpful to share this letter with you. Hope so!

(Please note that OF COURSE, all identifying information has been changed to protect her confidentiality. I’ve also deleted some of the letter because it was not directly relevant to this topic and I’ve also taken the editorial liberty of adding some clarifying details.)

–

Dear Patricia,

Thank you for sharing your thoughts with me again. I am continually humbled that you would choose to express such important and heart-wrenching issues and feelings to me. And of course I am terribly saddened by the brokenness in your marriage and family. It grieves me to hear of your suffering! And I continue to wish that I could simply will it all away with a wave of my hands. Please know that I would do so in a heartbeat if I could.

Instead, all I can do is continue to pray for you and do my best to love you well. So in that light, here are my thoughts on your letter from earlier today …

Concerning my comments on idolatry and no man ever satisfying you ... please know that I mean exactly what I mean towards myself every day too ... that is, it is an evidence of grace that God loves us far too much to allow us to be satisfied with anyone or anything other than Himself. And there is simply no thing or no person that will ultimately bring us peace. Joy. Satisfaction. That in this life, we will continually be disappointed, betrayed, rejected, attacked. Those we love and who love us will fail us. We will try and fail. We will run away and become even more hardened. We will repent and try again and may experience seasons of joy, moments of justice, glimmers of shalom ... but ultimately, it’s all through a glass dimly. Our hearts are restless until one day when we ultimately find our rest in Him in Heaven to come.

About your thoughts on how I would respond if my confessing Christian husband acted the way that your husband (John Robert) does ... I really don’t know for sure how I would respond. My closest analogy is when I was gracelessly misjudged, cruelly rejected, publicly shamed, and personally and professionally devastated at the hands of a confessing Christian man who had an authority role over me.

Of course, my sin played a huge role in our conflict too. But as my focus was on his contribution and my “hopeless” situation, I know that every single day for years I was tempted to hatred, judgment, and bitterness. I know that I wept for hundreds and hundreds of hours and wanted to run away (and even made “plans” to do so).

I know that my heart and life were poisoned by my legitimate grief turning an ugly corner into vengeance and demands for vindication and even daydreams of his demise/suffering/public embarrassment and my vindication as the “poor victim suffering so terribly”. I know that I was disgusted by how he was so charming and “godly” in front of others … how he professed “love” for me and “care” – but then his actions said otherwise time and time again. (I could go on & on ...)

BUT, I also know that we were all members of a local church. We had taken vows of accountability and submission to oversight. And for YEARS we got help. Individual meetings. Mediations. More meetings, prayer, confrontation. More mediations. I know that my pastors prayed for me and loved me enough to rebuke, counsel, encourage—RESCUE me. I know that a small number of women knew of the situation (the four women in my prayer group) and they were regularly praying for me and confronting me and comforting me too.

These friends wept with me, but they did NOT tolerate my sin. And I know that although, to this day, I do not have the joy of a fully restored relationship with this man (it still seems like he sees only my WORST and my FAILURES and that he continues to keep me at arm’s length “because I’m not good enough”), I have great hope and I can say that we ARE reconciled as brother and sister in Christ. We have confessed our sins to one another and forgiven one another. And when I am tempted to bitterness. Again. God is gracious to lead me in repentance! So this man and I can take communion together and worship together and persevere in fellowship together—even as we seek to rebuild trust, strengthen our relationship, and glorify God together.

Is our relationship perfect? Nope. Do I feel safe around him? Well—not too safe. But yes, I trust GOD and seek to love this man. Does he feel safe around me? Hmmmm … I wonder what I can do to serve him and help him in this regard. (Maybe it’s time for another follow-up call, eh?)

Is he perfect? No way. Am I? NOT BY A LONG SHOT.

Are we both growing in grace? Yes.
Why? Because it is GOD who is at work in our hearts conforming us to Christ.
And yes, lots of people help me.
Just as I trust lots of people are helping this man too. (Probably much more effectively than me!)

And SO … in this horribly painful situation involving this horribly broken relationship … my sin, though wicked and devastating of course, did not overwhelm me.

NOT because of ME—but because of the Body. Without the discipline of the Church? Well, I’d probably be dead (by suicide). Or maybe just dead inside because of my bitterness and rage. But either way it would not be good.

So, all that to say ... I think you’re right. I don’t think I would “take it and say nothing” if my husband were caught in besetting sins. Instead, I hope and pray that I would draw closer to him, share the gospel with him, make respectful appeals and gentle confrontations, enlist help from friends, our small group, our church leaders … in short, do my best to effectuate change in the situation.

But if he did not repent; if he continued to treat me cruelly; if my daily lot was painful and lonely and horribly hard, I truly hope and pray that by God’s grace, His grace would constrain my sin through His Spirit, His Word, and His Body. So that, though my life would be in many ways a body of death in miserable marriage, I would pick up my cross and love God and neighbor and my nearest enemy—my husband.

Maybe things would change. Maybe not. At least not in this life. But one day? Ah, one day. I would KNOW that every wrong would be righted FOREVER. That would be my hope. It’s my only hope even this very day.

And of course I can’t do it.
I can’t remember God’s great and precious promises–more or less lay hold them and apply them to my life.
I for sure can’t love the people who viciously attack, accuse, misjudge, betray, and hurt me. Over and over again. And again.
I can’t keep doing good and blessing the very ones who say, “I love you, Tara” and then ignore and disdain me.

I can’t. I fail. Over and over again.

And so here is my hope ...
God is a gracious and merciful God
Who loves even messed-up, wretched, horrible people like ME.
At my most selfish
idolatrous
bitter
HIS grace is GREATEST
toward ol' sinner me.

And that is my confidence for you, Patricia –
God’s grace is toward YOU!
Not because of who you are, what you do, how you succeed, how you fail –
But because of Jesus Christ.

When the kindness and love of God our Savior appeared, He saved us. Not because of righteous things we had done, but because of His mercy. (Titus 3!)

And one way that God ministers his grace is through His Body.
His imperfect, oft-messed-up, regularly failing Church.

And so – though He slay me – I trust Him.
And though (for a season) I weep through every Sunday service and I feel CRUSHED by the pain … yet, in obedience, I run to the Church.

And when I am too beat down to even lift my eyes to the cross
And no one seems to notice or care or even give a rip about me
My only comfort in life and in death
Is that I am not my own
But belong with all my body and soul
To my Savior Jesus Christ.

I hope that your life will not be filled with daily, chronic, overwhelming pain, Patricia!
How I pray that you will have peace even in the midst of the storm
That one day, your wounds will not bleed and ache so terribly, so viciously
And I am comforted in knowing that ONE DAY in Heaven to come, all of this suffering will be over. What a good day that will be.

Please know that I will continue to keep you and your precious family in my prayers!

With love from your sister in Christ,
Tara Barthel

Last week, Fred and I had one of the most disturbing – fights? difficult conversations? “opportunities”? future peacemaker seminar illustrations? – of our lives.

The – let’s just call it a fight – the fight itself was nothing new. Seriously – it was fight #24 or something in our marriage. But here is the truly frightening aspect of it ...

Unlike most of our “challenges” (fight just sounds too strong), at the end, we usually reconcile rather quickly. We may be hurt, but we readily confess, forgive, and begin to move on. That didn’t happen last week.

In fact, I became extremely, extremely sad. I was grief-stricken. Overwhelmed. Disturbed in my spirit such that I jumped headfirst into an emotionally dark, lonely place that usually takes me a few days, weeks, or even months to dig into. Even now, while I am nowhere near the level of despair I experienced last week, my heart is still a little sad. Tender. Tentative.

If I had my preference I would only be with my Golden Retriever (70 lbs of love and acceptance–furry, but 100% sweet) and my safest friend.

Why why why?

If you’re thinking that I wanted to pull away from Fred "until he changed" (got his act together, stopped doing the offensive thing, started doing whatever I was hoping for) – you’re wrong.

Even in the midst of our “exchange” – I knew that I did not want to allow even righteous, good, “wifey” desires to become Monster Wants that demandingly rule me and put expectations and punishments on Fred. (Thank you James 4:1-3 and Corlette Sande’s The Young Peacemaker!)

No, I didn’t want to run away because of Fred – but because of me.

I had no hope because my eyes were on me.

I looked to the future and saw things only getting worse and worse and worse. Why? Because instead of speaking truth to the situation, living by faith, trusting in the Lord of All Creation, my heart was fixated on my own weakness, sin, fallenness, ugliness, “worthy-only-of-rejectedness-ness.”

To paraphrase my dear friend Trudy, “Of course you were despairing, Tara! When you focus on the situation, the other person, or yourself, you will ALWAYS despair!”

True. True.

So where does that leave me? Us?

- Tentatively grateful – that though I am often faithless, He is ever faithful.
- Though I grieve – there is hope.
- Though father and mother reject me, the Lord, the Lord, the Compassionate and Gracious God will never reject me.
- Once I was lost, but now I’m found. (By Someone bigger and stronger than me.)

I can run and try to hide. But where can I flee from God’s presence? Impossible!
I can try to seek solace in a friend or in a Golden – but their love will never ultimately satisfy.

Instead, by faith, I can pray for the grace to believe on the Lord! To lay hold of His promises! To lay hold of Christ.

And, of course, to find that He is the One laying hold of me all along.

Epilogue
So what about Fred and me? We’re doing OK. Navigating an intense work time for Fred (new database and website for Peacemaker Ministries – cool, but tremendously time consuming for Fred!). Gearing up for my busiest two months of travel (fun, but lots of details to coordinate). Enjoying a visit from relatives (but harder to sneak in emails and work stuff). Totally delighting in Sophia’s ever-growing vocabulary (“Me-See!” = “Please show me!” and “Gee-Mee-Mee” = “Good Morning” and her big-sister-ness commands to our Golden, Choza: “Come!” “Sit!” “Settle!”)

And also continuing to prayerfully, thoughtfully work on some of those “husband-wife” details and opportunities and areas for growth too. Specifically, I am starting to meet regularly with a godly, wonderful friend for accountability, counsel, and help. And Fred is working to set up an appointment with our pastor to do the same. Thank God for the Body of Christ! No lone rangers here.

Fred and I had a blast yesterday chatting throughout the day about what it might have been like if we had met in high school ...

(My pastor and his wife were high school sweethearts! It’s hysterical–and wonderful–to see their photos from proms and homecoming dances, West Point, seminary, etc. Oh, to have grown up with the love of your life!)

These are the things Fred and I wondered about ...

- Would we have competed too much with each other for first chair trumpet?
- What would it have been like for me to accompany him in all of the musicals?
- At least he would have been in Spanish club and I would have been in French club.
- And he’d be in all of the math and science classes that scared me to death.
- Would we have been on speech team? Drama club? Co-captain of this? President/Vice-President of that?

I assured him that I would have had a big ol' crush on him back then for the exact reasons I fell in love with him in grad school ...
- His kind and gentle love for God and people
- His intelligence, humor, musical gifts
- His steady, solid, safe, happy security
- His super-handsome-wonderfulness

(He assured me that those things might not have been so evident back in 1986. But who knows?)

It’s silly, but true ... I had so much fun picturing us back with our 80’s hairdos, going to dances, meeting each other’s friends and families ...

A simpler time of life. Not necessarily better, but just different. Less complex in some ways. Strange and scary in others. Maybe we would have been best friends? Maybe we would have lead each other into sin? Maybe we would have laughed at each other’s tights and hats in Madrigals, shared pizza at the mall, DQ blizzards (with extra topping) by the river.

Thank you, God, for saving my soul back in high school. (Thank you, friends who lead me to the Savior! I wish I could find you and thank you again. I google you a lot to try to do so.)

Thank you, God, for introducing me to Fred in grad school and for (just about!) ten years of wonderful, safe marriage.

Be glorified in our marriage, friendship, family, I pray. Amen.

Lately, my pastor and I have been mediating a number of conflicted marriages. It is heartbreaking too work with these couples. They love the Lord, love their children ... and cannot stand one another.

Instead of demonstrating to the world the relationship of Christ and the Church (Ephesians 5), their marital relationship is filled with bitterness, rage, and mutual disgust.

There is so much to say on this topic (I’ve even been thinking about writing a book on Miserable Christian Marriages) – but I only have a few minutes before I have to start getting our family ready for church, so I’ll bottomline the thoughts that were bouncing around in my head this morning when I woke up:

1. Ladies, dear ones, precious friends ... is there anything our husbands could do that would ever really be enough to satisfy us? Really? Could they be 100%, consistently, faithfully, day-and-night, kind, merciful, attentive, romantic, respectful, servant leaders? Would that satisfy us and then we would be loving and forbearing with them? Really?

I doubt it.

I happen to be married to one of the most lovely, loving, gentle, kind, patient, sweet, servant leader husbands I’ve ever met – and I can tell you, for sure, that we have plenty to argue about and be bitter over. There are times when we can’t stand to look at one another. We get incredibly frustrated in some conversations and Man! Can we push each other’s buttons.

One sinner incompatible with another sinner. That’s us. That’s marriage. That’s all relationships and that’s life.

So what will we do with it? Make an idol out of having a loving, perfect husband? And when our demands are not met, will we hold grudges? Keep lists of his offenses and wrongs? Withhold ourselves–physically, emotionally, spiritually? Avoid him entirely? Criticize, blame, attack, accuse?

And what will be the likely result? What will be our testimony to our children and to a watching world? That we are “good” and he is “bad” – deserving of our condemnation and scorn?

God have mercy on us all! Of course our husband is rotten! So are we. We are all desperate for a Savior and the moment we forget that is the moment we falsely give ourselves license to judge and attack–even the very man we pledged our life and our love to on our wedding day.

Friends, if you are struggling to respect and care for and serve your husbands with true grace, mercy, and selfless love ... please get help! Stop complaining to your friends – confess your need to them and ask for their accountability and prayers. Live by faith not by sight! Treat your husband as God treats you–with compassion and kindness. He doesn’t deserve it – of course he doesn’t! Neither do you.

Oh! There is so much more to say, but time is running short (I keep mentally calculating the time it takes us to feed & bathe Sophia and get ready ourselves), so I must move on ...

2. Beloved gentlemen–Christian husbands. You who are called to love your wives just as Christ loved the Church and gave Himself for her as an offering and sacrifice to God (Ephesians 5) ...

How do you live with the wife of your youth? Do you pray for her and with her? How often do you affirm (to her and to others) her gifts, beauty, and intellect? When she walks in the room, do you attend to her with kindness and respect? Do you listen to her–really listen to her? When she is working on a favorite project (of hers, not yours), do you enter into her world, come alongside of her, engage with her?

Or do you avoid her–physically, emotionally, and spiritually? Do you disdain her, yell at her, swear at her? Hit her? ("Only a slap–and she deserved it.") Do you spend time with everyone else–friends, coworkers, children–just to avoid spending time with her?

Gentlemen, if you are struggling to love your wives, please get help! If you raise your voice in anger, fail to seek her out with romantic and attentive love, never pray with her and for her ... please get help today! Run to the Church, seek out a biblical counselor (careful! not all “Christian counselors” are biblical), put yourself under the authority of other men for accountability and rebuke. This is serious! This is your ministry.

You may be the most effective Sunday school teacher, extremely profitable and acclaimed in your professional work, and adored by your children ... but your wife is your primary mission field. Don’t run away from this problem! Don’t run away from your wife. Run towards her and get help.

3. For both husbands and wives in miserable Christian marriages ... Run to Christ! You cannot “fix this” – you’re simply not strong enough, wise enough, or faithful enough. Your only hope is Christ. Run to Him! Worship Him! Rest in Him.

If we had only a glimpse, a glimmer of just how rotten we are and how beautiful and holy God is ... if we could understand even one iota of how radical it is that the Perfect, Holy God loves sinners like us ... we would not be so quick to judge, despise, hate, criticize, mock, and reject any other person–especially our spouses.

Friends, God is sovereign over your marriage. He is! Trust Him in it. Your struggles and misery are not a surprise to him. And you are definitely not alone. You are not the only (terribly) unhappily married Christian couple.

See that couple with the arms around each other in church today? You think they have a perfect marriage, right? But I had the privilege of spending two days with them last month in a mediation room because they were headed for divorce (the second divorce for both of them). Fred and I have one of the most intimate and loving marriages of any couple I know – but we regularly seek out the counsel and help of our pastor and our friends.

Don’t buy into the lie that “you’re the only one” who struggles in your marriage. We all do! We’re all in need of the help from the Body. Biblical counseling. Christian conciliation. Ongoing discipleship and accountability. We all need it. Thank God it’s there.

“Just as each of us has one body with many members, and these members do not all have the same function, so in Christ we who are many form one body, and each member belongs to all the others.” Romans 12:4