considerable grace

The other day, I was extremely anxious about a certain meeting I had to have. It was strange to feel so anxious, because the meeting was really about something fun and relaxing. And yet, I was obviously stressed—more and more stressed as the meeting time approached.

And so I prayed. I journaled. And I called my wise and loving friend, Amy L. Her patient listening, insightful questions, and wise counsel were just what I needed to see more clearly what was really going on in the depths of my soul:

I was keenly aware that this person was involved in a number of conflicts and stressful situations that were hurting people I care about. Honestly? I knew he was well-meaning, loving, and trying hard to love God and neighbor. But for whatever reason (immaturity, blindness, emotional and relational cluelessness?), he still left “a wake of hurting, bleeding people” behind him (just as my first coauthor, Judy Dabler, and I did when we were in our 20’s).

And I was afraid to meet with him because I couldn’t fix him. I couldn’t fix the situations or resolve the conflicts (that really had nothing to do with me). I couldn’t protect myself from being hurt by him. And most frighteningly, he reminded me WAY TOO MUCH of my 20-something-self.

So how did I respond to this insight? I repented. I repented of my over-fixation on SELF that was really at the heart of my inappropriate emotions. (I didn’t want to be hurt. I wanted to protect the people I care about. I wanted to fix things. I wanted him to stop doing this!)

I also remembered that just as God had brought wise and mature Christians around me to help me to grow, God was faithfully bringing wise and godly men and women around this person too. God is sanctifying us! And He will complete the task of conforming us to the image of His Son.

And in one of those, "I’ve said this to other people a THOUSAND times! Why did I forget to tell MYSELF this too?!" moments, I also remembered:

1. I have no authority over this man. Other people do (workplace, church). But I don’t. So why I am getting myself into a lather over trying to protect others from him? The leaders are on it. I can pray, encourage, love, and trust that God has put those authorities in place for His purposes. And I am not in authority in this situation.

2. I really don’t even have much power in this situation. I have maybe a little bit of power, a little bit of influence. I have some opportunities to reflect on the situation and share a little counsel or encouragement (like this meeting). But I’m not a close friend of his. I’m not formally being brought in by any of the conflicted parties to assist as a mediator. So really? I don’t have much power.

3. Which would totally freak me out if I felt I had RESPONSIBILITY. Yes. There it is. I was taking on the responsibility for these situations even though I have neither the authority nor the power to “fix them.” Feeling responsible and not having what you need to do anything about it? This is a recipe for stress and misery. (It’s why so many people quit their jobs! They are given tasks to do without the authority or power to do them and then they are blamed when things don’t get done. It’s just awful to feel that way.)

But in my situation, even a cursory review of the fact that I don’t have any authority in this situation and I have only a very SMALL amount of power, QUICKLY showed me that I was taking on responsibilities that were not mine. Oh, sure, I have a certain level of responsibility—to love God and neighbor, to work hard to protect the unity of the saints through the bond of peace, etc. But beyond that, these conflicts were not MY conflicts and I didn’t have to pick them up and carry them as though they were. ("Not my table!" as the waitresses say.")

And so. I went to the meeting feeling happy, content in Christ, eager to enjoy by brother ... and everything went just fine. Whew! This relational stuff is HARD. But really? It’s not even about the relationship with this person, is it? It’s about my heart-orientation and whether I live out what I believe—that God is God; I am not God; God is in control of everything and He is good; I am neither in control of everything nor good. But I am His. And this is His world.

"This is my Father’s world, dreaming, I see His face.
I ope my eyes, and in glad surprise cry, “The Lord is in this place.”

This is my Father’s world, from the shining courts above,
The Beloved One, His Only Son,
Came—a pledge of deathless love.

This is my Father’s world, should my heart be ever sad?
The lord is King—let the heavens ring. God reigns—let the earth be glad.

This is my Father’s world. Now closer to Heaven bound,
For dear to God is the earth Christ trod.
No place but is holy ground."

Thanks to the generosity of my sister in funding the trip, my mom and stepdad are in town for a week-long visit. It’s so great to have them here—the girls are absolutely in grandparent heaven:



And we’re all enjoying the chance to visit and catch-up in person.

But in addition to the good times, my mom and I have been tempted to slip back into a really unpleasant relational cycle. It looks something like this:

1. My mom feels like she’s “not good enough.” That we’re unhappy with her in some way. That she doesn’t measure up.

2. She says something self-deprecating that implies I’m being critical of her. (Which, by the way, in my teens and twenties would have been true—I was a total Proud Jerk Christian who did judge her and did criticize her.)

3. I get defensive and impatient because OF COURSE I want to be all gospel-focused and gospel-infused and only ever communicate love and grace and acceptance; and I want her to KNOW that I’m all accepting and loving and grace-filled.

4. I feel like I’m “not good enough.” That my mom is unhappy with me in some way. That I don’t measure up.

5. Spin. Rinse. Repeat cycle.

Or not.

Yes, the great thing about sanctification is that we really do grow! And within MINUTES of our interacting, I already started to SEE this pattern so then I could talk about it with God and Fred. And Fred could pray for me and encourage me. AND I could (gently, carefully) broach the topic with my mom. She was very responsive and we both communicated our desire to INTERRUPT this shame cycle.

Yes, “Shame Interrupted.” I’m totally using Ed Welch’s words yet again. But I really have been making meals and driving to-from the hotel/hotel pool THINKING and PRAYING about how God’s grace interrupts the shame cycle. We don’t have to be stuck forever in these relational patterns. God really does “lift the pain of worthlessness and rejection.” Just like the title of Dr. Welch’s latest book says:

Shame Interrupted: How God Lifts the Pain of Worthlessness and Rejection

So ... we’re off again. Swimsuited, goggle-y, adorable little girls. A happy and grateful, but tired mom. And hopefully—a grace-experiencing grandma.

Hope your day is a blessed one!

Your friend,
Tara B.

I just printed out this article to go over with Sophia because this is the exact thing we were talking about last night. I just wish I had articulated the solution as well as Ed Welch:

Your Conscience Call Tell You Bad News, Not Good

What a clear statement of the voice that condemns and the voice that frees!

In Sophie’s and my conversation last night, at one point, she literally said, “It feels like there are two people inside of me.” I said that I felt the same way and so did the Apostle Paul:

"For I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate ... I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I keep on doing ... Wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from gthis body of death? Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord!" (Romans 7:15-25)

Oh, how much more readily I proclaim these truths to my daughter, rather than myself. I was even lying in bed just a few minutes ago (after a haunting dream about being attacked by wild wolves—creepy!) thinking about something REALLY stupid I did fifteen YEARS ago. And then another really immature and stupid thing I did over TWENTY years jumped on me. And my blood ran cold. I felt the guilt and shame of these specific memories of my youth and stupidity as though they had just happened.

It was a mere act of faith to force myself to say, “Those things are forgiven. Forgiven. Covered. LET IT GO. Give yourself a break. Stop beating yourself over the head.” (These are the exact words I was saying to Sophie last night. Not hard to see where she gets these perfectionistic, overly-self-critical ideas, eh? Blech!)

So, obviously, this Ed Welch article was particularly well-timed. To quote his words, I pray that we will all believe the “unnatural and counterintuitive” truth that we are forgiven, not just of our sin, but of the guilt of our sin. Amen to that!

I have completed Ed Welch’s soon-to-be-released book, Shame Interrupted: How God Lifts the Pain of Worthlessness and Rejection, and of course it is wonderful. He captures the heart of a shame-based person so fluently that it is easy to forget that he is a professional counselor and theologian. He writes more like a friend and fellow sufferer. I think that is why I have always been so profoundly helped by his books—I never feel like he is talking down to me. ("Here is this great wisdom that I know that you don’t. Receive it. Learn it. Be like me.") No. Whether the topic is depression, addiction, brain disorders, or fear, Dr. Welch writes with humility, humanness, and a stalwart confidence in the reality of God’s saving, adopting, sanctifying, and one day glorifying, grace.

I hope you will pre-order a copy today. I know it is always so good for authors and publishers whenever there is activity in the giganto world of Amazon.com. (Plus, just to be transparent, I do get a few pennies whenever someone clicks through to Amazon from this site and that is always a blessing too.)

I’ll sign off with some of my (random!) notes from this first reading. These are just rough notes—please attribute any strange or confusing language to me and any pearls of wisdom to Ed Welch.

Blessings!
Tara B.

The language of shame ...

Yes, I am living as just resigned. Miserable. Lonely. Self-destructive. Full of doubt. Unworthy of love. Incapable of loving and being loved. Dirty. Bad. Unclean.

People turn away from me. People stare at me in disgust.
I am worthless. Disposable.
The lives of the people around me would be better off with me gone.
Self-destructive. False. Hiding.

I am certain that I deserve the very worst.
I am never quite good enough.

I hate so many things, but more than ever, but I hate myself more.
I’m starting to believe the people who said with words and actions, “I hate you. I wasted my life on you. I wish you had never been born.”

I am not acceptable. I am a failure. A fraud. A liar.
I’m sorry I was born. I’m sorry I’m alive. I’m sorry I’m such a burden.

Shame is unmoved by forgiveness. Forgiveness is the answer for guilt, not shame.
When a judge says, “Not guilty,” and you still feel like scum, the verdict doesn’t bring much help or hope.

Shame lives in community. The shamed person feels worthless, expects rejection, and needs cleansing, fellowship, love, and acceptance.
Any rejection, neglect, or demeaning words by someone who is supposed to love you brings shame.

Was a parent a heavy drinker? You have been called horrible things.
Were parents absent, preoccupied with their own problems, untrustworthy about their commitments, or inconvenienced by your presence? You feel shame.

Shame. It’s why hiding and covering are universal instincts.
Shame always accumulates lies.

Shame. I feel like an outcast. (I don’t belong.) I feel exposed and vulnerable. (What others see is not pretty.) I feel unclean. (Something is wrong with me. I am dirty.)

Depression: I am a miserable, unredeemable failure.
Fear and withdrawal: I avoid people because I obviously don’t belong with them; I don’t fit in.
People look at me and think I’m successful. But really? I am just one misstep away from being found out.

Look at the people who are successful. You often find an ashamed little kid who is still trying to prove his or her worth.
I don’t deserve anything good.
I run away. I’m doing you a favor. I’m ruining your life. I should get far away.

That is hopelessness talking. But there is a way to be cleansed from shame.
God identifies shame. God experienced shame. I am not alone.

What is the way out of shame? The unclean become clean. The clean become holy. The naked are clothed in royal garments. The outcasts are accepted as children of the honored King. You might decide that life is worth living.

“Get away from me. I can’t stand to even see you.” Parenting by anger with contempt.
“Lord, if you are willing, you can make me clean.” Yes.

And this is where sin and shame can get confused. Both feel bad. They are tied together in such a way that any mention of sin will intensify our shame, and any talk about shame will make us feel like worse sinners.

How can the cross take root in our hearts and stay there? The first step is to understand it and make it something we talk about.
Now it’s time to consider the cross. No doubt you already have, but you probably haven’t thought much about the shame of the cross.
Adoption: “See what kind of love the Father has given to us, that we should be called children of God; and so we are.” (1 John 3:1)

The resurrected Jesus & Peter: From shame to acceptance. From acceptance to commissioning.
Put your shame into words. Turn to your Rescuer. Turn toward others. Love.

Distinguish between humiliation and humility: Humiliation says, “I am not good enough to receive help.” Humility says, “Yes, I need a shepherd.” Humiliation is hopeless. You have no advocate. There will be no peace. Humility clings to hope. The Shepherd has said that Jerusalem is up ahead and you will dwell in the house of the Lord forever (Psalm 23:6).

There is meaninglessness to shame. You are nothing, you do nothing. If you are stressed and driven, you are only trying to delay the full brunt of life’s futility.

The remnants of shame still cling to us, but they are losing their grip. We still fail. In our relationships, we can be rejected, ignored, and discarded. We can be betrayed by our spouses. We are the targets of anger, which is almost always demeaning. But we are growing.

Just like when I first read Ed Welch’s When People are Big and God is Small, I was tempted to power through the manuscript for his forthcoming book, Shame Interrupted: How God Lifts the Pain of Worthlessness and Rejection, as a sort of quick intellectual exercise. Three line endorsement written? Check! Evaluated for potential inclusion on my event resource table? Check! Ready to recommend it to others because it will be SO helpful to THEM? Check check!

But then (just like years ago re: “When People are Big and God is Small”), I was sorely convicted that I needed to slow down and read it carefully for me. Myself. The big ol' I. This became blazingly obvious to me when I couldn’t even make it out of the first few pages without some means of journaling my thoughts and emotions (and fears and doubts and condemnations).

Oh, man. Will I ever just get over all of this? I’m 41 years old and as Dr. Welch begins to define shame and unpack shame, I am immediately transformed into a scared little seven year-old girl. What a drag! What a curse. A fallen person in a fallen world dealing with the ramifications of her own sin and the sins done to her—both my omission and commission. Yes, there has been much growth in grace. But also yes, deep pain remains, scars wince, and sounds and smells and words roll across my heart and mind like glass-shard-laden tools of torture.

Who will rescue me from this? From this body of death? Not Dr. Welch, great as he may be. (I do think he’s great!)

"Wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death? Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord!" Romans 7:24

So ... back to face the truth again. With lots of grace of course.

Your friend,
Tara B.

I’ve received such a gift! New Growth Press/CCEF just emailed me the manuscript for Ed Welch’s newest book, Shame Interrupted: How God Lifts the Pain of Worthlessness and Rejection.

I can’t wait to dig into it this weekend. Then, I may have the privilege of being included on its list of endorsers. But even if they don’t use my endorsement, what a joy it is to have this advanced sneak-peak! Fred and I have literally been praying for Dr. Welch specifically about this book for years now. I’m so excited that it is done and will be available soon. (You can pre-order now, but it won’t be available until April 30th. Hey! That’s just one day before Dave’s and my book, Redeeming Church Conflicts, will be published. Fun!)

Anyhoo ...

In addition to running out to purchase this book (I’m saying that based on the little bit I’ve already read tonight and on the fact that Ed Welch is my favorite contemporary author, so I’m trusting that it’s going to be great!), I hope that you will also plan to attend the CCEF Conference on Guilt and Shame this fall. I’m totally bummed that finances simply do not allow me to attend this year—I’ll especially miss getting to LiveBlog the conference. (I’ve had over 7,500 replays on my CCEF LiveBlogs and I just LOVE to LiveBlog.)

With that, I’ll sign off for the night. Hope your Friday was a blessed one! We’ve had a lot of fun being in Valentine-Celebration-Mode around here ... but Ella REALLY doesn’t like the sound of the mixer:







G'nite,
Tara B.

Throughout this last week, I’ve had a number of really awful things I’ve done in the past just JUMP on me. I’ve physically cringed (and sometimes cried out a silent, “I can’t believe I did that!”) when I’ve thought of what I’ve done.

So I thought it was a good time to review Ed Welch’s article and try to lay hold of these truths that I really do claim to believe:

Feeling Guilty? Who Doesn’t?

We’ve had an interesting week around here. (Oh, wait. It’s only Tuesday. So why does it FEEL like we’ve already survived another week? Hmmmm ...)

Anyway.

Sophia wanted to audition for our local theater’s production of “Little Mermaid”, so I went online to purchase a Disney Princess Karaoke CD (didn’t even know such things existed!) and we’ve been dutifully practicing for her audition this Friday.

She’s fine on memorizing the words and she has a sweet, little, on-pitch seven year-old voice. So she may get to be “starfish #3” or something. But here’s the thing ... my little rock-solid, has been on stage since age 3, never faltered in a recital, concertmistress of the youth orchestra at age 5, adrenaline is her friend, no worries, performance-comfortable-kiddo:



... is REALLY nervous about this audition. Like shoulders-tight, giant eyes, tense face, PETRIFIED as we practice level of nervousness.

I asked her yesterday:

"Do you think someone is going to SHOOT YOU, honey?"

She laughed and tucked in next to me and said, “Of course not.”

But as I pressed in, reminding her of all of the times she has served others in front of even hundreds and hundreds of people on gigantic stages like the Alberta Bair, all without flinching; trying to understand what was going on in her heart ...

My seven year-old was very insightful—way more insightful than me—as she said:

"Yes, Mom. I know. But this is the first time someone will be JUDGING ME."

And she’s right.

All of the other times, even if the church or recital hall or concert venue was HUGE, every person in that room was cheering her on. She was not competing with anyone. No one was going to give her a “thumbs down” at the end of her best effort to serve.

She could joyfully, happily, do her best. And her best was good enough.

But Friday? Her best might not even earn her “starfish #3.” She might not get ANY part. She might be rejected.

And wow! But the apple surely does not fall far from the tree. Just like her mother still struggles (occasionally) to this day at age 41, she is afraid of rejection. The fear of man is STRONG in her heart. She doesn’t want to be on the outside of that "inner ring" C.S. Lewis so aptly described. No.

Just like I’m petrified that all of the godly, together, (shirt-tucking-level-of-skinniness) women at this weekend’s CCEF Conference will look at me and judge me (and their judgment will be fair because I really am worthy of their rejection), my daughter is afraid of judgment. By strangers. At a “Little Mermaid” audition in BILLINGS, MONTANA.

Oh. Oh. Oh. We really are a wretched lot!

We really are in desperate need of, not only the SAVING aspect of the gospel, but the ADOPTING (delighting in, forever family, apple of my eye, “I chose YOU”, "I love YOU," “Nothing can keep ME from YOU”) aspect of the gospel too.

Please, God, help us to believe You more than our emotions.

Please, God, help us to FEAR You so that all of these petty fears will become nothing in our hearts and lives.

Please, Lord; please, Father, help us to find our identity so richly rooted in YOU that though this world may reject us; though even father and mother reject us! ... we know with full assurance that You will never reject us. And that this IS enough—for life in this fallen world and life to come in our Real Home.

This is my prayer—for all of us who struggle with the Fear of Man. Especially little potential starfish #3’s.

Happy Tuesday,
Tara B.

PS
This trailer for Ed Welch’s new book, “What Do You Think of Me? Why Do I Care?” couldn’t have come at a more apt time on my FaceBook account, eh?

Oh, what a joy it was to me to serve these dear, beloved women this weekend in Utah! A true privilege and I did my best to serve well—but of course I lost my train of thought more than once. (Is that an over-40 thing? A tired momma thing? Or have I always done that / is it just a Tara thing? Hmmmm ....)

One of the teaching points I wish I had stuck closer to my speaker notes on and taught better was how important it is to understand the differences between justification and sanctification. So just to refresh myself, and also to serve any of my new friends from Utah who might pop on over to this blog, here is an excerpt from Judy’s and my book, Peacemaking Women:

"In Christ, We are Perfect and Growing in Perfection

We will lack deep peace if we fail to understand that we live in tension between what theologians have called the “already” and the “not yet.” We are already perfect by virtue of our union with Jesus Christ, and yet we look forward to the day in glory when our lives and thoughts will match this present reality. We are already perfect, and yet we are growing in perfection. As Martin Luther reminded us: “This life, therefore, is not righteousness but growth in righteousness, not health but healing, not being but becoming, not rest but exercise. We are not yet what we shall be, but we are growing toward it; the process is not yet finished but it is going on. This is not the end but it is the road; all does not yet gleam in glory but all is being purified.”

We struggle and fail. For many Christian women, doubts and fears enter into our relationship with God when we continue to struggle with habitual sins and see areas of our lives that are not God-honoring. We may look at our struggles with the same sins and wonder if we are even saved at all. At times it can feel as though we are complete frauds. Am I “Tara the good Christian woman who loves God, her family, and serves faithfully in Christian ministry?” or am I “Tara the lazy glutton who would rather watch old movies on TV, eat cookie dough, and avoid any and all work?”

And yet we are perfect in Christ. While it is true that we must take sin seriously because it affects our fellowship with God and our testimony of his grace in our lives, we must also remember that we are not “either/or” (either a “saint” or a “sinner”) but “both/and” (both “totally righteous in Christ” and “yet growing in righteousness”). We are both sinner and saint. We are sinners as a result of the fall and indwelling sin, yet saints as a result of Christ’s saving grace.

We are fully justified and we are being sanctified. We live in a state of tension, suspended between these true truths: we are already perfect and holy, yet we are growing in perfection and holiness. Theologians refer to these truths as justification and sanctification. When we are born again by the Holy Spirit (regeneration), we are fully justified—declared righteous—by our holy God. The doctrine of justification means that Christ’s record has been imputed12 to us once and for all. We are already perfect because Christ’s perfect record is now ours. In other words, “God made him who had no sin to be sin for us, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God” (2 Cor. 5:21). If you have put your faith in the finished work of Christ on the cross, when God looks on you he always sees perfection because he sees Christ. You are already perfect.

On the other hand, the doctrine of sanctification means that we are being conformed more and more to the likeness of Jesus. Throughout our Christian life, we are growing in sanctification. We are not made perfect by our own strength or effort. God himself does this work in us. “He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.” (Phil. 1:6) We are growing in perfection (Rom. 8:29). We “. . . are being transformed into his likeness with ever-increasing glory, that comes from the Lord . . .” (2 Cor. 3:18 ). As we live each day, we see evidence of indwelling sin and fallenness. This is because we are not yet perfect. But we have great hope because God is growing us to be more like Jesus ...

As we begin to understand the doctrines of justification and sanctification and trust in God’s grace towards us, we experience shalom as we extend that same grace to others and ourselves."

Hmmmmmmmm ...

I’m not sure I can honorably post this since I’m simultaneously writing a paper check to our dance instructor, while entering it in Quicken, filling an order, juggling some challenging issues related to our co-op day tomorrow (since I still have a fever—ergh), checking my seats on all 20+ of my upcoming flights, and listening to a discussion on writing well ... all while feeling guilty for not doing more for Fred and the girls.

Zowie. I’m convicted. This article is a good reminder and it has some great practical ideas too:

Productivity and Quality Downtime Go Hand in Hand

Hope you are resting from your labors today!

Yours,
Tara B.

I’m continuing to slowly work through Andi Ashworth’s profound book, Real Love for Real Life (scroll down the page to see the book for only $10 rather than the $29 it’s going for on Amazon).

But more than just reading a book, I am prayerfully, slowly experiencing renewal and hope in an area of life that has always been scary, hard, and discouraging to me—homemaking.

Few things paralyze and scare me as quickly as things related to the aesthetic beauty and soul-encouraging loveliness of a simple, lovely craft or card; an aroma-filled, cooked from scratch meal; happy plants and flowers (that aren’t dropping over the sides of their planters with that, “Please! Please! Just a little water! That’s all I ask. Just a tiny drink of water!” plea like my plants regularly are); sewing a seam; gluing on sequins; putting gum drops in icing on graham cracker houses ...

I could go on and on. But I assume that some of you are kind of judging me right now. Not meanly. Not even harshly. But just with that, “Why is that so hard for you, Tara?!”, genuinely confused and sort of critical thought.

"You just put the salt and pepper on the chicken and pop it in the oven! IT’S SO EASY."

“Take a little glitter and a little glue; put your tissue paper here and your pins there and POOF! Handmade Christmas gifts. DONE!”

(And OH! How many patient and kind women have said to me and shown me ...) “This is how you thread a needle/bobbin. Forward. Backward. So easy! So lovely!”

Yes, yes. It’s strange that I’m so fearful and apparently incompetent in these areas of life. But hey! Put my weakness in the context of any of your weaknesses and I bet you’ll move to a more charitable heart. (Any of you ever get scared speaking front of large groups? Would you like to coach a room full of international MBA students on a year’s worth of business law? Happy HAPPY places for me and probably for some of you too. But then there’s homemaking / artistic things ...)

Something deep inside of me is a) genuinely SCARED; and b) incredibly slow to GET IT and RETAIN IT. It’s irrational, I know. It’s dumb, I know. But I’m not good at it; it’s not easy for me; it’s not comfortable for me.

But I am learning. And I am growing. And I have committed to Sophia and Ella to intentionally do my best to develop relationships with people in the church who can HELP US in these (and many other) areas of life that are tremendously weak for me. I tell Sophie all the time as we take little steps into cooking or sewing or whatever:

"I want you to be equipped with the basics in so many areas of life—theology, finances/world markets, literature, philosophy/logic, math/science, history/geography, languages, the arts ... and yes, domestic skills too. Wherever the Lord leads you in life; whatever your little mission field corner of the world ends up looking like; I want you to at least have a working understanding of the basics so that you can make discerning and wise choices.

When it comes to certain areas? I trust that you will far surpass me, dear. It’s my JOY (and my job) to help you to grow far beyond my abilities, insomuch as the Lord allows."

Homemaking and domestic skills are definitely in that “I assume my daughters will far surpass me” category. But of course, homemaking and hospitality and care giving are WAY more than cooking or sewing, they are heart attitudes of service and love. And I have never read a more encouraging, helpful, inspirational and yet practical, NOT SCARY book on these topics than Andi Ashworth’s Real Love for Real Life.

I’m truly underlining and taking notes from practically every paragraph (and I RARELY do that, not even for a great Puritan or CCEF book). But it’s that good.

Here are just a few snippets from my morning read during Sophie’s swim class:

"Life presents us with a series of one-time opportunities to show people they matter ... Busyness sends out a message to people that you don’t have time for them ... Simple and ordinary acts of welcome and inclusion show people that their lives matter."

“What happens in the context of a home that doesn’t happen anywhere else? Where do feelings of security and insecurity come from? Where do we find out if our life has significance and purpose? What stays with us for the rest of our lives, helping to build and shape the people we become? When handled with care, home enables a person or family to move out into the world with deep resources ... close relationships forged through the reciprocal experience of caring and being cared for.”

“For guest and host alike, home is a place of freedom from performance.”

"Our willingness to let others see our imperfections and to receive them in theirs opens the way to honest exchange. It’s risky. Facades crumble, and we are exposed as the vulnerable, still-on-the-journey-but-haven't-arrived-yet people that we are. But we also are able to offer grace ..."

“The costly act of opening our door to others forces abstract commitments to loving the neighbor, stranger, and enemy into practical and personal expressions of respect and care for actual neighbors, strangers, and enemies ...”

(Quoting Tolkein’s “The Hobbit”) "Elrond’s house was perfect, whether you liked food, or sleep, or story-telling, or singing, or just sitting and thinking best, or a pleasant mixture of them all ... All of them, the ponies as well, grew refreshed and strong in a few days there. Their clothes were mended as well as their bruises, their tempers and their hopes."

That’s what I’m praying for; that’s what I’m seeking help for ... My dream is that one day, even with all of my weaknesses and brokenness, I might be able to help provide a home, one little home, where hopes can be mended, people know they matter, and everyone is free from the crushing requirements of performance and perfectionism because Christ is all the performance and perfection any of us ever need.

Amen and amen. I pray that it will be so.

Blessings to you and yours,
Tara B.

Yesterday, I was re-reading my notes from The Heart of a Servant Leader: Letters from Jack Miller, and this set of paraphrases/excerpts really jumped out at me. (Long time readers of this blog and people who know me in real life will undoubtedly know why.)

There is much more to this letter than my little notes. Pastor Jack was very gracious and encouraging, but also confrontational:

- Many surface worries; overly conscientious (overly self-critical) in work habits; keeps endlessly and restlessly busy working; intense

- Underlying fears which fuel the surface worries; fears about almost everything ... appearance, lack of ministry or job success, relationships, acceptance with God, financial concerns

- It would be hard to have so many fears and not be angry with people, circumstances, and God.

- He is locked in unbelief and ignorance of God’s holiness and love; controlled by a completely negative evaluation of himself and his future.

- It’s easy to want to find emotional relief and comfort in bodily pleasures—to try to get away from haunting insecurity and nagging guilt (and fear!); these often confirm our judgment that we are WORTHLESS

- How can he break out of this pattern? Yes, secular psychology might help bring to the surface core elements; but it can offer no real hope because it does not offer the real solutions.

- What to do? Need a foundation of faith: the inward experience and sure conviction that his sins are forgiven and that he is not an orphan. He is loved by his loving God the Father.

- Inner life? Preach to him? No. Will deepen his guilt. He needs to know there is solid hope for him in the Lord and in his salvation. He needs to discover God’s grace and how God gives objective peace as a free gift through faith. And he needs to discover how this can touch the central insecurities of his life.

- All of this in the context of affirmation: the knowledge that we love him unconditionally and we accept him as he is. We ourselves have gone through similar dark conflicts and eventually emerged on the other side by God’s grace.

- Inherently Mike’s problem is that in his unbelief he sees himself as a special case; all he sees is his insecurity. The key to his thinking is found in his whole mindset which even plans as though he were an orphan. We must help him to reject this negativistic thinking as unbelief and claim his relationship with God as his Father through faith in Jesus Christ.

Yes, indeed.

Oh that we would all help each other to reject unbelief and to believe the promises of God in Christ! Many of us really are prone to live as orphans. But when our relationships are marked by forgiveness, forbearing, acceptance ... LOVE? Well. Somehow the love of our brothers and sisters in Christ really does help us to believe that God loves us too. And of course, only God’s love could ever enable us to love our brothers and sisters in Christ, right?

(I read a quote yesterday that said something like, "Anyone can be kind to a king. It takes a real man to be kind to his brother.")

I’m praying today that God’s truth and grace will touch the “central insecurities” of our lives. And then that truth and grace will begin to splash over onto all of our relationships.

Hope you have a lovely Saturday!

Yours,
Tara B.

God is giving me a great gift these days—the gift of time with family and friends, serving, learning, growing together.

In the last three days alone, I’ve had the amazing privilege of laughing, crying, SPEAKING BIBLICAL TRUTH, and praying with three other women who also can be tempted to believe shame-based LIES about themselves (just like me). Each conversation has been different, but there have been similar themes:

1. Not being perfect. (At homemaking, spiritual disciplines, parenting, finances, physical disciplines, etc.)

2. Crushing despair. ("I’m such a failure!!")

3. Instinctual resolve to DO BETTER. BE BETTER. FIX IT. (I just have to read one more book on child-rearing. I just have to be more disciplined with money / food / exercise / quiet times. If only I could STOP doing this / START doing that, THEN I just KNOW I would be OK.)

4. Trying trying TRYING to hold it together. Not yell at a child. Not overeat/overindulge in (exercise / television / alcohol). Be the perfect Titus 2 Spiritual Mother who can FIX that difficult person. Be SO loving and SO patient that our selfish, self-centered, mean, unloving (LOST!) mother/father/daughter/son SEES JESUS and REPENTS and POOF! We suddenly have one of those mature, kind, loving, gracious relationships that all the other Christians have.

(Because look at them! Their kids don’t get hooked on meth. Their marriages aren’t tag-team-parenting / co-existing / living parallel lives DEAD like ours. THEY don’t have problems with credit card debt / internet p*rn / prescription drug abuse. They never yell at their kids. Their s*x life is always happy, safe, warm, and mutually enjoyable. Always. They never go an entire week/month/DAY without spending focused time in prayer and Bible study. No no no. Not THEM. I’m the only one.)

5. (Or really. Back to Step 1, right?) Failing. Of course. Not being perfect. Of course. But rather than reaching out to a spiritually mature and trustworthy friend or an ordained church leader for help, counsel, exhortation, encouragement, discipline, accountability, friendship, LOVE ... NO NO NO. I could NEVER talk about this stuff with my (Bible study members, women’s study members, prayer group, pastor, friend). No way! What would they THINK of me? How would they respond?! ("You call yourself a CHRISTIAN?! What kind of Christian would ....").

NO THANK YOU. I’ll just hide away while things get worse and worse. And I’ll TRY HARDER. And if I can get my act together, THEN I might, you know, GO to that “Christian Fellowship THING” with all of the other good, together, godly, disciplined, loving, mature, super smart and super PERFECT people. Uh-huh. Yup. But until then? I’ve go to keep this TRUTH from THEM and I’ve got to fix myself and clean up my act and GET IT TOGETHER.

6. Which leads us right back to good ol' Step 2. Despair.

Or does it?

NOT ALWAYS.

Sometimes. By God’s sweet and wonderful grace, even though WE may be standing there (or, more likely, curled in the fetal position, hiding away from everything and everyone) ...

Sometimes, grace breaks through.

Usually, this happens in relationship. Sometimes, sure, a book. You bet. God has ministered greatly to me over the years through various books, poems, songs, etc.

But I can clearly remember time after time after TIME when God graciously and lovingly stopped me in my TRACKS with BIBLICAL TRUTH. His Word. His Son. By His Spirit. Someone was loved by God and God’s loved poured through THEM to ME and they looked me in the eyes, put their arms around my shoulder, and said:

"Tara. I love you. I do. And I’m not going anywhere. I’m for you and that means I’m for you for the long haul. God will never give up on you and I will never give up on you.

But sweetie? Right now? The way your thinking? The way your emotions are driving your thoughts and thus, your attitudes and actions and words? Honey? I love you. But you’re wrong. You’re just wrong.

Just like me, in this moment of (pain / suffering / fear / temptation / failure / confusion / conflict), your theology is pretty much flying out of your brain and RIGHT out of the window. You’re forgetting what I know you know to be true. You’re believing a lie more than you are believing truth. Your three enemies (Satan, the world, your Old Man) are having a field day and I’m here, as your friend, to tell them all to SHUSH. Be quiet. STOP.

I’m going to stand between you and the lie and I’m going to take the bullet for you. I’m throwing my body in between you and the lie. I’m taking the blow. Because right now, I can see the lie and you can’t. You’re suffering. Your heart is broken. You are afraid. I get it. I’ve been there. I’ll be there again in the future (and then, when MY theology flies out the window and I’m the one tempted to believe the lie, I know that YOU will jump in between me and my enemy and YOU will be the one who sees clearly and can help me because that’s what Christian fellowship—REAL CHRISTIAN FELLOWSHIP—is).

Christian fellowship is not this insipid, shallow, Godless gathering of together people who spend the entire EVENT trying to look good while sizing up everyone around them. Christian fellowship is Body Life. Family life. REAL LIFE.

From the moment of our conversion, we are not “just saved”. We are saved (justified) and ADOPTED. Adopted just to a Father? No. Adopted to a Father, by a Son, into a FAMILY—the church. God gives us His Body because life is hard. We will suffer. We will be tempted and at times we will fail. Our struggles and life complications will be far, far beyond our resources.

So hear the truth: You do not have the resources in and of yourself to save yourself. You don’t have what you need in your own strength to grow in grace. You can’t encourage yourself. You can’t feed yourself and nourish yourself.

Just like me, dear darling beloved friend, you need someone bigger and stronger than yourself. You need the Savior. And I need the Savior. So let’s run to HIM.

Are you guilt-ridden over a past sin? OK. Let’s talk about that. Get it out. Get it all out. Then confess it and believe that you are forgiven. FORGIVEN. Christ’s death was enough. God’s wrath is satisfied. You have a clean slate. You can think about that memory without it crushing you because you are forgiven. Now. Let’s move on.

Are you currently struggling with an addiction? Are you caught in an ongoing, habitual sin? There is grace for you! You are NOT the only one. God is with you. He’s not withholding His love until you get your act together. It’s His love that is convicting you; it’s His love that is helping you. Now. Let’s get you some help. Spiritual, physical HELP. Friendship. Counsel. Medical intervention as needed. HELP. You are not alone. I love you. God loves you. There are lots of people in our church who have struggled just like you. There is grace and help in your time of need. Don’t be afraid. Don’t hide out. Things get worse when we hide away. Bring it into the light. You’re going to be OK. Guaranteed. God is with you. You’re going to get through this.

“BUT WHAT IF ...” Ah. Yes. Catastrophizing. Yes, yes, yes. I know this well. Your mind starts clicking along; your thoughts are spinning and spinning. You are crazily, frantically grasping for a SOLUTION for THE solution. You think, “I can keep them safe! I CAN! All I have to do is ...” And then you exhaust yourself because, rather than striving to be WISE and CAREFUL, while trusting in the goodness and sovereignty of God. You are trying to BE God." You are trying to control every possible factor so that you can GUARANTEE an outcome. Yup. I’ve been there. I know that way of thinking and living FOR SURE. But the thing is, since we’re NOT the Holy Spirit and we do NOT have unlimited power and insight and resources and goodness and truth and LOVE; since we do NOT sovereignly control every molecule in the universe so we cannot (keep our children safe / save our unrepentant spouse / deliver our adult child from an addiction / guarantee that we’ll have enough money to buy food to eat) ... we make ourselves crazy with worry and anxiety when we try.

News flash! You’re not God. This is actually a good thing. A GREAT thing. You’re not God but God IS God. And He is trustworthy, good, sovereign, in control. He didn’t wake up this morning and say, “OH MY STARS! Why in the WORLD did I ever save that Tara Barthel?! Look at the MESS she’s in. Grrrrrrr. She’s really a lousy excuse of a Christian. I’m SHOCKED, just SHOCKED at her. I can’t BELIEVE IT! She’d better get her act together or ... OR ...”

Or WHAT, friends? Seriously. Finish the sentence. Could God possibly say, “I’m going to deny Myself. I’m going to fail to uphold My own covenant. I’m going to look at My Son on the Cross and say, ‘Nope. That’s not enough. In ADDITION to the death of the Son of Glory, Tara ALSO has to be a BETTER PERSON and THEN, maybe, just THEN, if she’s GOOD ENOUGH, THEN I will be her Father and love her.’”

(Earthly fathers say that. Earthly mothers too. Ex-husbands and current husbands and ex-wives and current wives say that. Our children throw that in our faces. “Friends” do too. BUT NOT GOD.)

God could no more violate His covenant and walk away from His child than you or I could chop off our right arm and not notice it. It’s not going to happen. God saves sinners. God chooses sinners. God loves sinners and He gives us the gift of repentance and faith and then He justifies sinners—BY GRACE. BY FAITH. Not by works.

Re-read Ephesians 1-3. Re-read Romans! Re-read Titus 3. Saturate your mind with truth. Reach out for help from a friend. BE A FRIEND. Help one another to believe truth more than you believe lies.

This is what I’ve been up to this week. And oh! It’s been hard. And delightful. Grueling. And refreshing. I’m shakin' in my Keds and feeling vulnerable at every turn. And I’m filled to overflowing with confidence and strength.

And mostly? I’m grateful. Grateful for the opportunity to serve. (I can’t believe these dear people have invited me into their lives. What a gift.) And seriously, extremely, off-the-chart GRATEFUL that these people are my FRIENDS. They help ME. They remind ME that I’m not alone. Every time I get to encourage them and remind them? I’m reminding myself too.

And boy oh boy do I need THAT!

SO ...

I hope that catches you up a bit on why I’m not writing as much lately. Thanks to all of your who take the time to say hello and pass along a FaceBook greeting or personal email (and some of you even send REAL MAIL—Hi Rachelle & the Southside Fellowship gals who are going through LTGIR!). I appreciate your encouragement and I appreciate your patience when my time online is limited.

Hope you have a lovely, GRACE-FILLED, Friday!

Remember:

- You are not alone.

- God will never give up His children.

- OF COURSE you struggle with sin and unbelief; the Old Man remains until Heaven; we have real enemies in satan and the world.

- The answer is not to try harder and do better and be better; the answer is to turn to Jesus Christ in saving faith. Being in very nature God, He did not count equality with God as something to be grasped, but made Himself nothing and took on a servant’s nature. He lived the life you cannot live. He died the death that you deserve. He paid the penalty for your sins (past, present, and future).

- The same power that raised Christ from the dead is the power that is at work in you. Right now. Today. When you are at your absolute WORST, God’s love for you does not waver. God IS changing you. He WILL complete this work in you. Run to your Savior. Don’t try to save yourself (that will only lead to despair). Trust in God; trust also in Christ. In your Father’s house are many mansions. Jesus has gone there to prepare a place for you.

- Nothing can separate you from God’s love—not angels or demons; nothing in Heaven, on the earth, or under the earth. Not even your sin can thwart God’s perfect purposes. You can trust Him. He will never leave or forsake you. Father and mother may leave and forsake you. But God is for you.

Sending you love,
Tara B.

People often chuckle when I say this, but I assure you it’s true: I have never read my own book. Well, at least not since it was published into an actual book book. (I did read draft after draft after DRAFT of it when we were actually writing the silly thing.)

ANYWAY—sometimes I think that I really should read it cover to cover because the few times I’ve looked up something in it, I’ve been pleasantly surprised at how there are parts that, you know, might actually be relatively well-written and hopefully helpful to people. (Until recently, every time I tried to read portions of it, I only saw its weaknesses.)

Like today for example ...

I was looking up some recommended resources on the topic of shame (because I truly believe that the best parts of our book are the recommended resources lists at the end of each chapter) and I read a little of the actual chapter itself. Oh! It was like I was having coffee with Judy Dabler and she was ministering to my soul. Again.

So I thought I’d share an excerpt with you too. Hope you enjoy!

Yours,
Tara B.

Excerpts from Chapter 10 of Peacemaking Women, “SHAME”
by Judy Dabler and Tara Barthel

When a woman is filled with ungodly shame, her response to her own sin or fallenness is to say, “Something is wrong with me and I need to work harder to make this right.” Ungodly shame is a self-indictment that overrides the truth of the gospel that Jesus Christ loves me and in him I am accepted. Another way to think about godly shame and ungodly shame is to note that while godly shame may have a component of legitimate and appropriate guilt (“I did wrong”), ungodly shame condemningly says, “I am wrong.” Sadly, ungodly shame directs people away from God and others, effectively trapping them in a lifestyle of shame-based living. Ungodly shame is an unbearable burden ...

What is the cure for guilt? What is the cure for shame?

Nearly every believer is able to rapidly answer the first question. The cure for guilt is forgiveness. However, few are able to articulate the cure for shame without a great deal of reflection. And yet, Scripture speaks volumes about how to cure shame. To be women of shalom, it is crucial to understand how the concepts of adoption, intimacy, love, and delight impact our experience of shame. These gifts of grace help us to trust that we are accepted, just the way we are. The acceptance we have in Christ because we are adopted into his family is the surgeon’s scalpel that begins to carve away the festering poison of shame. The intimacy, love, and delight we experience because of our adoption all provide the healing balm that soothes the painful effects of shame.

Adoption. When we know without a doubt that God has accepted us, we come to understand the amazing truth that we are brought into membership in God’s family forever (1 John 3:1). The doctrine that speaks most powerfully to our guilt is justification and the doctrine that speaks most directly to our ungodly shame is adoption. While the cure for our guilt rests only in the forgiveness of God, the cure for our shame is found in God’s loving acceptance through adopting us into his family. Adoption washes our shame away in the same way that justification wipes away our guilt. Adoption says, “I love you, you belong to me, nothing will take you out of my hand. Nothing about you will cause me to reject you. Anything wrong with you will not cost us our relationship. I am God and I know you completely. And I love you” (cf. John 10:29; Rom. 8:15–17; Gal. 4:4–7; 1 John 3:1) ...

Intimacy. Intimacy is a biblical concept that permeates Scripture from beginning to end. It is the relational experience of knowing others as they really are and being known for who we really are. The desire for intimacy is strongly related to how God has made us in his own image. Although sufficient in himself, God desires that we know and love him, hence the First Commandment (“You shall have no other gods before me”) and the Greatest Commandment (“Love the Lord your God with all your heart . . .”). As people made in his image, we share the same desire to be intimately known and fully loved. Our creation in God’s image assumes intimacy as a normal part of relationships. Yet shame, that lethal disease, eats away at our hearts—especially the place where intimacy is desired and embraced. Shame destroys the desire and ability to be known by others. Shame kills the desire and ability to know and love others.

If genuine love flows out of true intimacy, and if love for God and others is our greatest calling, intimacy is a vital part of our human experience. We will not be vulnerable with people unless we know that we are safe with them because they love us intimately …

It is helpful to note that in this John 10 passage, intimacy is a crucial aspect of loving leadership and ministry. So often, our counseling with believers touches on the topic of how difficult it is to know Christian leaders. The hurts that are experienced by our pastors and elders often make them withdraw from people. The hurts that are experienced by all believers lead us to withdraw from relationships as well. When Christians are deprived of intimate, loving relationships with one another, shame often flourishes because we fear letting others see our weaknesses. Mistrust, bitterness, unforgiveness, and fear stand in the way of deep connection in the body of Christ.

Love. Paul gives the Philippians much to consider about the importance and wonder of having intimate human relationships when he writes, “And this is my prayer: that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight, so that you may be able to discern what is best and may be pure and blameless until the day of Christ, filled with the fruit of righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ—to the glory and praise of God” (Phil. 1:9–11). Paul uses powerful words—abounding love—to describe a powerful concept. Love doesn’t trickle in when love abounds and intimacy is present. Love surges forward—more and more. And shame flees in the face of love ...

Acceptance and delight. We can love many people but delightful acceptance with intimate knowledge is a foretaste of the exquisite grace that awaits us when we are reunited with Jesus Christ face-to-face. Delight is a special form of acceptance that profoundly heals shame ...

Delight dispels shame. Shame cannot breathe or live in the flood of loving, rejoicing delight. Of course, the ultimate foundation for our delight is found in Jesus Christ. He is the Lover of our Souls who delights in us and eternally dispels our shame. Even if we do not yet experience delight in earthly relationships, we can rest secure in God’s delight in us.

From Shame to Shalom
Even as I (Tara) have spent the day working on this chapter, I have struggled with shame. My husband is caring for our little baby so that I can concentrate on writing. Shame tells me, “If you weren’t such a lousy wife, you would take better care of your husband.” I look around my home and see my attempts at cobbling our used furniture and old lamps into a warm and inviting home. Shame whispers, “If you were a better homemaker, you would know how to decorate and create a beautiful environment. You can’t even take care of a home. There’s dog hair everywhere.” We are working on having our daughter, Sophia, take naps in her crib instead of in our arms. But as she cries in protest, my shame indicts me, “You don’t have any idea what you’re doing with your baby. What makes you think you can be a mother?”

Can you imagine? Even as I am here meditating hour after hour on the many truths of Scripture as to how the gospel speaks directly to my shame, I still struggle. Some of you reading this will not be able to relate to what I’m saying. I thank God for that! I am always refreshed and blessed to share fellowship with people who do not struggle with the foreboding, horrible, vague sense that they are not good enough. Their confidence and trust in the Lord is like a refreshing breeze or a sweet melody. To not live in shame is a glimpse of heaven.

But others of you know exactly what I am talking about. You know what it is like for your shame to condemn you. You, too, struggle with horrible thoughts of your own unworthiness, dirtiness, and inadequacies. Dear sisters in Christ, there is hope! Let us run to our saving, forgiving, adopting, and accepting God. The Prince of Peace knows our hearts, our pasts, our futures, and our every deed—and he delights in us. God delights in you! He, in his awesome act of love, offered himself as a sacrifice, that we might live eternally as righteous children of God. Forever.

To know that Jesus knows us, loves us, accepts us, and has declared us righteous, is the first step toward seeing shame forever washed away. Being known, loved, and accepted by others dispels that shame even more. When we, as fallen sinful creatures, can view ourselves with the eyes of Christ, shalom abounds richly. In the light of the love of Christ, shame gives way to shalom. In grateful and humble response we cry: “Thanks be to God for his indescribable gift!” (2 Cor. 9:15).

CCEF’s Latest Enewsletter contained a link to a fantastic article by David Powlison on personal liturgies. Dr. Powlison writes:

"When I counsel with people who struggle with deep feelings of shame, guilt, and regret, I sometimes suggest that they design a personalized liturgy. In what follows, I walk through the example of a woman who has had an abortion, and all that led up to that choice, and all that follows in someone whose conscience is alive. But you can tailor it to whatever struggle you or another person needs to deal with. Where is your struggle? God welcomes all who are weary with sin."

A Personal Liturgy of Confession

I hope you had a good rest last night. I was up quite a bit because Sophia spiked a fever of 102 for some strange reason (no respiratory or gastrointestinal symptoms, just extreme exhaustion and a fever) — so of course I heard every little moan she made and kept checking her temp throughout the night when she stirred so that I could give her Tylenol. Poor love. After a quiet, cuddly, clingy day yesterday, she slept from 6:30PM until 8:00AM, so she’s obviously fighting some little bug.

To be able to stay home with her all day, I ran out at 7:30AM and did all sorts of errands while Fred was still home with her. What a productive time of day!

Then I came home, made Fred’s lunch, got him out the door, and had the joy of resting (on my left side of course) while Sophie read Ella and me The World Narnia Collection. (My favorite part of this little “read to Ella and Momma” routine we’ve gotten into is her VOICES. She is totally the Emma Thompson of five year olds. Her voices and accents are hysterical.)

A little Bach cello suites in the background. (Could you EVER tire of them? I don’t think I could. One of my favorite memories of life was getting to hear Yo Yo Ma perform them at Orchestra Hall in Chicago — and we had splurged for stage seating so we were literally FEET away from him. It was astounding to get to see AND hear him play the suites. A once in a lifetime opportunity for us.)

A sweet parade of baby dolls being cared for by Big Sister Sophie. (Starting with her smallest doll, she has cared for, diapered, entertained, dressed, fed, and loved five little babies this morning.)

All of this adds to my overall sense of gratitude for God’s astounding grace to a forgiven, justified, adopted sinner like me. And I really am striving to REST in HIS TRUTH this morning.

But here is one thing that is battling in my heart and tempting me to respond, instead, like an orphan:

Yesterday, I stupidly and totally WITHOUT EXCUSE accidentally sent our family’s little "Ella’s coming / big sale on LTGIR" email to someone who had, last year, requested to have her email address removed.

Sure. It sounds like a tiny thing when I say it right here. BUT MAN did I feel AWFUL.

I try to be SO careful about guarding names and email addresses and NEVER giving them to ANYONE. I totally hate SPAM and I try to be SO clear about how easy it is to NOT receive emails from us.

And then I mess up the location where I pulled the emails yesterday and totally blow it by sending this poor woman another email.

Seriously? I was SO tempted to just FREAK OUT. But then. But then.

- I remembered all of the gospel teachings we’ve been reviewing this year at church and in our women’s study and I quickly saw how my response was really just PRIDE. Why should I freak out when I make such a dumb mistake? Do I really think I have it THAT together? Give me a break.

- Rather than responding like a rejected or despised orphan, I was called to respond like the beloved, adopted child of God I am. That meant I should a) ask God to forgive me; b) ask this woman to forgive me; and c) CAREFULLY delete her email off of EVERYTHING in our family’s address book and be more careful in the future too.

I’m sure this doesn’t sound like much of a battle (or victory) to those of you who don’t struggle with perfectionism, shame, fear of man, etc. But it was a true evidence of God’s grace to me.

And I am grateful.

May we all walk through our days today with repentance, confession, and FAITH—not in our ability to get our acts together, but in God’s saving, sanctifying, sustaining, never-changing love for His children.

Blessings to you!

Yours,
Tara B.

FindingGrace has a sweet gospel-soaked post that I encourage you to read:

Making Mistakes

I really enjoyed this post over at Christ is Deeper Still:

When Opposed and Reviled

It’s only one paragraph–but it’s definitely worth the read.

I’ve tried to write this post a few times now, but each version has sounded too whiny to my ear so I’ve deleted them all. (Especially because in my heart, I haven’t really even felt whiny! Well, maybe I had a whiny heart initially. )

But not today. Not now. Not after reading this post from Carolyn McCulley. How could I be anything other than grateful? And grateful, I am.

But I would also like to try to put words together to articulate a few things that have struck me recently as being NOT HELPFUL. My hope is that I will avoid such things in the future (!!) and also maybe give you dear blog friends a little chuckle and a little help avoiding such things too.

So here is my brief list of things I have recently found to be NOT HELPFUL:

1. My insurance agent (who I really like by the way!) saying something to the effect of, “I always make them sign a form saying that there is no damage to my rental car when I return it” RIGHT AFTER I had just told him that our rental car company for the CCEF Conference is claiming that we owe them $1,000 (!!!) for damage that, OF COURSE, we didn’t do. Good advice? Sure. But the timing is a little off, don’t you think? (Ergh!)

2. Anonymous criticism. You know, someone is unhappy with ME, so they tell someone ELSE, who then confronts me with vague, nameless accusations in an EMAIL that is cc’d to a LARGE number of people. Is the offended person encouraged to talk with me directly so that I could, I don’t know, learn from the criticism, confess any sins and offenses I may have done, etc. etc.? Ummmmm ... nope. Am I ever told the offended person’s name so that I could try to follow-up and, well, I don’t know, do that “peacemaking thing”? Ummmmm ... nope. (And ironically, every single person involved has been well-taught the foundational biblical peacemaking principles. Yup, you betcha, sure.) So I would put this one squarely in the “not so helpful” category.

3. A rude and belittling scheduler for a hospital test for my four year-old daughter. You know–right after I am told that my precious daughter’s medical condition is such that, not only do we need to get her in immediately for a hospital test (and the only available day is, of course, the VERY DAY of our Nativity Play wherein Sophie is one of three angels and I am, hypothetically, supposed to be RUNNING the play) AND that I need to somehow figure out how our family can afford to get her to Denver to see a specialist, etc. etc. ... trying not to be too scared; trying to trust in Christ; but being a typical concerned Momma ... I’m just thinkin' that a rude and belittling scheduler for the hospital is (altogether now!) not helpful.

4. Giving advice on how to BETTER TIME A MEAL at the exact moment your friend (let’s call her LARA), who has absolutely NO confidence in her ability to cook ANYWAY, is completely embarrassed that something that should’ve taken 20 minutes to cook (and for which she compulsively allowed 40 minutes to cook “JUST IN CASE”), has taken an hour so OF COURSE, her guests are there eating side dishes with no main course for the beginning of the meal (!!). Good advice? Probably! I don’t know. I was too swirled-up in my crazy-ol-Tara-brain to hear much of anything that was going on anyway (b/c I just couldn’t BELIEVE that I had messed up another meal AGAIN! ergh! sensing a pattern with the ol' “pride / perfectionism / a mature person would just laugh at herself, etc. etc.”??) ... but the timing could’ve been better. Maybe not at the moment of my failure, eh? Maybe not in front of a table full of people? (I barely stayed at the table. I just wanted to run out of the room and cry.)

5. But before you all bombard me with giant confrontations of how I’m too hard on myself, let me please tell you the REAL cause of this post because it has actually been brewing for months now in the back of my crazy little head. It has to do with one of my (MANY!) annoying habits and immaturities–my propensity to be too self-critical. Have I been this way my entire life? Yah, you betcha, sure. Have I been confronted about it for, oh, say, 38 years? Yup. Is it pride? Yes! Lack of faith! Of course! Am I growing in grace? My theology says YES, so that’s what I’m banking on–but I sure do still have a LONG LONG way to go yet. So I never question why people confront me on it (I know it’s one of the uglier aspects of me); but it just seemed like this fall, for weeks and weeks, I had an OCEAN of CRITICISM just POUNDING me like waves pummeling over a little broken twig on a beach. Emails. Calls. In person visits. Criticism upon criticism–I swear, I just never have that hard of a time figuring out why people become agoraphobic. Does this mean that I don’t think that criticism is helpful? Of course not! I need a lot of it–obviously. But something about not crushing a bruised reed rings gently in my heart and mind–and I really do pray that God will remind me that too much criticism (especially for someone who is TOO SELF-CRITICAL!) might not be the most helpful thing.

Whew. OK. There it is. Too whiny? (Hah! Like you could confront/criticize me now, eh? ) You can! You can!

I really hope this just gives you a tiny picture into the past few months of my life–and my days this week–and the last few hours of even this day.

'Course, what do I have to COMPLAIN about? Absolutely nothing. My life is luxurious and easy and most importantly, NOT MY OWN. What are these inconveniences? Nothing. What if father and mother reject me? God will never reject me. I have a Redeemer and that is what I need and could never merit. Plus, He even calls me His friend–His daughter. Well! That is BEYOND all that I could ever DREAM. Everything else is just icing on the cake. And I have lots of icing and lots of cake ... a warm home, clean water, abundant food, a loving husband and daughter–how many millions can’t even imagine such a life?

So please hear this post in the tenor it is meant. And if it’s too whiny, let me know (maybe a private email? a gentle, private email?) so that I can tear it down.

Sending you love–

Yours,
Tara B.

I can’t remember if we included it or not–but I sure hope that we have Isaiah 62 in our chapter on “shame” (in Peacemaking Women).

I was re-reading it again this weekend, praying it for myself, for our church, for The Church, for a friend–and I was struck by just how much this passage of scripture emphasizes the aspects of the gospel that speak directly to our temptation to ungodly shame:

- A new name that the Lord bestows.
- A crown of beauty, glorious.
- No longer Forsaken and Desolate because now? The Lord’s Delight is in Her.
- Sought Out. A City No Longer Forsaken.

I don’t know about you–but I’m feeling neither glorious nor sought after these days. With all of the suffering in our Body? It would be easy to be tempted to feel forsaken.

But what is truth? What is Truth? Read Isaiah 62. Meditate on it. Chew on it. Preach it to yourself–yes, individually (God saves individual people!), but also corporately (the Church, the Bride, the Body).

"Behold, the Lord has proclaimed to the end of the earth: Say to the daughter of Zion, “Behold, your salvation comes; behold, his reward is with him, and his recompense before him.” And they shall be called The Holy People, The Redeemed of the Lord ..." (Isaiah 62:11-12)

Yes, Lord. Amen & amen.
Let it be for it is so.

Prayerfully,
Tara B.

'Twill take you 30 seconds to read, but it’s definitely worth it:

People Can’t Talk to Pastors

What a nasty day I am having.

My heart is BLACK.

I am grouchy, sad, and frustrated.

My day started out bad and then went downhill from there.

I tried to blog out a bit of my frustration this morning–but then immediately DELETED it. (Did any of you read my ranting in your automatic notice? How bad was I, I wonder?)

So now I just need to survive the afternoon without taking my exhaustion and frustration out on poor, sweet, darling Sophie who is kind and cuddly and full of kisses even when her momma is a JERK. Nice kid.

Hey! Even in the two minutes it’s taken me to write this, my day is looking up! The WORLD’S BEST UPS DRIVER just brought us a package ... so I think that Sophie MAY have some new arts & crafts to keep her occupied this afternoon. (I used the free shipping off of Amazon to get some goodies for her as soon as Fred and I TANKED with this flu last Saturday.)

We did a super fun needlepoint yesterday and those little circle thingies that you put on the pattern and then iron together (I have no idea what they are called) on Monday. Today is, I think, color-by-number day.

So ... thanks for listening to me whine. Sometimes I just feel so isolated and alone–like there isn’t one person in the WORLD who knows me or cares a rip about me; so HORRIBLY INCOMPETENT–an utter failure in every single area of life; so duplicitous–I claim to be a Christian but then I am given to despair like THIS? Give me a break!

But here is some truth ...

1. All of this will feel better in 48 hours when my hormones swing back to normal (ahhh–Tara’s 32-35 day grouchy/happy/grouchy blog cycle continues) AND when I finally get over this EXHAUSTING FEVER. It is just WIPING ME OUT. I am totally miserable.

2. I do have a few true friends–and that is a grace. But who I REALLY need to cry out to now is God. God created me and knows me better than anyone–even myself! And amazingly, He delights in being in relationship with me. (Saved – “in accordance with His pleasure and will”!)

3. There are some areas in my life that are in need of serious improvement, and I am called to apply myself to growing in faith and godliness in those areas. HOWEVER ... I will NEVER get my act together and sitting around focusing on my failures and inadequacies is neither helpful nor godly. If it were Christianly to judge and condemn myself, then I should keep doing it–but it is not. Rather, I am called to love God and love neighbor. And the same gospel that saves you saves me REGARDLESS OF HOW I FEEL.

So there you have it–tired, grouchy, hormonal Tara. Quite the peacemaking woman, eh?! Yeah, right.

But God is quite the Peacemaking God.

Hope your day is going better than ours!

With love and even a little smile,
Tara B.

Well ... it’s a good thing that I just had the JOY of spending time with some WONDERFUL women in Kansas and, in particular, that we spent some time considering our propensity to FEAR MAN more than we FEAR GOD (Prov. 29:25) ...

Because, WOW! But was I just DISSED by a group of uppity businessmen here at the NWA Worldclub in Minneapolis. (I fly so much that Fred has generously gotten me a membership so that I can have a quiet place to work in between connections–oh, and FREE WIFI TOO! )

Anyway ... I had forgotten to look at the little sign by the door to see what today’s WIFI password was so I leaned over the divider to a group of yuppy-time-businessmen who were all on laptops and politely asked, “Excuse me, but could you please tell me the password for today?”

This is a normal thing in the worldclub and definitely a question I’ve been asked like, oh, say, a ZILLION times.

But they were very uppity/proud and actually laughed at me as they said, “We don’t know it.” It was so weird. Like a bad dream where you flash back to being made fun of by the “cool kids” in high school.

But here’s the good news ... of all the things in the WORLD I care about, the respect of rude men in the MSP worldclub is just SO NOT EVEN ON MY LIST.

I just walked back to the door, got the password, and preceded to get some more work done.

I’m off for my flight home to BIL in just a few minutes! Oh, I’m am SO SO SO happy that (Lord willing!), I’ll be home TONIGHT and able to go to CHURCH tomorrow. To quote Sophie:

"It’s SUNDAY! The BEST day of the week!!"

Amen!

I hope you’re all tucked happily into your own beds, resting well, preparing for a God-centered, refreshing Sabbath ... OH ... and not caring AT ALL what rude people think of you.

Life is just way too short.

Love ya lots and thanks for a wonderful weekend, Kansas ladies!

Yours,
Tara B.

I was just crushed by guilt and shame the other evening.

Poor Fred. I was talking and talking and it grew later and later. My spirit was SO troubled!

At one point I literally said to him:

"I can’t think of ONE memory from my ENTIRE life that doesn’t have some level of GUILT associated with it."

Can you believe it? What a ridiculously un-Christian, faithless statement to make.

But I sure felt it.

Fred, as usual, mercifully pointed out how guilt is often quite easy to experience in life because we all have so many inadequacies.

And yes, he pointed me to Christ and reminded me of the forgiveness and adoption that truly are mine because of Christ’s PERFECTION (and incarnation and life, death, and resurrection).

(Oh ... and I DID come up with two memories that I didn’t have guilt or shame about. One had to do with a time in high school when I really did well sight-reading an accompaniment for choir. (Hey! It was the accompaniment that Lili ate! How funny.) And the other had to do with that night during our courtship when I confessed my s*xual sins to Fred and he forgave me so completely and utterly that it was the truest experience of GRACE and the GOSPEL I have ever had in this life.)

ANYWAY ... I was thinking about all of that in church on Sunday when we sang Trudy Poirier’s song, Taste and See.

Some of you might remember from my women’s retreat that one of the verses says:

"You have not chosen many wise,
You have not chosen many strong,
You take the weakest ones in this world,
That you may show your grace and glory."

Feeling pretty weak, I was hungering for communion as our pastor guarded the table and gave the words of institution.

I thought to myself:

"I need rescue. I need transformation. I am a wreck!"

And then another verse of Trudy song rang out in my heart:

"This is my theme, this is my song,
To praise the Lord my whole life long.
He took the water of my life,
And turned it into sweetest wine."

I prayed:

"How grateful I am that you didn’t just change my RANCID water into some other state of slightly-cleaner-non-rancid water. No. Just like at the wedding in Cana, you completely changed me into something DIFFERENT. Something new. Every cell in my body. Every iota of Tara-water-ness made into a new creation.

Thank You, God."

And I, the most faithless of sinners in our entire congregation, took the bread and the wine. And I was reminded of the Truth.

Jesus really did die for sinners. And He really HAS made His children new–and He IS making His children new.
Water into wine.

Thank God.

Hope your week is a great one!
Fred and I are still gunning and gunning–pushing and pushing. But there are sweet moments of quietness and rest too. Sounds like life.

Happy Monday!

Yours,
Tara B.

Thursday and today I worked INTENSELY on HUGE projects. Had to concentrate without interruption. Spent 10+ hours on my laptop (without being wise and stopping every few hours to stretch my back and wrists). Had to rely on Fred, ballet/sports class/group violin, and friends (THANK YOU SARAH!) to help keep Sophie safe, happy, and hopefully somewhat growing in grace.

And I REALLY REALLY tried to NOT be stressed as I worked SO hard.

(Not my forte this whole “not being stressed” thing.)

I tried to trust in God, be happy and grateful, and just have a hopeful/content/not freaking out attitude.

But I can’t even tell you how FITFULLY I slept–when I slept, which wasn’t much.

I had the MOST stressful/anxious dreams ... running away from antagonists, peering over the precipice of a cliff, almost missing flights, STRESSFUL.

I woke up in the morning with sore muscles and a sore jaw–from clenching all night, I’m sure.

But I also LAUGHED at myself and thought,

"Hmmmm ... apparently my subconscious mind didn’t get the message."

What can you do?

I KNOW that God IS growing me in grace.
Still ... until Glory, even as sanctified as God makes me, I’m never going to be Mr. Steady-Freddy Type B, right?

I am who I am–but I am grateful for God’s present means of grace that are active in my life.

One day at a time, right?
It’s all so much better than I deserve.

Hope you have a blessed weekend–

Sending you love,
Tara B.

11:00PM ... triple-digit fever (blech!) ... just finished webcamming with Fred & the muffin-tater ...

(OH I LOVE THEM!!! Thank You, God, for Fred & Sophia AND for webcams & a high-speed Wi-Fi. )

... much to do still tonight and team meeting again at 6:45AM ...

SO, may I please just link to an old post? (An oldie but hopefully a goodie.)

We must learn to take ourselves in hand!

Here is just a snippet to tempt you:

"Most of our unhappiness in life is due to the fact that we are listening to ourselves instead of talking to ourselves. Grace calls us to DO something regarding our situation, our temperament, our struggles. To run to Christ, lay hold of Christ with saving faith, and to SPEAK TRUTH, biblical truth, to the lies and thoughts and struggles that rattle around inside of us.

You wake up in the morning and the first thought you have is of your FAILURES?! The problems of yesterday? Your horrible inadequacies? The drag that your life has become?

Someone is talking. Who is talking to you? Your self is talking to you.

RESIST! RESPOND! Rather than allow this self to talk to you, YOU start talking to YOURSELF. “Why art thou cast down, O my soul?” he asks. Your soul has been depressing you? Crushing you? So you stand up and say, “SELF! Listen for a moment! I will speak to you.”

Because the main art in the matter of spiritual living is to know how to handle yourself ..."

Hope you’ll check it out and maybe be encouraged, even just a smidgen.

OK. Back to data & spreadsheets & thanking God for the privilege of being with these dear brothers and sisters in Christ. (What a joy! What a privilege!)

Love you bunches,
Tara B.

PS
Thank you thank you THANK YOU for the prayers and encouragement! I appreciate you all so much and (hope you understand) I’m totally just letting emails pile up in my Inbox. Hope to be able to respond soon–Love, t

One of our elders has been trying particularly hard in the last few weeks to really get to know Fred and I better so that he can counsel us wisely on some “big & important” life questions we’ve been mulling over and praying about. (Thank you, Elder S!)

He’s asked us to respond in writing to a number of questions that have really forced us to slow down, think, talk, and pray. It’s been challenging–but such a gift.

I won’t go into all of the details, but Fred’s response to one question regarding me totally made me chuckle and I thought that (especially those of you who really know me) might get a laugh or two as well. So here goes ...

One of the questions our elder asked us was:

"What are the areas you need to grow in the most as a parent"?

I, of course, had NUMEROUS ideas as to all of the MANY ways that I really need to work hard to be a better mother to Sophia Grace. Are you kidding? I was rattling 'em off, bullet point after bullet point.

But when I asked Fred for what he thought were the areas I needed to grow in as a mother, do you know the first thing he said?

"Tara needs to cut herself more slack."

Isn’t that funny? I can honestly (honestly!) say that THAT thought had never entered my mind.

But I’m thinking about it now, of course.
And praying. Mulling. Working hard to relax more as a mom?
(Yes, yes. The irony abounds.)

I am just so incredibly grateful that God did not have me marry a harsh husband.

I can’t imagine how miserable my life would be if I were married to a “go-getter,” driven, always pushing me, never satisfied, critically pointing out all of my (many!) weaknesses, thinking he’s just “confronting me on my sin and gently restoring me”–but really, he’s only making me more frantic, worried, condemned, hopeless, overwhelmed, exhausted ... joyless and graceless.

Instead–I have a husband who does confront me. (I need it!)
And he is not blind to my weaknesses and sins–but he really does look at me with “grace-based-lenses” so that he is gentle, hopeful, and redemptive as he interacts with me.

(Well–most of the time. Some times–very occasionally, but oh! there are times–I provoke him so royally that he responds more like me than like his normal self. But these are rare–thank God! And I honestly believe that, although his heart controls his behavior, I am truly what we lawyers would call an “intervening cause” that cannot be left out of the equation.)

So here’s to a happy Tuesday!
May all of us moms who struggle with being a tad too ... perfectionistic? Critical? Task-oriented to the point of making ourselves a little crazy? ... may we all cut ourselves a little slack and ENJOY the day.

And may all of you dads out there who struggle with being a tad graceless and critical of your wives .... maybe you can all pray for the grace to so richly remember your own depravity and God’s astounding mercy to you in Christ ... that you might give grace to your wives as well.

We’re all a desperate lot to be sure.
But we are loved.

God bless!

Yours,
Tara B.

PS
I promised some “Sophia Grace first time fishing” photos, so here they are ... along with a couple of “cheer camp” pics that we did yesterday for two reasons: a) It’s Fun! and b) While Sophie and her friends ran & played & used their muscles and had a blast, I had three uninterrupted hours to work on the dvd project. Ahhhhhh ... a win-win situation if ever I heard one, eh? Enjoy the pics and Happy Tuesday! – tkb

Many thanks, again, to Carolyn McCulley! This dear and wise sister continues to hit it out of the park on her blog, SoloFemininity.com.

Quoting Michael Lawrence on counter-cultural beauty, she posted this:

"Finally, immerse yourself in a counter-cultural understanding of beauty. I stand by what I said at the beginning: Beauty is culturally determined and we cannot escape our culture. If you are surrounded by people and media that say beauty is merely a matter of body shape and color, then you will find it almost impossible to be attracted to anything else. But if you are in regular conversation with people who think otherwise, if you are listening to messages that say otherwise, if you witness passionate, intimate marriages that prove otherwise, then your definition of beauty and your sense of attraction will be changed by that culture.

Where can you find such a culture? You can find it only in a healthy, biblical, local church.

As Christians, we are citizens of more than one culture. The Bible presents a worldview, including a definition of beauty, that’s opposed to the worldview of our culture. But a worldview that is not lived out is just dead theory. The biblical worldview takes on counter-cultural life in the context of the church. In the community of God’s people, as we listen to God’s word and allow it to transform us, we find the vision of beauty we need to transform our preferences and desires from weak, worldly lusts into strong, godly attraction to true beauty.

What’s more, in this kind of culture, women understand what it means to be truly beautiful, and they know how to pursue that beauty. Most of all, they are confident that attaining such beauty is worth it. Not just so the guys will notice them, but because the guys have encouraged them above all to shape the whole of their lives for the loving gaze of God. His eyes never fail to recognize true beauty and his heart never fails to be attracted to it. Men, why would we want to be any different?"

One of my “check in on 'em every day” bloggers, Pastor JollyBlogger posted an interesting question on women and guilt and I replied with a lengthy excerpt from Judy’s and my book, Peacemaking Women.

(Who me? Verbose? No WAY! )

(Who me? Struggle with guilt? SHOCKING! )

I thought it might be a good reminder for all of us, so I’ll post my comment below.

It was funny to re-read it. I really never read my own book–too convicting.
(Hah!)

But I completely remember when I wrote the end of this chapter! I remember feeling ALL of that guilt because I was writing a book instead of taking care of my newborn–EVEN THOUGH Fred was completely, 100%, THRILLED and EAGER for me to do so. And he’s always so astoundingly kind and grateful for ANYTHING I do trying to improve as a homemaker.

But I still struggle.
Maybe it will be a part of me until Glory.
But there is growth.
So that’s just great.

ANYWAY–here it is and God bless you all!

With love,
Tara B.

————————————————————————————————————-

GREAT questions, JollyBlogger! As always, you are making me think and driving me to my knees before the Lord. Thank you!

(You know ... I’m even wondering if I might be “tweaking” my keynotes for tonight and tomorrow night. Ah! 'Tis the season of mother/daughter/women’s dinners, eh?)



Pastor JollyBlogger, I’m in the morning “domestic diva getting hubby out the door mode,” so I can’t write a custom long response, but since we cover this topic in an entire chapter in our book ("Peacemaking Women"), I wanted to snip and copy in a few excerpts.

Because ... well ... as usual, I think you are RIGHT! And sadly, what you describe is pretty much “THE” struggle I see when I do women’s retreats or conferences. (I.e., these women know their theology! But it’s that pesky ol' GAP between what we claim to believe and how we actually LIVE that gets 'em (and me!) every time.)

My only question would be ... would you consider that, maybe, perhaps, it’s a possibility that you are using the wrong TERM. (And you and I both know that if we start with the wrong diagnosis, it’s going to be hard to get to the right Cure.)

Pastor, I think what you are describing in the lives of these godly, wise, wonderful, biblical, Spirit-filled, Christian women isn’t guilt ... IT’S SHAME.

Here are the book excerpts I copied out for you this morning. Hope they are even a tiny blessing to you.

We all appreciate you so much!

Your sister in Christ,
Tara Barthel

Peacemaking Women
By Tara Barthel & Judy Dabler

PEACE WITHIN
In the quietness of your most private thoughts, are you at peace? As you lie on your bed at night, are you calm, content, and joyful? Or is your heart restless? Do you sometimes feel a vague sense that all is not well?

Sometimes the conflicts we face within cause our greatest turmoil. To live as peacemaking women, we are called to face and address our misplaced shame, dark depression, and ungodly fears. It is not enough that our “outsides” appear to be at peace. As we live out faith in Jesus Christ, one good fruit we enjoy is internal peace. As John Calvin reminds us, we must first turn to the Lord if we are to gain understanding into our hearts: “Again, it is certain that man never achieves a clear knowledge of himself unless he has first looked upon God’s face, and then descends from contemplating Him to scrutinize himself.”2

In this section, we will address the three most common internal conflicts that women face: shame, depression, and fear. I (Tara) remember a time as a teenager, new to the faith, when all three internal struggles crashed together in one sad moment. It was just after my mother had attempted suicide and I was living with a Christian family from my church. One Saturday we were doing chores and I unplugged the vacuum by pulling on the cord. I was gently and appropriately corrected—“Don’t pull on the cord, reach down and pull the grip out of the socket; otherwise, the cord could detach and fray.” Immediately, I was flooded with shame, fear, and depression: “I shouldn’t be here! Their house is beautiful. This is a perfect family. I’m unworthy, stupid, a loser. Now that they know what an idiot I am, they’re going to kick me out. Will I be homeless? I don’t even know how to live in a nice house. I hate myself and I hate my life.”

In this situation, I was bound by shame—I am no good. The correction that I received confirmed it—I am stupid and deserve to be rejected. I was gripped by fear—I’m going to be kicked out. My dark thoughts lead to depression—My life is awful and it will never change.

As I reflected on this memory with Judy, she helped me to see that the gospel of Jesus Christ sets us free to look within ourselves and face whatever is unseemly. The gospel tells us that we are completely loved by God; he made the way for our relationship with him to be restored through the finished work of his Son, Jesus, on the cross. We are fully accepted by God because the righteousness of Christ has become our own. No darkness in us can change the wonderful truth that our relationship with God does not depend on us, but on his gift of grace.

We are emboldened to look within and pursue shalom because we are already living that eternal life promised to us through our faith in Jesus Christ. The gospel is the foundation upon which our internal peace rests because by it our peace with God has been fully accomplished. Without the gospel, we are hopeless and lost, constantly looking for answers to satisfy our doubts and soothe our despair. But in Christ, we have peace.

Of course, the gospel calls us to live for God’s glory, not because he makes us happy—which he does—but simply because he is God. As J. I. Packer reminds us, “We must return to the authentic gospel—not some substitute that occasionally shares similarities. The true gospel produces deep reverence, repentance, humility, a spirit of worship and a concern for the church. It makes men God-centered in their thoughts and God-fearing in their hearts. Too often, a substitute gospel is promoted to ‘help’ people—to bring peace, comfort, happiness, satisfaction—not to glorify God.”3

As we come to the conclusion of this book, we will incorporate the truths about God presented in Part One, and the application of those truths learned in Part Two, as we consider how to develop that quiet inner confidence that brings about the good fruit of righteousness and shalom. And as always, to find rest for our souls, we turn to Christ who promises: “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light” (Matt. 11:28–30).

CHAPTER 10: SHAME

No one whose hope is in you will ever be put to shame . . .
Psalm 25:3a

“If we are to live the kind of free and radically loving and holy lives Christ calls us to, we must understand the place of shame and how to fight against its crippling effects.”
John Piper1

The Midwest is home to an awful little spider called the brown recluse. This spider is famous for its bite. Once a person is bitten, the small red dot quickly disappears and the victim has little awareness that she just received one of the most venomous spider bites known to mankind. Over time, however, a terrible infection begins beneath the surface of the skin. By the time she is aware that she has been bitten, significant damage has occurred. In fact, surgery into the undamaged flesh is usually necessary to stop the rapid spread of the spider’s venom. The treatment often leaves visible reminders of the destruction left by that tiny spider.

Ungodly shame works in the human heart much like a brown recluse bite works on the body. On the surface, everything may look fine, but beneath the surface, a decaying, infected wound is doing serious damage to the heart and soul. Sadly, shame is prevalent in the lives of many Christian women. It is often experienced as a vague but overwhelming sense that no matter how hard we try, we will never be good enough. When shame lives in our hearts, we feel as though no matter how much we may desire relationships with others, no one will ever really want us. Although we may teach the gospel of God’s grace and love to others, easily believing it to be true for them, we have a hard time believing that it is actually true for us. Women infected by shame often withdraw from God and others in an attempt to prevent the spread of this lethal disease or to disguise the truth that they are carriers of it. When shame exists in our hearts, our internal conflicts are often the fertile soil for conflicts with God and others. Shame has great power to destroy shalom.

Godly and Ungodly Shame

Godly shame is a blessing. Shame comes in two main varieties, godly and ungodly. Godly shame is our soul’s response to the Spirit of God when we have sinned. It is one aspect of sorrow and remorse, and can be an integral part of repentance. Godly shame is a gift from God that flows out of an awareness and sorrow that we have sinned and done wrong. Godly shame sickens us with the realization of our sin and makes us rightly crave the restoration that comes through repentance and forgiveness. The Giver of godly shame uses it as the hook to reel us back into his forgiving, purifying arms. When we sin, if our hearts are soft and responsive, we will experience appropriate and godly remorse that quickly turns us back to God. We flee to our Heavenly Father to receive forgiveness and freedom as we delight in our status as redeemed sinners.

I (Tara) remember a time when I was really struggling with bitterness towards a friend who had betrayed my confidence and embarrassed me publicly. I suffered miserably as I nursed the offense, continually replaying it in my mind. On one of our long walks, my husband, Fred, said to me, “I’m glad you’re miserable and ashamed, Tara, when you are tempted to hate your sister in Christ. If you weren’t, I’d go and get help from our pastor because then I would know that you are hardening your heart to the Lord. But the fact that you are ashamed and miserable is a good thing. Your shame shows that the Spirit of God is in you and your heart is open to correction.” God graciously granted me the gift of godly shame in order to help bring me to repentance.

Godly shame that drives us back to the Lord for healing and hope is a blessing—it is a sensitivity to sin coupled with faith that Jesus Christ forgives completely and restores fully. Who would not rush into the arms of their dear Savior to receive grace when convinced that he alone purifies her from her shame and sets her free from its pain?

Ungodly shame is an unbearable burden. Ungodly shame, however, does not come from God as a result of our sin, but comes from many different sources: our own hearts, other people, and the philosophies and values of the world. Together, these sources of ungodly shame all serve to produce in us a sense of “badness” that usually drives us away from God and toward our futile efforts to restore ourselves. While godly shame results from the Spirit of God working in our hearts to prompt us to deal with our sinfulness, ungodly shame results from our responses to our fallenness and the fallenness of the world in which we live. Fallenness is a larger category of experiences that includes sin but also includes so much more.2

When a woman is filled with ungodly shame, her response to her own sin or fallenness is to say, “Something is wrong with me and I need to work harder to make this right.” Ungodly shame is a self-indictment that overrides the truth of the gospel that Jesus Christ loves me and in him I am accepted. Another way to think about godly shame and ungodly shame is to note that while godly shame may have a component of legitimate and appropriate guilt (“I did wrong”), ungodly shame condemningly says, “I am wrong.” Sadly, ungodly shame directs people away from God and others, effectively trapping them in a lifestyle of shame-based living. Ungodly shame is an unbearable burden.

Janelle struggles with ungodly shame. In her childhood home, her parents disciplined her by saying, “You are such a bad little girl. For shame! For shame!” Instead of lovingly shepherding her heart and disciplining her behavior (“You did a bad thing”), they told her she was bad. Janelle grew up in an environment of conditional “love” where she received love when she did things well and was a “good girl,” and was personally rejected when she was “bad” and struggled with sin. As an adult, Janelle has a hard time trusting in God’s love towards her because she never feels that she is being “good enough.” Janelle is burdened by ungodly shame as a result of her parent’s sin and fallenness colliding with her own sin and fallenness.

A lack of shame can be a curse. Guilt is different from shame. True guilt is an objective fact that says the holiness of God has been transgressed by our thoughts, words, or deeds.3 When we are guilty, we ought to experience godly shame. We don’t feel guilt, we feel godly shame. When true guilt and godly shame exist together, we are filled with a godly sorrow that leads to repentance and leaves no regret (2 Cor. 7:10). But, sadly, guilt may or may not be accompanied by the experience of shame.

It is a horrible thing when true guilt is not accompanied by the experience of shame. As Jeremiah reminds us, we can be genuinely guilty of wrongdoing but not experience the emotion of godly shame at all: “Are they ashamed of their loathsome conduct? No, they have no shame at all; they do not even know how to blush. So they will fall among the fallen; they will be brought down when they are punished, says the Lord” (Jer. 8:12). Such a lack of shame is terrifying evidence of a heart hardened by sin’s deceitfulness (Heb. 3:13).

Interestingly enough, while godly and ungodly shame come from different sources and are the result of different forces in our lives, both the effect of them in our lives and the cure for them are largely the same …

… ... ...

I (Tara) am embarrassed to admit that in looking back on my first few years as a Christian, I see plainly how my ungodly shame manifested itself as legalism and self-righteousness. As a teenager, I was saved by God’s grace, but my initial response was to live as a legalistic Pharisee. Instead of humbly sharing the gospel with my family, I adopted an air of superiority as I threw away all of my “sinful” rock and roll audiotapes. I judged my relatives for the television shows and movies they watched. Completely failing to minister encouragement and hope to them, I sniffed piously at their lifestyles. Even more seriously, I saw true areas of sin in their lives—areas in need of rescue and love—and instead of seeking to help them, bearing their burdens, or pointing them to Christ (Gal. 6:1–2), I turned away from them. I look back on those years with true regret. I see how my own pride and shame combined to make me a “Christian jerk.” Thankfully, God has led me to seek the forgiveness of all of my family members for my judgmental heart and self-righteous behavior and they have forgiven me.

The Cure for Shame

What can we do to be free of the burden of shame that is at the root of so much of our conflict? Dick Keyes in Beyond Identity makes the excellent point that guilt and shame are two very different problems, rooted in two different theological realities, each with its own cure.4 Two thought-provoking questions help us to address our guilt and shame:

• What is the cure for guilt?
• What is the cure for shame?

Nearly every believer is able to rapidly answer the first question. The cure for guilt is forgiveness. However, few are able to articulate the cure for shame without a great deal of reflection. And yet, Scripture speaks volumes about how to cure shame. To be women of shalom, it is crucial to understand how the concepts of adoption, intimacy, love, and delight impact our experience of shame. These gifts of grace help us to trust that we are accepted, just the way we are. The acceptance we have in Christ because we are adopted into his family is the surgeon’s scalpel that begins to carve away the festering poison of shame. The intimacy, love, and delight we experience because of our adoption all provide the healing balm that soothes the painful effects of shame.

Adoption. When we know without a doubt that God has accepted us, we come to understand the amazing truth that we are brought into membership in God’s family forever (1 John 3:1). The doctrine that speaks most powerfully to our guilt is justification and the doctrine that speaks most directly to our ungodly shame is adoption. While the cure for our guilt rests only in the forgiveness of God, the cure for our shame is found in God’s loving acceptance through adopting us into his family. Adoption washes our shame away in the same way that justification wipes away our guilt. Adoption says, “I love you, you belong to me, nothing will take you out of my hand. Nothing about you will cause me to reject you. Anything wrong with you will not cost us our relationship. I am God and I know you completely. And I love you” (cf. John 10:29; Rom. 8:15–17; Gal. 4:4–7; 1 John 3:1).

I (Tara) love adoption stories. I am drawn to them like no other stories. I love to hear about the prayerful pleas for a child; the long anticipation and waiting; the actual journey to meet the child; the lifetime promise of love offered before the parents even lay eyes on the little one; the tearful moment when the child is placed in the arms of the parents and the cradle of the family of God; and the grace and love reflected in the life of a wanted and cherished child. I am mesmerized by the thought that parents would choose, seek out, and love a child that they had never even met. I guess it reflects both my longing for relationship with my own parents and my longing for my perfect heavenly parent, Father God.

A key aspect of adoption is that it is a lifetime commitment. Adoption is steadfast. Shame flees when people don’t give up on us, but it compounds when they do. I (Tara) once had a close friend—I considered her to be my best friend at the time—give up on me with absolutely no warning. One day, she just decided that my sins were too great, I was too unloving and ungracious, and she didn’t want to be my friend any more. In one of the worst conversations in my entire life, we sat in my car and she said that, although we had been best friends, she never wanted to see me or talk to me again. I have tried numerous times over the years to ask her forgiveness and appeal for us to be reconciled, but she has never acknowledged my letters or calls. For years, that rejection intensified my sense of shame because it was the exact opposite of steadfast and abiding love.

To think that God would choose, seek out, and love us forever? Never give up on us? This is adoption at its best. And shame disappears in the face of the marvel of adopting love.

Intimacy. Intimacy is a biblical concept that permeates Scripture from beginning to end. It is the relational experience of knowing others as they really are and being known for who we really are. The desire for intimacy is strongly related to how God has made us in his own image. Although sufficient in himself, God desires that we know and love him, hence the First Commandment (“You shall have no other gods before me”) and the Greatest Commandment (“Love the Lord your God with all your heart . . .”). As people made in his image, we share the same desire to be intimately known and fully loved. Our creation in God’s image assumes intimacy as a normal part of relationships. Yet shame, that lethal disease, eats away at our hearts—especially the place where intimacy is desired and embraced. Shame destroys the desire and ability to be known by others. Shame kills the desire and ability to know and love others.

If genuine love flows out of true intimacy, and if love for God and others is our greatest calling, intimacy is a vital part of our human experience. We will not be vulnerable with people unless we know that we are safe with them because they love us intimately.

Trusting, loving relationships are based on genuine knowledge of others. We follow Jesus because we know who he is. He has revealed himself to us and we can know him. Not fully, but truly and increasingly, as we spend time in his Word, in communion with him, in fellowship with his Spirit-filled people, and in worship. He calls us by our own names, knowing who we really are. He knows us fully, even “the secrets of the heart” (Ps. 44:21b).

Intimacy is reflected in Jesus’ explanation of what it means to be a true Shepherd of God’s people: “He calls his own sheep by name and leads them out. When he has brought out all his own, he goes on ahead of them, and his sheep follow him because they know his voice. But they will never follow a stranger; in fact, they will run away from him because they do not recognize a stranger’s voice . . . I am the good shepherd; I know my sheep and my sheep know me—just as the Father knows me and I know the Father—and I lay down my life for the sheep” (John 10:3b–5, 14–15).

It is helpful to note that in this John 10 passage, intimacy is a crucial aspect of loving leadership and ministry. So often, our counseling with believers touches on the topic of how difficult it is to know Christian leaders. The hurts that are experienced by our pastors and elders often make them withdraw from people. The hurts that are experienced by all believers lead us to withdraw from relationships as well. When Christians are deprived of intimate, loving relationships with one another, shame often flourishes because we fear letting others see our weaknesses. Mistrust, bitterness, unforgiveness, and fear stand in the way of deep connection in the body of Christ.

Janet was praying with a friend, Patty, who was counseling her through a difficult conflict. During the prayer, Patty cried out for “Abba, Daddy” to hear her prayers for Janet. Janet cringed on the inside as she listened to her friend speak to God in such an intimate way. She knew that her relationship with God lacked that “Daddy” quality of innocent trust and intimacy. Janet began to cry because she longed to feel the loving arms of her Abba around her. She knew that she was accepted by God but felt that her acceptance was based on a technicality and she subconsciously felt that he would begrudgingly allow her into heaven because he didn’t have a way out of the obligation and was trapped by his own goodness and faithfulness. The belief that God desired her and intimately loved her had never crossed Janet’s mind.

As is often the case, Janet’s relationship with her early father impacted how she related to God. Janet’s earthly father had not shown any interest in knowing her. He had abandoned Janet as a child and when he did have any contact with her, he only expressed approval at certain performance-based accomplishments. Influenced by her earthly father, any expressions of approval from God felt to Janet like demands for greater effort to succeed and be perfect. To understand intimacy with God is to know that our shame is fully known and exposed before a holy God. God sees every bit of our hearts and knows us even better than we know ourselves (Ps. 139:13–16). He even knows the number of hairs on our heads. And guess what? He loves us. With his eyes wide open, in full knowledge of our fallenness and sin, the God of the universe tenderly loves us and accepts us. True intimacy is rooted in knowledge and depth of insight—the fundamentals of love—and it banishes shame.

Love. Paul gives the Philippians much to consider about the importance and wonder of having intimate human relationships when he writes, “And this is my prayer: that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight, so that you may be able to discern what is best and may be pure and blameless until the day of Christ, filled with the fruit of righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ—to the glory and praise of God” (Phil. 1:9–11). Paul uses powerful words—abounding love—to describe a powerful concept. Love doesn’t trickle in when love abounds and intimacy is present. Love surges forward—more and more. And shame flees in the face of love.

Jesus further defines the depth of true love and what our love for others looks like with a new commandment. (As if the second greatest commandment to “love your neighbor as yourself” in Matthew 22:39 is not enough to make us take notice, the new commandment sobers us even more.) We are called to love others as Jesus has loved us: “A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another” (John 13:34). While we are not always impressed by how people love themselves, and therefore not overly eager to be loved that same way, the love of Jesus for us never fails to impress and move our hearts because this is the greatest love possible (John 15:13).

Tina was a beautiful young woman who worked as a server in a restaurant. She came to talk with me (Judy) about her deep shame. When she thought she had said something inappropriate in a conversation, Tina would later bang her head against a wall while crying out “Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!” As I came to know Tina, I was amazed at how intelligent and thoughtful she was. Yet most people never would have known it by how she presented herself. Tina was a high school graduate with an unimpressive grade point average; she spoke with a lisp and in a way that sounded babyish. Her friends and family frequently called her a “ditz.”

As we talked, however, I discovered that Tina loved history and spent hours every day watching the History Channel or reading history books. She was an avid historian who knew names, dates, and complexities of modern history. Yet, in her family growing up, she was always the “baby” who was never taken seriously. Convinced that she was neither intelligent nor of much value and importance, Tina’s shame drove her to conceal her real interests with a cloak of poor performance and baby talk. As we began to carve away at her shame, I reflected back to her how intelligent and loveable I found her to be. I remember when she asked, “Do you really think I am smart? Do you really love me, Judy?”

Tina eventually came to recognize herself as a creation of God gifted with a talents and abilities. She turned away from false shame and embraced biblical truth as she learned to steward her gifts for God’s glory and the benefit of others. She recognized her desire to learn and soon enrolled in a local college. The last time I saw her, Tina’s lisp had disappeared and she was enjoying great success in her college courses.

Acceptance and delight. We can love many people but delightful acceptance with intimate knowledge is a foretaste of the exquisite grace that awaits us when we are reunited with Jesus Christ face-to-face. Delight is a special form of acceptance that profoundly heals shame.

In the early 1990s, my (Judy’s) pastor told me that he did not think I should enter the field of counseling because he thought I would do more harm than good. His reason for his belief was the way I related to my husband. I tried to control Jim so that he would think and act the way I thought he should. In other words, I tried to make Jim into my own image. I was hurt by my pastor’s words, yet I knew they were true. After many weeks of suffering, I had a life-changing realization: God has accepted Jim. If God has accepted Jim just as he is, who am I to reject him? Am I above God? As I reflected on Romans 15:7, I knew I was called to accept Jim, “just as Christ accepted you, in order to bring praise to God.”

In coming to the startling realization that God had already accepted Jim just as he is, I was able to choose to accept him as well. My marriage was radically transformed. Shame began to melt away and both of us began to grow as individuals. We came to know and understand each other for the people we really are, the people God created us to be. Within a few years, however, something new began to happen. Acceptance, bathed in intimate love, grew into delight for one another. To this day, the man I married is a huge source of delight for me. I sing his praises to everyone I meet.

What do you delight in? The fuzzy little kitten that begins to purr when you hold it to your chest? The toddler who takes his first step and squeals with joy, clapping for his own efforts? The drawing a friend creates and gives to you so that you know how special you are to him? Delight is a wholehearted, emotional response of enjoyment, appreciation, and love. Delight is a powerful antidote to shame.

I (Tara) recall with crystal clarity the first time I ever saw a father absolutely delighting in his family. It happened in college when I was visiting a family from church. As the mother, father, and children walked me around their home, the father stopped time and time again to marvel at his family’s photographs. “Wasn’t Katie a beautiful baby?” “Have you ever seen such a smile as Tori’s?” “Look at this one, Tara, isn’t my wife amazing? This was just after we lost our beloved son, and yet there June is, believing on the Lord even in her grief.” At the dinner table, George was quick to show his pleasure in his family. “Tori is growing so much in her faith. She is showing so much wisdom.” “Katie encouraged me the other day with her kindness and love.” “God has given me such a gift in my wife. I can’t believe I get to be her husband and raise our girls together. God is so good to me.”

As I listened to my friend’s delight, I tucked the thought away into a quiet piece of my heart, “I pray that one day I might have a husband who delights in me and in our children like George delights in his family.” Why does this memory stick with me after so many years? Because delight dispels shame. Shame cannot breathe or live in the flood of loving, rejoicing delight. Of course, the ultimate foundation for our delight is found in Jesus Christ. He is the Lover of our Souls who delights in us and eternally dispels our shame. Even if we do not yet experience delight in earthly relationships, we can rest secure in God’s delight in us.

From Shame to Shalom

Even as I (Tara) have spent the day working on this chapter, I have struggled with shame. My husband is caring for our little baby so that I can concentrate on writing. Shame tells me, “If you weren’t such a lousy wife, you would take better care of your husband.” I look around my home and see my attempts at cobbling our used furniture and old lamps into a warm and inviting home. Shame whispers, “If you were a better homemaker, you would know how to decorate and create a beautiful environment. You can’t even take care of a home. There’s dog hair everywhere.” We are working on having our daughter, Sophia, take naps in her crib instead of in our arms. But as she cries in protest, my shame indicts me, “You don’t have any idea what you’re doing with your baby. What makes you think you can be a mother?”

Can you imagine? Even as I am here meditating hour after hour on the many truths of Scripture as to how the gospel speaks directly to my shame, I still struggle. Some of you reading this will not be able to relate to what I’m saying. I thank God for that! I am always refreshed and blessed to share fellowship with people who do not struggle with the foreboding, horrible, vague sense that they are not good enough. Their confidence and trust in the Lord is like a refreshing breeze or a sweet melody. To not live in shame is a glimpse of heaven.

But others of you know exactly what I am talking about. You know what it is like for your shame to condemn you. You, too, struggle with horrible thoughts of your own unworthiness, dirtiness, and inadequacies. Dear sisters in Christ, there is hope! Let us run to our saving, forgiving, adopting, and accepting God. The Prince of Peace knows our hearts, our pasts, our futures, and our every deed—and he delights in us. God delights in you! He, in his awesome act of love, offered himself as a sacrifice, that we might live eternally as righteous children of God. Forever.

To know that Jesus knows us, loves us, accepts us, and has declared us righteous, is the first step toward seeing shame forever washed away. Being known, loved, and accepted by others dispels that shame even more. When we, as fallen sinful creatures, can view ourselves with the eyes of Christ, shalom abounds richly. In the light of the love of Christ, shame gives way to shalom. In grateful and humble response we cry: “Thanks be to God for his indescribable gift!” (2 Cor. 9:15).

The numbness / tingling / “dead” feeling in my left hand continues to worsen (even with stretches & rest & bracing in 24 hours a day, etc. etc.) ... so Fred “made me” see my doctor today.

(As an aside ... I LOVE MY DOCTOR!! He is the best doctor EVER!!!! Plus, we totally love his NURSE too. We are incredibly blessed by both of them.)

Anyway ... due to the fact that the symptoms are only worsening (even with all of the things I’ve already been doing for weeks now), my next step is to see another doctor to test the functionality of the nerves. (I have no idea what that doctor would even be called!)

I’ll be sure to let you know how things go ... and here’s to hoping that I won’t be in a CAST (post-surgery??) for the dvd taping, eh?

OH–and I wanted to give you a chuckle by telling you about my stupidity on Monday ...

Yes, I’m wearing a brace all of the time to remind me to rest my left arm/hand/wrist AND to just give it a break in general. The brace isn’t terribly uncomfortable, but it’s something I notice all day long.

ANYWAY ... Monday night my wrist was just STINGING ... I mean REALLY HURTING under my brace. We were out to dinner as a family and I could barely stand it. That night as I tucked Sophie into bed, I had tears in my eyes!

And then I got washed up myself. Took off the brace (of course) so it wouldn’t get wet – and do you know what I found?????

SOPHIE’S TEENY TINY LITTLE PLASTIC HAIR RUBBER BAND AROUND MY WRIST!

“Oh, yeah,” I thought. “I stuck that on there THIS MORNING at the YMCA after Sophie’s swim lessons when I was showering her b/c I didn’t want to leave it in the shower where it might clog the drain or a younger child my pick it up as a choking hazard, etc.”

HMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM ... should’ve TAKEN IT OFF!

!!

Yes, it had literally CUT into my skin and had parts with blood and scabs already.

Can you believe it? What a silly mistake.

But I’ve learned. I’ve learned ...

- (Quoting Fred ...) “Next time, put it on a FINGER, ok? It’s only like 1/4 inch in circumference! No wonder it hurt so bad.”
- (Quoting myself to myself ... ) “If you have that much unexplained pain , check it out you silly goose!”

Beware the rubberband!

And a happy, blessed g'nite to you all!

With love,
Tara B.

Fred was comforting me with the gospel again this morning. (I keep trying to convince him that what I REALLY need to change is his wrath and judgment and criticism ... but he insists on, instead, reminding me of how good God is and how merciful God is, etc. etc.)

I was struggling and struggling with my (really bad!) circular thinking WHERE I JUST CAN’T WIN. There is NO comfort here. (Do you ever think this way?) ...

- “I am a terrible homemaker. I’ll try harder to make a more hospitable and lovely home to minister to my family and community.” ... “Man! Tara! You are SO worldly. Why did you ever do those repairs and improvements anyway? Boy–you’re not a very good steward!”

- “You need to RELAX and just ENJOY being home with Sophia. These are precious years and they go by quickly. Enjoy! Have fun!” ... “Boy, Tara, you sure are LAZY. If you REALLY cared, you’d be more diligent with your INTENTIONAL PARENTING of Sophia. Where are the lessons? Training? I think you need some SERIOUS SCHEDULING to get back on track.”

- “Fred appreciates how you take care of your family and supports you in your service beyond our family too. Don’t be afraid to put forth appropriate effort and energy towards writing projects, the dvd project, and your upcoming events. He truly believes that we are all stewarding the gifts in this family for God’s glory–so just enjoy!” ... “Man! You sure are a lousy wife. Fred works ALL DAY and then comes home and helps with dinner too? What’s wrong with you? Did I see him unloading the dishwasher in the morning and vacuuming too? What kind of wife fails to do even those SIMPLEST homemaking duties. What a failure you are, Tara.”

And on and on and on and on ...

As I was crying and frustrated again this morning, Fred helped me to see that this train of thought has absolutely no “win” to it. There is nothing good in it. Nothing God-focused. Nothing redemptive. And no matter what I do, I end up feeling crushed, condemned, hopeless, a failure.

So then he pulls out the stops and comes at me in his “just served for two weeks as the foreman of a jury trial” role and “orders” me to follow the jury instructions to “pay no attention to the testimony I hear” (that condemns me) and ONLY “take into account what Jesus says about me and what he–that is, Fred–says about me too” (because apparently the other “evidence” just isn’t “credible.”)

By then I was laughing again. And feeling a little more hopeful too.

Strange the way our minds work, eh?
Thank God that we are being sanctified and one day, we WILL be glorified ... and this struggle, this battle for the ages, this war against the Flesh will be forever over.

Thank God.
(I do!)

And thanks, Fred. I appreciate you SO much.

Love to all!

Your friend,
Tara B.

My mom and stepdad are visiting from Michigan (Sophia is in Grandma & Grandpa HEAVEN!) and things are going pretty well.

My mom made a yummy roast for dinner (she makes it look so easy!) and I was making my “world’s easiest and most delicious french silk pie” and we were just having a nice time in the kitchen. (Big deal for me! No anxiety attack or anything–well, maybe a little one. )

Anyway ... at one point, my mom spilled some spices and took my DISHCLOTH to the FLOOR to wipe them up.
(Eek!)

I WANTED to say something (like, “Please don’t do that!” or “Are you crazy? How 'bout a nice paper towel and some 409 rather than something that will touch FOOD being put on the floor?!”) ... but God constrained me and I held my tongue.

(What my mom does NOT need is any sense of criticism or gracelessness from me.)

The funny thing is that I had a STRONG flashback / deja vu during the whole little (10 second) exchange ...

You see, I distinctly remember visiting the childhood home of a man I was dating a bit in college when I was the one who spilled something, felt so bad about it, grabbed the first thing I could find (a wash/dishcloth), took it to the floor, and had both the young man and his (homemaking / farm wife / all about the kitchen thing) momma GASPING at my faux pas.

Talk about feeling stupid.
And dumb.
And klutzy and like,

“BOY! I will never fit in with these ”stable happy home / functional Christian / healthy" people. I just have no idea how to even LIVE like this. I don’t know anything! I put a WASHCLOTH on the FLOOR! What kind of idiot does THAT?"

Not a good moment.

I remember thinking, “I hope I never make anyone feel like that!”
And although I’m sure I have done so and I still do so ... I really try to mindful of it and be CAREFUL (full of care) to not hurt and reject people in this way.

I mean–who cares about the washcloth? I have others.
I can replace the sponge.

But if my mom feels judged? Criticized? “Not good enough?” Like I think I’m better than her (on a pedestal) and she doesn’t measure up (in a pit)? Well–all the sharing of Christ with her in the WORLD won’t matter AT ALL.

So thank God I held my tongue!
How I pray that my mom and Charlie will really be able to just RELAX and ENJOY their time here this week.

We’re going to try for Sophie’s Christmas picture tomorrow.
I’ll post some if they turn out!

Love to all,
Tara B.

PS
Needless to say, the relationship with the “don’t put that washcloth on the FLOOR!!!!” guy didn’t last. I heard that soon after we broke up he married a nice, sweet, happy, healthy/functional, godly Christian girl from a stable background and they currently serve overseas with a missions organization and their happy boatload of kids. I’m truly happy for them–although I can’t imagine he remembers my name and I’m sure we’ll never bump into each other again this side of heaven. And I’m SOOOOOOOOOOO happy that I married Fred–the human embodiment of grace for me. I mess up every single day and he never makes me feel like I’m in a pit–in fact, just the opposite. He looks at me with love. Thank God for Fred! And thank God for you too! Love to you and happy Thursday – tkb

During our vacation, one day I had over an hour to myself to just sit and think and pray. I was very relaxed and I began to “replay” or think about my entire adult life. It made me very sad.

I thought about high school where I so desperately wanted to have real friends and some sort of “home” ... and I thought I did in my circle of (choir / marching band / french club / speech team / NHS) friends.

But then I remembered how my friends confronted me on my (many!) weaknesses and I had to PERFORM to get to keep being around them (which I did) and it just didn’t feel very safe or loving to me. No home there.

Then I thought about my church in high school–and how much I loved the people there.

But I always felt like a misfit. I attended by myself (not in one of those loving families with teenagers who grew up in the church); I’m sure people thought I was strange. I felt a lot of condemnation and judgment even from people who I also loved and I know loved me. Again, just didn’t feel like a safe “home.”

On to college ... and my failures with roommates and friends were just SCREAMING in my ears; but now I had the added shame of REJECTION by “first loves.”

Although SO grateful now that those relationships broke off–because otherwise I wouldn’t be with Fred!–I was just overwhelmed with my stupidity, brokenness, sin, shame. It was crushing.

Then I remember feeling happy a bit when Fred and I were engaged and married and I had a home.

FINALLY A HOME!

But then I started thinking about my jobs. Yes, it was a miracle that we could pay off $73,000 in just over two years (thank You, God!); but I was thinking about failures on jobs and in professional relationships.

I tried SO HARD! But it never felt like I fit in. Even “safe” and mature Christians that I trusted ... ultimately? Rejection.

So where did all this mental meandering leave me?

Well, of course I told Fred and we prayed together. And he asked me this:

"Tara, don’t you think most people feel that way? On a certain level? Do any of us experience that happy, safe, HOME you are describing? I know I don’t. I never really feel like I fit in either. And I bet that if you polled the women at your events, the majority would say the same thing."

I really hadn’t thought about that – but I think Fred is right. It’s like so many CS Lewis essays and books ... we long for home. We long for HOME. But until Heaven ... none of us is ever truly there. We catch glimpses of home; the scent wafts across our nostrils; our hearts warm just a TAD with the sense of it ... but we are left wanting.

Because this life is not our home.

And then Fred also pointed out how I really was ONLY remembering the PAINFUL aspects of my life. Seriously. I’m being totally honest .. when I think about my life, ALL I REMEMBER AND SEE IS FAILURE FAILURE FAILURE FAILURE FAILURE.

Fred pointed out friendships and relationships that have lasted now for 15 and 20 years! Ways that I did do a good job at various workplaces and I was a productive, happy, helpful employee. Times that I actually blessed, encouraged, or even helped people.

And I was reminded of how true it is that (many of us!) almost always DISCOUNT ANY GOOD and DEFINE OURSELVES ONLY BY THE BAD.

But this is not true.
This is not Christianly.
And there is no gospel in it.

And so I’m (running!) to the dog groomer’s now with a repentant heart.

I am praying ... Please, God, forgive my selfish, self-centered, pitty-pot-whiny-pitty-party.
Please help me to honestly own up to my failures, sin, unbelief, weaknesses, ugliness and to cast myself firmly on Your Grace in Christ Jesus, my Savior and my Lord.

Please help me to STOP being defined by ME
and to take my eyes OFF of ME
and to live this day with Hope because YOU are a saving, redeeming, merciful God.

Thank You for forgiving me all my sins!
Please help me, God, to live this day breathing in Your Grace and remembering Your Truth.
May Your Word become more loud and vivid that my previous life experiences
and the “ruts” of my rotten, faithless thinking.

Purify and cleanse me, I pray!

Your grateful sheep,
Tara

The other day I was facing a deadline on a HUGE project and I just WASN’T in the mood for my (normally enjoyable) “mother of a toddler” duties.

(In retrospect, I think I should’ve asked a friend to have Sophie over so that I could’ve just concentrated on the project ... but hindsight is 20/20, eh?)

Anyway ... Sophie got out a toy and was busy putting hundreds of little pieces all over the floor and making a giant “trash the room” mess at my feet. I was OK with that because she was quiet ... well, for a few minutes. THEN she got frustrated and needed help.

OH MAN! I could literally FEEL the frustration come up from my stomach into my chest and my throat tighten as I was about to be IMPATIENT and use THE TONE with her. (You know the tone, don’t you? The FRUSTRATED MOMMA tone? It’s NOT pleasant.)

But then ... GOD’S GRACE CONSTRAINED ME. And instead of raising my voice or being rude to her, I just asked:

"Sophie, would you like me to show you how to put those pieces back inside?

And she said:

"Yes, please Momma."

And so I did.

And then, do you know what she said?

"Thanks, Mom, for teaching me how to put those pieces away."

Oh! I was SO humbled.

I could’ve modeled my black, sinful, wretched, selfish heart to her. And instead, I was the one who was blessed.

Thank You, God, for your constraining grace!
Amen & Amen

For some reason, Sophia woke up at 5:30AM today. WIDE awake and ready to start the day.

Fred and I lingered in bed while she brought in books and toys and played around us ... and we just enjoyed a slow (albeit early) start to the day.

At one point in our conversation, I literally said to Fred:

"So, do you think that there really are people who are just happy and godly all the time?
- They make wise and healthful eating decisions EVERY time
- Edifying, thoughtful books fill their minds with theological truth and God-glorifying ideas
- Their marriages are intimate and their sex lives are great
- Obedient, cheerful children are always parented with gentleness and kindness and great wisdom
- etc. etc. etc."

Of course Fred just laughed and said, “NO WAY.” And then he added, “If you don’t believe me, just ask Pastor Jason how he spends his days.”

(Not implying that our pastor isn’t perfect of course–just that he gets to serve and counsel hundreds of sheep who are less than perfect. Oh, and of course HE would be the first one to say how imperfect and often sinful HE is too. He is such a great pastor.)

It sounds stupid to say all that out loud!
Absolutely ridiculous.

So, then, why is it so easy to go throughout our days with a cloud of FAILURE! FAILURE! FAILURE! hanging over us?

When really, the cloud DOES scream, “FAILURE!” ... but GOD’S GRACE covers us all.

We DO have an Advocate, my friends!
And there is no argument or accusation that can stand ... for Jesus–the Risen Lord–condemns us NOT.

Though we deserve death–He gives us Life. He gives us Himself.

Oh how I am heading into my night with a little more Hope
and a little more Joy
(and a LOT less fear of Man!).

Thank You, God!

Love,
Tara B.

Fred and I had a heart-to-heart conversation a few weeks ago and I’ve been meaning to tell you about it ...

I was (again) overwhelmed with fear and having a heard time functioning in life. Fred (wisely!) guided me in our conversation. It went something like this ...

-Tara: “I’m just SO AFRAID. I’m so afraid. I can’t bear it. I feel like I’m being crushed. I’m just SO AFRAID.”
-Fred: “Afraid that ...?? Finish the sentence, Tara. Afraid that ...??”

-Tara: “I’m afraid that, even though we are happily cuddled-up here with Sophie sleeping in her bed and Choza (our Golden Retriever) at our feet ... I’m afraid that Sophie isn’t sleeping happily, but instead is dead. I’m afraid that someone will break into our home and come upstairs and kill us too.”

-Tara: “I’m afraid to read a book for pleasure. Yes, I read a lot TO STUDY or TO PREPARE for a new teaching ... but I used to walk through libraries and just pick up books that looked interesting to me and READ THEM. (I remember one particularly memorable library trip in my 20’s when I ended up with General Normal Schwarzkopf’s autobiography and a book on euthanasia too. Very interesting reading day!) ... ANYWAY ... nowadays, it’s like I don’t trust myself ... I don’t trust myself to DISCERN WISELY as I read. What if I get misled? What if I can’t figure it out and I am led astray?”

(Oh, and I’m afraid to check out a book from the library. Why? Why? Why-o-why-why? What if I forget to return it? What if it gets damaged? What if it gets mixed up with our books and I just forget about it and I end up owing $35,000 in fines? That really happened to someone once, you know! Or so I tell myself ...)

-Fred: “You know, Tara, some of your fears are understandable because you’ve had some pretty traumatic things happen to you in your life. And some of your fears come out of a very wounded place that you’ve gone through recently. You were really shook. You were really rattled. But God is giving us grace to persevere. And of course you are OK. Ultimately, you are safe. We do not fear the one who can kill the body, but we fear AND TRUST the One Who can kill both body AND soul. And HE has promised you this ... that though you WILL have trouble in this life, He has ULTIMATELY deprived the world of its power to ULTIMATELY harm you.”

(Good reminder, Fred. Yet again.)
(Good TRUTH to speak to the lies that I am tempted to believe!)

How I pray that this day, you too will believe the Word of God (the Way & the Truth & the Life!) more than the “old patterned & deep-seated rut” lies that battle within you.

We are safe. Ultimately. Thank God and praise His name!

PS
I forgot to mention this when I first posted, so here’s a little follow-up ...

When I met with the woman who is discipling me and we discussed these fears, she asked me a question that initially ticked me off. But with time, prayer, and reflection, I’ve come to think of as a very wise, loving, and insightful question. Here it is:

Why does it matter?

Pretty simple, eh? But think about it ...

She asked me why it mattered whether I forget to return a library book or damage a library book or owe a fine. Who am I trying to impress?

Why does it matter what people say (snidely!) about the books on my bookshelf (because they’re not “reformed” enough)? Who cares?

Why has checking a book out from a library begun to take on the epic “I can’t do it” feelings that I used to reserve only for making a meal or doing anything with YEAST? (Eek!)

I know, I know ... I need therapy. I need help. Trust that I’m getting it–daily & regularly from wise, godly, and gifted counselors/friends.

But think about your own fears and worries too. How much of it is tied back to the FEAR OF MAN? Hmmmmm .... looks like it’s about time for my yearly reading of Dr. Ed Welch’s book, “When People are Big and God is Small.”

Sending you lots & lots of love during naptime at the Barthels–
(Sophie & Chozie are napping that is)

Your a-little-less-scared-now-friend,
Tara B.

Today I received an email from a woman and my silly email is on the fritz! so I can only receive but not respond. Eek!

I didn’t want her to think that I didn’t care, however, and so I hope that she won’t mind me posting her note here (with all identifying information removed) and my response. I’ll call her “Janet” – and please, “Janet,” if it bothers you that I posted this, please just email me and I’ll delete this posting immediately. (I can receive email and access the web, but that’s it until Fred returns to our hotel room from his conference this evening.)

“Janet” wrote this:

Tara, Thank you for your blog. It helps me to realize that I’m not the only one struggling. It saddens me to see the church torn apart by conflict and it leaves you fearful of the next time. I will pray for you in your leadership role as I have discovered that it is a very vulnerable place to be. In one of your blogs you shared the following in response to conflict:

- Quit. Get out of the biz as it were. No more teaching, writing, conciliating, conflict coaching, serving. Run away. Close the door. Sit very still in a dark room under a warm blanket and try not to do or say anything that will only enflame people to judge, criticize, despise, attack, and hate you more. Give up on love. Give up on life.

That’s where I am at this point. Yet I know in my heart that its not how I should react so I struggle with the guilt. Please keep encouraging us with your words and pointing us back to Christ.

Only by His Grace, “Janet”

Wow! But did my heart feel the pain in this note.

I never go back and read my blogs (just like I don’t listen to my teaching tapes/CDs ... and I’ve even found it difficult to read through my book too) ... way too convicting! Well, that and the fact that I can be a little too self-critical at times (nice understatement, eh?). So, I forget what’s “out there” ...

But boy! Do I remember exactly what was going on when I wrote that blog ... I had been attacked. And attacked. And attacked. All by Christians. All “out of the blue.” And (just as it is always a shock to be attacked!), I was trembling with ... with ... with ... well, sorrow, yes. But a part of me was just MAD too. I felt misunderstood, unappreciated, and stupid. I was hurt, afraid, and angry.

I wanted to feel better! (Isn’t that a driving force to food, alcohol, television, shopping, ORGANIZING (!!) ... or prayer?)

I felt ALONE and BETRAYED and UNLOVED.
So I called a friend. A wonderful, godly, loving, faithful friend.

She is a leader in her church and her denomination.
And, like most leaders, she is continually attacked.

I remember when I called her – angry, hurt, in tears – and I said, “That’s it! I QUIT. I want OUT! This is ridiculous!”

And she – so wise, so mature, so funny and loving – responds, “Welcome to the club, Tara. We get tee-shirts you know.”

And in just a few moments, OF COURSE, my heart began to soften and I began to STOP looking at my miserable situation and the (immature? hurting? idolatrous? clueless? blind? mean? HUMAN!) people who were lashing out at me.

(Remember! When we take our eyes off of the Lord and put them on ourselves, our circumstance, or the other person ... WE ALWAYS DESPAIR.)

And, too weak to do it myself, my friend propped up my arms, prayed over me, and carried me until I could walk again.

OF COURSE love entails risk.
But better to love.

OF COURSE we will be hurt, misunderstood, and attacked if ever we try to do anything good in this life.
By faith, by grace, we strive to do good anyway.

We live, love, give ... NOT so that we will have happy lives or be treated well.
But in response to God’s mercy to us and solely for His glory!

Remember! Jesus said that in this life we WILL have trouble.
(Understatement?)
But we are called to TAKE HEART! For Jesus has deprived the world of its power to ultimately hurt us.

Thank You, Jesus!
And thank you, “Janet” for reaching out and ministering to all of us today.

We’re propping your arms up!
You’re not alone.
Never forget ... you’re not alone.

With love on behalf of the “peacemaking women” gals –
Tara B.

A few weeks ago I had a very (very!) strange experience ...

I was reading an article about a man who was gifted, passionate, and hard-working ... but very, very hard to get along with ... and all of a sudden I had the strongest impression that the article was about me!

You see, I know the author. And I’m fairly sure that this person would describe me in pretty much the same way he described the man in the article.

And one aspect of the article made me particularly sad. Very sad, in fact.

What was it? It was when the author remembered thinking about the difficult man (me?), "How can this guy’s wife even tolerate him?

I cringe. I just cringe.

Probably because I’ve thought it so often myself ... "How can Fred even tolerate me? More or less love me?"

And yet ... and yet ...

I know he does. I trust he does. Not because of what I do or say. Not because I deserve his love or friendship. Not because I’m a good wife, a godly friend, or a devoted mother to our precious Sophia. But simply because I am his.

Thank you, Fred.
And thank You, God, for Fred.
Grace with arms to hold me when I’m scared and lonely.
I am grateful. Very, very grateful.

If you’ve ever heard me teach at an event (or listened to one of my tapes or teaching CD’s), you may remember my die-hard-RULE about what happens to my journals if I croak …

Fred promises to burn them—destroy them—throw them away—whatever it takes to ensure that no one ever reads them.

SO … how do you think I’d feel if one of my journals was OUT THERE in the public somewhere? Can you say not too good?

Well, that’s where I am. That’s how I feel.

Why? Because I’m fairly certain that I took my journal out of my bag and put it on the roof of my car at a gas station somewhere in Wyoming (en route to Colorado) … and now it’s nowhere to be found.

So I’m assuming that a lonely Wyoming teen with nothing better to do is … a) reading it; b) typing it; and c) about to post it online.

Public humiliation! More public humiliation! More of my sins and failures out there for the world to see and judge.

Fred (our family’s optimist to me-the-pessimist) says, “Tara, there are very few people in Wyoming. I’m sure it’s in a ditch somewhere about to be eaten by a cow. Don’t worry about it.”

Good advice. Maybe I’ll take it. And maybe I’ll journal again one day? Hmmmmm … we’ll see.

Let’s pretend there is a 35-year old woman who struggles with a pervasive sense of being “not good enough.” We’ll call her Sara.

And let’s further pretend that “Sara” tries really really hard to relate well with people, honor the Lord, etc. etc. but often she fails. Miserably. She says the wrong thing. Does the wrong thing. And her overarching sense of being “bad” often clouds her thinking and feeling and leads her to do the extremely annoying thing of putting herself down.

Yes, yes. “Sara” knows this is wrong. There is nothing lovely or edifying about someone putting herself down all the time.
It’s unpleasant.
Stupid. Unbiblical. Ridiculous. Not God-glorifying. Not loving.

So what do you do?
Tell Sara to stop putting herself down so much?

(Because it’s wrong, bad, dumb, ridiculous, stupid? ... "Just like Sara is bad, stupid, dumb, a failure ... " Sara’s unbilblical and erroneous shame-filled thoughts scream at her internally.)

Or do you pray for the grace to fix your heart on Jesus,
and glimpsing even a sliver of His majesty and mercy,
turn to “Sara” with compassion. Patience. Kindness. Mercy.

When appropriate and loving – gently restore (confront) her ... recommitting yourself to her in safety, acceptance, friendship, and love. Pointing out the ways you struggle too (you’re no better than her!). Reminding her (and you!) of God’s grace and mercy and saving, redeeming, rescuing love. Meditating on Scripture together. Praying with her. Asking her to pray for you too.

So that two sinners
desperate for salvation
encourage one another to lay hold of Christ
His Word
His promises
Himself.

Oh, that “Sara” (and Tara) and all of us would give and receive “advice” like this ... for we are all in great need of grace.

I had the most lovely and edifying conversation with a friend today. (It turns out that she and I have the same “in-network” cell phone coverage so Yay! Even my tiny (tiniest available) cell phone minutes each month won’t have to be eaten up.)

During the call, she was reflecting on how the Lord may be calling her to minister to her unsaved family members. (Parents, siblings, etc.) Her childhood had a lot of struggles and sorrow, and now as an adult, she and her husband are prayerfully considering how God might be ministering His grace to her family through them. (It’s not pleasant to intentionally engage in these difficult relationships, is it?)

One thing that sticks out in my mind from the call is this exchange:

- My friend: “But I’m redeemed – so shouldn’t I be able to visit these childhood locations without fear? Shouldn’t I be able to go to them and minister Christ?”
- Me: “So ... I’m redeemed so I should be perfect?”
- My friend: “Ahhhh ... yes, that’s what it’s so easy to think, isn’t it?”
- Me: “Yes. I do it all the time. But I know Christ! So shouldn’t I be always be able to love the unloveable, have joy and peace and patience regardless of my circumstance, and minister Hope and Love all the time?”
- My friend: “Yeah. Sounds silly when you say it like that. Of course that’s not Christianity.”

What is Christianity?

NOT: “I am redeemed, so now I’d better be perfect.” NO!!!!!

Christianity – The Gospel says ... I am redeemed ... so that means that God, Who is rich in mercy, has granted me the gracious, merciful gifts of repentance and faith to believe on His Son, Jesus.

I am redeemed ... so that means that regardless of my ups & downs, struggles & successes & failures, great faith or areas of unbelief ... Christ is for me! God rescues me, leads me, comforts me, guides me, forgives me. Not because of me! But because of His mercy and His glory.

God brings glory to Himself by saving a sinner like me.

Amen and amen.
Thank You, God.
And thank you, my dear friend, for reminding me of the gospel of Jesus Christ.

The other night I was dutifully plowing through emails, to-do lists, thank you notes, bills, etc. and I made the off-hand comment to Fred:

"You never really can get on top of everything in life, can you?"

He laughed! Out loud!

I didn’t see the humor in my statement. After all, having just returned from almost two weeks away, I have been working for days now to try to dig myself out of an overflowing Inbox (I like to keep only actionable items in there), stacks of correspondence to respond to, receipts that need entering into Quicken, etc. etc. But as so often is the case, the more I worked, the more I realized or remembered even more things that needed my attention (dentist appointments, swimming lessons for Sophie, various cleaning projects of “areas of resistance” in my house – i.e., things to organize).

Fred just chuckled. He finds me sweet and funny – even when I think I’m a crazy ol' gal.

Thank God for a husband who is gracious and appreciative! He does not criticize the areas that I haven’t yet gotten to in the house; instead he celebrates the small steps of progress I make. He does not slam me upside the head with the law every time he sees my (many!) areas in need of further sanctification. Instead he prays for me and reminds me that I am loved by God because of Christ.

I would like to be more like Fred because he is more like Jesus.
I’m glad my quirkiness makes him laugh.

Today I leave on another trip out of state. This one is strange for me, however, and I am not feeling good about it. Pretty much every single thing I will do over the next five days is unknown to me–way out of my comfort zone. I can’t picture it. I can’t imagine what will happen, who I will meet, how I will have the opportunity to serve.

(I can, however, imagine in living color many of the mistakes I might make, stupid things I might say, ridiculously foolish things I might do – all trying to love well and honor God, but failing miserably.)

So why go? Because God calls me.
What if I spill something? Won’t be the first time.
Fall in a mud puddle? Again, not the first time.
Forget someone’s name? A normal part of my life.
Say something stupid? Ditto ditto. Been there, done that.
Try hard and fail? Really, this is getting too repetitive.

O God, please help me to turn the volume down (or destroy the tape altogether!) of these voices that cry out, “Failure! Idiot! Bad!” Silence them with Your Word, I pray.

You do not crush a bruised reed.
You do not quench that tiny spark of spiritual life left within my needy heart.
I am crushed by my failures. I despair of my own wisdom or resources to make anything worthwhile out of life.

O Lord, please comfort me with your tender care.
Forgive all my sins, I pray.
Heal me, I beg.

As Pastor Piper reminds us all, “I am never beyond healing unless I am beyond humbling.”

Your humbling, winnowing fire burns!
I am crushed almost to death by the weight of my inadequacies and the graceless rejection of people I long to trust and love.

But You do not reject your children.

Thank you, God.
Thank you that even I am not beyond healing, for my soul finds rest in You alone.
My only comfort is in You.
And though I deserve Your wrath and condemnation, You forgive the guilt of my sins.

Amen and amen.

***

I hope you will be encouraged by Pastor John Piper’s entire sermon ... it was such a comfort to me this morning ...

The Spirit Is Upon Him Gentle for Now

Ever since “the book” (Peacemaking Women) came out this month, I have been opening my email Inboxes and viewing my blog and related websites with much trepidation. Knowing how awful I truly was in relating with people (especially in my twenties!), I just cringe thinking of the many people who could write reviews and post “Tara evaluations” to the world as to what a jerk I was. Plus, there’s nothing like writing a book to bring out the criticisms galore!

But you know what? They’re all true! Of course they are. Or at least they have much truth to them – and probably more than you can even imagine.

Would you like a list of my failings? Total, 100%, awful failings? How much time do you have?! I doubt there is anyone in the world who could list them faster or with more passion than me.

How about the weaknesses in my writing? The book? Even these ol' blogs? ("Blogs are supposed to have LINKS! That’s what a blog REALLY is, Tara! Don’t you know anything?") Yes, yes. True, true. Oh-me-O-Oh-my-o-Oh-Cleve-land-Oh-hi-o, true true true. All the criticisms are true–about me, the book, all of it.

And really? I’m even worse than you could ever, ever imagine.

I have a back stage view of myself – my life, heart, thoughts; how I spend my time; my temptations, fears, passions. How lazy I am. How much I overwork. My faithless unbelief. My struggles are constant.

And it’s even worse than all that!

So why get out of bed in the morning?
Why log on and even think about looking at Amazon.com?
Why not just hide away and run away and fly away?

Because it’s not about me. Thank God!

This life is not about me. And this life is really, really short.

How I pray that I will remember that I have been forgiven all my sins – that my life might not be unproductive and ineffective in my feeble efforts to live out the gospel of Jesus Christ.

“Grace and peace be yours in abundance through the knowledge of God and of Jesus our Lord. His divine power has given us everything we need for life and godliness through our knowledge of him who called us by his own glory and goodness. Through these he has given us his very great and precious promises, so that through them you may participate in the divine nature and escape the corruption in the world caused by evil desires. For this very reason, make every effort to add to your faith goodness; and to goodness, knowledge; and to knowledge, self-control; and to self-control, perseverance; and to perseverance, godliness; and to godliness, brotherly kindness; and to brotherly kindness, love. For if you possess these qualities in increasing measure, they will keep you from being ineffective and unproductive in your knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ. But if anyone does not have them, he is nearsighted and blind, and has forgotten that he has been cleansed from his past sins.” 2 Peter 1:2-9

PS
Hey! A link. Just like a real blog. Hah hah.

This is an excellent article written by my beloved Pastor, Alfred Poirier, on “The Cross & Criticism.” Hope you enjoy!

The Cross and Criticism

Today I had to bring Sophie to the doctor (not an easy task on a Sunday morning). We are leaving on a trip in a week, so of course she is fighting an ear infection and an eye infection—both are currently making their way through the toddlers in our sphere of friends.

I struggle when I have to take her to the doctor. I feel like a failure as a mom (Happy Mother’s Day, by the way, to all you moms out there!)—"If only I took better care of her, she wouldn’t get sick.” (Maybe she has an ear infection because I let her dunk under the water too many times at swim class last week? I didn’t know you were only supposed to let them do it twice! And she just loves playing in the water.) “Maybe I’m just making this up to get attention?” (I used to fake being sick when I was a kid in order to get some sort of affection and attention from my parents. Maybe I’m doing the same thing as an adult? Oh, yeah, that pesky 102.5 degree fever and her swollen, fluid-filled ear drum—maybe I can’t fake that.)

Here this “I’ve only seen you once at the Sunday Walk-In Care Clinic” doctor ended up reassuring me, “Tara, you’re with your daughter all the time. You know her. Trust your instincts.” But I question myself all the time! I really do.

Fred gave me a lovely Mother’s Day card today—actually he gave me two, one from Sophia Grace and the other from him—in it he reiterated what he says to me quite regularly ... that he thinks I’m a great mom to Sophie, that I discipline her with love, enjoy her with laughter, comfort her consistently, and protect her with a watchful, maternal vigilance that encourages her to be courageous, but wise.

And yet ... and yet ... at the doctor’s today I said, “You know, there are actually some things that I feel competent about. I mean confident about my competency. But not motherhood. I feel neither confident nor competent.” And the doctor replied, “You know, Tara, there are many people who are quite confident, but they are not competent. If I were you, I’d give yourself a break.”

Yes, yes. My confidence and competence are in the Lord.

"Not that we are competent in ourselves to claim anything for ourselves, but our competence comes from God." 2 Corinthians 3:5

Back in grad school, I once had the privilege of serving a wonderful pastor who was beginning a new ministry. Fred and I respected this man greatly and was thrilled to get to work for him. I remember one day he said to me, “Tara, you don’t get to grade your own report card. Let Freddy and I do that.”

He said this because he observed me being very down on myself. Very self-critical. Always seeing the worst in me, my failings, my weaknesses, my horribleness—never giving myself a break as it were. He wanted to encourage me to think more rightly about myself.

(Not to dismiss our total depravity, of course, and our desperate need of The Savior! But just to have a more accurate view of my heart and life.)

Then I remember a time over breakfast years ago when my dear, dear friend made me read Philippians 4:8 out loud ("what ever is true, lovely, right, admirable, excellent, praiseworthy ...")—and then she asked me, “Tara, when you think about yourself, isn’t it true that you only see what is false, ugly, wrong, worthy of disdain, horrible, worthy of rejection and scorn?” Yes, it was true. She said, “You know, I’d encourage you to beat yourself up constantly if that were biblical, if that were Christian, pleasing to God, edifying to your soul—but it’s not!”

Of course she was right too.

What got me thinking about all of this was a sweet, encouraging, refreshing email I received from a friend this morning. I had apologized to her recently for (yet another) social gaffe I had made, and she responded with gentle acceptance and true love. She counseled me to not be too hard on myself. She gave me grace.

It was so wonderful! I felt like I could wrap myself up in the safety of her friendship.

Love that covers over a multitude of sins is pure grace. How I pray that I will preach and live out the gospel of grace to myself as well as to others each and every day.

“Although I am less than the worst of all God’s people, this grace was given me ...” Ephesians 3:8

Recently, I have been struggling with shame. Again. Going throughout my day, making Fred’s lunch, getting ready for events, caring for Sophia – but all the while burdened by this horrible, vague sense that no matter how hard I try, it is never be good enough.

One day I said to Fred, “I am such a failure! Why even try any more?” And he replied, “There is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.”

"Yes," I said, “I know that I am forgiven my sins, but what about my stupidity?”

What about our stupidity? Failures? Weaknesses? Immaturities? Foolishness? Fallenness?

Yes, yes. We are forgiven our sins and our fallnness is covered by God’s grace too. What comfort we have in knowing that our standing with God is not based on us–our “good” parts (filthy rags) or our “bad.”

We fail, but He never fails. We are faithless, He is faithful.

“My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.” Psalm 73:26