Thinking through my entire adult life …

During our vacation, one day I had over an hour to myself to just sit and think and pray. I was very relaxed and I began to “replay” or think about my entire adult life. It made me very sad.

I thought about high school where I so desperately wanted to have real friends and some sort of “home” … and I thought I did in my circle of (choir / marching band / french club / speech team / NHS) friends.

But then I remembered how my friends confronted me on my (many!) weaknesses and I had to PERFORM to get to keep being around them (which I did) and it just didn’t feel very safe or loving to me. No home there.

Then I thought about my church in high school–and how much I loved the people there.

But I always felt like a misfit. I attended by myself (not in one of those loving families with teenagers who grew up in the church); I’m sure people thought I was strange. I felt a lot of condemnation and judgment even from people who I also loved and I know loved me. Again, just didn’t feel like a safe “home.”

On to college … and my failures with roommates and friends were just SCREAMING in my ears; but now I had the added shame of REJECTION by “first loves.”

Although SO grateful now that those relationships broke off–because otherwise I wouldn’t be with Fred!–I was just overwhelmed with my stupidity, brokenness, sin, shame. It was crushing.

Then I remember feeling happy a bit when Fred and I were engaged and married and I had a home.

FINALLY A HOME!

But then I started thinking about my jobs. Yes, it was a miracle that we could pay off $73,000 in just over two years (thank You, God!); but I was thinking about failures on jobs and in professional relationships.

I tried SO HARD! But it never felt like I fit in. Even “safe” and mature Christians that I trusted … ultimately? Rejection.

So where did all this mental meandering leave me?

Well, of course I told Fred and we prayed together. And he asked me this:

“Tara, don’t you think most people feel that way? On a certain level? Do any of us experience that happy, safe, HOME you are describing? I know I don’t. I never really feel like I fit in either. And I bet that if you polled the women at your events, the majority would say the same thing.”

I really hadn’t thought about that — but I think Fred is right. It’s like so many CS Lewis essays and books … we long for home. We long for HOME. But until Heaven … none of us is ever truly there. We catch glimpses of home; the scent wafts across our nostrils; our hearts warm just a TAD with the sense of it … but we are left wanting.

And then Fred also pointed out how I really was ONLY remembering the PAINFUL aspects of my life. Seriously. I’m being totally honest .. when I think about my life, ALL I REMEMBER AND SEE IS FAILURE FAILURE FAILURE FAILURE FAILURE.

Fred pointed out friendships and relationships that have lasted now for 15 and 20 years! Ways that I did do a good job at various workplaces and I was a productive, happy, helpful employee. Times that I actually blessed, encouraged, or even helped people.

And I was reminded of how true it is that (many of us!) almost always DISCOUNT ANY GOOD and DEFINE OURSELVES ONLY BY THE BAD.

But this is not true.
This is not Christianly.
And there is no gospel in it.

And so I’m (running!) to the dog groomer’s now with a repentant heart.

I am praying … Please, God, forgive my selfish, self-centered, pitty-pot-whiny-pitty-party.
Please help me to honestly own up to my failures, sin, unbelief, weaknesses, ugliness and to cast myself firmly on Your Grace in Christ Jesus, my Savior and my Lord.

Please help me to STOP being defined by ME
and to take my eyes OFF of ME
and to live this day with Hope because YOU are a saving, redeeming, merciful God.

Thank You for forgiving me all my sins!
Please help me, God, to live this day breathing in Your Grace and remembering Your Truth.
May Your Word become more loud and vivid that my previous life experiences
and the “ruts” of my rotten, faithless thinking.

Purify and cleanse me, I pray!

Your grateful sheep,
Tara