Stuck — Just a Tiny Bit (OK, a huge bit!) in the Trap of Unforgiveness

I’m having a strange December.

The majority of my life is actually really great. I feel centered in Christ, happy, loving, even down-right Merry. I’m laughing a lot and relaxing with friends and family (and Golden Retrievers). I’m also aware of what a grace this is—so many of my friends are going through frustrations and suffering and just not feeling “in the mood” to celebrate Advent and the Incarnation with their standard Christmas traditions. I’ve sure been there!

But not this year. No, I’m actually feeling pretty good. I’m even about to install a giant blow-up PENGUIN onto our yard (avec “Happy Birthday” balloon) to prepare for the great MISSION CREEP (from playdate to party) Penguin Palooza Playdate Party (with sleepover for NINE LITTLE GIRLS). (Never, ever thought I’d have a blow-up anything on my lawn but man! He is so cute and perfect for the theme. And Uncle Paul & Aunt Janet sent him all the way from Waukesha, Wisconsin. So we’re in. We’re so smilingly, silly-ly in.)

Still. Even with all of this happy birthdayness and jollinenss, there are two hard things in my life right now. (Probably more, but these are the two things that are hardest.) One is the precariousness of our financial situation. (Oh! That NEVER feels good, does it?) Secondly, I’m struggling with retreating into a protective stance regarding one relationship. I don’t want to hurt this person. I don’t actively think mean thoughts about this person. I just don’t want to be on the receiving end of this person’s attacks. For whatever reason, my emotional skin is feeling bruised and thin and vulnerable.

And so … I’m praying! And I’m also reviewing some books (that I’ve journaled through more than once) to help me to understand why I am prioritizing self-protection over proactive love towards this person. Chief among them (other than the Bible of course) is Nancy Leigh DeMoss’s (fantastic!) book, Choosing Forgiveness: Your Journey to Freedom. I think this book is probably the most helpful contemporary book for turning away from bitterness, unforgiveness, and gracelessness.

That last one is the real kicker, isn’t it? Why in the world am I not responding with grace and mercy and love towards even this person who has hurt me? (See Romans 12 for a clear call to do these things ESPECIALLY WHEN the other person does not deserve it … after all, as I’ve said a zillion times on this blog, isn’t that what MERCY is for? The undeserving? Because if they deserved it, it wouldn’t be mercy, it would be justice.)

There really can only be one reason that I am stuck in unforgiveness and lovelessness: I am not seeing God rightly and myself rightly. I am not being overwhelmed by His mercy to me and my (totally depraved!) need for His mercy. If I were, then I would be worshiping Him rightly. And if I were worshiping Him rightly (loving Him with all my heart, soul, mind and strength), then the overflow would be love for neighbor. And enemy. (Even if that enemy is actually a friend, a family member, or loved one who just FEELING more like an enemy to us in this moment.)

Oh, Lord! Please help us all to see You and worship You and then, to overflow with gracious, grace-filled love for the people around us.

“Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good. Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves … Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer … Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse … Live in harmony with one another. Do not be proud … Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everyone. If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God’s wrath … Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.” (Excerpts from Romans 12)

Hope your Thursday is a blessed one!

Your friend,
Tara B.