Struggling with Guilt???
Today I received an email from a woman and my silly email is on the fritz! so I can only receive but not respond. Eek!
I didn’t want her to think that I didn’t care, however, and so I hope that she won’t mind me posting her note here (with all identifying information removed) and my response. I’ll call her “Janet” — and please, “Janet,” if it bothers you that I posted this, please just email me and I’ll delete this posting immediately. (I can receive email and access the web, but that’s it until Fred returns to our hotel room from his conference this evening.)
“Janet” wrote this:
Tara, Thank you for your blog. It helps me to realize that I’m not the only one struggling. It saddens me to see the church torn apart by conflict and it leaves you fearful of the next time. I will pray for you in your leadership role as I have discovered that it is a very vulnerable place to be. In one of your blogs you shared the following in response to conflict:
– Quit. Get out of the biz as it were. No more teaching, writing, conciliating, conflict coaching, serving. Run away. Close the door. Sit very still in a dark room under a warm blanket and try not to do or say anything that will only enflame people to judge, criticize, despise, attack, and hate you more. Give up on love. Give up on life.
That’s where I am at this point. Yet I know in my heart that its not how I should react so I struggle with the guilt. Please keep encouraging us with your words and pointing us back to Christ.
Only by His Grace, “Janet”
Wow! But did my heart feel the pain in this note.
I never go back and read my blogs (just like I don’t listen to my teaching tapes/CDs … and I’ve even found it difficult to read through my book too) … way too convicting! Well, that and the fact that I can be a little too self-critical at times (nice understatement, eh?). So, I forget what’s “out there” …
But boy! Do I remember exactly what was going on when I wrote that blog … I had been attacked. And attacked. And attacked. All by Christians. All “out of the blue.” And (just as it is always a shock to be attacked!), I was trembling with … with … with … well, sorrow, yes. But a part of me was just MAD too. I felt misunderstood, unappreciated, and stupid. I was hurt, afraid, and angry.
I wanted to feel better! (Isn’t that a driving force to food, alcohol, television, shopping, ORGANIZING (!!) … or prayer?)
I felt ALONE and BETRAYED and UNLOVED.
So I called a friend. A wonderful, godly, loving, faithful friend.
She is a leader in her church and her denomination.
And, like most leaders, she is continually attacked.
I remember when I called her — angry, hurt, in tears — and I said, “That’s it! I QUIT. I want OUT! This is ridiculous!”
And she — so wise, so mature, so funny and loving — responds, “Welcome to the club, Tara. We get tee-shirts you know.”
And in just a few moments, OF COURSE, my heart began to soften and I began to STOP looking at my miserable situation and the (immature? hurting? idolatrous? clueless? blind? mean? HUMAN!) people who were lashing out at me.
(Remember! When we take our eyes off of the Lord and put them on ourselves, our circumstance, or the other person … WE ALWAYS DESPAIR.)
And, too weak to do it myself, my friend propped up my arms, prayed over me, and carried me until I could walk again.
OF COURSE love entails risk.
But better to love.
OF COURSE we will be hurt, misunderstood, and attacked if ever we try to do anything good in this life.
By faith, by grace, we strive to do good anyway.
We live, love, give … NOT so that we will have happy lives or be treated well.
But in response to God’s mercy to us and solely for His glory!
Remember! Jesus said that in this life we WILL have trouble.
(Understatement?)
But we are called to TAKE HEART! For Jesus has deprived the world of its power to ultimately hurt us.
Thank You, Jesus!
And thank you, “Janet” for reaching out and ministering to all of us today.
We’re propping your arms up!
You’re not alone.
Never forget … you’re not alone.
With love on behalf of the “peacemaking women” gals —
Tara B.