Relationships & Peacemaking

Pain is the Price we Pay for Love

July 3, 2012 /

dread

Two of my dearest friends are facing similar “peacemaking opportunity” (i.e. CONFLICT) situations this week, although each is in a different context. One is in the church. The other is in a business situation. But both are the same issue: they have been informed that someone “out there” is upset with them and is talking to others about them behind their backs.

Of all of the peacemaking scenarios, I think I dread this one the most.

It is so tempting to really freak out and lose perspective when we have to go to church or go to work knowing that someone we are sharing fellowship with, taking communion with, or just doing our career duties with, is angry or annoyed enough with us to talk to others, but not to talk with us. How do you respond when you can’t respond because you have no idea who it is or what you have done?

Three things come readily to mind and I have shared them with both of my friends:

1. Recognize that this is an opportunity for growth for everyone involved: you, the person who is mad with you, and the person who TOLD YOU that someone is mad with you. We can all use timely reminders of what the Bible actually says about conflict and how we are called to respond. The Peacemaker Ministries Website is chock-full of great resources and, of course, Ken Sande’s book, “The Peacemaker,” is one of those books we need to read and re-read often.

2. Try not to freak out and overreact. I know that when this situation has happened in my own life, I can be tempted to doubt EVERYONE—even real friends who (when I’m rational) I know would never do this to me. For example, we talk a lot about this very scenario in our church’s homeschool co-op. It’s right there in our mission statement and organizing documents—and we teach the children every week that when we have a problem with one another, we will and we must work it out. Rather than talking about the other person to others, we talk to the person directly. And even when things get hard—we are members of the same church! So that means we have taken membership vows to one another and we never give up on each other. In fact—if we get REALLY STUCK, maybe we are afraid to go and speak with someone, maybe the whole “difficult conversation idea” is just too hard for us? Well. Then we know that we can take someone along with us to help us—often a church leader or other lay leader because they are all trained in biblical peacemaking and they are all ready and equipped to help us.

Still. Even knowing all of that truth, it can be hard in the actual moment when we know there is someone “out there” who is not only unhappy with us, they are talking to OTHERS about us behind our back. Oh oh oh. That is such an unpleasant thing to bear, but bear it we must. We must put to death unedifying thoughts of trying to GUESS who it is (“Maybe it’s so and so!” or “Maybe it’s HER!). Such speculation is not only unhelpful, it can be destructive in its own way when we start to question and doubt and fear.

A more God-glorifying, loving-of-neighbor, NOT FREAKING OUT response would be to REST in the Lord. PRAY that the conflict will come to light in a way that it can be resolved. Keep your heart FIXED on the Lord Jesus Christ; rejoice in your union with Christ; your eternal home in heaven with him one day; his love and salvation and brotherhood and friendship that NEVER gossips about you; ALWAYS protects you; CONTINUALLY thinks the best of you; NEVER stands back and points a finger and judges you (!!), but instead, warmly comes to your side and asks you for a cup of water; asks if he may share a meal with you … whoever you are, however annoying / immature / blind / in need of not only repentance but just GROWING UP you are. Jesus calls us his friends. Keep that eternal perspective of how Jesus views you—and you will have what you need to walk through even this confusing, distasteful, disappointing, annoying, frightening situation you are facing today.

3. If you do have the opportunity to meet with the other person (and I hope you do!), prepare in advance to listen with compassion and care. If you’re anything like me, you will probably be, in the flesh, a little frustrated, hurt, and even angry at the other person for not just coming to you directly. But people are people! And people are flawed. You are flawed. The other person is flawed. You are both desperate for the Savior and both beloved by the Savior. Remember how much you have been forgiven as you head into this difficult conversation! Ask God to help you to make a full confession when that is appropriate. Be quick to lavish forgiveness on the other person and cover over a multitude of sins with pure grace.

Oh, and one last thin to consider …

When you are blindsided (I sometimes call it “suckerpunched”) by someone you thought you had a pretty good relationship with. (Maybe you weren’t besstest of friends, but as far as you knew, there were no open conflicts brewing between the two of you. You respected her. She seemed to respect and even enjoy you. Maybe it was a boss/employee relationship that seemed to be going OK for you … and then … *** BOOOOOOOM! *** CRASH!!! *** without any warning, you are called into “the meeting” or sent “the email” (calling you into “the meeting”). Maybe you naively even looked FORWARD to the meeting because it was with people you love and admire and enjoy and you assumed something GOOD was happening.

But instead.

  • Maybe you are fired on the spot / kicked out of the fellowship group / removed from leadership. (Yeah. Wow. That’s going to have to be the subject of another blog, I think.)
  • Maybe it’s less serious, but it sure is unpleasant! You learn that you have been doing things that annoy and irritate people and it MUST STOP. Maybe it’s your tone of voice; your use of technology; how much/little you speak up; how many office birthdays you celebrate … who knows? Certainly not you! Because your managers/the people in the conversation tell you it’s about people “out there” (who? we’re not going to say) / (how many? we’re not going to say).
  • Perhaps there are serious wrongs and offenses that need serious attention and change. Could be. And boy! You’d better get on that, of course.

 
Whatever the situation, I want to sign off this post by reminding you that it’s OK to cry in these types of situations. Well. Probably best to cry PRIOR TO these types of situations—alone or with a trusted friend; probably best to not lose it in front of these people who are merely the communicators of the nameless faceless criticism.

But it is always a shock when we are attacked. ESPECIALLY when we are attacked by Christians. So cry a little. Weep, wail, mourn, grieve, lament … and then, trust God and love people—even if, for a short season, our love for the person causes us actual physical and emotional pain because it is layered with betrayal and grief and some of us may be tempted to pull far, far away from love in general. Don’t do it.

Don’t give up on love just because you are being hurt by people who claim to love you.

Grow wiser? Yes! Love more appropriately? Yes! Rethink your relationships with these specific people? You bet!

But DON’T give up on love!

Pain is the price we pay for love.

And love is worth it.

And with that, I’m signing off for the day! I hope your weekend is a restful, happy one! We are all counting down the days until the 2015 Peacemaker Conference, which is right around the corner (September 24-26 in Denver). Hope to see you there!

Your friend,
Tara B.