Overwhelmed? Try Organizing … or PRAYER

(Originally posted in 2005–Sorry to be out of Internet contact for a few days.)

Last week I completely lost it. Internally at least – I was just freaking out. (Funny – I’m sort of feeling that way this morning too.) Anyway, things were swirling & swirling, it seemed like no matter how hard I tried, I just couldn’t get on top of anything. I knew how I should have been (calm, happy, joyful, hopeful, godly, warm, loving, patient …), but I could barely breathe! My failures only intensified my messed-up heart.

So what did I do? I grabbed my husband’s worship music folder and organized it. Yup. Right there in the midst of the storm – did I help with dinner, visit with guests, take care of my daughter, or even just show an ounce of mercy to my husband? Nope. I sat and three-hole punched and alphabetized and accomplished one stupid little dumb thing.

Ugh.

Like a drunk to the bottle. Like an addict to her fix. A spender to her favorite online store. A compulsive exerciser to the gym. Instead of turning to the Lord – worshipping Him, remembering His grace, thanking Him for His mercy, begging Him for His help … what did I do?

I placated myself at the trough of my idol–organizing and had a temporary sense of relief. But of course it doesn’t last. Idols never really satisfy. Not truly. Not lasting.

So here I sit again this morning–struggling with my fears, overwhelmed by my disappointments, frustrated, hurt, lonely.

What hope is there for me?!

Thanks be to God–for He sees me in my lowly estate and does not withhold His love from me. For His love is based on His covenant of grace, His mercy–not my worthiness.

Oh, God, please have mercy on me this day and every day! I am desperate for Your grace. Amen.

‘The LORD, the LORD, the compassionate and gracious God, slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness, maintaining love to thousands, and forgiving wickedness, rebellion and sin.’ Exodus 34:6-7

**
UPDATE
**

Just this week (July 2005), I received the following email from a friend in response to this blog. I was astoundingly blessed and I thought it might bless you too …

“It would be a real joy for me to have a chance to spend a little time with you again when schedules permit … You are a remarkable and fascinating person and I count it a privilege to call you friend. Yes, you are imperfect, but so are we all.

Tara, you are so very aware of your failings, and though that is not always a bad thing since it leads to confession and repentance, it can cause such despair when it is a constant drumbeat of self condemnation.

The picture of you organizing Fred’s music folder in the midst of the upheaval of your family member’s visit broke my heart. You saw yourself as a selfish wife/ mother/ daughter choosing to do her neurotic thing rather than ‘behave’ properly. I see you at that moment as the little girl who had exerted such enormous and exhausting effort, desperately seeking to establish peace and safety in the midst of chaos.

Even a harsh, judgmental sinner like me has compassion on you Tara. How much more compassionate is our God? (…You are a forgiving God, gracious and compassionate, slow to anger and abounding in love. Therefore, you did not desert them, even when … Nehemiah 9:17b).

Tara, you have endured more heartache and pain than many of us. And yes, you must seek to live a sanctified life by God’s amazing grace. But you will never, ever be perfect. As you tried to assure me, God loves you fully even when you are at your most miserable. I know you know Truth, (and all the verses that go with it, to boot)- but I am just gently and with love reminding you to believe it applies to you too, not just in theory but in fact!

The Lord your God is with you,
He is mighty to save.
He will take great delight in you,
He will quiet you with his love,
He will rejoice over you with singing.

Zephaniah 3:17″

Thank God for His mercies!
Thank God for friends. Amen and amen.