Loving Confrontation Will Not Ultimately Harm Us (Even if It Hurts)

Talking with someone about an apparent sin or temptation has to be one of the most difficult things to do in all of life.

Yesterday, my five year-old brought some excellent questions about why Galatians 6:1 “rescue” and Matthew 7 “helping someone with the speck in their eye” are not the same thing as being the “proud, super-holy, Pharisee people” (in Luke 7) who judged the woman who was wiping Jesus’ feet with her tears and her hair:

“Aren’t we JUDGING and thinking we are BETTER when we talk with people about this hard stuff?” she asked me, so sincerely.

What a good question! And what a loooooooong conversation we had to unpack the distinctions in those biblical passages. I found myself time and time again (internally) referring to some of the content in my first book, “Peacemaking Women” as I talked with her:

“Gently Restore

As difficult as it is, sometimes we are called to go humbly to the people who have wronged us in order to help them to understand better how they have contributed to our conflicts. Of course, when appropriate, we should be quick to overlook (Prov. 19:11) and we must always first confess our own sins (Matt. 7:5). But if we cannot overlook, after we have confessed our own sins, we are called to help the person who has offended us by gently restoring her (Gal. 6:1) and helping her remove the speck from her eye (Matt. 7:5).

Apart from the gospel, such humble and loving confrontations would be unthinkable. Sinners simply do not have the right to point out someone else’s sin, do they? Yes, they do. Genuine biblical love requires that sometimes we confront others. Jesus explicitly taught us: ‘If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you. If he listens to you, you have won your brother over’ (Matt. 18:15). The fact that we too are sinners does not remove the responsibility to lovingly confront. Nowhere in Scripture does our own sinfulness remove from us the requirement to help others see their faults and deal with them. It is the grace of God that enables us to minister truth, mercy, hope, and love to our brothers and sisters in Christ through biblical confrontation. We confront because we are compelled by love. As John Stott has often said, ‘Grace is love that cares and stoops and rescues.’5 One way we care for and rescue one another is to gently confront.

Galatians 6:1–2 says, ‘Brothers, if someone is caught in a sin, you who are spiritual should restore him gently. But watch yourself, or you also may be tempted. Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.’ The term ‘restore’ in this passage means to mend in the same way we might mend holes in a net or set a broken bone. The term ‘caught,’ however, includes an element of surprise. In the same way that a fisherman might cast his net over the side of his boat only to realize, too late, that his leg is caught in the net, we can be caught off guard by our own sin. The weight of the net pulls the fisherman over the side and he begins to sink. He can barely hold on with one hand to the side of the boat, but if he lets go of the boat to try to free his leg, he will drown. He is not strong enough to pull himself back into the boat. He is caught.

Sadly, metaphorically speaking, if this fisherman was a Christian caught in sin, many of us would mock him: ‘Hey! Jerry! I thought you were a fisherman? No fisherman would ever let himself get stuck like that. Hey, you guys, come look at Jerry, he claims to be a fisherman. Can you believe what he did?’ A woman is caught in the sin of gossip or gluttony and we cluck behind our church bulletins, ‘She claims to be a Christian.’ A man leaves his wife and children, or is incarcerated for embezzling, and we say, ‘No Christian would ever get caught in a mess like that.’ Instead of such a proud and condemning response, we ought to run to the side of the boat and help our brother or sister. ‘Jump in! Hold his neck up so he can breathe! Get a knife and cut the net! Go and get help. He’s in trouble and he needs us!’ This should be the response of the church.

Instead of such rescue, when someone offends us, our natural inclination is often to go angrily to confront her or embarrass her. But anytime we want to confront, a red flag is raised and it is probably best to wait. When we are eager to confront, we are often acting out of selfish motivations. If it grieves us to confront another person, and we do so prayerfully and lovingly, it is probably the right thing to do. Our purpose in going to the other person must never be to make ourselves ‘feel better.’ Godly confrontation seeks to restore by glorifying God, serving the other person, and helping to promote unity within the church.

One final point under ‘Gently Restore’: even if a proper and loving confrontation hurts, it will not ultimately cause harm. God would never command us to do something without also intending a morally good result. I (Judy) remember a time in my twenties when my supervisor assessed me for a promotion and rejected me. His candid words were deeply wounding, yet they provided me with opportunity for reflection and growth. As painful as his words were, they never ultimately harmed me. They were used by God to help me change. Paul writes of this godly sorrow in 2 Corinthians: ‘Even if I caused you sorrow by my letter, I do not regret it. Though I did regret it—I see that my letter hurt you, but only for a little while—yet now I am happy, not because you were made sorry, but because your sorrow led you to repentance. For you became sorrowful as God intended and so were not harmed in any way by us. Godly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regret . . .’ (2 Cor. 7:8–10a).”

[A re-post from 2010]