Longing to Fit In (And Finding Contentment in Christ Alone)
I was reflecting yesterday about how we all, at times, peer in on certain relationships and wish we would easily “fit in.”
It could be a prayer group or a playdate; the “leaders” of your church or organization; a certain small group; or even just a set of friends who always seem to be sharing in inside laugh about some outing, adventure, or time just hanging out around the grill.
It feels so good to be wanted! To enfold into a group of people who say, “We like her! She’s great! We love to spend time together.”
This is a natural, human tendency. We were created to worship (God) and that means we were created for relationship. Our relationship with God overflows into our human relationships (“Love God and love neighbor …”), so I don’t think there is anything wrong with this propensity.
It’s how we respond when we DON’T GET WHAT WE WANT that matters.
Are we bitter?
Do we pull back from the people who we perceive as “rejecting” us? (And maybe they ARE rejecting us. Do we reject them in response? Or do we serve, love, and pray for them? Do we enjoy whatever level of relationship we DO get to have with them without demanding MORE MORE MORE?)
Rather than rejoicing in the relationships and friendships we DO have, are we malcontent? Jealous? ENVIOUS?
(Remember Plantinga’s chapter on Envy from “Not the Way It’s Supposed to Be: A Breviary of Sin”? My quick paraphrase: Envy is when jealousy turns that ugly corner from just wanting what the other person has to wanting THEM to NOT HAVE IT (wanting bad things for them) AND wanting what they have. Yeep!)
If our response is anything other than running to Christ and finding ourselves fully in Him; sure, being honest about our feelings and even grieving when we are legitimately lonely; but then responding with gracious, selfless, forbearing kindness and love … then we need to get help because we are caught in sin.
And just like any other sin, if we give our love, time, emotions, attention, energy—WORSHIP—over to this desire for people to like us and include us, it will be our destruction. Because people will never love and accept us “enough.” Friends will never be “good enough” friends. They won’t always “get us.” We won’t always be “included.”
If we are looking to PEOPLE for our security and happiness, we are going to end up insecure and miserable.
(Plus, being so over-focused on the acceptance of PEOPLE is a clear sign of our immaturity as Believers. I was trying to illustrate that last point for you this morning with a great CS Lewis essay about men who are always trying to “get a seat at the cool kids’ table”. (Again, my paraphrase of course. Man! I am so not representing these great theologians very well, am I?) But having spent a few hours this morning going through a number of his books and essays while I waited for Fred and Soph to wake up, I still can’t find the essay. I’ll post it if I do …)
The bottomline is that community is good. Friendship is good. Relationships are important. But they are not God. The gospel calls us to cultivate, delight in, and even work hard on our relationships—but NOT make an idolatrous demand out of them.
(BTW—as usual, I am so convicted even as I type these words because WOW! It just seems like I am surrounded these days by grandparents and aunts and uncles and cousins who are all delighting in new babies and helping young families, etc. etc. And I have REALLY had to fight against allowing my feelings of isolation/aloneness to develop into jealousy and envy. I have SO MUCH to be grateful for! And yet, my heart is so prone to wander; so prone to selfishness and sick with self-love that even I who have been SO BLESSED would be tempted to complain. Oh, how grateful I am that God has mercy on me!)
Last point on this topic: It seems to me that some of us are particularly prone to a) struggle in relationships; and then b) struggle with feeling very, very lonely when we don’t have “plentiful” and “easy” relationships.
Maybe we have really poor social skills because we didn’t grow up around healthy, functioning people who modeled and taught us how to BE in relationships. We’re learning and maturing as adults, but we still function in the Pre-K level of how to be a good friend, work on a team, converse in a group setting … love our neighbor.
Perhaps we’ve been tremendously hurt, betrayed, attacked, and abandoned by people we trusted; and even though God is growing us in grace and healing deep hurts, we still have a bit of a “guarded” nature. It’s hard for us to reach out. We try to love freely and openly, but we still have a little bit of self-protection deep down inside. (And since the majority of communication is non-verbal, even though we don’t WANT to communicate this about ourselves, WE DO. And it makes it hard for people to get to know us.)
Maybe we REALLY relate to my “Female Leaders with Powerful Personalities” teaching because we just have one of those driver, Type-A, “strong” personalities that can be, well, GREAT in a crisis, but a little hard to relax around / love / enjoy when you first get to know us. And yes, we are learning how to be more gentle and appropriate to various social situations, but still … some people are just easier to get to know. The Freds and Samaras of the world are, well, really pleasant and fun to be around and some of us take a little more effort to love.
Whatever the case, whether our cup overflows with happy, healthy friendships; or if we are currently grieving in our loneliness … God is with us. He has promised (covenanted) to be our God and we are the people of His pasture.
So what can Man do to us?
What grief are we called to bear in this life that is too great?
Jesus has overcome the world; He has deprived the world of its power to ULTIMATELY hurt us (John 16:33).
He cares about us. He saves us from our sin, from Hell, from ourselves.
He is our Savior, Brother, and He even calls us His friends.
That’s enough “fitting in” for me. I pray it is for you too.
Blessings on your Friday!
Yours,
Tara B.