Helping Someone re: Clutter/Hoarding (and NOT being critical/judgmental while you do so)

Beginning with my sister’s bedroom when I was not even seven years old, I’ve helped lots of people to organize big messes. I truly enjoy pulling out piles and piles from underneath beds, stuffed in boxes / closets / drawers / piled on desks and dressers. I like to get everything “out there” and then sort by genre and status (garbage / give away / sell / archive / currently useful). And then my favorite part comes—a trip to The Container Store for new systems (!). It’s like a big ol’ back-breaking, brain-relaxing party to me. (Some of you will relate, you office-supply-lovin-folks! And others will just shake their heads a little bit. That’s OK. We all enjoy what we enjoy.)

ANYWAY … in various de-cluttering situations, I’ve served well and I’ve served poorly. Sometimes, I’ve served well task-wise, but run roughshod over the person, so that’s means I’ve served poorly. In thinking about two specific times that I tried, most sincerely, to help people—but one time, I failed miserably and the other time, things have gone pretty well—I’ve realized a few things that may help some of you if you ever try to help a person struggle with clutter/hoarding. (This is a portion of a much lengthier email I sent to someone who asked me about this topic many months ago. All identifying information has, of course, been removed.):

Over the years I have helped a lot of people with a lot of challenges related to clutter / disorder in their homes. This has ranged from a messy desk all the way to absolute chaos and squalor (animal-feces-and-urine-soaked carpet, beheaded mice in mouse traps in the kitchen, moldy food in cabinets and fridges, etc.). For someone to allow me into this, their worst, most embarrassing part of life? Well. If I want to truly help them, then the foundational issue that I must truly BELIEVE and then COMMUNICATE is this: I am just like you. I am. You may look at my orderly home replete with labeled storage containers and file folders galore and think, ‘She’s so much better than me.’ But it is not true. We all have areas of weakness and areas of strength; things that tempt us and things that don’t. I feel overwhelmed and hopeless about many areas of life—it just so happens that I am, by nature, an orderly person. It comes easily to me—but many, MANY, things do not.

I must truly believe, feel, and communicate that I ACCEPT this person (and her home) JUST AS IT IS. That I want to spend time with her. That she doesn’t have to change ONE WHIT in order for me to want to be her friend and enjoy her company. Chaos or order; filthy or clean—I’m FOR her. She doesn’t have to change to earn my acceptance. I truly believe that if we miss this step when we set out to help someone, then our efforts will not be Christianly / gospel-soaked. Instead? We will put them in some category of ‘other’ that is ‘out there’ (unlike us) and then, even motivated by love and concern, we will wrongly try FIX THEM and HELP THEM and DELIVER THEM—all jobs that belong solely in the realm of the HOLY SPIRIT. Whom, we are NOT. Without this leveling, this normalizing? Our efforts to help them will come across as criticism and judgment—because they are.

Although I am much more prone to want to JUMP IN and GET GOING on all of the clutter/stuff (you may want to read the organizing section of my blog to see just HOW much I enjoy de-cluttering :)! ), I have learned that RELATIONSHIP and CONVERSATION is what matters way more than the stuff. The piles and piles are merely the ‘presenting issue’, the tip of the iceberg, the tiny glimpse into someone’s heart. And yes, I can really (REALLY!) help with the piles and clutter. But what will last for eternity? Why am I REALLY there? Love. The love OF God, our love FOR God; love of neighbor. Love. Again, people can tell if you really love them. If you are a safe person for them. And when someone who struggles with hoarding or squalor or just extremely disorder invites you into that part of her life? Oh my STARS! It is such a vulnerable thing for them. We must be loving first and helpful with the stuff second.

Something that might help you in this regard is to remember what our pastor is always calling us to do in situations like this: Put her struggle in the context of YOUR struggle. OK. You don’t hoard. Great. But you do struggle with something. What is your hardest, most embarrassing area of life? What makes you cringe? What sin do you think, ‘Will I NEVER get over this sin?!’ Think about THAT when you are surrounded by her piles. And this might help to guard your heart and attitude—and then your words and actions will be more gracious too.