FLASHBACK And frustration over my similar response.)

This week, as I was checking my boss and me into our hotel, I had the strangest déjà vu experience. It was like I was back in 2000 checking my (then) boss and me into our hotel … and the same stupid thing happened: The hotel got pretty much everything wrong with the reservation.

(We were supposed to have club level king non-smoking rooms and we were being put into rooms with double beds and they even tried to foist SMOKING rooms on us! We were supposed to be able to check-in at 4:00 and it was already 6:30 and we were being told that our rooms wouldn’t be available for another hour. Etc. Etc.)

Typical business traveler situation—no biggie.
BUT I FREAKED OUT. (Just like I did in 2000.)

(Oh man! I thought I was growing and maturing a bit. What is UP with me anyway?!?)

It’s was like a total FLASHBACK in time.
I was frustrated and upset. I wasn’t grateful. I was neither pleasant nor kind … and I certainly wasn’t patient.

Why? Why why o! why did I respond this way?
(Sin & unbelief, of course. But what did that sin and unbelief look like specifically?)

Well … I was responsible for making the reservation.
And I had done EVERYTHING RIGHT!
(I had made the reservation; confirmed the details in an email; even CALLED the hotel to make sure that everything was exactly as the reservation email said.)

AND IT WASN’T ENOUGH.
We were still stuck standing there at the check-in counter with no rooms at all for another hour and no (club level king non-smoking) rooms AT ALL.

And it that moment, it was like my head started spinning and spinning. Everything rushed in quickly and I couldn’t get on top of it all.
I couldn’t fix it.
People were counting on me and I had let them down.
I had failed my bosses at the ONE (stupid, tiny, simple) little thing they had asked me to do.

Wow! What a ‘button’ this is for me: To try my very best, work as hard as I can, do everything ‘right’ and STILL have things not work out.
 Fear floods my system!
And instead of saying, ‘This makes me sad,’ or, ‘I’m afraid that I’m failing you’ … I FREAK OUT.

You know, I really need to go on ‘high alert’ about this issue and recognize it as an area / situation when I am INCREDIBLY prone to sin … and then I need to take careful steps to ensure that instead of responding according to my flesh, I respond in faith. I am called, in that very moment, to remember the gospel; to remember Who God is and all He has done for me in Christ; how He is sovereign even over that situation; how nothing matters in that moment other than love for God and love for neighbor; and how I’m just going to end up REGRETTING IT if I freak out (even if it’s just internally) and get upset over something that I have neither the power nor the authority to fix.

Hmmmmmmmmmm …. Wish I had remembered all that Wednesday night! J

Thinking back on all of this, I’m incredibly grateful for God’s forgiveness. And for the forgiveness of my boss this week. And for the hope that maybe one day my old/former boss will really forgive me and actually give me the grace to grow and change. (His actions still categorize me in the ‘that’s the way Tara is and she’s never going to change’ box—so he keeps me at arm’s length from opportunities to serve. It makes me very sad—but what can you do? I still hold out the hope that maybe one day, the love that is actually pure grace will cover my failures and sins in his eyes. But if not, that’s OK too.)

You know, I cringe as I reflect on this situation.
I really am reminded again how there are so many times that I do not like who I am. At all.

BUT, I am comforted in laying hold of the Truth of Scripture that God’s love and kindness toward me is not based on my performance. If it were, we would all be condemned. FOREVER.

But Titus 3 reminds us that WHILE WE WERE YET SINNERS (foolish, deceived, enslaved by all kinds of passions and pleasures, living in malice and envy, being hated and hating one another), the kindness and love of God appeared! AND HE SAVED US. Not because of righteous things we had done—but because of HIS MERCY.

This is my Hope!
And I pray this Hope for you all too.

G’nite, friends!
I’m finally home after three flights and a HUGE delay in MSP.

But God is good!
And I send you my love.

Your friend,
Tara B.