Complex Pain
My life is full and rich. Every day, I have a healthy baby who wants nothing more than to be held and cuddled (and fed and changed 😉 ). And more than any other interesting adventure in her life (like making a fort in a downstairs closet and reading for hours yesterday), I have another daughter whose delight is to snuggle with me and talk, sing, read, pray … just be together. On top of all of that? I have a husband who has stuck with me for 14+ years and who is unfailingly faithful and kind and I have been saved from my sins by the very Triune God of the universe Himself!
So why is it that, in light of all of the good in my life, sometimes my heart is STILL crushed by rejection, abandonment, and loneliness? (Especially at certain times–weddings, holidays, etc.–that are “supposed to be” times of great familial togetherness?)
Why do I go from being sort-of-messed-up-but-fairly-functional-Tara to REALLY-MESSED-UP-TARA in what feels like the blink of an eye?
These were the questions I went to be thinking about last night and the questions I woke up thinking about this morning. But in between (THANK GOD!), I did have a few moments of sanity and faith:
1. I talked with Fred about it all and we spontaneously began to recite sections from Psalm 27 and Isaiah 41 to each other:
The Lord is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear? The Lord is the stronghold of my life; of whom shall I be afraid?
But you, Israel, my servant, Jacob, whom I have chosen, the offspring of Abraham, my friend … I have chosen you and not cast you off; fear not, for I am with you.
One thing have I asked of the Lord, that will I seek after: that I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life … For he will hide me in his shelter in the day of trouble; he will conceal me under the cover of his tent.
For I, the Lord your God, hold your right hand; it is I who say to you, ‘Fear not, I am the one who helps you.’
Hear, O Lord, when I cry aloud; be gracious to me and answer me! Turn not your servant away in anger, O you who have been my help. Cast me not off; forsake me not, O God of my salvation! For my father and my mother have forsaken me, but the Lord will take me in.
And you shall rejoice in the Lord; in the Holy One of Israel you shall glory.
2. I recognized (and I’m still recognizing right now) that what I really need to do is GRIEVE. But I also know that right now I’m feeling too hurt to even go there—and that’s OK. I’m still working through the “feel it” and “name it” parts of Judy D’s wise counsel regarding such things: “Feel it. Name it. Grieve it. Let it go and move on.”
Oh! It sounds so good in theory—but life is hard. Suffering is hard. Feelings are feelings and sometimes, they are extremely complex. Hence, #3 …
3. I pulled up the ol’ manuscript for Peacemaking Women into Word and re-read the section on complex pain and suffering. (One of these days, I REALLY have to just sit down with the final “book book” version of that manuscript and read how the whole thing came together in the end! But I digress …)
In our chapter on suffering, Judy and I talk about how the pain from a current situation we are facing may ‘tap into’ our past experiences. And particularly when our emotions are disproportional to the actual situation we are in, it may be wise for for us to look deep into our own hearts to see if a life-forming trauma might be surfacing.
Like layers of an onion, God may be lovingly helping us to hurt—peeling back another layer of sorrow so that we can experience an even deeper sense of His presence, goodness, wholeness and shalom. (Because one day, in Heaven, the “onion” of pain will be gone forever and completely and our suffering will be over.)
But it’s sure AWFUL in the process, isn’t it?
To be cruising along in life, growing a little in grace, thinking things are relatively OK … and then WHAM! We’re right back in whatever trauma we have faced (abuse, life-threatening illness, abandonment by a spouse, rejection by a parent, being attacked within our own church by our own sheep (and/or shepherds!), false accusations, headship warped into misogynism, war, unfaithfulness by a friend, just plain-ol-meanness).
Over the years, we’ve thought to ourselves, “I’ve dealt with that. I’m OK now.” So we are doubly shocked by the depth of (fear, pain, sorrow, angst, hopelessness, anger) we feel because we TRULY thought it was in the past. But herein lies the rub—nothing in this life is truly in the past (100% completely) until Heaven. In Heaven, if that’s the way Heaven works (and I’m no expert on the theology of Heaven!), we will be able to look back on any trauma or suffering and experience it, remember it, think about it without pain (because there are NO TEARS in Heaven, Alleluia!).
But in this life? We hurt. We grieve. We kick and scream and cry, “This is TERRIBLE! This is SO UGLY! I HATE this!” (Because friends should remain faithful. Pastors should protect their sheep (and sheep should appreciate and protect their pastors). No one should have to suffer in agony from cancer (and their families shouldn’t have to sit by their bedside as they do).
Employers should be just and fair. Church members should be gracious to one another. Parents should delight in their children and love them. War should not be.
But recognizing the existence of all the shoulds in the world don’t fix this broken, fallen world. We live in a world that is not the way it’s supposed to be. It’s appropriate to hate sin and it’s appropriate to be sad when life in a sinful and fallen world causes you pain.
But the real question is, what do you do with it THEN?
I have so many memories of lying on my bed at the Livingstons or curling up in the back of Bethlehem Lutheran Church in Morris, Illinois—journaling, praying, crying, BEGGING GOD to help me to survive (and even thrive in!) my experience of being a teenager with one parent far away living life with another family he had chosen (instead of my sister and me) and another parent institutionalized for addictions and mental illness. Oh! How I WANTED to be so grateful to my church family and this amazing Christian family that had taken me in when I had no home; how I WANTED to be so grateful to God for saving me and making me his own. I had a great life in so many ways—Madrigals, Speech Team, Band, Choir; handbells, Bible studies, even a great friend-boyfriend-friend whom I love and enjoy to this day (20+ years later!).
But deep down? I was just a terrified, lonely, sad little girl who more than anything else longed for her parents’ approval and acceptance. I hated being judged “not good enough” and “unlovable” by them and I was devastated by their abandonment and rejection of me.
But this was my life. This was the path that God (good, sovereign, all-knowing, all-powerful God) had laid out for me. He promised to be with me. He promised to give me everything I would need for life and godliness. He said He would never forsake me. He said that I could glorify Him—even messed up ol’ ME could glorify Him. He hid me in the cleft of His rock. He covered me with Himself.
It was enough.
Yes, over the years, at times, the layers of the onion get peeled back a little more and little more. It hurts. A lot. But I know that God is helping me to grieve with HOPE because one day, He is going to set everything right again. And in the interim, He will be with me.
And that is enough.
(Or so my theology says. And yes, I DO believe it. But now I just need to feel it and name it so I can grieve it and move on.)
Thanks for spending the first few hours of my Saturday morning with me. 7AM. I hear the pack starting to rouse upstairs so I need to scoot. (Ella figured out how to turn on her little “Ocean Wonders” crib toy, even in her sleep sack! She’s like a little mermaid kicking up both legs to hit the button and start the bubbles and lights—very fun.)
Remember! Remember!
“Fear not, I am with thee, oh, be not dismayed,
For I am thy God and will still give thee aid;
I’ll strengthen thee, help thee, and cause thee to stand,
Upheld by My righteous, omnipotent hand.
When through fiery trials thy pathway shall lie,
My grace, all-sufficient, shall be thy supply.
The flames shall not hurt thee; I only design
Thy dross to consume and thy gold to refine.”
Blessed Saturday to you—
With love,
Tara B.