Comforting Others — First, Do No Harm
Carolyn McCulley has a number of great reads currently up on her blog. This one was my favorite—for many reasons, but especially for the quote she gave from one of her pastors. He said it the Sunday morning after his new born son died after only four hours of life:
“When you suffer, you often suffer doubly because of the dumb things people say.”
How true this! She also quoted a different pastor who was counseling one of her friends whose husband had just committed suicide:
“Prepare for incredibly insensitive questions–you will be required to grow in graciousness like you never thought you would.”
Don’t those two pieces of counsel just knock you over and cause you to pray for the wisdom to NOT speak insensitive words when people are suffering? To not pull back or run away from a person in crisis (which is another common response), but also to not blather on quoting platitudes and even Bible verses that may be life-giving and hope-giving at the right time in the future. But right then? In the mental hospital locked ward, the courtroom, the detox center, the hallway of a hospital only moments after someone slipped from this life into eternity … when the person standing (or collapsed) before us is in shock, confused, scared, angry, grieving; saying nothing is often the most appropriate response. For the moment. Or even to say something as simply as, “I don’t know what to say. But I care. I’m here. Lots of people are here for you. We’re not going anywhere. You’re not alone.” Then the body pulls together around the person in need. Prays. And helps.
I actually have a number of links in the “Hope in Suffering” category of my archives on how to help a person in crisis and also how to survive suffering yourself. Some have to do with physical suffering, but many are related to relational suffering because, you know, I think about that topic a lot. A few you may want to consider:
– Never Say — “If You Need Something, Call Me”
– Depression and Suicidal Attempts in Christians
– How to Help (Really Help!) When a Family is in Crisis
– Responding to Personal Attacks
– Cynicism and Defeated Weariness
– Skepticism – Cynicism, Fatalism — Or Hope
– What to Say to the Depressed, Doubting, Skeptical, Confused, Angry
– Pain Does Its Work and Grace Takes Over
Whatever the situation our friend is going through, whatever the crisis, I pray that we will all remember: Primum non nocere. First, do no harm.