Perfectionism & Shame

  • Grace in Daily Life,  Perfectionism & Shame

    Spiritual Mothering? Mentoring? How can we possibly let someone into the muck and mire of our lives if we won’t even let them into the piles of chaos behind our closed doors?

    Discipleship? Spiritual mentoring? How can we possibly let someone into the muck and mire of our lives if we won’t even let them into the PILES OF CHAOS behind closed doors? (Yes. Yes. That is a photo from MY real house. It’s been a booger of a year. How ‘bout you?) Of course, some of us do try the whole discipleship thing. Spiritual sisters. Brothers in Christ. Etc. We tiptoe out a tiny bit and risk. We share of a habitual sin or temptation in our lives. We whisper a sincere question or doubt. AND THEN BAM! Rebuke without hope. Judgment without deliverance. Gossip in the name of prayer. Silence…

    Comments Off on Spiritual Mothering? Mentoring? How can we possibly let someone into the muck and mire of our lives if we won’t even let them into the piles of chaos behind our closed doors?
  • Grace in Daily Life,  Perfectionism & Shame

    The Cross Propitiated God

    On Good Friday, I would like to share with you some of my notes from studying Romans 2 & 3 in my ESV Reformation Study Bible. I have been particularly blessed by a number of the study notes in this fine resource … In a Romans study note entitled, “Mankind’s Guilty Knowledge of God,” the editors write: “God will not allow human beings to suppress entirely their sense of God and of His judgment. Some sense of right and wrong, as well as of accountability to God, always remains. Even in the fallen world everyone is endowed with a conscience that from time to time condemns them, telling them that…

    Comments Off on The Cross Propitiated God
  • Momma Tara~Parenting,  Perfectionism & Shame,  Sin & Repentance

    “But Mom! I don’t know HOW to change!”

    When our three year-old was processing all sorts of deep three year-old thoughts, she wanted to stay up with the three of us and keep cuddling (rather than going to bed, alone, at an appropriate time for a three year-old). Our conversation went something like this: E: “I know that it’s OK to be sad and cry, Mom, but I’m also remembering that it’s not OK for my sadness to “go off of this path of sadness” (she held out her right hand; in our family that indicates the path of faith, righteousness, wise choices, blessings, and safety) “and onto this path of anger and having a fit” (she held out…

    Comments Off on “But Mom! I don’t know HOW to change!”
  • Grace in Daily Life,  Perfectionism & Shame,  Redemptive Relationships

    I can move forward in love for others and not be so devastated by others’ (de)valuation of me because of Christ.

    I take absolutely no pleasure in the suffering of my friends—so I was brought to my knees this past week when I learned how deeply and terribly my dearest sister in Christ was being hurt, not by unbelievers, but by Christians. Christians in her own church. Her own church leaders for whom she has faithfully prayed and submitted to (with joy) for years and years! How is it possible that   It made me mad. It made me sick. It drove me to pray—so that’s one good thing. Plus! I’m getting to email more with my friend, which I love. Although the topics are still making me pretty sick to…

  • Hope in Suffering,  Perfectionism & Shame,  Relationships & Peacemaking

    She Views the Whole of Me Through the Lens of the Worst of Me

    Have you ever had a confusing over-reaction to something someone says or does? I have. Years ago, I was confronted by one of those women who just always seem to have it all together. (Do you know any women like that?) I had invited her confrontation in my life. I wanted to grow and change. I know that redemptive criticism is an important part of maturing. But man! When she started in on her LIST I felt like I was being shot with a big gun right through my heart. I couldn’t even understand what I was feeling more or less what I was thinking. The power of speech had left me entirely and in…

    Comments Off on She Views the Whole of Me Through the Lens of the Worst of Me
  • Perfectionism & Shame

    God’s Grace and Truth Touching our “Central Insecurities”

    Yesterday, I had a wonderfully interesting and edifying conversation about the difference between guilt and shame—and why assurances of forgiveness do not comfort us when we are burdened by ungodly shame. (For more on that topic, I encourage you to read one of the few books I have ever endorsed–Ed Welch’s excellent book, Shame Interrupted. There is also a chapter on Shame in my first book, Peacemaking Women.) Our discussion reminded me of some notes I took from a specific letter in The Heart of a Servant Leader: Letters from Jack Miller. In this letter, Pastor Jack was reflecting on a young, gifted leader who seemed to struggle with perfectionism and shame. (Please note: there is much more…

    Comments Off on God’s Grace and Truth Touching our “Central Insecurities”
  • Perfectionism & Shame

    From Shame to Shalom

    Excerpts from Chapter 10 of Peacemaking Women, “SHAME“ When a woman is filled with ungodly shame, her response to her own sin or fallenness is to say, ‘Something is wrong with me and I need to work harder to make this right.’ Ungodly shame is a self-indictment that overrides the truth of the gospel that Jesus Christ loves me and in him I am accepted. Another way to think about godly shame and ungodly shame is to note that while godly shame may have a component of legitimate and appropriate guilt (‘I did wrong’), ungodly shame condemningly says, ‘I am wrong.’ Sadly, ungodly shame directs people away from God and…

    Comments Off on From Shame to Shalom
  • Perfectionism & Shame

    Why was I so afraid? I had forgotten about the overlapping spheres of Authority, Power, and Responsibility

    The other day, I was extremely anxious about a certain meeting I had to have. It was strange to feel so anxious, because the meeting was really about something fun and relaxing. And yet, I was obviously stressed—more and more stressed as the meeting time approached. And so I prayed. I journaled. And I called a friend. Her patient listening, insightful questions, and wise counsel were just what I needed to see more clearly what was really going on in the depths of my soul: I was keenly aware that this person was involved in a number of conflicts and stressful situations that were hurting people I care about. Honestly? I knew…

    Comments Off on Why was I so afraid? I had forgotten about the overlapping spheres of Authority, Power, and Responsibility
  • Peace Amidst Holiday Strife,  Perfectionism & Shame

    Christmas is a Vulnerable Time

    Well! Today I left my house for the first time in two weeks. I was finally cleared by my surgeon to start Physical Therapy (yay!) and I am looking very forward to the hard work of rebuilding my strength and mobility. It was such a missing month for me—for all intents and purposes, I pretty much went “deep and dark”/”off the grid” re: contact with the outside world as I a) survived my surgery and the ensuing surgical complications; b) survived the one-year anniversary of my sexual assault; and c) cranked out my RTS (seminary) course that I thought I had until December 30 to finish but NOPE! November 30. Yeah. That was…

    Comments Off on Christmas is a Vulnerable Time
  • Perfectionism & Shame,  Singleness & Marriage

    I had no hope because my eyes were on ME …

    Last week*, Fred and I had one of the most disturbing — fights? difficult conversations? “opportunities”? future peacemaker seminar illustrations? — of our lives. The — let’s just call it a fight — the fight itself was nothing new. Seriously — it was fight #24 or something in our marriage. But here is the truly frightening aspect of it … Unlike most of our “challenges” (fight just sounds too strong), at the end, we usually reconcile rather quickly. We may be hurt, but we readily confess, forgive, and begin to move on. That didn’t happen last week. In fact, I became extremely, extremely sad. I was grief-stricken. Overwhelmed. Disturbed in…

    Comments Off on I had no hope because my eyes were on ME …