Singleness & Marriage

Acknowledging Reality Helps Build Trust

Fred and I continue to make little steps of progress in working through this difficult season in our marriage. Yet again, I really appreciate how he has persevered when I have felt tired and pretty “dead” inside and didn’t really want to keep working on things. (I think I switch into a “survival” mentality when there is just so much to do.)

But yesterday’s baby steps of progress came after a pretty rip-roaring fight.

Church was great, but there was a long lunch afterwards and then an even longer missionary presentation–and while I would’ve loved to go to both, asking four year-old Sophia to sit still for three hours (9AM Sunday School and then an almost two-hour church service) and THEN sit with good manners for a lunch and presentation that went until after 3PM seemed a little extreme. So she and I came immediately home after church.

When Fred finally got home mid-afternoon, he (appropriately) wanted to relax for a few minutes. Check in with the Cubs. Read the paper. Very understandable, of course.

But here’s the thing … we were already in the middle of talking about all of this marriage / hard stuff / what’s going on in our hearts / what does the gospel have to do with it / how can we both stop being so defensive and proud / etc. etc. etc., so when he came home and just relaxed without even acknowledging the 500 lb elephant in the room, it REALLY made it hard for me to trust him.

So after, you know, a LOOOOOONG conversation (really? FIGHT), we figured that out (along with a bunch of other stuff of course) and came to these conclusions:

1. It is completely understandable that there are certain times when someone is just not going to be ready to talk about hard/deep/painful stuff. (For Fred yesterday, it was right after getting home from six hours at church. For me, often, it’s late at night. By the dinner-put-the-kid-to-bed time of the day, I’m usually FRIED.)

2. However, acknowledging reality really helps to build trust. (“Honey, I know that there is something really important that we need to talk about / are right in the middle of talking about. But I am asking for your forbearance because I am FRIED. Would it be OK with you if we put that conversation off until [SPECIFIC TIME THAT WORKS WELL FOR BOTH OF YOU]? I would really appreciate it.”)

 

I don’t know if these insights will help any of you who might be currently in the middle of an extended difficult season in a relationship, but just in case, I wanted to share them with you.

Ahhhhhh–relationships. It’s all peacemaking fun and rosy red flowers, eh?
Nope. It’s real life in a real world. But there IS grace for the day.

Hope your Monday is off to a good start! We stayed up too late watching family movies last night (hence the Choza movie I posted at like midnight)–so we’re a little slow on the start this morning, but it was worth it.

Much love,
Tara B.